Recently my husband slept with a prostitute. He said it was just the one time and I believe it was. We've been working on our relationship for the past 4 months and have gotten some counseling. This is because he was feeling unfulfilled in our 3.5 year marriage and was tempted to have an affair, thought didn't. (However he did have an emotional affair with a co-worker before telling me how he was feeling.) I've been working like mad to get things going right and felt we were achieving some progress even though I felt he wasn't exactly doing his part. Now this. I really don't understand the point of a prostitute. I can understand an affair if needs are not being met but not just random sex. Especially when we were gaining some ground in that area. I am totally in shock and feeling quite depressed. If he really loved me how could he have sex with some dirty whore? <P>I am totally confused and don't know what to do or say to him or anyone else. I've read the plan A and B info and don't think it really applies to this situation. I would be really appreciative of any advice on what to do from here. <P>He's seeing a pastor now, three times since he confessed which was four days ago. (The dirty deed was six days ago.) I think this is the right thing for him to do. He needs someone to be accountable to and receive guidance from. He says that he has really let himself go the past few years and isn't who he should be spiritually or emotionally. This is great but what do I do? <P>I feel like I've been thrown from a plane without a parachute.

Affairs are a terrible injustice. However, I'm going to say something that you may not expect.<P>Your H had a sexual encounter with someone other than you. In an odd way, and as yucky as affairs are, be grateful that it was a prostitute, rather than him, being involved in an "emotional" affair or an on-going physical affair or both combined!<P>If it were an "emotional" affair, it could be long-drawn out and your H would be stuck in a deep fog, as many other wayward spouses are.<P>As painful as it is, your H physically screwed up this one-time. This is definitely a red flag for your marriage.<P>Read Dr.H's books, seek therapy (maybe S.Harley?), read NSR's post on the welcome wagon, post here, find out what you & your H's emotional needs are, don't lovebust.<P>Your H sounds very remorseful for what he did. Please be patient with him (as he should be with you) so that both of you can heal. I think that you are already headed in the right direction.<P>Good luck to both of you! <P><BR>p.s. Get both of yourselves checked for any STD's.<p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited January 25, 2001).]

Welcome <B>eimi</B>...<P>It's been a long time since you've joined the forum...<P>As a reminder... there is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You say that Plan A doesn't apply...<BR>I say...<BR>...if your not <B>living</B> Plan A through your marriage...<BR>...it is bound to head into troubles.<P>Plan A isn't a one time fixer-upper....<P>It is meant to be a lifelong plan...<BR>...in fact...<BR>...it represents the first 2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<BR>...and the other 2 rules are just as important.<P>Most times on the "infidelity" forums...<BR>Plan A is discussed as a cure...<BR>...it isn't intended to be <I>just</I> that!<P>Yes it can help bring a marriage back from near failure...<BR>...but only because it represents a lifelong series of changes...<BR>...intended to help anyone who works at it.<P>Ideally, if your H was really interested in it...<BR>...it will turn your marriage completely around!<BR>...if not... it is for you... so you become a better you!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>I hope that clarifies some of what is meant by Plan A.<P>Also check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post in the section called <B>Plan A</B> for more thoughts on the subject.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by eimi:<BR><B>I can understand an affair if needs are not being met but not just random sex. Especially when we were gaining some ground in that area.</B><P>Well.....sex is an emotional need. I think the recognition of that and demystifying that need is one of MarriageBuilders strongest features.<P>Healthy young men normally rank sexual fulfillment right up top. In a healthy relationship, each partner should be working to FULFILL each others needs....in other words, not reluctantly agree to accede to sex once or twice a week, but to be a exciting and loving partner.<P>This may sound strange to you, but I would echo the comment made above, and add that perhaps you should be much more concerned about the EA than the one-nighter with the prostitute. EAs are soul....a one-timer with a prostitute is just body. Nobody is going to break up a marriage to go live with a prostitute. <P><B>I've read the plan A and B info and don't think it really applies to this situation.</B><P>It does like a hand in glove. The writings here are based on weaning wayward spouses away from lovers, and that is the genesis of Plan A/B with Harley. But the campaign of meeting your spouses emotional needs and avoiding lovebusters is something that you are facing square on right now. Your husband is looking outside your relationship to get his needs fulfilled. The need he fulfilled with the prostitute was sexual fulfillment....what is he lacking there? The needs he was searching to fulfill in the EA may be more complex, but perhaps even more dangerous to ignore.<P>Mike <P>

eimi: <BR>Wow, you really did get slammed in the gut with that one. THere had to be selfishness and maybe even anger/hostility as well as the obvious one, sex, motivating him.<P>That hasn't to my knowledge happened in our marriage. I have thought that were he to go outside, straight sex for money but using protection would be less hurtful than the years-long EA we are dealing with in our marriage. I am pragmatic enough to view women who get money in exchange for sex as businesswomen, though pathetic. There's a kind of honesty in sex for commerce.<P>Now we get to what your husband did do: <P>"(However he did have an emotional affair with a co-worker before telling me how he was feeling.)" How badly did THAT slam you in the gut? Are they comparable?<P>At least he came to you and said we have some problems. That's the positive side. He didn't keep it in for years, deceiving you, lying to himself, until it was too late.<P>"I've been working like mad to get things going right and felt we were achieving some progress even though I felt he wasn't exactly doing his part." <P>Could be doing this was an unconscious attempt to derail therapy progress. He may fear being too vulnerable in a real intimate relationship with the wife who he loves. So he sabotaged the good work.<P>Of course you feel shocked and depressed. Your sex life was " we were gaining some ground in that area." Of course you're questioning whether he really loves you. Love doesn't decide to hurt the loved one. This wasn't an accident; he had to seek out someone, find a place to ****, undress, pay her. It was deliberate. <P>Advice? This has to be dealt with honestly in therapy. Do you still want him and your marriage, or are you trying to figure out whether you want this kind of man by your side for the rest of your life?<P>On the plus side also, he did confess and come clean. He didn't get "outed" or busted in a raid or by a vice cop. You know because he told you. <P>Sorry, don't know what to advise. Just had some thoughts, things to consider, and sympathy. <BR>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 25, 2001).]

<P>Your H had a sexual encounter with someone other than you. In an odd way, and as yucky as affairs are, be grateful that it was a prostitute, rather than him, being involved in an "emotional" affair or an on-going physical affair or both combined!<P>If it were an "emotional" affair, it could be long-drawn out and your H would be stuck in a deep fog, as many other wayward spouses are.<P><BR>Thank you for your input. I know that it is a good thing that I'm not dealing with a long term emotional and physical affair. It is good to be reminded of that. <P><p>[This message has been edited by eimi (edited January 25, 2001).]

You say that Plan A doesn't apply...<BR>I say...<BR>...if your not <B>living</B> Plan A through your marriage...<BR>...it is bound to head into troubles.<P>Plan A isn't a one time fixer-upper....<P>It is meant to be a lifelong plan...<BR>...in fact...<BR>...it represents the first 2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<BR>...and the other 2 rules are just as important.<P>Most times on the "infidelity" forums...<BR>Plan A is discussed as a cure...<BR>...it isn't intended to be <I>just</I> that!<P>You are right, I was reading Plan A as a cure for a spouse thats in an on going affair. Although, we (H and I) have both read Harley's books and have tried to follow the advice there in. This is why I was so shocked that the prostitute was an issue. I will re-read the links you put in today and go from there. <P>I would like to know however, how can I possibly meet my husbands sexual needs with this on the table? I really don't want to touch him. Everytime I think of touching him I think of him and a prostitute together in bed. I can't even sleep in the same room as him, not that I'm getting much sleep on my own either. What does one do in this situation? <P>

<BR>In a healthy relationship, each partner should be working to FULFILL each others needs....in other words, not reluctantly agree to accede to sex once or twice a week, but to be a exciting and loving partner.<P>I understand the principle, and that is why we were 'gaining ground in that area'. In fact, Saturday morning I tried repeatedly to initiate sex, actually I tried all weekend until he finally confessed. Thank goodness he said no thanks after Friday nights escapade. <P>This may sound strange to you, but I would echo the comment made above, and add that perhaps you should be much more concerned about the EA than the one-nighter with the prostitute. EAs are soul....a one-timer with a prostitute is just body. Nobody is going to break up a marriage to go live with a prostitute. <P>The EA is no longer available as the co-worker left the job. But I agree with you and that is why we'd been working on the marriage for four months- together and with a counselor. <P>The need he fulfilled with the prostitute was sexual fulfillment....what is he lacking there? <P>Thats what I'm asking. We've been gaining in the area of sexual fulfillment and according to our discussions it was satisfactory progress. <P>So I beg again, why does a husband who has agreed to work on the weak areas of his relationship with his spouse head off in the opposite direction when things are clearly looking up? <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by eimi:<BR><B>So I beg again, why does a husband who has agreed to work on the weak areas of his relationship with his spouse head off in the opposite direction when things are clearly looking up? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>hmmm....maybe, and I'm spinning hard here, maybe your improving sex life together sort of awakened his sexuality to the point where he nneed an outside release?<P><BR>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

I just want to thank everyone who has given their input and let you know what progress has been made. <P>It has been one week since my husband confessed. I spent the three days there after in desperate confusion and agony. Thursday I took the day off work hoping to get myself back on track but ended up trying to sleep off my depression for the first half of the day and did a bit of business in the latter half. By the time he returned home I was feeling a somewhat better and we made light conversation while eating dinner together. Friday during my lunch break I made a list of things I wanted us to do together in order to salvage our marriage. Yes, by Friday I'd decided that I was sure about working things out. I had spent the week looking at things from the two possible perspectives (married or divorced) and chose married. Only in real fits of anger, hatred and loathing did I feel divorce was my best choice. Thankfully, the more logical side of me tends to dominate and I know that anger, hatred and loathing all ebb and flow then pass with time. Making them very unreliable bases for making future decisions. <P>So, what did I put on the list?<P>To start rebuilding:<BR>1. Spend every Sat. in Feb. working on marriage stuff together. Be that books, materials, counseling, open conversation - what ever. <P>2. Make a list of each other's emotional needs, high lighting the most important ones.<P>3. Make notes on the best ways to fulfill each others emotional needs. Of course taking those ideas from the other person. <P>4. Read the Bible and pray together daily before going to bed.<P>5. Attend church services together on Sunday evenings.<P>6. If we both agree it is necessary, set up a phone consultation with Dr. Harley.<P>7. **This one my husband added**<BR>Weekly prayer with the church pastor and his wife, either together or individually. <P>I presented these ideas to my husband on Friday evening before dinner and he agreed that they were his choices/ideas too - then added #7. <P>I also spoke to him about the issue of trust. At this time I don't feel I can trust him as I've done before so I presented my list of ideas re: Trust.<P>1. No spending time alone with persons of the opposite sex. <P>2. No flirtatious behavior towards persons of the opposite sex. This includes giving compliments. <P>3. Only attending manditory office parties and no private parties (alone). <P>4. Limiting any alcohol consumption at these events to the opening toast.<P>5. No free time will be spent with a certain man from his office who carries on relations outside of his own marriage. <P>My husband readily agreed to all of these ideas saying that they were perfectly acceptable. He also asked if I wanted him to account for all of the time he spends away from me. <P>Then to my above requests my husband added:<BR>-No movies with a lot of sexual over tones.<BR>-That we would return to our discussion of emotional and sexual intimacy again at the end of Feb. <P>My husband wants his/our first focus to be on gaining back spiritual strength. Then building back positive emotion between the two of us. He says his last focus is sexual intimacy right now. I was a little concerned about this and we've agreed to continually review our stance on it. My concern being that he would be tempted beyond resolve due to sexual frustration. However, I am happy that his first priority isn't sex right now because I'm not sure just how ready I am to overcome visions of him with a prostitute every time we are intimate. Does anyone have advice in respect to that situation? <P>In the end, we went out to dinner together and enjoyed ourselves. After dinner we went to a game center to play a few games together. Knowing this is one of my husbands biggest emotional needs (a playmate who enjoys video games) I went along willingly. This has always been a challenge for me as I don't really enjoy video games. Much to my surprise I enjoyed myself and the time we spent together doing his hobby. Finally, we have been praying and reading together before bed for the past 2 evenings and will be upholding our agreement to attend church together by attending services this evening.<P>Thanks again to everyone. Please don't stop posting or sending advice. I look forward to hearing more from you all. <P>

WOW! You're both headed in the right direction! I'm so glad that your H is so eager, willing & committed to restoring your marriage. You're way ahead in this, compared to many on this board.<P>Your marriage will survive and may even be better than it ever was!<P>Thank you for the update. Best wishes to you both!