Hello TearOS,<BR>I am new to this board, this topic, this way of dealing with things, but I can commiserate with your problems. My H too has told me I have 6-12 months to lose a significant amt of weight or he will divorce me. I recently found out he has continued a long-term internet relationship for the last 8 years, (I discovered it 8 years ago and thought we had taken care of the problem….how naïve am I!!!!) I think he has at least 4 OW online although I truly, thus far, don’t think there has been anything physical although he just started a new job with lots of traveling this year, so its possible there are others. I want to believe him when he says there has been nothing physical.<BR> Anyway, I have recently joined a gym and he is very supportive of that. Besides going to the gym, I’ve just been using slimfast and eating a good meal, although its been less than a week. With this heat, its not hard not to eat. I don’t like the fact that it has aspartame in it though as I know this gives me migraine headaches and I have had more than my share with the stress headaches in the last month. There is nothing like not having a headache and appreciating that fact. We take it for granted too much.<P>I can’t understand the thing about him having an affair with a woman whom is larger than you when he tells you that that’s the reason. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Men are not making sense to me in this day or age. I feel very cheated because I have given this man the BEST years of my life. If we do get divorced, I feel I can never trust a man fully again, wouldn’t want to. I’ve had my children and it just isn’t worth the work. I have worked at this marriage and to think it might dissolve after nearly 19 years just devastates me. I have only begun reading the stuff on these boards and hope that it will help my mind, which I think, at times I have lost. I think it is WONDERFUL that your husband is willing to go to councelling with you and work things through. That is a HUGE step in the right direction. My H is still under the impression that its “just talk”. He says he doesn’t like big woman and doesn’t even like his sister, who is bigger than me because of that. How shallow can you get, I’m thinking.<BR>Isn’t a person worth more to you than size? What about all the wonderful past experiences we’ve shared? The struggles? The goals? The dreams? We have been true “soul-mates” in the past!!!!! My mind is still whirling and deeply hurt but I am at least trying to do something about the weight thing and work on that as that is something “I” am able to do. If not for him, then for me.<BR> One terrible thing I did the day we had this fight, is to put a $500 order on our visa card.<BR>If he asks me about it, I’m going to tell him that infidelity is expensive. I just went crazy I guess.<BR>I was iffy about this particular order and was going to ask his opinion about it, but after this huge fight, I just put the order on without his input. I’ll be hearing about that, I know.<BR> Keep looking forward…I’m trying to. <BR>Mikkey<BR>

Thanks to those who have been checking in on me. I know i havent posted in quite a while, i have been lurking on the different boards around the site, reading heaps. Some of the stories on Mb are just so sad, yet some are so inspiring and full of hope.<P>Its close to 4mnths now since i found out. There is not a day that goes by that i dont feel the sadness of what my H did. I have always wondered how some people can get through PLAN A without LB as i find that if i dont express my thoughts and feelings i become withdrawn and depressed. But after reading a few threads and Dr Harleys material i found that these people are on anti-depresents. Unfortunately i fear that if i go on these i could become addicted and incurr side effects, so instead, i am trying to deal with it all without these. <P>I have started individual counselling and found that finally i can really talk about what happened, my fears (which is H may still be with me because of our son, and that he doesnt want anybody else to find out about what he did. And not because he loves me). I can talk about my low self-esteem issues that i have and the fact that i cant get past my husbands A. Along with the fear that what if it happens again if H and I decide to have another baby down the track of recovery and he find it a turn off me being pregnant. Anyway my counsellor and i have talked alot but have not yet found answeres. I know its still early for this. Although, she did find it interesting when i told her about. the only time i ever felt confident about myself was a good few years ago when i lost so much weight that everybody around me thought i became anorexic, including my H. But at that time i felt so great about myself in looks and weight. <P>As for my H i thought i convinced him to post on MB to get the advice he needed. He even registered with the user name "tears of sorrows hubby". But decided he would get the help he needed from his individual counselling. Which was fair enough. But after his first and only session he claimed he didnt get anything out of it and didnt really like the C so he hasnt been back. A couple of days after he woke up in the middle of the night from his sleep and woke me up to tell me that he was sorry for everything he put me through and for what he did. At first i wouldnt respond but tried to go back to sleep but he kept repeating his apology and as sleepy as i was i told him it was ok. I guess and i told him this, that i didnt really mean it but considering the time he chose to tell me this i saw that i had not much choice in order to get back to sleep. But i still saw this as a good result of his C session even if he didnt. At the same time i told him i was posting on here(but asked him to respect my request in not reading it)and that one of my replies from "wrecked self-image" recommended a book called "out of the shadows"/sex addiction to be read. So he went out keen as ever to buy it and began reading it. Now he definately thinks that he doesnt need counselling, that his answers will be found from this book. <P>Sometimes his attitude makes me feel so lost, that i just dont belong. We go about our days, he goes to work, i stay home and look after our son. He comes home, makes his own basic dinner, let him know what our son has been up to, spends time with him, reads and then goes to bed. No relationship takes place. No intimacy, no i love u's. Sometimes we seems like strangers. He sometimes works late and then when he is home on some weekends i may go to the shops to have time out on my own while he looks after our son. Not that i buy anything for myself, i grab a coffee somewhere and read a book(Dr Atkins Diet). We still share a bed as there is no spare room to seperate. Everynight while h is asleep he ends up close to me. I then start to miss the closeness we use to have, snuggling up together, being intimate and telling each other "i love u" before falling asleep. I miss staying up together talking about us and spending time together.<P>A couple of weeks ago it was his birthday and i didnt ring him at work to wish him this. Every year we go out for dinner and we get each other a small gift. This year nothing. He was so hurt. He told me that all he wanted was a phone call from his wife, instead he got a cake and card from his staff at work. He then realised how much he stuffed things up with his life. He told the C about this. I could see that he finally realised what he did was so wrong and how it greatly affected "us". After he told me this i did feel guilty but i knew i just couldnt do it, not with how i was feeling. I did though buy a card and wrote it for my son at least, as he is too young to do this yet. <P>But then again there was one night where we had friends over and were looking at photos of my son as a newborn and my H asked them that if they wanted to have a look at the photos where his wife(me) once lost so much weight and became thin. They were all keen to find these photos and look. I felt so humiliated as he was doing this because i knew that they would be shocked at the change. My eyes became teary i thought i was going to break down there and then. I ended up LB from this. Maybe it was wrong but at the time i felt it was justified.<P>As you can all see from all the hurt and betrayal that has happened it was so easy to distance ourselves from each other. From this we are left confused at what each other wants and needs. Which leaves us wondering at what the future holds for both of us.<P>However, i will continue C to get the help i need no matter what the outcome. I only hope that my H does the same.<P>Caribgirl, its great to hear your motivation on going to the gym has lifted. Good for you! Im sorry you didnt get other responses besides mine on your thread to help you also. I tried bumping it up with my response but i guess that particular is so active it passes through quickly.<P>Wrecked self-image-i thank you for all your insight on sexual addiction and the referals of the books. I am still reading through the diet one from Dr Atkins and will start on it soon when i get a better understanding of what i should be eating to follow it.<P>Mickkey- i had read your story just before you posted your reply and couldnt believe how close to home it felt to me while reading through it. I was surprised at the similarities. I was so shocked to read that your H gave you 6-12mnths to lose the weight or he will divorce you. I was wondering what your reaction was to this and deep were you affected. I follow your thread and when you write about how you feel i find i can relate to you so much but unfortunately have not much advice to give out execpt to continue counselling for yourself. <BR>Thanks so much for sharing your story.<P>Thanks again all for listening.<P>TOS

Just wanted you to know I'm checking in on you periodically. My prayers and heartfelt good wishes are ever with you. Hang in there kiddo & keep the faith!

Tears: I wanted to "weight in" (*sorry*) on your post. I've battled with my weight my whole life. I've spent my entire life in terror of being old and fat, and where did it get me? Old and fat. <P>I decided recently to take off some weight because I'd put on a fair amount last winter due to dealing with a series of crushing family crises. I can deal with being overweight, I just can't deal with being OBESE. I am the most anti-diet person I know, because DIETS DON'T WORK. What good does it do to "go on a diet" when you're only going to "go off it"?<P>The ONLY way to lose weight is to CHANGE THE WAY YOU LIVE -- change the way you eat and get more exercise.<P>I love good food and I hate exercise. This kind of put me in a bind. My H decided last spring that he wanted a bicycle, so I felt pressured into getting one myself. And lo and behold, I love it. In addition to being good exercise, it's also an alternate mode of transportation for those errands like going to the bank. It's important to find something you LIKE TO DO, even if it's just going for a walk with a neighbor. Because if you don't like to do it, you won't stick to it.<P>Same with an eating plan (I hate the word "diet"). There are no quick fixes for weight loss. Some plans promise quick weight loss, but they wreak havoc on your body (i.e. Atkins, which is hell on the kidneys). Unless you change how you eat, you'll gain back whatever you lose.<P>The thing I hate most about most plans is that they tell you exactly what you can eat at each meal, which makes it hard if you have a family that you cook for. I was in one of my Web mail accounts and I clicked on an ad for DietSmart. After three weeks, I've started to lose a little bit of weight, and best of all, I don't feel deprived or hungry. With DietSmart, you answer a questionnaire to determine which of four plans is best for your style of eating. I tend to get the munchies in the afternoon and I like protein, so my plan is a "protein plus plan."<P>Now I'll admit to you: I will probably cancel DietSmart after my three months, not because I'm dissatisfied, but because I'm familiar enough with the food options in each category for each meal that I know what portion sizes are right and what I can have. Some people like to keep lists and journals, and if you're like that, DietSmart lets you do that. <P>This is NOT a quick weight loss plan. It's about 1500 calories a day. You need not give up your desserts at dinner, you just make a different, smaller selection This means you're not hungry and you don't feel deprived, but it'll be a while before you see significant results. I tend to slack off of it a bit on weekends, while still being careful about what I eat. I'm in no hurry, however long it takes. The important thing is that I'm not hungry and I'm not deprived. I've learned that a large salad with just some fruity vinegar on it and a half-sandwich is just as, if not more, satisfying than a whole sandwich. You can have as much vegetables as you want on this plan.<P>No eating plan works if you can't stay with it. If you hate to go to the gym (as I do), you won't go. If you love carbs, you won't last a week on Atkins. You need to be able to LIVE with your plan. This one seems to work for me.<P>If you want to check it out, they're at <A HREF="http://www.dietsmart.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dietsmart.com/</A> .

The sweetess revenge.<BR> I have just felt the sweetess revenge. Yes I found that the man I loved with everything in me cheated on me with another women and the woman was twice my age and I am in my mid 20's and my ex H was in his mid 30's. He told me several months back he would sleep with me again when I lost all my weight and got into shape so we could have a good sex life. I thought it was great at that time too but I guess I was wrong and he was having an affair with a 50 some year old woman just because he told me she was thin and he could lift her during sex. He wouldn't even touch me and the sad part is that I had many many men that did what me or to be with me even with my weight because I had the face but I lost the body that I use to have and I tried so hard to lose it even starving myself to death and bouts with bulima. I never cheated on H even though god knows I should have given him a dose of his own medicine and he had the nerve to tell me the divorced old woman he cheated with was divorced because her husband cheated on her and her ex husband was a idiot for letting a good woman like her who didn't cheat go..,.. can you believe it? I just looked at him as if he were the same blind and stupid idiot as the woman's husband had been and I told him your not much better are you? He then told me he loved me and I was beautiful but too fat for him right now, and he liked to have sex with her because she was still beautiful and thin and I told him ok I understand. I was dying inside and cried myself to sleep every night when he would came home late and I knew he had been with her. I then met a man who told me I was beautiful every day and he encouraged me but he told me I was beautiful as I was but if I wanted to lose weight he would workout with me and be my friend or more if I wanted him to be... Nothing never happend between us only the greatest friendship and I soon lost all my weight and my H had sudden interest in me and sent me flowers at work and tried to take me out to dinner.. I naturally declined his offer even though I still stayed with him through his affair but not once did I cheat because I knew I was a better woman than that. I went from 350 pounds to 120 pounds and the day my H told me I was perfect and so beautiful and he wanted to have a relationship with me again I served him the divorce papers.:0) He was stunned and cried and begged me not to leave him and he would choose me over the other woman NOW he said.. I told him you know the stupid ex husband the OW had .. well now you see you two now have something in common. He went into depression because we had no children but he wanted a family a with me but he wanted his mistress but she is too old to have a family and had grown children who would disapprove of her relationship so it was kept hush. I moved into my own home and I knew her family personaly and they questioned me why I didn't like their mother or their sister and I told them point blank that she had an affair with my H and now it disgraced her with her family and she left him and now he has no one. I recently graduated medical school and I have an excellent job and on my way up as I say and yesterday my divorce was final and I am now dating my friend who has helped me though it all. I know to take things nice and slow and maybe I will marry and maybe I won't but I know never to let someone make me feel that bad about myself again. oh yes to note I saw my ex H and I was with my new SO and I didn't turn or try to find a different route nor lower my eyes as I had always done. I simply told him hi and have a nice day and continued my day with a real gentleman.:0) The look on my ex H was priceless and for once I got the taste of sweetess revenge. I will admit I still love my ex H and some part of me always will because He was my first love and my H, but never again will he hurt me like that. He called and told me he was lonely and did I have any idea how that felt? I told him yes and with a smile and a tear I told him for years I had been alone, but not one day of our marriage did I ever cheat on him so now I think I deserved to be with a man I didn't feel alone with and I hung up. To the woman out there it makes no difference if your slim or if your a fuller figure your always beautiful not because of your shape or your look but because your a woman and no one deserved to hurt you or mistreat you and I wish for you the courage to do what you need to do in times like this and a send a prayer to comfort you all and for men too if they were the ones who had been cheated. my apologies to all.

Hello Tears of Sorrow<P>I haven't heard from you in a while and I was wondering how you are keeping up. Please post an update on how you are doing, and if you have gotten anywhere with your weight loss program.<P>I have been going to the gym steadily for the past month, but I have not been to my monthly weigh-in as yet. I think it's going to be done today and I'm nervous. Wish me luck. If you want to e-mail me directly, my addy is carolinepl@hotmail.com. I look forward to seeing your post or receiving your e-mail.<P>TO "onmywayup"<P>Normally I wouldn't say this, but "good for you", girl!!! That was so ironic the way he wanted you right after you lost weight. What would have happened if you had said yes, and then he would have found another problem with your body (maybe too skinny now??) Too bad for him - he now knows what he lost. I'm proud of you for keeping to yourself until your divorce went through.<P>Here's another thought - don't gloat, because your new SO is also a man. You may be in for better or in for worse. Keep your eyes open, because when men cheat it could be for any reason. <P>Your XH cheated on you for your overweight size, but the other one might cheat on you for something else completely. I don't want to take the joy out of your day, but I just want you to be on the lookout for anything out of the way, okay?<P>I do wish you the best and I hope you continue posting here and let us know how you are doing. Maybe you could open up another thread? If you have done so, direct me to it so I could read up on your story.<P>All the best<BR>Cheers...<P><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Dazed and Confused<P>Thanks for sharing your story and for the suggestion on the diet you follow. You know i get so confused when i hear the downside to a particular diet just when i think i have found the right one. But i will certainly look at that site you recomended and i guess then decide which i would be best for me to follow. At the moment i find im reading heaps but for some reason dont get to actually start on one. Something inside me feels that i have to do this for "him" only. Does this make sense?<BR>Thank again for your support<BR>TOS

BINthereDUNthat<P>Thank you for always checking up on me. Your thoughts are always appreciated.<P>TOS

onmywayup<P>The other night i came on here to update my thread. Instead i found your reply. As i was reading through your story i got so emotional. I even stepped outside to have a ciggaret and found i couldnt stop crying. It was such an amazing story. So sad but yet so inspiring. I looked into your profile but found this was your only post. Were you under a different name previously or is this your first post. I wanted so much to read further into your story but was unable to. I have alot more comments to share with you and questions to ask but at the moment i need to attend to my son. I hope to post soon.<P>Thank you again for sharing your story<BR>Take care<BR>TOS

Dear Caribgirl<P>Thanks for checking up on me. Good luck with your once a month weigh-in. Im sure you will do great. Do you feel better now that your in a routine at the gym. Im sure you do. Keep motivated and dont give up. Think of how much you have accomplished. Keep going! Your doing well..<BR>I will post soon<BR>pS. thank for your email addy<BR>TOS<BR>

Hi Tears<P>It's so good to see you back online - I was indeed wondering if you had taken a turn for the worse, so I was relieved to read your post. I do hope you and your son are doing fine.<P>I still have not done my weigh-in because I missed gym last week - they're changing location. I do feel a lot more energetic since I began going to the gym, but it is still a challenge to do what I must do. Still, I'm hanging in there and hopefully the pounds will start dropping off a little more!<P>Well, I do hope you keep on keeping on. By the way, what is the situation with your H? Has he been supportive in any way? Do let me know when you post.<P>Until then, hugs ..........

Over the past week i have watched on tv the horrible tragedy that occurred at the WTC in America. It is unbelievable that such evil exists in this world of ours. I pray and hope for the victims and their families. Its so heartbreaking when i hear them speak of their search for their loved ones. This tragedy leaves me feeling selfish and that what i am going through is so small, so unecessary and somewhat meaningless compared to others....<P>TOS

TOS,<BR>Just checking up on you to see how you are doing. I too have felt that our burdens have become dimmed in comparison to those looking for loved ones and those who have lost so many friends and family members. This has been devastating and I've had to turn the tv off several times. It sure makes us aware that we need to make our priorities. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow those people are going through. It just makes me cry. I'm going to ask H if this incident has changed anything about the way he feels about me and our situation. I had a panic attack today when he said he'll find out today if he has to travel this coming week to Virginia. It takes my breath away, the fear that I feel. So, I have to go and pray and ask the Lord to help me calm down and deal with this in a non LB way. On the other hand, I've lost 15 pounds and 8 inches in one month. He is still supportive of that. I still feel so sad that all this has occurred and that he still isn't being totally honest with me. That's the hardest part. I can deal with things better if I knew he was being honest, even if they hurt.<BR>Hope you are doing okay.<BR>Mikkey

Can I relate to everyone here. The thing with me was when I was thin and then got preganant with our first child I was only a couple of months preganant and preparing for our wedding. I didn't know until two years later that while I was in our home town that my H cheated on me with a divorced woman he had picked up at a bar. I was so devastated to learn this after our son was two. Why didn't he tell me before we got married. I would have not married him under those conditions. Anyways, I did feel trapped our relationship was never really the same. I wanted to leave him immediately but a good friend who was divorced with 4 kids told me that she had regretted getting the divorce. Anyways, I stuck it through. My hubby was doing heavy drugs and drinking unknown to me then earning very little monies. He was extremely abusive and so distance. Well my health broke down and emotions but our children gave the courage to go on. At one point I was still fairly slim and had gone out to buy all this beautiful lingerie head to toe and surprised him in the kitchen. His reaction was nil and I was immediately hurt by his non interest. Anyways, I withdrew from him further as he believe me wasn't anywhere near meeting EN. The sad part was his bad behavior made me retreat from him further.I think though there is two sides to the story about women being overweight. We hear lots about men getting turned off by thier wives being overweight but my side to this is my husband really turned me off completely to the point I didn't care. I had lost all desire for him, I found that he wasn't very romantic, or giving or a decent person anylonger. I think my weight was sort of a defense barrier to keep him away and my self from love. I don't think I could have faced the truth that I didn't love him anymore either. THe first affair did me in and after being so neglected by such a selfish, self absorbed, self worshipping person and poor lover at that when he was when he was under alchol/.drugs I errected a towers and walls. However, I only hurt my self as well. This is where I made my mistake. <P>Later on I did end up losing about 80 lbs and was down to 120 lbs. I felt absolutely wonderful,confident, alive. However, he had another affair a year previous for six months which I didn't know about until the end of their relationship. This time I stumbled on the affair by accident. Imagine the hurt/pain I went through, yet again. Well, one of things that happened to me that I my EN bank account was depleted that through my work alot of men were showing me all kinds of interest. This really freaked me out and terrified me beyound belief. The temptation to have an affair myself was so great but I knew this wasn't right for my self,family or him. I thought if my intense feelings were so strong that I should probably divorce my H instead of being a cheat like him. I found the pressure of having quite a few men interested in me and belive me men who were quite generous with their feelings and compliments made tempatation very strong for me. In order to cope,and not do anything wrong. I quit my job to flee from the tempatations.<P>My weight did come on again two years later and have been battling ever since. So with my H latest EM/AF I am still not sure what's been going on with him but do know he is was emailing an old friend from high school which he re-met at his reunion last year and took her out for a drink. The only thing he will admit to at the moment and is still in heavy lies and denial about the so called seemingless innocent relationship. Anyways, the damage has been repeatly and this time I am wanting to lose the weight not for him but my self. He doesn't deserve that kind of hand springs from me as although I love him he doesn't have my heart. Perhaps, his latesest fling is to teach me he is definately taking care of himself although destructively. However, for me I want to feel good about myself and be prepared for a life on my own if I have to as I won't tolerate his garbage anylonger. I have raised the kids, fought the good fight of keeping a marriage together/family. The love/sex between us will never, ever be the same, the years have vanished by never to be gotten again. I tried to love my husband the best I could inspite of it all. However,there are enough decent people in the world still out there that don't live below sea level of deception/betrayal such as my husband has done to me. Yes, <BR>I think there is a two street and direct link as to why women get overweight when their spouses don't know how to love but only to steal moments. A overweight woman to me represents an unloved and uncared,uncherished person in the wrong hands in the first place. <P>I think there is a bible verse that says' not to cast pearls before swine. For everyone who has been betrayed here,I sense wonderful hearts full of love and compassion. Noble hearts that dared to love,give, give until we bleed. Surly, we are gifts in this dark greedy world. I so appreciate hearing of the woman getting her life on track with care, dignity and the courage to move on!