My wife had a long term affair with another married man. I found out about it about 4 months ago. I just realized now that the other persons wife does not know. I feel strongly about honesty and am upset about my wife's friends who knew about the affair but didn't tell me. Should I tell the other persons wife???<P>I feel that she deserves to know the truth. I feel that I am contributing to the lie that her husband began. Is this the right thing to do??? I really don't want to contribute to this lie.<P>Am I just being jealous and mean???<P>Did anyone else go through this??<P>Jim<p>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: Jim-Arlington-VA ]

I say, yes, please tell her. It would be a kindness to give her choices back to her. Are you not thankful to have your choices back? I wish someone, anyone, would have let me known, even if anonymously. ember

I agree, tell her...but be prepared for some very heavy backlash. others here have done it, and they end up looking crazy because the WS's deny it and make the teller look stupid and vindictive.<P>Also she may choose to disbelieve you.

I did and I have absolutely no regrets about doing so. Give her the choice of whether to believe you or not. Good luck

Well, IIIII dooooon't knooooow??<P>The reason why is because if the affair doesn't have a chance to die a natural death, then the WSs might definitely end the affair because of being busted, but still be in love and resume contacting each other in secret...<P>Sorry you are faced with this tough decision, but just giving you another side to the puzzle.<P>Maybe you should focus on Plan A as best as you can (try to meet your spouse's emotional needs and avoid love busters) and require YOUR spouse to end contact. If she refuses, then after 6 months, go to Plan B. That's Dr. Harley's basic recipe for recovery.<P>I don't think you are jealous and mean, but I do think your priority should be your marriage. What if by telling OMs wife, you might be prolonging the affair? You know, causing them to take steps to be more secretive??? I don't know, just my wandering mind thinking out loud...<P>Hope this gives another perspective. YOU found out in your perfect timing to process the information, OM's wife will also find out when the timing is right for her to deal with it.<P>Has your wife agreed to eliminate all contact and ending the affair?

Jim<P>I am in the very same boat as you, my H is having an affair with a married woman and her husband does not know, I want to call and tell him for I feel he should know what his wife is up to.<P>Poochi

Dear J-A-V,<BR>I'm sorry you are hurting. I found this (Dr.Harley) article and maybe it will help you sort out these difficult emotions?<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8503_fft.html" TARGET=_blank>But no one told me!</A><p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]

btdt, I read the analogy. I just do not think it is the same in Jim's situation, or any situation, to compare apples to oranges.<P>Jim, I still would tell. If your marriage could not withstand truth, what good is it? Since I was a BW, I still wish I had known. Do you wish you were kept in darkness? Being given "MY" choices back was a God sent blessing. Please do tell. ember

I think it would be a kindness to tell her. She is probably going insane trying to figure out WHY her husband seems so distant and knows something is wrong but can't put her finger on it. She is probably living in hell trying to figure out what is wrong. This might also bring things to a head very quickly by bringing some ugly reality into the affair and bring it to an end. Most married men don't leave their wives for the OW so it would put him in a position to end the affair in order to save his marriage.

Yes call the other spouse. I did and found out that he not only knew about the affair, was ok with it,thought I knew about it and that that I was ok with it all. Sick, sick, sick.

Make that call today. I did and found out that the OW husband wanted to talk to me. Had in fact tried to find me. I am glad I called him.<P>Good luck

Thanks for all the responses.<BR>I appreciate your concern and support during these difficult times. I did finally call her and told her about the affair. She did not know about it. I told her I was sorry for relaying bad news. The extra-ordinary thing I remeber from the phone call is that she knew we have two young boys and wanted me to make sure I look out for them. I recommended Harley's books and web site, but she's not a computer person, so I hope she reads the books.<P>Thanks for all your help.<P>Peace,<P>Jim

Jim, I am glad you told her. She must have met your W at some time in the past. How else would she know how many C you have? Unless H already told her. Are you going to have any more contact with her? ember

Thanks again Ember.<BR>I don't have any plans to talk to her again. She took the news quite well (no screaming or yelling). I think that although we both have a lot in common, we should try to work it out separately. I would be open to answer any questions she has of me.<P>I need to focus on my relationship right now.<P>Peace,<P>Jim

The OW's husband and I made a deal that we would notify each other of any continued contact. We both were monitoring the cell phones. Both WSs knew this. The only problem is that the OW's husband would sometimes tell me hurtful stuff making it seem like my H was the aggressor. (He needed to believe that). I of course need to believe the opposite (and do have some proof to support my side of things). So in that way it's good not to have too much contact with the OP's spouse.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by espoir:<BR><STRONG>The OW's husband and I made a deal that we would notify each other of any continued contact. We both were monitoring the cell phones. Both WSs knew this. The only problem is that the OW's husband would sometimes tell me hurtful stuff making it seem like my H was the aggressor. (He needed to believe that). I of course need to believe the opposite (and do have some proof to support my side of things). So in that way it's good not to have too much contact with the OP's spouse.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just have to say I agree with espoir...I had the OW's H telling me all kinds of things about my H that I knew were not true. i.e., my H was ALWAYS chasing his W. Not true, after I looked at some of their chats that I archived. It many times was her wanting to talk to him. My H was not innocent bu any means but if I listened to everything the OW H had said, it would only hurt me more, whether it was truthful or not. He needed to believe that, he wanted to believe that. I can't worry about him anymore. I just need to focus on my marriage and not worry about anything or anyone else.<P>Bluebird

Back in July, my post "On informing OP's spouse of affair" got a pretty good airing with lots of valid opinions. Reviewing this post may be helpful. Here's the link:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010495" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010495</A> <P>Hope it helps, even though Jim already made a decision - the right one IMHO.<P>WAT