Hi Everyone,<P>I'm just talking out loud here. I don't want to bring anyone down, I say that I'm trying in my marriage but it's so tiring, and I know it's withdrawal talking. I don't feel those in-love feelings and I know it's going to take time but I still feel that I love the OM. I know it's withdrawal as well, I know, and my mind understands, it's my stupid, stubborn heart. I do feel it's opening to my husband and I know it's baby steps, I guess I'm just feeling depressed today.<P>Yesterday started off really good, me and my husband were laughing and doing some xmas shopping. We walked into a store and we saw that lingerie for the holidays, you know that red lingerie with the white fluffy neckline, and I said to him "what do you think?" and he said "you know how I feel about that stuff, it's OK, but I'd rather see you with nothing on anyway", this was besides the point, I was thinking maybe something romantic, you know, sexy to rekindle some things. <P>So whatever, he walked ahead of me and stayed behind to look at some things, when I started walking to catch up to him, I see this guy looking at different lingerie and I said to myself "look at that guy, imagine my husband trying to pick that out for me, he doesn't even care" and I looked again and it was my OM. I said to myself "****, maybe he won't see me", but he did and was really red faced cause of where he was. I said Hi and he said "Oh, I'm not here looking for anything for my wife, I'm just looking, she'd never even wear anything like this", I said "oh, OK " and then I saw his wife and child approaching us and my husband returning back to see where I was. <P>So anyway, we all exchanged hi's and have a merry christmas and left eachother.<P>Needless to say, I felt the rest of my day was down from that point on. I tried to be OK, but I just felt the depression coming over me. Then last night me and my husband got into an argument. I know what your thinking, it was me because of my attitude, but I swear it wasn't. We had his family over last night and he's always different around his family, one of our issues, I swear his family brings out the bad side of him, and I could tell he was uneasy with them and ended up treating me rudely and saying some disrepectful things to me again. I said some things as well back to him and we ended up going to bed not speaking.<P>This morning he apologized and acknowledged that his family gets on his nerves and I apologized too.<P>I'm just feeling depressed about my marriage this morning and I guess I'm just looking to be lifted up again.

Hummingbird,<P>Bummer of a day, huh?<P>Your OM...WHAT A SCHMUCK! Just looking...yeah, right.<P>Hey, I'll write more in a little while. Just wanted to respond, since you sounded so down. Personally I like your H's attitude on the lingerie...more later.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Darned if I'm not having the same feelings as you. I love the OM and no one can tell me different. He's not one of those guys who's pestering me to leave H, in fact he suggested it would be a good idea to cut off contact...didn't want me ever to leave for the wrong reasons. Told me to rekindle what I had with H. Which I'm trying, but I don't know how to explain to H what I want. What I want is what I had with OM. Someone who's attentive, a little sensitive, likes to spend time with me. I look at H and think is this really how I want to spend the rest of my life? With a couch potato who thinks that because we have the rest of our lives together he doesn't need to get excited about doing things with me? I'm playing the comparison game, and H is losing right now. I start counseling tomorrow, (H thinks I'm nuts) so hopefully I'll start getting my head out of my A*@. Hang in there. The withdrawal is agony, but take consolation in knowing it's the only way we can begin to try.

I think I'd rather slap your OM.

Hummingbird,<P>You've come a long way and I have a lot of respect for anyone that looks at their situation and is willing to change how they think in order to change how they feel!<P>One little comment, though. You still seem to have your H "on trial" and if he doesn't measure up to your individual perceptions and interpretations, label these as "failings" or "disappointments"...then you take it one step further by letting the "disappointment" color your further interactions so that a downward spiral begins. <P>It may help if you could see any difference of perception as just that, a difference. Maybe something to be explored, clarified, negotiated...but not labeled just because there is a difference. No one is married to their clone. Thank goodness. I would drive me crazy if I only had my individual strengths and did not have my H's strengths to balance me in our relationship.<P>So just as each individual character trait has a strength and a weakness, each difference we bring into the relationship probibly has two sides also. One side would be dissention and conflict, natural reactions to difference. The other side would be balance and compliment. When someone has something different to bring to a relationship, you can compliment each other and enrich, balance and thereby strengthen and add stability to the relationship. <P>Am I making any sense or is it Monday and I have really lost it?<P>Now back to the lingerie. Boy, you H was in kind of a no win situation and I think he handled it beautifully. He may also be much like my H. Anyway, if he said "buy it, buy it," while foaming at the mouth...you could have taken the attitude that "you" weren't enough. Reread what you wrote. What a beautiful reflection of his feelings about you, and you took it as almost an insult because you had a different opinion.<P>My H likes everything natural and not that I dress, or would dress solely to please him, I try to take his preferences into account. Luckily my job and my small town location make this even easier.<P>I wear little make-up, mostly jeans or casual clothes (I do have a few really nice suits when I need them, so I'm not a bumkin), I don't color my hair (and it is getting to be peppered, so it is going to become more of an issue), in fact there is just nothing processed or high maintainence about my appearance. The "polished" look just does not appeal to my H. Luckily I really don't look my age, so I can get away with it.<P>Anyway, I kind of like that my H doesn't want to "dress me up" or require any props. I think it is kind of sweet.<P>This year I did buy all matching bras and panties with a gift certificate I had and I have to say my H likes them, but I don't think is any more or less attracted to me or aroused when I wear them. Now I'm sidetracked.<P>Ok...point is you asked your H an opinion. He gave you an honest and very sweet answer. You mentally clubed him for it. Be careful about that.<P>OM in the lingerie...please. If he wasn't looking for his wife, it's kind of creepy. He obviously looks outside of himself for stimulation because in my most humble opinion the inside of him is one big black hole spouting forth a bunch of lying deceptive manipulative crap. Who knows what the guy is into really. Not that shopping in the lingerie section means you are nasty, but I would bet he is into porn.<P>OM = YUCK!<P>So you got into an arguement. Ironically we are most likely to argue after we've been with his family, because I don't like him as much around his brother. They fall back into adolecent roles. Anyway, who doesn't argue...although you can both practice techniques so you don't let it esculate and so you actually resolve what you are arguing about rather than just getting at each other.<P>He did apologize and even agree with you.<P>You are doing far better than you may feel. Marriage is always hard work, but I bet in your case it will get much easier.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks everyone for trying to help.<P>FHL,<P>I wanted to tell you that you are right. I just saw the ending of a movie yesterday morning before I left to go shopping with my husband, I wish I knew what the movie was, but a husband and wife are talking and she says: I just want to feel what it's like to be in-love again, I feel as though I don't even remember, it was so long ago and I turn to you and your not there", and the husband says "But I've always been there, always, just because I'm not the best communicator and I have a hard time expressing my feelings and I don't react to situations they want you think I should, doesn't mean that I don't love you, I love you more than anything, your the center of my world".<P>I felt the tears starting to come, I know I do that, it's really hard to reprogram my thinking. Plus I do still have the OM in my head.<P>My OM actually told me today that he was looking for me, looking to see if there was one in my size. <P>Your right about my husband falling back into adolescent roles with his family, him and his sister are like kids, they don't get along at all. I feel the tension there with his family and I hate it.<P>My husband does like the natural look, he doesn't go for all that makeup, and stuff, he actually prefers me in the "natural look". <P>So, FHL, what's the bad side to a man liking a woman to wear that lingerie and get dressed up?

Hummingbird,<BR>Nothing is bad about it. Just as nothing is bad in not wearing lingerie. It is a matter of personal preference. Now of course it can be easier if you both match in your preferences...but no one matches in everything. I bet if you got that little red number, your H would like it, but isn't nice to know he likes you just as much without it? In fact, isn't it nice he doesn't need anything to be attracted to his wife?<P>Now if it makes you feel sexy and your H is not opposed...by all means, go all out! Plus he may like it more than he knows!<P>OM...(please excuse me while I gag). I actually wondered if he was going to say that to you, but didn't want to put that thought in your head if he didn't. He is that pukey predictable. In fact if he didn't say that, I would have been disappointed. Don't you see what a loser he is? Either he is lying to you and was shopping for wife....loser...or just charging his rocks a little in the dept. store...loser...or he was looking for you with his wife and child along....mega loser. This isn't romantic or show his undying love for you. It shows you what of a slim ball punk he really is. Can you get more inappropriate? Just think in a few years that could be you with a kid and he'd be shopping for his new cupcake. Nothing would ever be enough for him because HE IS SUCH A LOSER. There is not a honest or authentic bone in his body. He is all talk, no congruency, no integrity.<P>You on the other hand have shown much character despite the pain you are in.<P>Quick question. Does wife know about an OW...does she know it was you?<P>Quick question<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks FHL,<P>My husband would probably really enjoy it if I modeled one for him! <P>I know it's the withdrawal still tainting alot of my thinking. I still find myself feeling sorry for him and defending him at times. No, his wife doesn't know about me or the affair. <P>He also showed me his hands today, his fists were all cut up and I noticed his wedding band is gone. I said to him "what happened" and he said "really bad night, it just sucks, I'm really unhappy". <P>I didn't pry further but then I felt sorry for him and he left me wondering.

Not your problem. <P>Is he abusive to his wife? Wouldn't surprise me. <P>Do you think it was chance that his fists were cut up and his wedding ring off on the very day his wife saw the two of you in the lingerie dept?<P>Maybe she does know or suspect. Who knows?<P>Another explaination is a picky Christmas tree. My hands, wrists and sometimes my face looks beat up after putting lights on a big fat sharp needled Christmas tree because I layer the lights inside of it. <P>Just a thought.<P>Hey, why are you talking to him and how is that job search or transfer coming?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hey Hummingbird...why not stop by and pick up the lingerie of your choice and just try out your little experiment?<P>Model and just see if your H is ho hum about it when it is on you!<P>Could be a great evening after a rotten yesterday!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13