haven't heard anything from you in a few days, hope everything is going okay. I am concerned about you. did you and the H. go out of town this weekend? how are things going? after shock

Aftershock:<P>I was having trouble with my password working so am back now chatting...and I need to. Yes...my H and I did go away for three days down to New Orleans. It was alot of fun...we did Bourbon Street...danced, drank, talked, talked and talked. I'm finding that's what we need. I did have one bad day when I was down there...I just got so down about the A and just couldn't shake it. But he was very compassionate and told me he realizes I'm going to have bad days. But.. on my bad days..I have alot of anger still locked up inside of me <BR>that needs to come out. Things he did with her right in front of me (because she was a friend of ours). I never thought anything but now I'm always looking back and it HURTS...and I question him constantly...and he is very honest with his replies. I've told him that the books I've read says you need to digest the A...which I'm doing. But how long does it take to DIGEST!!! It's been 10 weeks now...I sent you the other post just a little bit ago. I'm afraid after putting all this into it...will he go back to her at a later time? How do you all feel about this? I'm so scared that after all the reconciling down the rode will he stray. He keeps swearing to me that THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN because he sees what it's done to me and also to him. I am taking time for myself, working out, etc. I never use to do that but am now and it actually is making me feel better. My selfesteem is in the toilet right now. Also the OW was a flight attendant (my H works for the airlines) so that just destroys me even more. I say nasty things like (was it the uniform)???? Are you ever nasty???<P>Looking forward to hearing from you....<P>SHOCKER17

Am I ever nasty? Most definitely I have been. Gotten away from that though, it's been almost 3 months now since D-Day. Prozac and finally getting the OW out of the picture have helped alot, plus great H who like yours is deeply regretting his mistakes. <P>Time is really the biggest and best healer, I have doubted this myself, but it does seem to be true. Give it a good amount of time, some people take longer than others. Try to bag the nasty comments if you can, most definite LB's. It's not easy though I know. <P>When I feel that out of control, (which I'm glad to say is definitely decreasing in frequency), I now try to find a way to give myself a time out if at all possible, I'll go for a walk, or lock myself in the bathroom with a book or a box of tissues, whatever it takes to get away from the family for a little while to give it some time to pass or at least try to think it over before I just blurt out something I will regret when I calm down.<P>Your trip sounds like a good idea, good for you guys!

HEY SHOCKER17 !!!!!!!!!!<P>I have been so worried about you! Glad to hear things are going . . . About being worried that THIS would ever happen again - tell me - have you read His Needs, Her Needs. If you follow what Dr. Harley recommends you will see that this won't happen again because you will meet all of your emotional needs (you know ENs).<BR>I am in HNHN (I read Surviving an Affair & my H is in now.) You need to read both Surviving an Affair & His Needs, Her Needs. <P>Anyway, glad you are back! I have been going through withdrawal - not hearing from you. I am glad you had a great trip - please don't dwell on the "wrong" - dwell on what to make it better - please tell me you have HNHN (Dr. Harley's book). You really have to read this!!!! I just finished typing the "Marital Recovery Agreement". You think you are committed and that your H is committed - and the A happens - and you get so hurt - then you realize there were things wrong. How much time you should have devoted, etc. Those ENs are alive, and they need to be taken care of. <P>It is so good to hear from you - I was about to give up on you - just could not figure out what had happened to you. You really surprised me when I saw To Shocker17 up at the top - aftershock

Shocker17 - <P>Forgot a couple of things -<P>Am I ever nasty? Please don't be - that is a Love Buster (LB) - they are not good - in His Needs, Her Needs Dr. Harley explains about coversation and the productive attributes and not so productive - remember everytime you LB - you cause a withdrawal from the Love Bank.<P>Remember what I've said before - I know because of your deep emotional hurt and pain at the moment you cannot focus on too much else - but - my D-Day(s) were June 10, 12, and 13 - various OW events (H & OW sitting on our couch, H & OW & D at college and what happened when he returned home, and D-day on instant messenger). Shocker - I still hurt - I have read in this forum it takes 2-3 years to recover - I've read in Dr. Harley's book 2 years to recover - everyone is different, and your pain and how much is different - this is a huge loss. It will take some time - but I can assure you the pain will decrease. You will never forget, but you can find a way to forgive, and to go on.<BR>Hang in there. love, aftershock

Aftershock:<P>Thanks for the reply. Yes, I did read His Needs, Her Needs and my H is currently reading it now. I'm reading After the Affair now and I think this is one of the best books I've read. I know you're NOT suppose to say those nasty things but somedays I just get so DOWN and they surface. Then I think back to last year when it was going on and I see them in my mind and realize what he was doing (right in front of me!!) and it really hurts. My H has been doing EVERYTHING with me. ANything that needs to be done around the house he wants to help me with....this is a HUGE change from last year, and I am really liking the support I'm getting. We've done alot of talking and my H said this is what he needed to be doing last year with me instead of the OW. He told me initially they just started out as talking about HIS problems with ME....and things that bugged him about our relationship. How long was your H's A??? I've asked mine and he says it started out as a friendship (don't they always)!!! and then it became intimate the end of January of <BR>2000, and continued until June, 2000. He told me HE ended it after we came back from a long weekend together and he realized that he TRULY loved me. So....six months? It hurts so much knowing all that time he was with someone else and coming home to me and "KISSING" me. I asked him about AIDS....and he said they never had sex they just kissed in her vehicle after work..and that he knew it couldn't go any further??? He told me in his mind if it just was Kissing and being emotionally connected it wasn't crossing the line, but now he realizes it was crossing the line because he was with someone else. I think about the A everyday!!! Am I not doing well?? I pulled up some things on the internet about AIDS and kissing and you CAN get AIDS from kissing if the individual has Gingivitis or a mouth sore. Since the OW has been with a couple of other coworkers where my H works I told him he's put me in jeopardy, he agreed and told me if I wanted to go get tested I should. Has this scared you at all??? I think the OW has enjoyed targeting married men!!<BR>She is sick!! SHe is also married 23 years!!!<P>Oh well, I'm just rambling now but it feels good to vent.<BR>Dday was March 6th and I'm finding myself crying a little less but I have noticed just before that great event every month I get to become an emotional wreck. I'll be 40 soon so I don't know if that has anything to do with it!!<P>Everyday my H calls me to see how I'm feeling. He keeps saying to me "We are going to get through this and have a better marriage than before". I told him everything I've read says it will never be like it WAS. He has also told me that reading all of these books has given him the ammunition to affair proof our marriage. Again....my mother had a saying about men...."If they jump the fence once, they'll jump it again"....WHAT DO YOU THINK??? How long has it been for you Aftershock since DDay? My H is really putting his all into this relationship and he swears it will never happen again? He keeps telling me to give him a chance and roll the dice!!!! He tells me I won't be disappointed and that he will NEVER hurt me again because this is hurting him also seeing all the hurt he put me through.<P>Thanks for worrying about me Aftershock and it was so good talking with you. I'm getting excited about summer being here and my H says he is going to put more into our marriage than ever before. He has started planning all our dates. SOmething he has never done in 17 years of marriage!!! It really is nice!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY~~~!!!!<P>Shocker17

shocker -<P>it looks like it is my turn -<P>I was just thinking about what you've been saying about your H this morning - and I was thinking to tell you how it helps me to look forward, and not to dwell on "what he did in the past" - what I am trying to say is for you to look at everything he is doing now for you. If he is accounting for his time, and money, 100% he is trying to make changes for you. Try not to think of him being with her - just make sure he is accounting for himself to you now. I try to focus on my husband doing things around the house, coming home with work from work to do it at home, and giving him the attention I should, making a peaceful environment when he comes home, and being concerned about how his day went, and what is going on with him. The old reality gets less and less each day as we move forward. I could keep stepping back into the past, but the need is to push forward - that is why I said to do that laundry, or whatever. He can only remember the devotion you have given him. Yes, I still hurt, somedays is much less that others. He moves so much slower emotionally than I do, and is not as affectionate as I would like (I won't even tell you how long it has been since we made love last). There has been no sexual fulfillment, and this really, really hurts. But I continue to look forward. I need to go, I read your post last night, but was too tired to respond, dinner idea is waiting - everyday - dinner. Talk to you later, aftershock

shocker -<P>it looks like it is my turn -<P>I was just thinking about what you've been saying about your H this morning - and I was thinking to tell you how it helps me to look forward, and not to dwell on "what he did in the past" - what I am trying to say is for you to look at everything he is doing now for you. If he is accounting for his time, and money, 100% he is trying to make changes for you. Try not to think of him being with her - just make sure he is accounting for himself to you now. I try to focus on my husband doing things around the house, coming home with work from work to do it at home, and giving him the attention I should, making a peaceful environment when he comes home, and being concerned about how his day went, and what is going on with him. The old reality gets less and less each day as we move forward. I could keep stepping back into the past, but the need is to push forward - that is why I said to do that laundry, or whatever. He can only remember the devotion you have given him. Yes, I still hurt, somedays is much less that others. He moves so much slower emotionally than I do, and is not as affectionate as I would like (I won't even tell you how long it has been since we made love last). There has been no sexual fulfillment, and this really, really hurts. But I continue to look forward. I need to go, I read your post last night, but was too tired to respond, dinner idea is waiting - everyday - dinner. Talk to you later, aftershock

Shocker<P>Your e-mail caught my eye because of New Orleans. Thats where we also went ... ate, drank, talked.<P>You ask if life could ever be the same again? 2 years after discovering EA, I can tell you that it is better. Somehow we had gotten so far into a run of work, home, kids that we forgot to nurture ourselves. This was a wake up call for us and we suddenly refocused on ourselves and each other. I truely think we have a great marriage right now.<P>But I remember, pain, rage, questioning, doubts, LB. Even now, there are points at which I get insecure. If it happend once, it can happen again. But some insecurity is good, I think our problems really came from taking each other for granted.<P>I think though, that as BS, its easy to get caught into anger and focus on the betrayal. I see so much anger coming through your posts. It is natural but not always very productive (hey, I have been there, I still remember a nightmare dinner where what should have been a romantic dinner was turned into something very painful by my anger and insecurity). So I am telling you what I wish someone had told me then, focus on each other and your marriage, don't let anger distract you from the most important task at hand, rebuilding.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Katie_s<P>Thanks for your reply. Wow....two years. That really scares me. I'm an emotional wreck now. I can't even run my house the right way...I forget things...How can I function another two years with this pain inside of me. Somedays I just want to "throw the towel" in but my two daughters keep me hanging on and the fact that my H is so remoseful and apologetic and LOVING. THe weird thing was throughout the whole affair he was always affectionate with me?? What gives? <P>New Orleans was great!!! We did talk alot. But now we're back home to reality, demands, kids, paying bills, softball<BR>practice, soccer, you name it we're in it!!! <P>We are taking time for each other and now HE plans the dates....something new and I'm enjoying it.<P>ANY TIPS FOR WHAT TO EXPECT IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS???<P>Shocker17

What to expect? I am not sure its fair to generalize from one perons's experience but here it is:<P>Constant insecurity on your part re any contact with OW.<BR>Guilty feelings on his part will last for a while but he will be ready to move forward much earlier than you will be.<BR>Insecurity about contact with other women. Types of contacts that you had simply seen as a normal part of life will now bother you.<BR>You will talk a lot more about your marriage, all the good, bad and ugly will be dredged out, sometimes even things that happened more than 10 years ago. How one deals with these things is what will determine the course of your life. So keep an open mind, try not to be defensive, apologise where necessary, convey your viewpoint where important (this is where I have difficulties).<BR>After the first few months, there will be some backsliding on "dating". Guard against it.<BR>Worries about your "warts" that might drive him away. Resentment that you should worry.<BR>Rage that your whole life is wrapped up in this man and fear whether you could survive without him.<BR>Desire to nurture yourself. Lots of people start diets, exercise, begin to look more attractive, take on new hobbies.<P>I am not sure where you are coming from but I very seriously considered divorce. I worked out all the mechanics in my mind. I knew I could deal with it, it would be hard but I would survive, so would my children. So I am in this marriage only because I love my H and the relationship is valuable to me. For me, this step was necessary because then I could define what I wanted from my marriage and where I made mistakes. I could tell my husband my needs and listen to his needs. I am not sure I could have done this if I felt that I was continuing with my marriage because I had no other options. I don't like feeling hopeless and helpless. Proactivity is necessary for me. <P>Discovery was in very early stages of EA, someone met via internet. So I had no doubts that this specific person did not mean much. If its someone you both know, that may be different. But frankly, in your place, I wouldn't worry a lot about his going back to the OW. Both of you seem to be keeping so busy and focused on your marriage that he has no energy to focus on her. She will very quickly see that he is not available and move on. <P>But the main advice would be to look into what was going on in your marriage, are you both happy with it? Can you do something to improve it? Why was he vulnerable to the OW? (Not your fault he had an affair, but why did he not value your marriage more and was willing to risk it? What was he getting out of the A?) <P>Keep reading this site.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Shocker17:<BR><B>Katie_s<P>ANY TIPS FOR WHAT TO EXPECT IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS???<P>Shocker17</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

shocker -<P>kept checking for days for return posts & no replies - what gives?<P>aftershock

Aftershock and Freshstart:<P>I get really lost on this site...I'm not sure where to go into. Where should we chat in---how about "In Recovery" and the one that says To Aftershock and K9Love.<P>Thanks for the reply. Have to go....<P>Shocker17

Katie_S<P>Thanks so much for the help on recovery. I still feel some days I'm still in the HELL of it all. I still cry and somedays I'm so angry at H for doing this to US. 17 yrs. of marriage, two great daughters and I ask him was she worth it? He says NO....that he was a screw up and he hates himself for doing it. Now I just have to get my head on straight and realize I've got lots of work ahead of us...and I know it won't be easy but I truly love my H....There's always that question ....Why do they have A's????<P>Thanks again for replying...you've given me hope that we can make it but that the road may be pretty bumpy. <P>SHOCKER17

Shocker -<P>Go to "In Recovery" - <P>you left a thread for aftershock & k9love - I've responded to you there.<P>since we "are in recovery" we should be over there - instead of just found out. thanks to one of the old, old members who informed someone else.<P>I had some "blue" thoughts over In Recovery.<P>Sounds like you are doing what I am doing - I backslid - got to talk to my husband last night - he is reading SAA - so he read for about 15 min. too.<P>SEE YOU OVER In Recovery. <P>aftershock