Fellow betrayeds<BR>We live in Australia, my MIL lives in Scotland. I get on great with the MIL have rang her a couple of times since separation and she tells me she prays that we will get back together.<P>Trouble is it is now 4 months since separation and 10 months since the affair started. I don't believe my W has told MIL exactly what has been going on. I think my MIL would have some influence on her as they are very close (normally). So the big dilemna is. DO I TELL THE MIL OF THE AFFAIR???<P>I don't think I have much to lose but perhaps plenty to gain. The only problem as I see it is the W wouldn't be very impressed (maybe a LB what do you think)? Everyone other than my W can see how stupid this affair really is.<P>Please comment, has anyone been through similar? <P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

Fairenough - <P>I gather you don't want to be viewed by your spouse as telling her family about her affair. I understand. (I told my W's entire family about 12 hours after discovery).<P>Here's a sneaky idea...if you think your MIL would play along.<P>Next time you talk to her, ask her to play 20 questions with you, you know the game...where person A thinks of something and person B has 20 questions to discover what it is.<P>Except in this case, you are thinking of your W's affair and you get the MIL to guess what you're thinking. When W finds out that MIL knows, your W will blame you for telling...you can honestly say that your MIL guessed and asked. Since you are such an honest person you can't keep the secret (that would be a lie after all).<P>This is one sneaky way to inform your MIL without "telling" her. It probably still is a love buster.<P>Hell - go ahead and tell her...she'll find out sooner or later. [I'm in a pissy mood this AM] Like I said, I told my in-laws and they condemned her actions immediately. They haven't spoken to her since July.

fairenough,<P>I did tell my MIL, but only because she and I have such a close relationship and my own Mother is dead. Actually, she had it figured out anyway. Unless your marriage was pretty rotten to begin with, I find most people ASSUME an affair is the reason the spouse wants out. As in my case, we did not have a bad marriage and she had already assumed correctly that e was running around on me.<P>She told me that she knows he really loves me and for me to hang in there. But, she also sould support my decision to file for divorce if I felt I wanted to do that. What a great MIL!!!! She has not told any of the other family members - they all live in other states other than where H and I live. Two of our kids do not even know!!!<P>The nice thing about telling your MIL is that she can support you and your D. But, don't expect her to be able to talk some "sense" into your W. When it comes to infidelity, the LOGIC and REASONING partsof the brain go into 100% shutdown for the betrayers. <P>Still, your MIL might gently confront her D and ask if someone else is involved and impart some "I don't really approve" attitude. But, if your W's own guilt hasn't gotten to her, doubt if MIL's disapproval will add much to it.....SORRY! <P>Take care.....<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Shattered1<P>Thanks your idea of the guesssing game sounds the way to go it at least makes an honest liar of me should my wife confront me. Incidently I read your profile and the distancing and let down you experienced is similar to what I went through. I will go back and read some of your posts. <P>RMA<P>Likewise in our situation, the marriage was perfectly servicable prior to the affair, the affair commenced and the marriage was "broken".<P>MIL came out to Australia 18 months ago with her friend and we all had a great time. She knows the score in the marriage so W would have a hard time convincing her otherwise. <BR>RMA it just seems I continue to tell no one whilst my W slowly breaks the news to all our friends with the necessary distorted justification.<P>I thought maybe the MILs dissaproval would be another issue my W would have to deal with. She may even have told her about the boyfriend but I'm sure not that it was going on 6 months prior to our separation.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

I decided NOT to tell my MIL or anyone in my family either. Here's why: I had made my decision to stay with him and I didn't think it would be very productive. I knew they'd say something to say other than "well, if you'd" or "you should dump him, now". I KNEW my family would never forget it and would never feel the same about him again. So I decided to share it only with my closest friends who I knew would be supportive of me and yet supportive of my decision without offering all sorts of "well meaning" advice. Just my 2 cents.

I had no problem telling in-laws about the affair. They were the first to condemn it. W tried to justify with the usual shpeal. IL's didn't buy it.<P>Infideliy is inexcusable. IL's have been some of my biggest supporters.<P>FIL and I are best of friends, so far he's been the only one besides myself to tell W she is Fing up royaly. She resents him for his honest candor, he was a betrayer 17 years ago and is still married.<P>MIL is slightly different story. She started to buy W BS, until she talked to me more. MIL and I have had a tumultuos relationsship to say the least. One of the blessings of this mess is now MIL and I have a genuine friendship.<P>If MIL confronts your W it proably won't make much difference, it will probably piss your wife off. If there's truth in MILs chastising.<P>Two things about truth first it will piss you off, then it will set you free.<P>Is "sodding" still a colorful adjective you Aussies use.<P>If so. If you W gets pissed by what her MOM says, sod her, she'll get over it. Mine did.<P>Did I use that in the right context. No offence intended, thats how I felt about my Ws unjustifiable anger towards her parents.<P>I say tell.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Barrie<BR>Thanks, this has concerned me and is probably the reason I haven't told MIL to date. It would have been much better for all if the whole thing had blown over months ago and the least known the better. Unfortunately this has dragged on somewhat (4 months since discovery) and at some stage will be revealed to all, it is all a matter of who by, when and how.<P>Bill<BR>What a sodding mess, eh (probably more of an English saying, but we Aussies do use from time to time). I thank you for your thoughts. <P>The distance is the big factor in this issue, the W contacts MIL very little (perhaps once a month) due to the geographical distance, whilst it is still a close relationship it is not the typical M and D relationship of dependancy. However I'm sure that my MILs dissaproval would way somewhat on my Ws mind so I think it is about time she found out.<P>Regards Fairenough

Good for yoy tell MIL about you wifes sodding affair.<P>That is a very colorful adjective.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>