I am 3 weeks post D-day and ready to pull my hair out. My WS was having an EA/PA with a 17 year old that he met at work. She was living with us while she was in treatment for meth and assualt. I was stupid enough to think that we could help this girl. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
I found proof and confronted him. He admitted it and I told her to get out and he left with her. They are staying at a friends house.
For the first week, he came by and saw the kids, told me that he loved me, was so sorry for hurting me. Then they had a talk and decided to stay together, so he doesn't love me anymore.
He calls and we talk and have talked more in the past 3 weeks than we did in that past 6 months. I mean talking in telling each other about the problems in the marriage. Especially the sex life after 2 kids.
But he can't come home because "he can't give her up" or "I am the only one who cares about her". She called one night and wanted me to help her find a way out. Said that she thought everyone would be better off if she killed herself. Asked me not to tell him that she called and wanted to meet the new day and talk. Said that he had told her that he wouldn't divorce me and when I did divorce him, they would get married. Then she turned around and told him that I called her. I asked him for the house keys. He gave them to me.
He told me just this week that she is mad at me because I won't let her see my kids. Like I really care if she is mad at me and I hope that she never sees my kids again.
He said that he has told her that she can leave whenever she wants and her brother can come get her whenever. I told him that there were programs to help her, he offered to talk to her about any programs but he didn't know of any.
I am ready to pull me hair out because he get upset whenever I mention his happy new home and says "I am so glad that you think that I am happy" I got home late the other night and he knew what time I got home. But I am supposed to believe that there is too much water under the bridge to work this out, his words. He is also afraid that "if I come home and if we work this out, we will be back in the same place in 2 year"
Do I just wait this out and then try to fix our problems or run in the other direction?

What a tough spot to be in. I mean, here you offer your home to help someone who desperatly needs it and then this. I'm not trying to cause any trouble, but do you see the legal ramifications of this? 17 year old girl who obviously isn't in control of her own physical or mental self, H in a position of trust, a PA happening? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. H isn't helping this poor girl one bit, he is hurting her even more.<p>She needs to go to some kind of professional care facility, anyway you could help her get there? I get the feeling that she is looking for a way out of the relationship, that's why she came to you. I wonder if H is looking at her as a lost sheep and he is the only one who can help her. In my opinion, this situation needs to be ended now, this kind of A can't die a natural death.<p>I'm not trying to bring you down anymore than you already are. You will get thru this!!! Remember, its only been 3 weeks and your emotions are still raw. It took me about that long before God showed me the inner strength that I never knew I had. There isn't a single person here at MB who hasn't felt the way you do. You will survive and be a better person!

LoveHerStill,<p>I have offered to take her somewhere, even buy her a bus ticket home but she "loves" him and won't go. He does think that he is the only one who cares for her even though she has family who have offered her a home, but she is telling them that he loves her, she loves him and they are meant to be together and that everything will work out, just wait and see.
What do you mean this kind of affair will not die?
In this state, 17 is legal so there are no legal ramifications.
Our children hate her and write her notes everyday telling her that she needs to go home and let their dad go.
He and I were instant messanging last night from where they were living and he says that he is sorry for what he did, and the fact that I am hurting, the kids are hurting and that he is hurting too, but "he can't give her up". I just don't know what to do.

One of the MB concepts states that an A (not just H's, but all A's) have to die a natural death, but they do die. It means that either one has to enbd the A and all contact with the other. There is no way the the BS can stop the A, when they try, it only pushes the WS further into the 'clutches' of the OP and gives the OP a reason to prove that they are the 'right one'. Once the A comes into the light of day, the fantasy is shattered, the fun is gone and WS and OP begin to question the validity of the A and their feelings for each other. It took W about a month before I think she finally realized that the A was over and that OM didn't want anything to do with her. Some WS's take longer, some shorter, you cant' predict when it will happen. That is about the time W made a comment like "what the h** was I doing, I must have been crazy". W's still in withdrawal, denial and the fog and we haven't really begun the recovery process, but it was a start.<p>I guess my thing is the young age, meth addiction and abuse situation you mentioned and how H has said that no one else cares for her. To me this doesn't sound like a typical A, but then again, is there really such a thing? Hopefully someone else here has some better insight into what this may mean, you may try posting on GQII, it's a lot more active than this forum.<p>Stand firm and strong Linaka. Remember that you can only control your own actions and reactions to this situation, you can't control WS's. Focus on yourself and those kids, you all don't need to suffer anymore than you already have. All that cr*p about "we love each other" and "we are right for each other", don't take it personally, we have all heard the exact same thing. Its just the fog and them trying to justify what they know is wrong. God has revealed the truth to you, He will reveal the truth to H, don't worry about that.