Decue, <P>First off, I want to say that regardless of your sexual experience before your marriage, if the sex was lacking (in his opinion) then he should have worked on it WITH you, rather than finding it elsewhere. That is NOT your fault, for not meeting those needs!<P>Also, regardless of any other needs you may have not met, any resentment about the children, etc, the affairs are not your fault! You may be partially responsible for the marriage getting into a state where an affair happened, but the affair was totally his responsibility!<P>I found emails from my H to another woman, questioned him, and after a few days finally got what I believe is all the info. He had a total of 5 affairs, some very quick (1 and 2 nights), the others months long. He also admitted to taking other women (other than the 5 he slept with) out for drinks or dinner, hoping to sleep with them also, but they weren't interested. This was all while he was out of town on business.<P>I threatened divorce immediately. I think that really shook him and made him come out of the fog he was in fast! He was (he thought) madly in love with the last woman, but when he realized he was about to lose his wife and family (3 young kids) he agreed immediately to drop her.<P>He says that now he would never look at another woman, he totally thinks differently. He read a book that he thought really changed his life. It's from a Christian perspective, and is called "Every man's battle..." there's a subtitle, something like "winning the war against sexual temptation". It's about how men are so visual, and even looking, which leads to fantasizing about other women is wrong.<P>Also, he started going to church. He really found God, finally, during this time. That has helped him tremendously. Before, the only men he associated with were the types to share files of naked women they'd found out on the internet!<P>Also, he gave up all his porn. He admitted to thinking about sex constantly, he thought that it was a need that he HAD to have met, and if he was out of town, then he had the right to meet his sexual needs with other women (esp. because our sex life was lacking in quantity...he wanted it all the time and I didn't). What he realized though, was that he was feeding that need with porn, magazines, websites, and pictures on the internet. He threw it all out and deleted all the files. He makes a conscious effort not to look at attractive women (that's part of that book he read) because even just looking leads to fantasy, etc.<P>I must say though that he didn't come totally clean all at once. I think that he did tell me about all the women he had sex with, but there were the dates he went on that he didn't tell me about until later. And the details about the affairs, the plans he made to go on "fake" business trips to see them (he didn't go, only because he got caught first), the fact that he was totally madly in love with one of them (unfortunately I found further emails that showed this...the first emails were pretty platonic and he never wanted to admit how much he loved and wanted her until I read those). He also had continued contact with them, after we talked and talked about him not contacting them! Luckily it was not to continue the affairs, but it was because he was "worried about them", he didn't want them to think they'd ruined his life, so when they called and email'd to see how he was (they knew I had found out) he replied to them, even though I had asked him not to, under any circumstances, contact them again. <P>Well, what I'm trying to say is that it happens, my H is only 4 months out from d-day, but he swears he will never do it again. Just be aware that with so many affairs, there may be lots of continued contact (you just have so many OW to worry about!) and there may be lots of things he lies to you about, because the whole thing is so awful that he's going to try to minimize whatever he can. One thing my H told me was that he felt I made it impossible to tell the truth...because I'd say "I want to know everything now, and if I ever find out you lied to me, that's it, I'll divorce you". So when he got into that "minimizing" mode, where he didn't want to admit to something that I asked him about, thinking it would just make things worse, hurt me, didn't matter anyway because it was over...yada yada yada, he would just lie about whatever it was, and then later he would be afraid to 'fess up to it, because of what I'd said about EVER finding out he'd lied. So I don't know how to go about it, but if you need details, you need to make it "safe" for him to answer your questions.<P>Good luck!<P>sis
