I found out a week after my mother passed away that my husband had developed a friendship with a woman in another country. I went balistic and told him how hurt I was and how could he do this and so forth. He said he would never choose her over me. That it was just a fun thing and meant nothing. I investigated and found emails, phone records, and pictures of their affair. I told him I was not the kind of woman who would share her man and for him to make a decision and stop the contact. Well, of course it did not stop. We grew further apart, then together, then apart. Mainly because of his dishonesty and my mistrust of him. Well he went away for a few weeks to get away and be with a male friend of his. He got back two days before valentines day. We seemed to be getting along, affectionate with each other. I asked him about his friend and he said he had called her once while he was away,(lie). She also emailed me and said they were not in contact (lie) I found out the truth on President's day. He had talked to her on val. day and didn't even bother to get his [censored] out of bed to get me a card. We went to the movies on Pres. Day. I ran out of my drink and he offered to go refill it for me. Between the lobby and the theatre he called this woman in Sweden. (sick) Since we had decided to work on our relationship I approached him with my knowledge and he decided to lie again. I threw him out. It's been 4 days and I haven't heard from him. We have been married for 12 and a half years and have two young girls.
I realize that my husband is addicted to this woman and she is to him. He would like for me to be his rock while she is his love. I took myself out of the picture so he could figure out if his marriage is worth more to him than this woman he met over the internet. I don't know what he will decide but he can not depend on me anymore. I am able to take care of myself and my daughters. I want to know how I am doing? I love this site. I have read many of the articles and they have been very helpful. I forgot to mention I found out about this approximately four months ago by accident of course and have put up with it and tried to help him through his addiction. I felt this was my only course of action. I love my husband very much and want my marriage but I will not put up with lying and deceit. I told his Swedish chickie the same. Yes, I have communicated with her to try to understand the purpose of their affair. She is married too. Okay so did I do the right thing?<p>[ February 22, 2002: Message edited by: wucus ]<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: wucus ]</p>

Have you read the book 'Surviving an Affair'? While he is out of the house, it would be a good time for you to get a plan in place.<p>If he does come home, what are you going to expect from him? What are your boundaries?<p>I can understand why you kicked him out. Did you do good? If it gives you the peace you need, then yes you did good. But now that you have done it, you need a plan so that you know when to/ or not to take him back. Does he know that you would take him back under a set of conditions? <p>
Are you in Plan A or Plan B? Did you do a Plan A before kicking him out?

wucus,
Welcome to MB. You have to decide if you want to save your M. You have come to the right site if you want to save your M. Please read as much as you can about MB, about EN, LB, LB$, Plan A/B you could follow the link under my signatures.<p>There are three methods that I know of so far and variations of it. First is "Tough Love", read Love must be tough by Dobson ... that is what you just did. Second is DivorceRemedy by Michele or 180 degree/7 steps. The last one is MB. MB is hard but is very safe in term of steps. You decide.<p>Please read the quick guide for BS ... it will at least bring you up to speed on what not to do.<p>Post back for updates and questions ... God Bless you and I am sorry that you have to find this site on such condition. Hang in there, many of us had been in your shoes. God Bless you.<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Thank you so much for your help. I read everyone of the articles connected to your links. very helpful. I emailed the letter from ws to my ws. I don't think he is ready to read it. Yes I did a plan A. But when it didn't work I threw him out. I plan A for a couple of months. Trying very hard to be strong. Praying alot for strength mostly and guidance. Some days I want to beg him to come home but that's when I start praying and it has helped. Thank you so much.

wucus,<p>What do you mean by plan A ?. Being a doormat or nice to H is not plan A. Plan A is addressing the issues that H has in M. Please review your plan A. You still could do plan A from far. Also if she is M, call her H and tell him about it too, and also refer him to this web site. The A has to be brought to day light. If you are not comfi. drop a letter to her H and give him a hint, no return address.<p>God Bless you.<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Dear RedHat:
He came home yesterday and we decided to have a long uninterrupted talk. He told me what he felt he was missing and marriage and I told him what I needed. We then came up with a plan to first stop communication with this woman and to work on our marriage which includes counseling for him individually and as a couple. He kept saying that he would not have a problem communicating with her, (I do not believe that for a minute). And in fact has tried to stop before. He also has the attitude that what if what we do does not work and he gives her up? and that angers me but I calmly told him that there would not be any work and us if she is in the picture. And could not be. I have been very crafty at catching them but I am so tired. Bad things keep happening to him and I am basking in them. When I kicked him out he went to live with a male friend who yesterday accused him of sleeping with his wife! I don't believe he did but I think others recognize skummy behavior and don't want him around. Another couple he stayed with for three week don't want him around anymore because he kept having this woman call him and they told him to get his priorities straight. They see the skum too. If he actually goes through with our plan he has alot of character rebuilding to do. My question is what is the best way to tell this woman goodbye. I told him we should both call her and say it so she sees a united front. We tried the letter thing right before I kicked him out but when I kicked him out she was the first person he called. I had to ask her where he was. He did not even bother calling his kids for a week but was spending money on this woman (calling her) We also discussed what it was he got from this woman and he said she was an ego boost for him. I find that sad if you need someone who does not know you boosting your ego because they have the illusion of you being perfect. What do you think?

wucus,<p>Apperently H starts realizing that A won't work and too painfull. Now it is up to you to put down a term, a term of ammends. You have to help yourself to make sure you feel safe in the relations and at the same time protect your H from his weakness. Do not worry about if he would but only if he could. Read SAA on how affair should be ended, also if you look at the basic concept and Q&A you will see the same concept. Hold your ground and do not give an inch ... it is for the good and future of your M, the road to recovery is very narrow and you do not want false recovery. IMO, send still a no contact letter and also call together if it will help you out.<p>I find that sad if you need someone who does not know you boosting your ego because they have the illusion of you being perfect. What do you think?
Yes, indeed. It is comes out from pop-psychology myth: You need more self-esteem and self-worth. However it is very cheap and easy for you to fill in his EN of admirations. Talk is cheap !!!!. Blow up his head and he will give you his world. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I am glad that everything turn out to be good and OW is not ready to take H.

Dear Redhat:<p>Bad news. Today I stayed home because I had a feeling they would talk and they did. I listened on the other line and heard the whole thing. She has this big plan for him to come there and have children and so forth. It was sickening. He went along with it although he did not say much but a well placed babe and uh huh now and then. I finally had enough and revealed that I was listening. She hung up but my H and I had a very long talk about what he wanted. He expressed alot of anger toward me for past mistakes but could not figure out what he wanted to stay married or what. What he did say was that this was a fantasy for him and he would keep it up as long as it made him feel good. I told him I wanted to keep my marriage but that I would not play a fool for him and that if he could not give up that "life" then that would be it. over. He felt bad and went and bought me a card but I am still hurting. Although he was not saying much on the phone he was not saying "Goodbye" like he said he would. i just see him as a lier and cheat now. I don't know how to get over this. What is my next step. Right now I am not blowing up just being nice. His family came over tonight and I treated them like kings and queens although I wanted to throw up all the time. What to do, what to do?

wucus,<p>Yes, it is bad news. A question for you, does H sound the "aggressive one" or the OW ? from your descriptions it is OW. When A ended, there is a withdrawal phase ... for both, WS or OP. That is why you need to send no contact letter and end the A the proper way. Now you have to be detail in what need to be done to make sure that contact is ended ... even including giving up detail cell bill, accountable on $ up to ¢'s, accountable for time up to the minutes ... I might look like controlling but you might need it. Let your H knows that you need actions not just words or promises, otherwise he should stay out.<p>After no contact letter was send and received, call OW and tell her that you love your H and will fight for your M and if she ties to contact w/ your H again you will tell her husband.<p>W/ In-Laws ... they have nothing to do w/ H's A, be a nice one.<p>BTW, you never answer in about your plan A. It takes two to tango, you have to work on your part too to rebuild your M.

Dear Redhat:
Since I caught them on the phone we have done a great deal of talking. i was able to stay home from work this week just for that purpose. we even went to his website and found two letters from her begging him to call her. i said if you do i want to be there. she was definitely the aggressor. but she met her match in me. lol She sees she cannot pull the wool over my eyes like she did him. and i think he is listening. at least he is trying to be honest. I might have just worn him out. I will not give up my marriage because of a woman over the phone. I will fight. this week has been okay despite my revelations. Thank you. I will keep you posted.

wucus,<p>Thanks for the update ... make sure you are also fighting w/ addressing the issues in your M (plan A) and help H in his withdrawal.

Hi Redhat:<p>Well this week has been a doozy. I told you about the phone call well he has not called her since. She has been sending several desperate emails to their "secret" email site. And she calling on his cell phone and hanging up when I answer. I keep the phone so there was no way she would reach him. Well yesterday, Sunday, she finally got desperate enough to call and ask me if she could talk to him. I let her. (mistake?) Anyway, she asked him a bunch of questions which he gave one word responses probably because I was standing right there and she was sobbing like a freaking fool. She asked him if he was staying with me and if he was leaving me. he answered yes and no he was not leaving me. She asked if she did anything wrong and if he still cared for her. He ****ed up and told her she did nothing wrong and that he still cared for her. Anyway she said she would not contact him anymore. Yeah, right. I had to leave later that day and he got his [censored] on a game site and signed on with a secret name I do not know. They did not talk when he was on but she wrote him an email saying how he made her so happy today and she missed him on playsite(game site) by two minutes and that he could call her anytime even in the middle of the night. Mind you they have never seen each other just spoken on the phone and emailed. But she is so desperately in love with my husband. He has been pretty forthcoming about the email. We have been reading them together and he even let me send one to her from their secret site telling her that he no longer had access to the site and that I was getting her email and that we were working on our marriage and she should stop trying to contact my husband. Oh and that we were putting a block on the phone so that we cannot receive calls from Sweden. Not true about the block. She did not respond today or call. I fully expected her too. Now I am waiting for him to come home so I can ask him about this game site and his new sign in name. I now understand why she felt so hopeful. He signed on in their secret code name!!!!! So she sees the relationship as alive and well. So how should I handle this now. We have had a pretty good week. Been doing lots of talking and doing things together. I still am working on trust. I told him I would leave him in a second if I thought this **** had started up again. Have we properly ended the relationship? I read the article on ending the affairs but it just did not work out that way. I don't know. I am so suspicious of his every move. I have to go to work tommorrow. I am afraid they will talk and she will sob and he will try to hide this from me again. I am so tired. I can't imagine how people stay in Plan A for a long time. This is exhausting. Thanks Redhat.

wucus,<p>Yes, it is a mistake ... NO CONTACT !!!. Ask your H how to protect your feeling and this M. Get your boundries. Hint ... get a keyboard recorder, monitor usage of CC, cut off all online usage for at least 6 months .... anything to ammends you. Talk to H and let him know what is your feeling ... and invite him to solve it. Tell H that you are willing to work on it and help him out but he has to agree some draconian measure for now to protect his weakness.<p>Send OW a no contact letter ... tell OW that is not her fault this happens (blame should not be on her) but for the best H will work on M. Pull the plug on online game !!!, buy H a playstation2 for now !!!. Change phone# to unlisted, change ISP/email addy.<p>Withdrawal clock start again at zero.

wucus,<p>Stay strong. You sound like you're making progress. But also, stay vigilant. <p>Would your husband do the Needs questionnaire? What about reading the books recommended on this site? And the Harley phone counseling?

Bellevue: Thanks. I do think I am making progress. H said he is trying to forget but I keep bringing it up. I ask him if he has contacted her or she him? I try to keep him close as hell. I'm a little tired of him actually. He watches me like a hawk too. We are logging in way more than Harley's recommended 15 hours of togetherness. Way more. lol. He is being extremely nice. Flowers, affection, calls, compliments like we were dating again. Falling back in love. It's pretty good. Wucus

a relationship needs to have a foundation in trust. if you cannot trust him (and i'm not talking about trivial things, there is ALWAYS a bit of mistrust born from jellousy) then you have no place with him. <p>talk with him, and if you do not think you can trust him you need to leave him. it's for the best.<p>Post Script: please please PLEASE learn to use paragraphs

wucus:
"We are logging in way more than Harley's recommended 15 hours of togetherness. Way more. lol. He is being extremely nice. Flowers, affection, calls, compliments like we were dating again. Falling back in love. It's pretty good. Wucus"<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yes!
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Bad News! Found emails, phone calls, etc. H lying to me. Playing both sides of the fence. I am depressed today. WUCUS

so sorry to hear this Wucus....but unfortunately very common.<p>Well now what -- you told him that if you found he had started up again you would throw him out -- so was that a hollow threat?<p>I think this is a circumstance that requires a fast dose of reality -- rather than plan A enabling.

Hey everyone:<p>I feel disgusted really disgusted. What do I have here? I got a keyboard recorder and was able to read his emails and chats with OW. It made me sick. he was talking about me and how he needed to lie to me and told her about 20 "i love you" in the day. I feel like my marriage is over. I can not imagine this man ever touching me again. He sickens me. Can't eat or sleep, just smoke. I need to take care of me and my kids and get this bullcrap out of my life. It is bringing me down. wucus