My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and have a 14-month old little boy. December of 2000, my SO started talking to an ex-girlfriend again. He talks to her almost daily, and he is so nice to her it makes me sick. He rarely talks to me, and if he does, it is with an attitude. He never does anything with me (i.e. going shopping), yet when she asked him to go x-mas shopping with him for her son, he was all to happy to go. When I asked if he would go shopping with me for our son, all he said was "maybe." We ended up shopping together, but he acted like he was going to war rather than spending time with me. She doesn't like to talk to him when I am home because she feels "uncomfortable". Duh, she should be. I feel like an outsider in my own relationship, and I HATE it. Am I being to unreasonable to ask him to treat me the same way he treats her and with the same respect? He cheated on me 3 years ago, and I am scared that he will do it again, this time with her. I need some feedback before I go out of my mind. What do I do????

I see by your profile this is your first post. I'm pretty new here as well, and I think you'll find that the more you read, the more you'll see others who are dealing w/ similar fears and anxieties.<P>The good news, if there is any, at this time, is that he apparently hasn't had intimate contact with his x yet. I would be extrmely suspicious, however, and I feel like this is something that should be addressed immediately, if not sooner. One thing I've seen at this point during my time on this BBS, is that you need to read the General Welcome post by NSR. It explains some things in pretty cut-and-dried ways. It will explain a "Plan A" and a "Plan B", which deal w/ restoring realtionships w/o making demands, showing outbursts, and other "Love Busters." I suggest you find that post RIGHT NOW and read it. It will take some time, but I think it's well worth it.<P>Red, I'm in no way an expert here. My only qualification is that I was cheated on 7 months ago and know the pain you're in and have been through. I would encourage this, though: Read up on the "Emotional Needs" sections, and try to pinpoint 4 things: Where HE is meeting your needs, Where HE is not meeting your needs, Where YOU are meeting his, and where you are not. If he will agree to sit down with you and discuss these things, then I at least believe that there's tremendous hope of heading it off before it becomes more serious.<P>Personally, I feel that if he is trying to spend more time w/ the x, then darker days are ahead if it's not dealt with very, very soon.<P>You're in my prayers.<BR>EDIT:<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>OneGoing's Post</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000588.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR's Post</A><BR>------------------<BR>People use duct tape to fix everything...<BR>...God used <B>nails</B><P>Col 2:14<P><p>[This message has been edited by Zebco (edited February 09, 2001).]

Zebco<BR>I really appreciate your reply. I have tried talking to him about how I feel about the situation, but he just says "its my time. I have supported you and done everything for you for 4 years, now it is my time." He makes sound like I don't do anything, but he works a 40 hour week, then comes home and gets right on the comp and plays his games until we have to go to bed. We never spend quality time together, and rarely talk anymore. Any time I want to talk about the relationship, he is more interested in his game and basically throws the blame on me for the way our relationship is right now. Yes, I did play a part in it, but it is not all my fault. When I was in high school, I went to visit a friend in another town, and he couldn't go with me because he had to work. Well, my friend wanted me to do something that I wouldn't do and I didn't do it, so I didn't say anything to my bf. I didn't think it would matter because I didn't do anything. Well, about 6 months later, it came out, and he STILL thinks something happened that weekend. That is one of the ways he validated his past infidelity. I just need to know how to get him off the comp for a couple hours without making him mad and unbearable.

Sounds like your BF's "taker" is making a real stand here.<P>Let me ask you something, if I may. You are still bf/gf after a lengthy relationship. Why are you not married? I don't ask to convict you or him, but it seems to me there is a real fear of total commitmaent somewhere...and my guess is w/ him. W/ a child involved, it would appear that there would be a desire to establish a covenant relationship. Can you tell me what's up in that regard?<P>Anyway, I understand what bf is doing. I don't condone it, but I do recognize his need to zone out after work. BUT--if he still finds time w/ his x and sacrifices his time w/ you for her, then there are some real issues here, and I know that there is something underlying that he is avoiding...especially if you've already tried approching him. My suggestion at this time:<P>PLAN a really nice and special time to communicate these issues with him. Make dinner, find a sitter, put on the dog! Make him as comfortable as possible. Make the setting one which is as non-threatening as you can. Let him know in advance..."Tuesday, I have a special night planned, just for us. I want to talk with you and need your input AND attention. Please mark this down. I'm looking forward to it." ...or something equally proper. Then give him your heart. Tell him what you want to say. Ask him what you can do to reestablish trust, and tell him how you feel emotionally. Be sure to tell him exactly where he is meeting your needs, but express the fact that the OW is a threat...and even if there is no intimacy, there's a good chance that it's around the corner.<P>Red, I could go on and on, but for now, I feel like your focus needs to be on preventing an affair. Sorry, those are tough words. Pleas keep me updated. Don't know if I can help much, but I can listen.<P>Joel

To answer your question, we were engaged prior to the infidelity. We were so happy together. Just this past August we were talking about getting married, and having another baby, but I have no clue where things took a turn this way. Yes, he has a fear of commitment. I really want to get married (it is every little girls dream). I know we are good together, and can make this thing work, but his "taker" really needs to back off. This weekend was pretty good, but when I started talking about the relationship and things we need to work on, he was like "we?" He has yet to admit that there are things that he needs to work on too. I printed off the EN questionaire and the "love busters" questionaire and asked him if he would fill them out while I was at work, but he "didn't have time" to because he was playing his game (and talking to her).The fact that he said he would fill them out gives me hope, but he hasnt done it yet. Yesterday when I got home, he was on the phone with her and when she heard me come in, she immediately got off of the phone. When they first started talking, I was okay with that, but now it is just plain irritating. The way I think is that if it can't be said in front of me, then it shouldn't be said in the first place. I am about to call her myself and say something to her about it, because I am tired of it. If she wants to be friends with him, she has to deal with me too, and not avoid me, because that just puts the suspicions back in my head. She better not want to see him or get him anything for Valentine's Day because I will definately call her and tell her what I think about it. I will not stand for any of that. That is MY holiday to spend with him, not hers and she would be stepping way out of bounds. I really appreciate your replys and look forward to hearing any other input you have for me. Thanks Jolene

Red--<P>I just read your post. Let me think about it a while and I'll poost back here tonite.<P>But off the top of my head, your BF is having an emotional affair right now (You didn't need me telling you to know that). I, too, would be very crushed with divided interests, especially on Valentine's Day. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, but we both know that there has to be a decision made soon. You can't force him into it...but he needs to acknowledge the problem. More later.

Red--<P>I've been thinking and praying, and I just plain hurt for you. I had a very big disagreement with my wife this w/e and a lot of old hurts came back into focus. In that light, it just makes me so sad to see somebody else hurting. How do you separate the part that wants to run and hide from the part that wants to reach out and hold (or sometimes <I>shake</I> ) the one you love? I mean, doesn't the foundation of a relationship usually have the fundamental premise of "I love you"? and doesn't the "love" part include wanting to protect and honor? I'm getting off on a long tangent, I know, but I am so overwhelmed at reading post after post after post about affairs and people that are hurting b/c of them. Which brings us back to you...<P>I believe I understand your need for urgency, as it would seem to lend itself toward preventing an affair. What's peculiar to me is tht BF apparantly doesn't really care if you know he and X are pursuing a relationship of some magnitude. He doesn't even want to hide the fact! That's pretty much like a catcher telling the batter, "He's gonna throw a curve." This leads me to believe that he either is wanting you to make a stand so he can justify ending things, or he's seeing how far he can push the limits. This guy needs some conviction, but it's hard to do this w/o making demands and ultimatums. What you want to do (I know, b/c it's what I wanted to do) is say, "Listen, make up your mind right here...right now!" While you cannot do that, I do believe it's possible to express your thoughts and fears and to ask what he's doing. Tell him to be honest...it's better now than finding out later. If he is bent on pursuing this relationship w/ his X, the it's time to PLAN A. If he's really just "friends", then express, w/o demnds, how threatened it makes you feel. I've done some pretty knuckle-headed things in the past, but when my wife has said to me--"I feel very threatened by this."--it generally got my attention.<P>Out of curiosity, what is BF's relationship to X's son, if any?<P>It's sad, but for those of us who are betrayed, in order to rebuild our relationships, it's US that generally have to follow the rules and let the ones we love decide what they want while doing what they want. Sometimes, I feel so angry about that, but realize what I'm fighting for is important enough to do it. I believe my wife sees that...hope your bf sees that, too. Keep me updated, especially with 2/14 around the corner.<P>FHL<BR>Joel<P>------------------<BR>People use duct tape to fix everything...<BR>...God used <B>nails</B><P>Col 2:14

This forum is so great. I really enjoy being able to talk to someone who really knows how I feel and what I am going through, other than family. Don't get me wrong, family is great, but we need to be able to talk to others with similar probs. I thank my mother from the bottom of my heart for telling me of this site. Zebco, you have been such an emotional help, I really want you to know how much I appreciate your postings. There is no relationship between bf and x's son. I think that bf is just trying to see how long he can be friends with her before I say enough is enough.<P>How do you separate the part that wants to run and hide from the part that wants to reach out and hold (or sometimes shake ) the one you love?<BR>I agree with you so much on this comment. You just want to shake them and say "Open your eyes. Put yourself in my place and then decide if you want to keep this up." I hope he sees that this is worth working on, too. <BR>The good thing is that he hasn't SEEN her in like 2 weeks and has only TALKED to her. We work diff. shifts, and have only one car right now, so he has no way to get over to her house.:-) So, I am happy about that. I know he wants us to work out, just by the fact that we haven't had a fight about this in a while, and when I talk about the relationship, he actually has been listening. We have been getting along better, and he has actually been communicating. I love it, it is so wonderful. I hope tomorrow is a good day for you and your W. I will post back later.<BR>Jolene

Red--<P>Sounds like there's some hope--more than a little. That is the key, though. YOU know what you want...it just seems up in the air as to what HE wants. That's the tough part about waiting. Our clocks don't always run together, and when your's is faster, and you can see the big picture more easily, it really becomes a point of frustration. <P>I would be very wary of demonstrating that frustration in an unhonorable way--though it's usually the FIRST thing I want to do. Not saying you would, but my Irish temper lends itself to that, and I have to pray for patience and peace daily to not lose my cool. <P>As for the phone calls, it's almost like a drug addiction. You get a little, and the dependency that you develop creates incredible cravings for more. But, like a drug, this isn't healthy, for him, or the X, and especially for you. He knows that when he lets go of her, there will be a withdrawal, and he's likely afraid of that. I don't justify it, but it's the truth, nevertheless. He needs to let go b4 it becomes a greater addiction. It makes it tougher b/c he has no physical contact w/ his X, and you two are on separate shifts. This is SO dangerous, Jolene, b/c 1) He has basically no accountability--there's nothing preventing HER from going to him, and 2) Should they ever make physical contact, the urges to be together would likely be very intense. Not saying something might happen, but the desire would be stronger, and reality skewed. <P>I think it's great you're talking w/ him and he's listening. What about Valentine's Day? Will you be able to go out together? Or will you have to wait like us and do something this W/E? I'm on an evening shift now, myself, and while we'll spend some time together tomorrow, we won't be able to go out 'til Saturday. But the upside of that is that we can have pretty much the whole day, and I have something special planned. I wrote a post in the "Creative Affection" Forum, and will follow a similar MO for Saturday. Check it out if you'd like and see if it's something you could improve on, and let me know what you do! <P>Check out this <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum21/HTML/000046.html" TARGET=_blank>LINK</A>.<P>Again, I'll be praying for you both.<P>FHL,<BR>Joel<P>------------------<BR>People use duct tape to fix everything...<BR>...God used <B>nails</B><P>Col 2:14

Well, things are looking up on this side. We had a good V-day. I got several gifts for him, and constructed a miniature scavenger hunt. He really liked that. Then I surpised him and made steaks for dinner. I spilled my feelings and he admitted that when I wasd accusing him of cheating, he thought about it,but he didn't because he said it wasn't the right thing to do. Also he said the OW would not let anything happen because she is not the type to interfere with someone else's relationship. We had a really nice talk and tings seem to really be looking up and headed in the right direction. It takes a lot of stress off of me to know that he though about it but didn't. I don't know the OW that well, but I do believe him when he says that she wont interfere. I just hope we can keep on this path in the right direction.

Red--<P>I was really hoping you'd post back, and I'm so glad things are looking up. Even so, as you put it, <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Also he said the OW would not let anything happen because she is not the type to interfere with someone else's relationship.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your BF needs to understand that his relationship with her, at whatever level, is threatening TO YOU. It's a BIG LB, and IF what she says is true, she will respect your desires and terminate that relationship. And, while it's good to know that she wouldn't allow things to go down the wrong path, I feel like HE is the one that needs to be telling you, "I will not let things go that way b/c of the way *I* am." That's so important, and you cannot trust the OW to be the last line of defense. Your BF needs to be in that role. As a man, it's his obligation to take the lead here, and end the relationship for YOUR collective sakes, and not worry whether or not it will hurt the OW's feelings. <P>In other words, trust everyone...but ALWAYS cut the cards. <P>Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this thing negative, just wanting the best for you in the long run. I strongly suggest getting Dr. Harley's Book, His Needs, Her Needs. You BOTH should read it.<P>Still praying for you!<BR>FHL,<BR>Joel

Hi there,<BR>I was reading through your posts and I had a thought. I am an avid game player on the computer also.... So was my W.... In fact that is where she met the OM. I don't know how many people in these forums play alot of online games, But they are fun, and addicting. When my W was playing her game with the OM all night, she was depositing love units in his account without even knowing it. Just because it is only a game does not mean that a relationship can't develop there. Most of the time, when you log on to your favorite game, you end up on the same servers over and over because that is the best connection for you. This only helps you spend more and more time with the same people. <BR>Have you ever thought of getting a "home" system eg. Playstation or Nintendo so that you could spend some of that fun time together?? I would say that with PC prices falling like they are, you could get another comp. and play online as his W. But having two comps. means two Internet accounts and two Email accounts. Bad because #1 It's to easy for both of you to lead a "private" life that way. and #2 Expensive.<BR>Just a thought because it seems that your H really enjoys his games and it would be a neat way for you to spend some "laughing" time together.<BR>Just my opinion

Oldman--<BR>Thank you for your post. We do have 2 comps, a Playstation, Nintendo, and Sega Saturn, but we are so bored of the latter 3 from years of playing them. We already have 2 ISP's (cable modem, through the cable co. and ATT WNS) so cost really isn't that bad. We are getting a new comp this week. It is a 1.1 gig strictly for gaming and then we will be able to play games together. I currently play one of his games. Diablo 2. I just started playing this past week, but it has really given us more to talk about. I can talk about it and he knows what I am talking about and can help me if I need help. It is really nice to have another thing in common. Our 2nd comp is a 133MHz and it creeps, so I really hate using it, so I can't wait to get our new one. I agree about comp prices falling. We got the new one for $2100 and it is loaded with a 40 gig hard drive and 256MB 133MHz SDRAM, and a whole bunch of other things. I can't believe how much they have dropped in price. Anyways, as soon as I get more comfortable with the game, I will be able to play online with him, so that will be cool. But just having something else to talk about is a nice change.

Very Cool!<BR>My W and I DID have two.. both built by me. BUT.... my advice was from experience.. My W met all her "friends" playing Q3(aarrghgg).<BR>So part of our "PLAN A" was of course to completely cut off the contact with OM, so WE decided that selling her comp. was the best course of action. She does still use my comp. To check OUR E-mail and surf a bit.But no Q3 (not even installed) And only when I'm around, and there isn't anymore all night sessions like before. She is really a great person and is really trying to build back the marriage. <BR>Anyway our current game..hhhmmm...we don't play diablo, But I'm into Delta force 3, my kind of game And we play Unreal Tournament alot. Mostly because of the Mods for it. <BR>No broadband here (I live in "the sticks") dialup is only option right now. So we were paying for 2 phone lines,2 isp. Crazy huh?<BR>Glad your relationship is brightning up <BR>Keep up the good work

Oldman<P>I don't know what ISP's you have, but AT&T has a new rate plan. It is $4.95 a month for 150 hours and $.99/hour after 150. It is a really good offer. <P>I have been on such an emotional roller coaster since Sunday. Not because of my relationship, but because I am a HUGE Dale Earnhardt fan. It really hasn't become a reality yet. I have cried since I heard the news. I just cant believe it. <P>We were both Earnhardt fans. Me more so than he. Our relationship is going okay. He is quite crabby right now, because he is trying to quit smoking and he is having BAD withdrawl. It is kind of funny, but I totally understand what he is feeling. It is not easy, but it is possible. Other than his shortened temper, we are doing good.