My wife just told me she cheated on me 3 times in the last year. She met a friend she has been in daily contact with by cellphone and email at "business" meetings acrosss the country she has gone to. They live on opposite ends of the country and yet they still managed to have an affair and I did not even have a clue. We have four kids (10 - 15) and he has four kids as well.<p>She assures me that it is over and that she thought she was getting what she needed - her emotional needs met. I cannot live with this! She slept with another man on three different occasions. How could she do this? I asked her if she thought about the kids or me when he was with her and she claims she was and felt guilty. She felt so guilty, in fact, that she decided to see him three times.<p>I do not know what to do. I think about it every waking moment. I cannot function at work. I feel like going home and just sleeping to get my energy back but I do not know if that will. We have not been intimate since she told me and I don't think I will ever be able to again. I am afraid that if we ever do again, I will always be reminded of them and it will just never be the same for the rest of my life!<p>She claims that it was a "wake-up call" for our marriage and that she has now had here eyes opened and wants our marriage to work.<p>I don't know if it will. I don't know if I can go on.<p>Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Hello Maian<p>Welcome to MB. You have come to a great sight where many people have already traveled the road on which you now find yourself. Read everything on the site to help you gain an understanding of why affairs happen and how to surve an affair, etc... This will help you to deveolop a plan of action and begin to once again feel in control of your emotions. <p>First, I am sorry for the pain that you feel. Focus on the positive statements that your wife is making. She seems to be saying that she wants to be in the marriage with you. She is saying that the affair is over. You can view this event in your life as a wakeup call and decide to have a better marriage because of what has happened. Begin plan A. Ask your wife to take the EN questionaire with you. Begin working on what you have together and make it better than ever!! This is something that you can do together. In time, your feelings will become less of a roller coaster. Seek counselling seperately and together if possible. Post and vent on this site. I know it feels horrible, but it really does get better. <p>Guardian
Psalm 61<p>Me BS, 39
Her WS, 35 (although no longer W)
3 children 15, 13, 11
In recovery since 5-01

My wife and I have both committed adultry in our marrage, I know that both of us brought our childhoods into our marrage.My adultry lies in the constint pushing away of my love by her. She did not want to make love to me but she found it OK to have sex with two other men(unintentionally of course) The impact of all of this has been devistating. I don,t think that I can love her in the same way that I used to love her. I always think that she is looking and thinking of other men. I know that alot of this comes from childhood trama but how can I get rid of the resentful feelings I have towords her and the two men involved in the affairs. I feel like striking out violently on the two men involved I have even went as far as tracking them down. I feel like I have been used like I have never been used in my whole life. What should I do. I don't really want to get a divorce, there are alot of good qualities about our marrage, but it seems that I always remember the bad, I find it very hard to berlieve that she truely loves me I think it is the security that I provide that she loves.

Maian
Do follow guardians advice about educating yourself on affairs. It helps with understanding how this happened. I'm sorry for the pain you feel but you can only take one day at a time at this stage. Time will heal but it seems like hell for a while. You may want to visit your Dr and get some anti-depressants -they take the low dips out of the roller coaster. Focus on the postitive your wife wants to be with you and it sounds as if she ended the affair with out all the messy business of being caught. Trust me on this one it is a positive. You won't have to watch her grieve for another---that bites. Try to focus on what you both did wrong in the M instead of the A. An A is a symptom of a sick M. You both have to treat the cause of the symptom. The less focused you are on the A the better off you will be because you can drive yourself nuts dwelling on it too much. Good luck and God Bless.

M, Your pain and shock at the A is normal. My H had ended his A long before he told me about it. That is both a blessing and a curse. <p>The best thing I did was find Surviving An Affair, written by Harley; and get my hands on it as soon as possible. There are so many wise souls on this web site who are further down the road who have been in far worse situations and they are very compassionate. You and I are fortunate that our WS A is over and they want to work on the M. Regardless of whether or not you stay in your marriage this is an chance for you to learn how to be a better person, mate, and how you (I know this will be hard to hear...)contributed to the state of your M. I hear and understand your pain and shock. Keep posting and venting. CSue

dear Maian,<p>boy do i know your pain. i felt my life had turned upside down when i discovered my H infidelity. my entire belief system was erased in that one moment and i still have not learned to trust.<p>i did learn thru marriage counseling that i did contribute to the problems in the marriage, but i am not responsible for H's behaviors. YOU are not responsible for your W's decision to have an affair. yes, it is a decision, the spouse can explain it away all he/she wants, but it is a decision. Affair's just don't happen.<p>your marriage can be renewed, and may be even better than before. seek marriage counseling. if she wants the M to work, she'll want to go to counseling. At the very least, make sure you go. You have been wounded beyond belief and you need to take care of yourself. My inclination was to be very selfish (to make him pay for his infidelity) but I learned through counseling that this was the wrong thing to do. Dr. Harley talks about this in his concepts-The Giver & Taker. Rebuilding your marriage is something you have to work on together.