I would appreciate anybody's comments on what to do in thebeginning stages of attempting to reconcile a 17 year marriage by myself. My husband left for 4 weeks, (affair was not exposed yet), he came home after the affair was exposed for 3 weeks and left again 2 weeks ago. Saying he wants a divorce and does not love me as a husband should love a wife. <BR>He was gone only one day before he called to appologize for his behavior (very angry and screeming at me)when he left and tell me he had not "filed" yet. He came over the next day and we talked for several hours, cried and prayed together. I want reconciliation and he does not. I asked him if he could give us 6 months to a year before filing for anything. He said he would give it a few weeks and see what happens. I asked that we communicate openly about finances and we agreed he would find a room to rent for $400 per month. He also said he is not seeing the ow anymore. That it will never work with her. He claims to be living in his small office( he relocated there last year away from his maintenance shop) at work which I just found out is in the same building she works in. What a coincidence.<P>My question comes in with what do I do?? God has revealed to me over 6 weeks ago things that I was responsible in the marriage for and done a miraculous work in me. My husband saw the change and said I had turned 360 degrees from who I was before the affair was exposed. This came about when I had a near death experience in a forest fire while I was away camping with relatives. The next day God told me to go home and that was when the affair was exposed amd my heart change occured.<P>During the 3 weeks he was home we began to see a Christian Counselor, pray and read the word, go on dates, show affection (something we were not used to doing) and I really enjoyed it. The problem was my husband was dead emotionally. I did not understand what was happening. He got caught two times going back to sleep with the OW while he was home the first week. I was devastated but he insisted (after God took his breath away in the middle of the night with his back completly going out) that he would break it off with her. He was off work for one week from this injury that he later told me happened while he told me and his daughters he was going to a Bible study and really went to have sex with her. In fact God had given my 16 year old daughter Job 20 the day before that she shared with her dad about how if he did not repent from his sin God would take the tip of an arrow and put it into his back right through his liver. This was the livest example of a pay back I have ever seen God do.<P>But a phone bill arrived 2.5 weeks ago and it had the OW's # on it. I confronted him very lovingly and next thing he is packing and says he is never coming back. I then went into a pitiful sight of pleading with him not to go. It got very ugly and in the end I finally said "just go, I release you". <P>He has called almost every day since he left to talk about "nothing" and even came over for a "dinner date" with me last week. He still has not filed (he says he can only do one thing at a time and that is find a place to live)and said for me to keep waiting for him. He is consumed with finding a place to live since he is living at work (so he says. I do not believe this for one second. She lives right near his work and I just found out last night that he was with her at lunch yesterday due to his cell phone recording a conversation of him asking her how to check his voice mail. I had just called him and he did not answer (I wonder why) so I left a voice mail and when he went to check it for some reason it recorded him and her talking. I know his voice mail password so last night I called his cell phone and checked his messages and here was him and her talking!! I could not believe my ears. Needless to say I did not sleep much last night. <P>What plan should I be on?? <BR>I wrote him a letter and was going to give it to him next time I see him but now I am thinking it will not serve any purpose but make him angry and justify his behavior. <P>Should I file for a legal separation or divorce?? I don't want to but I don't know how long he will keep his check in our joint account.The bills are mounting up quickly.<P>Should I suggest he live with her?? Instead of wasting $1000 month in a share rental that he will never be at just to make it look like he is not seeing her.<P>Should I cut off all contact with him?? I get very down after talking or seeing him when he leaves. I get very emotional. He has not seen our daughters in 3 weeks and I was thinking of setting a schedule to force him to see them? He also tells the girls that he loves and misses them so much and is not abandoning them. This man is SICK!!<P>Any wisdom would be appreciated.<P>Thanks and Keep Praying!<BR>Pray2Day<P><BR>

Welcome <B>pray2day</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Your still married... let him know you still want to be married...<BR>...don't push or shove or encourage time with OM...<BR>...instead... push for time woth you... Plan A-ing all the way.<P>You can Plan A... from a distance...<BR>...it doesn'at carry the "impact" to your WS...<BR>...but in time... you'll find that it is really meant for you more than your WS.<P>Stay here... and ask and seek.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I am with you. I have been married for 17 years and have two teenagers. I am in the middle of a crisis also, but it is amazing how much God will teach us when we let Him. It sounds like you have been "trying" a lot of things. Your husband's heart is divided however, he has been allowed to carry on however he wants and still knows he has you hooked. Cut him off completely. Stop striving. Work on your own. Go to counseling on your own. Become very interesting to yourself. You are worth too much to have him stringing you along. You will not have him in your life until he has not seen or talked to the OW for a period of several months. Don't plan your life around whether he is going to show up or not. You and your girls go on; you want them to come away with good ideals and a model for how to deal with an emotionally controlling & abusive man. Don't compromise yourself. Don't pin your hopes on the behavior of a double-minded man. Put your hope completely in the ONE who has a wonderful plan for you - and watch it unfold. Your husband may or may not choose to be a part of that, but your heart and life will be secure with the Lord - which is where it should be no matter what happens. To take a strong stance for you and your girls, you probably should file for legal separation. That way you will get court ordered support.

trutuyu<P>Thanks for your response. I am not ready to cut him off completely and as long as the money keeps paying our bills I will not need to file for a legal separation. <P>I do agree that I need to go on with my life and not wait for him to show up. That is why I am going to have him stick to scheduled days to take the girls. <P>He came over tonight and my girls gave him letters they wrote. He said he has not even dealt with what he is doing to us. He still says God is done with "us". He says he gave for 17 years and got nothing back from me. This is the biggest lie I have ever heard. But this is a man who is blinded by the lies of Satan.<P>Keep us in prayer.<P>Thanks, Pray2Day

I have been told the same thing - I have been married for 17 years, and my husband told me our marriage has been "bad" from the beginning. I know this is filth straight from the evil one, but it cuts us deep to hear it. In my situation, my husband is getting his needs met with my former best friend. She was in an abusive marriage,and rightfully had her husband leave - but now I only see it was because she had my husband waiting to save her. He is playing the hero and savior to her and her kids, probably to alleviate his guilt with me and our two kids. She is using my husband to feel better about leaving her husband behind and not allowing God to work; when I look back it seems she was trying to draw me into her plan -but I didn't bite. I know it seems harsh, but it seems that our husbands are mockers - proverbs says don't argue with a mocker because he will heap insults on your head. Be careful with your heart and your daughter's hearts. It sounds like when he is allowed "in", he just hurts all of you.