I will start by saying that about two years ago my wife caught me and her best friend having an affair. After months of pleading she finally let me back in to her life. I thought all was well but on my birthday two days ago she was out of town on business and left me a present and card to open.<BR>I was home alone and opened the gift to find a video tape inside. The card said I was to get a glass of wine or maybe something a little stronger and to put the video tape into the machine and play it. I dis as the card said and she was on the tape sitting on the end of a bed in what looked like a motel room. She began by asking me if I remembered how much fun I had during my affair and said that she wanted me to see how fun it was for her and that she hoped I felt the way she did when she found out. Then I heard a man's voice ask he to undress which she did - she undressed and he entered the picture, my closest friend and to top that off he was then joined by two other males whom I didn't know. I couldn't help but watch in stricken horrer as she proceeded to perform acts that I would never thought her capable of...<BR>She called me up later that night and told me that I had no right to be mad and that I would have to beg her to come back to me ... I hung up on her and she immediately called back and when I answered after a thousand rings she laughed into the phone then said that she would wait to hear from me and that if I proceeded in this tirade she would call me again so that I could hear her with someone she may decide to sleep with while she was out of town unless I called her back within 10 minutes and begged her to return. <BR>GUESS WHAT - I FOLDED.<BR>Did I do the right thing?<P>------------------<BR>sILLER6

This post floored me, I have to say. I think many of us who have been betrayed feel a wish for revenge, but to act as if all is well, let 2 years go by, and then do something this vicious is quite beyond my reckoning.<P>Whether you did the right thing or not is not a question anyone here can answer for you. I suspect that if the two of you are to get back together, there will be some big issues on both sides to work thru, and I'd suggest counseling (the phone counseling here is good, BTW).<P>Question--how do you feel about her & your marriage at this point?<P>

I can understand how your trust is irrevocably broken...<P>...In only a few cases do I <B>ever</B> recommend a Plan B on D-day...<P>This would be one such case.<P>Without any delay...<BR>...get counseling for yourself!<P>Don't file for divorce...<BR>...but...<BR>You need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>On Monday morning (after you narrow down your choices)...<BR>...get legal advice as well!<P>If she can take your heart away...<BR>...your livelihood<BR>...your finances<BR>...and the everything else is next!<P>My normal welcome wagon post is for going straight into Plan A...<P>Your only the second person (in 16 months) I've made the recommendation to for Plan B...<P>Check out my posts...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P>Continue to love your W...<BR>...with prayer...<BR>...because that's all you'll be able to give her.<P>Please stay on this forum...<BR>...for advice and comfort.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

siller6,<P>You have every right to be mad contrary to what she has said. What she has done with the help of your best friend is beyond revenge. It is her letting her own libdo take over. It is very unlikely that she will be faithful to you again.<P>I second everyone elses statement, go see a counselor. I would also lock away that tape and keep it for eveidence in the case of divorce. Her behavior on that tape would shock anyone hearing your divorce case.<P>Siller6 I have no idea how to advise you. But I would say that with her level of hate, your marriage is very likely over. I cannot imagine that she will return to you in anything near the contrite attitude it will take for you to recover. You begged her for months to come home. I don't see how any amount of begging will get the job done here. I realize you hurt her terribly with your affair but you never INTENDED to hurt her.<P>There wasn't even the excuse of love, this was pure hate.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

I understand that I am the only one to say whether I did the right thing but I had to take into consideration that we never argue, fight, or disagree about to many things which is so very important as it contributes to the development of our childrens social skills. We have 5 - 2 boys and three girls ages 8mos.,fraternal twins 4yrs, and identical twins 6 yrs. If you were to ask any one of them they would tell you that Mommy and Daddy love each other very much and would never part. As much as I am hurt (mostly still in shock) I still am more concerned about the effects of a divorce on them. I will say that what I am experiencing can only be put in perspective when I think about the loss of my first born who was abducted along with my mother. Nothing can much compare to living your life wondering...<BR>I made a mistake by cheating on her and now in some ways feel as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have to feel as if I am alone in my misdeeds. I have been thinking over the past few hours and realized that I wasn't really even mad. In some ways I am very confused by what I saw and how it made me feel. I am still asking myself questions about the actual effects that this xxx movie staring my wife is having on me. I am sure that I went through the initial stages that anyone who was in my position would go through - Shock, Anger Hurt,Shock more anger much more hurt ... but after a breif period I began to just feel exhausted. I am surprised that those intial feelings have faded and what is left I am not quite sure of. I know that what I feel when I think of what she has done should be effecting me in a much different manner and I will confess that it scares me a little.<BR>Ultimately I will have to address this issue with her face to face but i know I want to be clear as to what I am feeling before I make any final decision of just what I will do.<P>------------------<BR>sILLER6

I see that you have found yourself at the fork in the road. I will give you an option that most people wouldn't consider but can be a workable way to maintain your relationship an possibly improve it.<BR>I don't want to imply too much but noticed in your last response you sounded almost as if you may be finding yourself aroused by the tape she left for you. Again, nothing implied but if that is the case you should consider approaching her and telling her how much you were aroused by watching her with another man, or in your case men. Not only would it turn the tables on her scheme but you both may see each other in a new fun and adventurous way. You both might just laugh at where this has led you. My husband and I occasionally spice up our sex life in many different ways. He deff. enjoys wacthing me enjoy myself with other men. It takes an enormous amount of trust which I must say is unbreakable. We are both extremely happy with our sex lives and find that we are still so very much in love. 27 years together and we still are trying to fulfill each others fantasies.

My wife and I also went through a similiar situation. We both had been involved in separate affairs and were hurt and angry but just decided to live on the way we had been for so long. That all changed when I came home on afternoon and finding a friends car in the driveway I walked directly to the bedroom window behind our house. Lo and behold but there she was bent over the back of a chair enjoying herself completely when she looked up and saw me in the mirror. I immediatly smiled at her and her noticing that my hands were quite full smiled back and began to intensify the drama. After he left I made my way in and we both talked awhile about how excited we both felt. We made love for several hours that evening. Neither of us has had any unkown lovers and are enjoying the best sex we ever have. It's worth a try I can assure you.<P>------------------<BR>

How interesting that 2 "new members" signed up & made their very first posts just to encourage you to explore group sex. Something smells a bit fishy--oh well.<P>My sympathy to you on this new discovery. I certainly think it is possible to work throught this with counseling, but your wife obviously has a great deal of anger towards you--maybe this act helped release some of it, but I'd be surprised if you don't find there is a lot for you both to work through. You may wish to talk to a counselor before you decide anything.

SILLER6,<P>I've read Frank Pitman's book "Private Lies : Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy "...<P>It aludes to relationships that can allow for "consenusal sexual relations"...<P><B>I DON'T BUY IT</B>!!!<P>Not in a <B>marriage</B>!!!<P>Any and all of the needs.... to make it long term... have to be in a monogynistic relationship...<BR>...otherwise... let's just all live like we're on "Temptation Island"...<P>...and boy oh boy... what can we expect from our children... when they form their relationships!!!<P>Please resist the <I>temptation</I> to rationalize... and make relative... the degree of seriousness of "group sex".<P>When you're in your golden ages...<BR>...is this something you can look back upon...<BR>...and think of it fondly???<P>Take the right path...<BR>...take the high road...<BR>...the road less traveled!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I agree with NSR-- exploring relations outside the marriage cannot be healthy emotionally or physically. It don't matter how much you trust your partner, when he/she is experiencing intamcy with another person, the bond or cleaving that is between you and your spouse is being broken and lost. MB certainly avoids this type of relationship.<P>J

It is of interest to note that your W's planned (2 yr! Good Grief!!!) revenge did not in fact have the expected result. I've wondered about going out and having a "deep and meaningful" relationship with another woman but I doubt I could manage. I'm not "wired" that way and don't think I could hurt anyone "that" way. Of course, If Falicity Kendle (SP?) ever shows up, I lost.

You have gotten good advice especially from NSR and Just Learning. You need to get counseling right away. The hate will destroy you and you have five precious children to think about. In this situation I think you need to protect yourself and your children. Save the tape.<BR>Your story reminds me of one I vaguely recall where the wife, to avenge some wrong (i cannot even recall what it was)of her husband's had a child and then two years later killed the child so H could experience the pain she had felt. Nothing but evil working there.<BR>Be careful. Do not be drawn into any situation you are uncomfortable with. Forget the suggestions of group sex. There is nothing but heartache there. Just take care of yourself and your babies.<BR>BTW, with "best friends" like that . . .<BR>Siller, you are in my prayers . . .

What Siller's W did was an act of infidelity and revenge <B>against</B> him. There must be an amazing amount of hurt and hate in her to go to such lengths...to intentionally hurt Siller like that. Premeditated, AND with his best friend! <P>She is hurting, and now he is hurting. Even if Siller DID experience any feelings of arousal, approaching his W about swinging at this time, or maybe even ever, is NOT the answer. IMO, that would only compound their problems. They have a lot of healing to do.<P>Pro- or anti-, or anywhere inbetween, a swinging lifestyle for a couple is not something to be casually tossed into an already emotionally volatile mix. Does anyone suggest that having a baby will save a damaged relationship??? And even if Siller and his W WERE to eventually explore such a lifestyle, this moment is NOT the pivotal point. I don't think Siller will be able to assuage his painful feelings with "oh well, maybe next time they'll at least INCLUDE me!" <P>Counseling, with or without her. My H was involved in a somewhat similarly painful experience with his Ex (and this event was also taped). He sought counseling but didn't pursue past the first session because it was too hurtful, too embarrassing to even share the story! Siller, push past the confusing feelings and TELL a counselor everything. Don't lock your feelings inside and let them fester.<P>And I do agree...SAVE THAT TAPE. <P>Laura

Anyone heard from this gentleman? Is he okay?