It is 10 o'clock local time, usually a time of the night when I am still wide awake, W & I both are used to go to sleep late- 12 or 1 am every night, then one of us gets up at 6 with our daughter to get her ready for school (they get in at 7, poor children). When I was my daughter's age (7) my mother caught me several times watching TV or reading at 11 at night so it's nothing new.<P>The last few nights I've been up until almost dawn reading and posting at MB, learning from you and trying to understand what is going on in my life.<P>Tonight she is not here as usual, but she's not with OP but away for a few days with an older couple of close friends/clients (my daughter used to call them "my big friends" when she was 2). They tell her (daughter) stories, play with her, and in this season they always tell her merry tales of Christmas with snow outside and real winters.<P>Her not being in town is somehow a relief; at least knowing that she is not with OP takes a big load off my neck. Although I don't show it when I first meet somebody I am trusting in nature. And about W, you know: you meet this person, get to know her, believe her, have confidence in her and later you trust her. You don't know when you began trusting this person, all you know is that she has never lied to you, that she never fails you intentionally, that is one of the very few of whom you can absolutely be sure. 100%. You trust her not because you love her. You love her not because you trust her. You love her. You trust her.<P>Years ago when we started dating and later when we moved in together, I was jealous because I didn't know her. Today she is out of town and I don't feel jealous because my friends are with her and I do not longer know who is she.<P>Jealousy is a bad adviser; it doesn't leave you one second alone, it doesn't let you sleep, think, work, or function in any other way. I thought that I was never going to feel jealousy again, but I am very jealous when she is with OP, it's a terrible feeling. It is not a terrible pain; the pain was caused for the betrayal, and is still caused by the daily lies.<P>Jealous, when she is with OP I feel jealous of those fingers that can walk her body while mine barely type on the keyboard, jealous of those other eyes that can see her when I can't, eyes that now receive a smile that is no longer mine, jealous even of the unfamiliar pillow that holds her head when she sleeps. But not tonight.<P>This morning daughter & I took W to the airport and spent a happy father & daughter day. She ate a "Happy Meal" at the closest mall while I ate very well for the first time in almost 2 weeks. We did some shopping and later put up the lights outside the house, changed the appearance of the computer and a while ago she fell asleep in my arms, my little angel.<P>Tonight I won't ramble, mumble, rant & rave, wand, babble no more. I'll be asleep sooner that I say good night. It'll be a somewhat peaceful sleep. Tomorrow will be a new day, a new beginning.<P>I hope.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn
