I have been reading the articles on this site for a couple of weeks now trying to find some answers. I have printed out numerous articles and given them to my wife Sara. She finally confided (with a little pressure) that she is having an emotional affair. She took the kids and moved in with her mom the first week of November. I of course should have seen it coming but did not. Not to take any blame away from myself though: A little background<p>I am a recovering alcoholic and addict with almost 8 years clean and sober. I have never been abusive and we have had a fantastic marriage. She is one to always make sure that everyone else is happy even at her own expense. After I entered recovery I developed outside hobbies such as mountain biking and currently computers. She was always supportive but I apparently neglected to meet her emotional needs. I also gave into some online advances two years ago while running ICQ and flirted with a couple strangers, she found the messages and our intimacy

I don't know if I typed too much or what but I will try to retype all that did not make it!<p>was broken. I thought we had worked it out but she is not one to share her feeling very well and I am one that tries too always work it out right now. She probably stuffed her feelings like usual to make me happy.
Since getting clean I ran up numerous debts and started new hobbies such as mountain biking and currently computers ( I attend night school in addition to a good day job ). She has always been supportive and the kids and her even used to go on trips with me. She got tired of it though and I made the mistake of continuing on alone.
She told me last night about this guy from work that is also going through a separation and has been there for her when I wasn't. This explains all the cell phone calls that I did not know who they were too and why she no longer wears her ring. I told her how hurt I was and have spent the last seven weeks trying to show her how much I love her and want to work on our relationship and learn to communicate better. We have always had a great sex life, and she spoiled me with doing all the housework, yardwork, etc.....I took advantage and neglected her emotional needs. I have learned much from reading this site but she insists that she needs space and the more I try to see her the more she wants to never see me again. I try to not bring up our relationship but seem to sabotage myself. I am always looking for that spark to still be there. The first two weeks she was gone we went out a couple times and were even romantic. She now says that was only lust. I love my wife unconditionally and would be willing to work past anything that may be going on that I don't know about or want to believe. She even went to her company Christmas part in a rented gown and said she would feel to uncomfortable to be seen with me now that we are not together. I think she probably went with the co-worker she has been seeing. She has started drinking again and smoking and told me she needs to move out of her moms and will not ever be helping out with our bills again. She insisted I file for bankruptcy, which I initiated yesterday. She has planned all along to stay Christmas Eve and do the Santa thing and have a good Christmas morning. I'm scared of what will happen when the holidays are over.
Tonight she had planned to go to dinner with the girl's and I and then come down and watch a movie if I did not try anything romantic or bring up our relationship. Last nights honesty regarding "him" and the fact she accused me of only wanting to spend more time with the kids to get out of future child support may have broken those plans. Her counselor apparently told her to spend more time on herself, which is what she has been asking for. I have such a hard time letting go. I have no friends or family to talk with and feel so alone and overwhelmed. I turned to this site for support and hope to be welcomed. I look forward to your advice and have lots more to say.

Hi Scott,<p>First off, welcome to our sad, yet determined marriage building family. I am sorry for your sadness, but know that we all share in your grief and are here for you and to encourage you.<p>It sounds like your wife simply got caught up in an outside relationship and got sucked in too deep, now she probably doesn't think she can ever "feel" anything for you again. There is hope, however, because she is sadly very wrong.
You said that she feels like being with you was only because of lust, well, that is a lie... being with your h is love and being with someone through adultery is lust, big time! My h had the same lies fed to him by Satan himself. <p>The most wonderful thing about this situation is that there is hope. I found my hope in the Lord. I know that God is the only one who can bring anyone, anything back from the dead and unfortunately, your marriage "seems" dead to your wife... God can change that! Please pray for her, for your girls, for yourself. W needs to see a changed man. And as much as you would like to see a changed wife, that is in the future, because she is in the "fog"- she is not seeing clearly, right now.<p>I would bet that the counselor she is seeing is a secular counselor. I wouldn't recommend to anyone to spend less time with your spouse because it opens the door for them to see their boyfriend or girlfriend.<p>You are in a tough spot, but all things are possible with God - and that is truth, my friend.
Your wife and you are ONE, God keeps his promises, even when we don't. People break covenants everyday - that is why the divorce rate is so high...but if you are willing to fight and be faithful for this marriage, God is on your side and victory is already guaranteed. <p>Remember to pray, pray for wife, daughters, yourself, even pray for other man to back off and ask God to convict this man of his sin. <p>God Bless,
Julia

Thanks Julia. I will add a little more information. About a week ago I noticed she quit wearing her wedding ring. We were married in the Catholic church although I am not a Catholic. I have honored her religion and helped raise our girls as such. Anyway, I have taken those vows very seriously and when she said she could not wear her ring because she felt disconnected I was heartbroken. I felt compelled to give her the Christmas present that I had purchased as I felt it was appropriate for the moment. It is a miz-pah coin which quotes Genesis 31:49 "The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another". I told her whatever happens at least God will always watch out for us. It made her cry, and she said it touched her heart. I felt better.
After last nights discussion about the OM (just friends) I felt that she had finally been honest with me. She did think that I wanted to spend more time with the kids though just to get out of future child support and I left with her feeling angry.
We had made plans for a dinner at a local restaurant with the girls to use a gift certificate we have received. We were then going to rent a movie and watch it as a family if I could not bring up our relationship or try to be romantic. I became worried by late afternoon with no contact but was relieved when she called and said the plan was still on. We had a nice meal and then the girls said they would like to ride with me to the movie store. On the way my youngest daughter began a story about last nights shopping trip with Brent and his son. My oldest daughter nudged her and said shhhhh! I asked why she did that and they both broke down and told me all about him and his son and how mom said they were only friends but not to tell me about him. How dare she ask them to lie!!!! I was infuriated. I told them I would not embarass them nor ruin the evening so we got the movie and I watched while trying to figure out what to say and enjoy their company. After the movie I asked my wife for a moment and told her very calmly that I really don't care anymore what she does but not to ask the girls to lie or make them feel guilty. She admitted to making a mistake and I desperatly want to believe her when she says that he is going thorugh as seperation also and she is just friends but I feel like a fool. The signs are all there. She said her counselor told her she should not be seeing him as it could be misconstued. Well, I just cannot believe after last night I thought she was finally honest with me and then she packs up our kids and goes out with him! How cold. I will never understand how people can be so cruel. I am almost ready to throw in the towel and just file for divorce myslelf just to end the pain. I don't feel as though I have a chance.

ScottP,
When selfishness took over the better part of your W, she will try to do anything under the sun to continue. Learn as much about MB, learn about plan A and LB. The first reaction is to give up and get Dv. There is no guarantee on your M but by doing MB at least you give your last shot. However it is very painfull but you have to make a decision, if MB could bring back your W then are you ready for 'coaster ride of your life ?.

Oh Scott,<p>I hate to agree with Redhat, but he is right when he says that you are in for a coaster ride of your life. But hey, it's worth the ride, trust me. My ride lasted about 25 months and it is not even close to being a blissful marriage (no such thing anyway).<p>I could tell you that i know what it is like to be lied to and how every bone in your body feels like they will crack. I think the hardest part is not actually finding out about the affair, but the continual lies that follow finding out. When i found out of my h's affair, i just told him that we all are weak at times and i am no better than he and that we can work this out. But of course, like your w, he was consumed with feelings, emotions, everything that he had built up with this woman and he wasn't ready to let her go...so enter the lies! and more lies and more pain.<p>I got myself into a good, fundamental bible-teaching church, prayed a lot, read my bible, and mostly allowed God to change me, my ways, and be a virtuous wife - caring, loving, compassionate, patient, etc. I was raised catholic, went to catholic schools, and not to knock any religion, but i think for me, God didn't want me to be religious, He just wanted a relationship with me - one on one - so that He could teach me Himself his ways. <p>In my opinion, and it's only my opinion, if your wife is still catholic and does not turn away from her sin for you, her daughters and mostly God, then you are truly dealing with a disobedient child of the Lord. I would really recommend inviting your wife to church with your daughters - and if she is opposed to going to a bible-teaching church, go with her to the Catholic church because if i know my God, He can work ANYWHERE. Church is a place of worhip, and for me it can also be a place of conviction...i want to go because i expect the Lord to straighten me out, and i expect myself to listen and obey. I would really recommend taking your family to church and if w doesn't want to go, you go with your daughters or even alone. I went alone for a looonnnggg time, but now h and i go together - miracle! (God Works)<p>I am sorry that she involved your daughters, that is horrible, but hopefully she is really sorry for involving them and will not use them to play in her games anymore.<p>Her not wearing her ring only shows the world that she does not honor the marriage. My h also did not wear his ring for a long time and he used the excuse that the criminals at work (h is a cop) would have more ammo to use against him like, "your wife is a ___________" or "i boinked your wife"... i actually bought that, but really he wasn't wearing it because it bothered ow. <p>I am writing a book so sorry...but just know that your marriage is worth saving, every marriage is. Yours and mine and every marriage that God, yes God, is a witness at!<p>Let me know how you are doing...
Julia

Thanks Julia.
I have offered to take them all to the Catholic church. My youngest daughter is going through first communion classes and I alway's have them Sat. night so I take her there. No luck getting W to go so I may just attend with the girls. I just feel out of place without W and not really knowing or understanding the rituals. I am not overtly religious but one thing I rely on is my higher power (God) to help grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and have the wisdom to know the difference. Right now that prayer is helping me through the pain.
Thanks for the prayers

You have a great deal to contend with right now. <p>I have found out that my husband has been going through Midlife Crisis.
He is coming out of the tunnel now and into the light-I'm waiting on him to talk to me.<p>There HAS been another woman-the affair has ended, I'm sure of it; now I just wait on him to come and talk to me.<p>
This is not easy for me as I know it's not easy for you.<p>It's hard to swallow that your spouse has broken the covenant of marriage.<p>I had some hard decisions to make, knowing the Lord would take care of me, regardless of what I decided to do.<p>I made the decision to stay married after weighing out all the factors-and this was BEFORE I went through some serious fire.<p>But the Lord has been very good to me and carried me through all this, and He is still with me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I watch my husband coming out of the tunnel and coming back to himself and I'm glad to see him, but also know we're not finished yet.<p>I plan A'd him the best I could, making many mistakes along the way-it's hard to be treated like the plague after being so well-loved for so many years, and watch our son (he's 15) get the bulk of my husband's affection, while I got nothing hurt me deep down inside. I was glad, at the same time, that our son wasn't getting the treatment I was getting.<p>Our son was upset though that his dad was treating me like dirt and tried to compensate by hugging me and kissing me on the cheek alot.
I tried to shield him at first, but finally couldn't even do that anymore, he was seeing too much.<p>They are currently out on the road right now(my husband is a trucker) and spending the time with each other they need to.<p>
The fog that Wayward Spouses get into, regardless of whether it's MLC or not, is a deep one, and it seems at times like you can't reach them.<p>They have lucid moments at times, and it can fool you if you're not careful.<p>If you pray, pray hard. Choosing your marriage can walk you through some serious fire. But you will come out a different person-these things have a tendency to change you into someone else.
A stronger, more long-suffering person.<p>You can't control them, but you can control yourself. And above all, take care of yourself, you'll get really sick if you don't.<p>Good luck. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

ScottP,
Don't get scare of 'coaster ride, you understand that you have to let it go already. On top of that you faced addiction before, you know exactly what she is having right now. Addiction to OM !. Those will help you carry through plan A. Let go and concentrate & focus on yourself to fix whatever issue(s) she has w/ your M. This is one thing that you could control. YOU !. Good luck and vent here if you need it.<p>[ December 23, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Scott,<p>I, too, felt out of place at church without my h. I was very sad, but i knew i had to take control of the only life that i could - mine. Not that i went EVERY Sunday, I could have, but i was down in the dumps at times and just didn't want to go through the hassles of people asking me where h is... When they did ask, i was bitter and said, "he's at home".<p>I am praying for you.
Julia

I took the girls to mass this morning and it was nice. I wish my W could have heard the messages. It alway's seems to pertain to what you are going through. I cried a little but think it was a good experience and the girls need religion in their lives now more than ever. I hope tomorrow evening goes well and will just try to hang on and not bring up anymore discussions. Today was just cold when W picked up the kids. Oh well, her loss right [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I don't really feel that way but thought I would lighten up for a moment.<p>Scott

Scott,<p>Lastnight i was talking to my h about your story and he said, "she will come around and realize she really loves her h and family". I know that my h realized, but it doesn't mean that everyone realizes what is best for them. Honestly, i really feel that she will be one of the wayward spouses that does see the "light" and comes home. Don't give up, Scott. When my h said that she will come home, i really had peace about it for whatever reasons that she would. I know that i am getting a little too optimistic, but that is what we need to be. It could take a very long time or it could be a few months, but no matter what the time, let God have it. Keep praying for her, your girls, you... pray WITH your daughters. I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible time in your life... remember that you are not alone and that there is hope.<p>Merry Christmas,
Julia<p>[ December 25, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Believe it or not I managed to not bring up the OM or our relationship during my visit to her mothers house for Christmas Eve. She was distant but polite and we had a nice visit with all the family on her side. Plans held true to form and her and the girls came down as planned and spent the night. It felt awkward as Sara has not stayed here for almost two months. We played a board game with the girls and got them to bed. We then did our annual Santa routine and it was nice. We actually slept together and I felt great comfort, it did not seem like a head game at all and we both felt very close. She can't pretend that and your right, it's not just lust with your spouse. Much more.
The girls woke us up and we had Christmas morning and who could be unhappy with their smiles?? We all four curled back up in bed and fell asleep for two more hours together!
My wife went on about her day, feeling lonely I am sure, but left with a smile on her face and no expectations for where we go from here.
I get the kids for the rest of the day until they go to stay with my parents for a couple days. I feel we both will be lonely for them.
My Christmas prayers were answered and even if it the last time we are ever together as husband and wife and as a family, at least I will have very fond memories and a warm heart.<p>Keep us in your prayers and thanks for your support.<p>Scott

Scott,
You did great!!!! It is so important not to not bring up the A or anything else that will cause her to feel uncomfortable around you. You must do your best to make her feel good around you. Be patiant and keep reading and learning and let her see and hear that you are learning. She needs to see that in you. Keep up the good work.<p>SH

Hi Scott,<p>Awesome!! What a blessed Christmas you had. It is times like these that i know you will never forget, but i am sure your wife felt a sense of security and warmth being with her family. She would have to be one cold woman to put wonderful, beautiful memories like that to the wind, per say. <p>Just when things may seem bleak, that is when God shines his love and blessings and i think your Christmas with your family was evidence of that! Remember, Scott, there is always hope. God is on your side so keep up the relationship with him, He wants more than anything to have a wonderful Father-son relationship with you and He wants to be the reconcilor of this broken marriage. He is faithful and He WILL answer your prayers. <p>If you ever want to subtly bring up the issues at hand with your wife, i would simply tell her, "i am praying for us"... That is convicting enough. <p>I was thinking of your entire marriage with your wife and how you said you had some struggles with alcohol etc. Well, she did not give up on you, that is your greatest asset. Now turn it around on her. Tell her that you appreciate her determination to see you through the hard times that you went through and now it is your turn to wait patiently and fight for the marriage. I am sure she went through some tough times with you, now you are going to do the same for her.<p>God bless you,
Julia

Hi Scott,<p>Maybe I heard it wrong, but the most significant MB statement I heard so far is "If you follow the MB program, either you and your spouse will end up in love with each other or you will end up divorcing but with much less misgivings because you will have known you have done everything you could."<p>The short version of the above is (after enormous pain...)a promise of peace.<p>That was the first hope I have had in years.<p>fwiw,
-Tom

Well I guess that does seem to be part of the secret to discovering peace. I went ahead and got the bankruptcy petition started and maybe having that burden lifted will help. I have asked her to sit down and get down on paper with me what exact division of property, kids, etc..... so in the event of divorce, or extended separation we can split amicably without any further financial damage than we have already occurred. She was happy that I suggested that and said she does not want to "screw" me. She told me she went to OM's house Christmas after leaving me and the kids. Ouch, again. I just asked if it was nice and she said she just felt sorry for them being alone. Whatever.....I will never understand how you can be close to two people in your heart.
I am trying hard to accept that it may be over. It's hard, but life will go on and I may find peace once again.

ScootP,
Actually it is easier to do Plan A once you let it go. I sound that you are at that point soo, focus on Plan A. I have 2 D also, 9 & 12 y/o. Be strong they need you now. Go over plan A you have nothing too lose.

Scott,<p>OUCH is right!! Oh, how i know the PAIN! I am so so so sorry, Scott. All i know is that i went through the same agonizing, trying times but ya know what, there is still hope. I know because my h and i are closer than we have ever been BECAUSE of the hard times. I really hope and pray that God intervenes soon in your wife's heart and soul. He CAN do anything! <p>I took a different approach to the divorce issue when my h spoke of divorce and then filed... I never made it simple for him to divorce me. I was going down fighting, giving God ALL the time he needed to work in his heart. When the divorce papers came, i threw them away and let my h know i did, in a nice way. When the settlement papers came - all i had to do was sign them and the divorce would be final, i never signed them, only threw them away again. We don't have children so it was supposed to be a simple divorce, but i made it hard. You will have to go to court, but i still would not make it easy for her to divorce you. Your marriage is worth a fight. You are Head of the Home...If i were you, i would stand for your Marriage, and hold on tight to what is YOURS, and not his. Someone once told me, "hold on to your marriage with a tenacity"...that is what i did.<p>There are consequences for my h's sin, mine too, but God will make a way, He always does.<p>God bless you,
Julia

I started a new thread here and thought since I linked it to this one I would link this one to it.<p>Confusing yes, but I am confused and need all the suggestions I can get.<p>Thanks folks for any advice in advance.