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Thank you Listener48, I'm glad you took the time to reply to my post. Your practical tips will definitely come in handy. I guess patience is a good thing in this. Sometimes I feel like I want to make things happen faster, but this will be a long process, so I might as well not rush it faster than what is realistic.
<hr></blockquote><p>In all honesty if you try to make this happen fast you will fail. Everything is up to your wife for how fast the recovery may be. One of the most famous sayings on this board is "Two steps forward and One step back". It is more true than you want to believe. Some times it even feels like a leap backwards. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Since you went through the counseling, can you tell me how many sessions you have had? How often did you have to have a session, and over what period of time? I'm guessing that once a week at most initially, and maybe less frequently after that. They are quite expensive so would like to factor that into my budget. It is money well spent, but I want to make sure I can follow it through to the end.
<hr></blockquote><p>I did counselling for about a month and a half before my wife joined me. Then we counselled about two times, she moved out, counselled two more times, she moved back in, counselled for three more months. During that time it was roughly every other week(total of about 6 months). Though like you money was an issue. You are the best judge of how often you need the coaching. Like you I had done alot of reading before coaching with Jennifer. So for me she just kept me on track instead of needing to teach me the concepts. Just to let you know Jennifer is out of the country so her schedule 7,8,9 pm central time. I do not know what Steves is.<p>If you have anymore questions fire away.<p>Just wanted to add in my case it was a guarentee she was going to move out. I was the stereo type male that forgot to make sure the emotional connection was always there. It took her moving out to truely wake me up.<p>[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Listener48 ]</p>

Listener,<p>Thanks for more good advice. I've decided to set up a counseling session sooner rather than later. I finished "Love Busters" and just received HNHN, and SAA books today. I think I will call today to see how soon I can get an hour of counseling. My W leaves town next Thurs. for 1 week, and I want to get things started before then. I guess I will let her know I am doing it, and that she's welcome to join, but based upon yor feedback, I think it will be just fine for the 1st visit even if she doesn't join. I hope to get an appt. before next Thurs., what do you suppose the odds of that are?<p>Thanks again

Any luck on getting your appointment?

Listener, I have an appointment this Thurs. with SH. I'm hoping things will be much more clear after that. Because of the unique situation of the OMM being deceased, I think it makes the Plan B a more difficult issue. I think I really need input from a "coach".<p>My W will be out of town on that day, so she won't be with me, but I think that is probably better initially. She sounded only slightly interested in counseling, probably because she thinks we will try to convince her that she has to give up her love for the OMM. I don't think you can take that away, I guess just make it less important than her loving me.<p>I'll let everyone know how it goes.<p>Thanks for your concern.

How did the coaching go? I hope you got a lot out of your session!

I'll let you know. My appointment is for tomorrow [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

An update on my session with SH today. It went well although I almost didn't have the session because he was 1 1/2 hours late! Fortunately I did get to speak with him.<p>One thing that was confusing to me going in was if Plan B applied in my case since the OM is deceased. He confirmed it wasn't a Plan B situation, but we didn't focus much on what the alternate Plan B would be if needed.<p>He validated many things that I've been thinking, so I'm guessing that means I'm not too confused with the MB principles [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So the action items for me are:
1) Fill out the LB-ers questionaire from HER point of view.
2)Let her know I spoke with SH and he is "Providing me understanding on how I can improve myself in this marriage No Matter what Happens in our marriage"
3) Request her to speak with SH to understand the marriage from her point of view. Offer to set it up for her, or let her make her own arrangements.
4)He agreed that I should write my W a letter explaining that her talking about OM to me hurts me a great deal. I need to request her not to bring him or the A situation up to me, but she should feel free to discuss any other concerns she has with me. I need to really work on the wording to get it right though.<p>So I have some work to do and overall I think it was a good session. I'm hoping my W will agree to speak with him in her own IC soon. If she doesn't then, I will continue with my own IC.

Sounds great. Glad you where able to get in. The only thing that I can suggest is after you write the letter call Steve and let him critique it for you. If you feel we can help you could also post it here.

I think the plan of action SH gave you is an excellent one.<p>Joe

WantToFixIt:<p>Hi! I was skimming this site and noticed your thread. You've taken the time to give me so much support and encouragement with my situation that I just wanted to let you know I'm in your corner.<p>I hope coaching/counseling goes well and you and your wife can get back on the right track soon. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in but you are willing to work at it, and that is what is important. Good luck and take care!

Hi Dj,<p>Thanks for the encouragement [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am optimistic that things will work out and I'm doing all I can to give it the best chance. I'm glad to see you are still around and hope you are getting stronger by the day. Let me know when you get that letter sent! I was starting to worry about you b'cuz you hadn't replied on your main thread lately. Keep everyone posted as you know we are all pulling for you.<p>Thanks again!

Hi! Just thinking about you too and wondering how things are going with the counseling. I hope you are making progress. Don't give up hope and be patient; it takes time!! <p>HNHN is a great book! I read it long ago and think it should be required reading for everyone in a relationship. Take care and good luck!!

dj,<p>I have had one couseling session and just setup a C session for my W. She is ok with it, and she will do it alone for this one. I'm not sure what she really thinks but I'm encouraged that she will at least make the call. I will let everyone know how it goes (if I find out). I have a feeling she is going to want to vent, so I'm as curious as ever to know how it goes. Then I will setup a counseling session after that so Steve will have more insight into our relationship and how to make progress.<p>Thanks for caring [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi!<p>It sounds like you've made some progress!!!<p>I'm glad your W agreed to the call. It is great to hear that she is at least willing to give it a try. That is encouraging and should give you hope!! Communication is important, and even in the form of venting, it is important (especially for a woman)! <p>Good luck and take care! I wish you the best!

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Hi!<p>I just wanted to pop in to say "hello" and was wondering how things are going at your end. I hope you have made some progress. Its late here and I should be asleep, but it looks like one of those "wide awake" nights....<p>Take care! I wish you well!

Hi Dj and all,<p>The progress is slow, but we didn't get to where we are fast either so I'm not expecting overnight success. Today is my W's C session with SH and she did make the appt. with apprehension, so I hope that went well. Should have finished it by now, but I wasn't around so she could have privacy. <p>I have found it difficult to fill out the LB's questionaire from my W's point of view. It is so much easier to fill one out from my point of view. I hope that now she has had a C session that we can start working on this together. <p>Last night we had a direct conversation about some of the issues in our M and she seems very withdrawn, and didn't say anything that gave me much hope. She seems to have given up, but yet she is still around but it feels more like roomates than H & W. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Want2FixIt,<p>It was encouraging to hear that your W had her session with SH. Her making the effort to speak with him is a step in the right direction. I hope it went well. (And, it was great for you to respect her privacy, too. I'm sure she appreciated that.)<p>Even if she was withdrawn during your conversation, it is still a plus that you HAD the conversation. It sounds like you are making a great attempt at keeping the lines of communication open, and that is so very vital. For what it is worth, I'd like to share something similar with you, but am hesitant to tie up your thread. Would it be possible to do an email? If not, that's ok, it was just an idea. I can try to make it short and do it here, if you'd prefer.<p>At any rate, things do progress slowly at times, so don't lose hope just yet. Hopefully you will find a rainbow after the storm, and things will be better than ever! Just don't give up! Take care and remember that you've got my prayers!

Ok I have an update,<p>Yesterday was my W's C session and I guess it went reasonable. I came home and dinner was cooking, which doesn't happen that often anymore. I generally get my own dinner so it was nice to have it prepared. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She can't share anything of substance from her session under SH suggestion. The only think I got out of her was that she needs to fill out the EN's and LB's questionaires. For the IC sessions, we aren't supposed to discuss the details with each other. I guess I need to setup my 2nd session to find out if there's some specific info he now has to work with.<p>Dj, Thaks for your support. You can post what you wanted here or if it's more appropriate start a new thread with my name in it and I will find it ok?

Hi, its me again! Well, if dinner was already cooking, it could be a good sign. (I sure hope so, anyway!) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'll start that new thread soon....<p>Take care!<p>DJ

Hello! Hope your weekend is going well. Just wanted to let you know I posted something under the "Other Topics" section.