Tonight I did the unthinkable. I told David that I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand the pain of his emotional withdrawal and he had to leave. I don't want him to leave. I just want him to make an effort to repair the marriage. I want him to be like he used to be...warm, loving, involved with me, "into" me and laughing with me. We used to have so much fun together, so many private jokes and a special closeness that is so rare. I always felt so lucky for having what we had. I never took it for granted, I always, always appreciated it. Now it's gone. It's all gone. And I stand here in disbelief that what we had for twenty years is truly over. How could he not want what we had? How could he not want me? He's changed so much...I don't know him anymore. I don't recognize him anymore. He isn't the man I married and loved for so long. He doesn't feel anything for me anymore and it is so obvious, I've decided to give up after six months of me giving 150% and he giving little or nothing lately. I can't take it anymore. I can't go on for one more minute like this. It is so demeaning and hurtful. I've lost my pride and dignity, my confidence and peace of mind. I will never be the same. It's all been stolen from me so suddenly, I keep thinking, "This time last year we were still kind of OK". But, I'm lying to myself. As I look back, the trouble started about February 1998. The affair started October 31st and the OW's pregnancy happened on Thanksgiving. I found out about the affair for sure November 13th and smashed my car into his car and changed the locks on the house. He was gone from then until January 1, 1999. That's when he came to me and told me everything, asked for forgiveness and asked to come home. I took him back because I loved him so much and missed him more than I can tell you. He said if I took him back, he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He said he would 'court' me, focus on me and on us, stop drinking, go through treatment, go to AA, work the program, get counseling, go through Retrouvaille, make amends to my son, and when all that was accomplished, we would be remarried in the Catholic Church. So many promises...all kept, at first. Then our business had some serious problems to contend with. We had to hire an expert to come in and fix the damage done when he was drinking and spending our money on the OW. The stress (and probably guilt) was too much, I guess. He completely ignored 'us' and our recovery, and me. He withdrew from me and became cruel, as well, saying that he didn't want to deal with this relationship stuff and that he wanted me just to leave it alone. I probably could have left it alone but I couldn't stand his coldness towards me. Go ahead and take a break from the discussions about 'us' for a while, just please keep talking to me and make an effort to connect and be close. But, he couldn't, wouldn't do that. And I felt so isolated, unloved, damaged, and the pain I felt was so intense, I just couldn't let it go on like this anymore. So tonight I asked him what was going on at the office. He told me it was none of my business. I told him it was 50% my business and I just want to be informed of the things that were going on. He said "Why do you have to know? Why don't you keep your nose out of it?" I couldn't understand why it was such a big deal that we chat over the daily business happenings...I couldn't figure out why he didn't want me to be involved. So I said straight out, "You've left me already emotionally, haven't you? So now you want me out of the business so you can remove yourself from being involved with me even further, don't you?" "Is this what's going on? Please tell me the truth because this is what I see and feel, but you deny it but won't tell me anything different." Nothing. No response. I loose it and start crying and screaming, "I don't know who you are anymore, but I know I don't like you. You're not my David and I want you out of here. I can't go on living like this with you and I can't believe you can stand it either. Do you want to leave?" He says "No, I like it here. I like my house and I like being here. Why can't you just leave it alone?" I press it further, "You want to be here because of the house or me?" No answer. No response. I said "I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the pain, the isolation and the way you make me so insignificant." He says, "I'm not doing anything to you, you're doing it to yourself." I told him that I missed him, the way he used to be and if only he would make the effort to repair the marriage, maybe we could save it. He said he was waiting and hoping things would change. I told him that nothing will change without and effort on his part. I reminded him of the progress we were making until about three weeks ago and asked what had happened. He had no answers, he said. He looks at me with that cold stare and I feel sick. I don't know how to reach him. I've tried everything from fawning over him, to being cool and remote, to leaving him alone, to trying small talk, to just being kind and non-confrontational, to not mentioning the bad stuff, EVERYTHING. Nothing's worked and nothing will work. He's made up his mind, he feels nothing for me and he truly does want to be rid of me. There's nothing left for me to do but to move on. I think he's been trying to drive me away and I truly believe he has lost his soul and maybe his mind. His personality has changed dramatically since February 1998, and the few small glimpses of the old David are short-lived and few. The promises he made have all been broken and the recovery has stopped. For some reason, I just don't do it for him anymore now that he's had younger, prettier, more fit...and fertile. I can't compete with that and don't even want to. So, I say good-bye to "my once in a lifetime". I was so happy with you for twenty years. You made me feel so special, so beautiful, so loved, so important. I will miss you until the day i die and I will never forget the closeness and specialness that was once ours and ours alone. I'll always remember how crazy we were about eachother and how you would call me every day several times a day telling me all about your day and what was going on. I'll always remember our plans and dreams we shared and the intense passion we had for each other. Remember how we would flirt with each other? Remember all those special trips up north to the cabin at CTL? Our trips to Carmel and Monterey? The trip to Sweden and all the trips inbetween? Remember the sacrifices we made for the business and the kids and when we had nothing and how happy we were anyway? Remember. Remember. Remember. Did you forget? Do you remember the Christmas you gave me the diamond bracelet and the car and the coat? That was just in 1995! You were so nuts about me...what happened? What did I do? What did I say? What happened? Why won't you tell me? I need to know...I need to know. I don't understand. I have to have answers. When did you stop wanting me? Why are you blowing this opportunity to repair the damage? We could have gotten it all back...we were on our way...I couldn't do it alone. I kept waiting for you to talk to me, confide in me like you used to, show warmth and kindness, but, nothing. I miss you. I miss you. Kate

Oh Kate, I am sobbing. I hurt so much for you and what you are feeling. I feel the same way with my H tonight - he has not contacted OW for three weeks and it is as if his best friend has died and I am the person who killed them. Please, please take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Is it possible that your H is also going through some kind of withdrawl period? I know there is a child involved and there is still contact with the OW. <P>In truth, I have no answers. Just remember it is not all YOU. There is no one thing you did or said or didn't do or didn't say. And he has told you he doesn't want to leave... Oh catnip, I feel and acknowledge your pain and think it is so sh**ty that we have to be going through this.<P>Starpony

Kate,<BR> I'm so sorry that things have reached this point for you.<BR> I'm still hanging on, but if things don't change within the next month, I'm seriously considering separation.<BR> I'm praying for you and your family.<BR>SK

Starpony and Still Kickin: Thank you for your kind words and support. I believe the only reason H wants to stay in the house is for financial reasons and because he likes the house. It has little to do with me. I think he thinks if he's mean enough to me, I will leave and he will get to live there alone. He has not spoken to OW since January 17...and I'm almost sure this is true as we had a telephone testimony on May 16 with the courts in her state from our state for the paternity suit. He claims he wants nothing to do with her...but then, why doesn't he want anything to do with me as well? The baby is due August 21. I don't understand Plan A or plan B very well and have been searching old posts looking for clues. I hear there is a Plan B letter...where would I find it? Ladies, the last thing I want is for my marriage to end. I can't believe we went through all this crap and all this struggle and survive all of it just to have it come to this. I read all Harley's posting about intimacy, conflict and withdrawal...and it's all very scary. Especially the withdrawal...it's like nothing can be done and there's no way to bring them back from that stage unless Plan B is implemented. But, what the hell is Plan B and what do you do and what should the letter say? Where do I find it? Please advise. Thank you so much. Catnip

Kate,<BR>Your words brought tears to my eyes.<BR>When I finished reading your post I thought, she should sit her H down in front of the computer and MAKE him read what she wrote. Tell him, if it's the last thing he ever does for you, he should read this. Are you familiar with the story of Helen Keller? Her teacher, I believe Annie Sullivan, was struggling to reach Helen. The break through came at the well. She had Helen's hands under the water as she pumped. Helen struggled with her as her teacher kept signing "water" in Helen's hands. They fought and fought. Helen was so stubborn, frustrated & angry! Then it was if a light turned on in Helen. Her blind eyes were "open" for the first time. She finally understood what the teacher was trying to do! She felt that cold well water rushing through her hands and made the connection with the sign language. That "eye-opener" changed her life forever. Do you understand what that analogy has to do with your H? He is BLIND Kate! He's not seeing anything. He's blinded by selfishness, lust, anger and deceit. I know because I've been there myself! If you could only let him read what I just did. If that doesn't open his eyes...I just don't know what will. I just feel so sorry for him. If he doesn't wake up, he's going to lose so much. I'm just so sorry <BR>

Oh, Catnip. I've had that fight, that response. The at first "I'll treat you like a queen" to "I can't work on this marriage" to now "I can't live with you". It hurts. I keep searching for "my" husband. I see glimpses and that gives me hope, but so often I see this cold, callous meanie. He breaks my heart each and every time. You stated it far better and deeper than I dare go right now. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. No help, just commiseration.

Thank you, Kyra, thank you so much. I appreciate all of you listening to my pain because it's so great that if I don't tell you what is in my heart, I'm afraid of what might become of me. I feel like I'm disappearing right before my very eyes. This pain is so intense that I can't see anything else. I know I can't tell David to read what I wrote right now because he'll be enraged I told my Mother about the OW's pregnancy and possibly truly make it impossible to go back. You see, I still am holding onto a slight thread of hope. I will edit it and print it for him. I remember the story about Helen Keller and her revelation of how to communicate. It was sudden and sweeping. I wish this kind of revelation to happen to each one of us and our spouses. If there was something I could do to take away all this heartache for all of us, I would devote the rest of my life to service. I'm so tired of the destruction of all these families and feel so sad for the kids involved. I've come full circle, as well. I started out sad, went immediately to angry and combative with a bad attitude, now back to sad yet now with acceptance of the inevitable with a dash of hope. Love Catnip

Lor: Thank you for your post and commiseration. I only go this deep because I must begin to heal, I am in mourning and I am grieving as though David has died and I must feel the pain in order to get rid of it. I can't stand the push-pull, love you-hate you scenario that has been played out over the past six months. I don't want to give up at all but feel I must just to survive and go on. I posted a prayer to God for me and for all of us. I know He's listening to all of us. I'm on my knees. God Bless and thanks again. Catnip

So sorry Catnip<BR>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

Kate,<P>I hear you. You want someone to tell you he's a cad, yet if they criticize him, you defend. It's tough to deal with. You get to a point, if you let yourself, of letting go, for the best of both. I have recently gotten to the point where I have stopped trying to make things happen here. Let go, let God. Maybe you, like me, have gotten to the point where you are resigned to the point that the people we married do not exist anymore. If those people have "died", grieve for them. It makes it easier to not hate the new people they are. Forgiveness. Problem is you can't do any of this automatically. You have to go through the pain, the process. Trick is you have to start. Focus on it and begin to heal. Prayers to you.<P>Eric32

Catnip,<BR>I just responded to your other post, but was so moved, I wanted to respond here.<P>I wish I had answers, and maybe you do have to let go.<P>If OW is due August 21, maybe that's like an elephant you can not ignore in the front yard. I don't see it now, but didn't you say something about being really bad for three weeks...isn't that about the date of your testimony?<P>Maybe your H is so empty and feels so much shame and is so pressured by your business, the paternity thing and everything else (no, not you) that he just has nothing to give anyone. Could he be clinically depressed?<P>Plan A & Plan B are in book SAA...don't know if on web site, but Plan B is a letter that restates your love and committment to marriage, but says you can not have any more contact until he recommits. All contact is through a third party. <P>I am not encouraging you to stay in marriage and do not be an enabler in any way. But it does sound like your H is really bottoming out. You may want to give him (and yourself) plenty of space, but save the more permanent decisions until after summer.<P>You have put it in the Lord's hands...now trust him to direct your path.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I have no words of wisdom to offer here, but oh, I hurt for you. What a terrible thing to go through, and I'm well aware it could happen to any of us.<P>Just know that there are people here to understand and care. And if you decide it's time to let go, know that you'll get no judgmentalism here, because you certainly have had the patience of a saint. I don't think I could do it.

Dear Kate,<P>I feel your pain and I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this right now. I do believe that your H needs to move out. He probably needs to face all of his own pain & guilt over what an awful thing he has done to you. Maybe then he will begin to realize what he is about to lose and then he can focus on rebuilding a relationship with you. Please know that I am thinking of you. I feel a bond with you since my OW's baby is due Aug. 16. The next few months will be the hardest time in our lives.<P>Take care,<BR>Audrey

Oh Kate...I am sitting here crying, because your post touched so close to my own experience....God how I hurt over the loss of my husband, my best friend. It hurts so so much. It's worse than a death. It just is. and sometimes it hurts so bad I think I'll not be able to cope.....but I keep hanging on. I have to, for my kids. I am all they have now. <BR>God Kate...I wish I could just hug you right now....I'm so so sorry....<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Linda~<P><BR>

Catnip,<BR>Your post is the first one here to make me cry and I have read a lot of them. So much of what you said I can feel and understand. Where are the men we loved so much and had such wonderful times with. What happened to them to make them cruel and hurtful and to make them turn away from us to someone else. How do we ever get those feelings back. I too feel like I have put forth most of the effort to save our marriage. He is doing things around the house, but the emotional commitment has been all mine. I too get tired of the constant rejection. I want the love we use to have.<P>You are in my prayers.<BR>EverAfter

Jenny: Thanks for your prayers.<BR>Eric32: I agree I must forgive those who trespass against us and for the people they have become...so different from what we once knew and loved. Thanks for your sage advice.<BR>Faith: I ordered the SAA book last night and will read up on the Plans...thanks...the greatest of these IS love.<BR>Dazed: Thanks so much for your kind words. God bless you.<BR>Audrey: We are in the same boat, are'nt we? Apparently I will need your support and you'll be needing mine over the next two months. My e-mail is kmkofflin@aol.com if you need to get ahold of me.<BR>Linda and Ever After: I am so sorry to have made you cry. Sometimes I just have to speak from the heart because otherwise it will fracture more and more. It is so healing for me to write these things down and share them with you. I know you all feel these things too, and if I can articulate them for you and you benefit in some way by identification, I am gratified. Sometimes just saying it out loud all the things I feel so deeply to the core releases some of the pain. I hate the pain you and I are in...it's so debilitating and destructive. Writing clears my head and makes me move forward faster...it closes chapters and begins new ones. The journey is fascinating and excruciating and I am in awe of our strength. I had no idea I could take so much and survive. I really love each and every one of you. you are all so amazing and incredible. I just know there's a pony in there somewhere! Love Catnip

Catnip,<BR>Thanks for writing, You make me feel validated. When I tell my H how I feel he doesn't get it. I miss the old H soo much. He was my best friend. I am so hurt. I feel so isolated. I am thankful for the Forum. I don't feel like a freak anymore. I hope God will move on my behalf soon. I am praying for you and all of us who share this horrible circumstance. Our paternity test will be back in two more weeks. I am praying for a miracle.<BR>

I bring this to the top because I printed this post and brought it home to my H and left it on the diningroom table and left town for a couple days. While I was gone, something amazing occurred. He read it. And it impacted him in a way that I did not expect. I am too skittish to detail it all out because it seems too good to be true. His reaction was a thousand times better than I anticipated. I explain more on Withdrawal-0 of what took place. I can't say this will last long term because over the last six months he has made a few attempts at reparation, however, this time seems different. Only time will tell. Guardedly optimistic. Thank you for your love and support and my wish for you all is to experience a miracle. Catnip

Bringing this to the top for Lynn.