Thanks to all of you that responded. Your responses were helpful to my emotional state. I know that the research says quit your job or relocate. But, Iv'e been trying to sacrifice my emotions, because my husband has a very good job and for financial reasons due to his addiction he needed "that job" to care for us and our 2 children. But, after the continued contact I started to have a change of heart. I will pray about this. Again, Thanks

i am having a hard time dealing with this issue too. my husband has a good job and we just bought our 1st house 7 months ago. i really do not want him to quit but he still works with her.<p>it kills me everyday the thought of him there with her seeing her. he says he only speaks to her if it is work related and he has to. i do believe him but it is so unfair the pain i go through knowing she is still looking at him and thinking about him and that he can so easily do the same. How do BS deal with this? how can a WS who says they want to work on the marriage stand to be in such close contact with what has caused so much pain and damage?<p>m=5yrs
d-day=4-20-02
son=4,daughter=due in june

Hey Heenie,<p>Thanks for your response. I would like to chat with you more. It is good to here from someone who is dealing with the same issue. Whew! The only problem is I'm not sure if I should believe my h because I have busted him so many times. I have become Columbo because I feel like I have to know if he is being truthful. I don't ever want to be deceived by him again. The hurting thing is that I never suspected anything like this from him and because everything appears to be fine I question his honesty because everything was fine in all areas when he was deceiving me. So, basically, he was a cakeman.

ruthteach and heenie,<p>This is my area of need right now. WH tells me one thing and the Columbo work tells me the truth. Irrefutable. How can I let WH know I am aware of his lies w/o giving away my investigative activities? I have such struggles loving him when he looks me in the eye and tells me he has had no contact for certain amt of time and it is a blatant lie! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Anyone been here?

ruthteach and sobroken-<p>read over in recovery, i posted a question-can H and OW still work together and it ever be over?.<p>lots of good thoughts were given. it sounds like it can possibly be done but it will be yet ANOTHER emotional sacrifice we BS have to make. <p>i am hoping in time that my H will decide himself not to subject me or himself to the uneasiness of the work situation and look for another job.
OR she could freak out, or her husband could find out and then maybe she would be out of there. OR people at work could find out and they could ask him or her to quit. as terrible as that sounds i am hoping one of those things happens. i know that God is in control and will take care of the situation some how.<p>have either of you read-Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. if the lies and A are still going on, you might want to take some ideas from this book. i know that if i ever find out that they are friends or EVER went out again i would kick him out!(not for a divorce but so he could realize that i am not going to put up with it and he cannot be a cake eater) he has told me it is over and it is hard enough to deal with this much less if he chose to keep it up.<p>keep investigating! how about counseling? either one of you? maybe the truth would come out there or maybe the counselor would show you how to reveal your findings.

I am so glad to hear from people who are struggling like me. It is hard to discuss this with anyone else. The only people that know about the EA is me, tow, my wh, a sister and my mom. My d-day was in 4/2000. And, since then I have been aggressive with my wh and tow letting them know that I will not knowingly accept their relationship.
However, my wh is working 2 jobs now and time is a factor. They work together at night so while I was at work during the day that gave them plenty of time to lead this double life.<p>However, I do believe that what the Harley's said is true. It is an addiction. And, I should not trust him. Because, we met with our pastor and have had so many battles over this and they continued making contact. He even got my name and my sons names tatooed on his chest after d-day. Yet, continued contact. I have phone records, and taped conversations. Yet, they both lied and continued the contact. But, I have made up my mind that something different has to happen if I discover the contact again too. Otherwise, like I told them the cycle will continue. He has become complacent with the fact that I will just fuss, they'll let it die down, then they'll start it up again. <p>Do you guys think that by publically exposing them the contact would end? Because, they are hell bent on keeping it a secret. One major problem is that they are in a supervisor-employee role so there are some sexual harrassment concerns. By the way that is another thing that bothers me. Whoelse at the job knows? I have been to many functions at his job and I never suspected anyone of being physically attracted to him. He even allowed tow to come to our home and we took a photo together at his job Christmas party.
I know that my WH loves me and he attended to take these demons to the grave with him. But, I still can't believe that he allowed himself to get so emotionally bonded with tow. Since, I have found out he has admitted to other encounters and I dont even think about those. But this EA is heart wrenching. Do yall think you can love 2 people? I always believed that you couldn't. I never suspected my husband because he gave 100%. We go places together all the time, we have the same intereset, the sex was fine, we seldom argued until d-day. We were a total team.
The thing that hurts me the most is that I won't ever look at him the same anymore. I still can't believe he's done this to me and allowed this to happen and kept it from me.

To all of the Columbo's out there. I eventually revealed taped conversations and phone records to expose them of their deception. So, I basically forced them to find other ways of making contact.
I had both of there cell phone records, residential phone records, and taped conversations. They were so accustomed to making contact in these ways. Plus, he has a day job. I think this frustrated tow because I began to cut off all outlets except the job and began to invade her privacy. Therefore, I know that contact has been limited. But, they both know I want no contact and at this point if I learn of continued contact I have to do something different than what I did in the past.

Hey, Heenie
I've been reading your responses in Recoverey. You were right about visiting that post. The people who posted their have been very helpful to me. Although, my husband is aware about how I feel and I'm trying to focus on the positive. I am still feeling the need to cover myself by checking up on my ws and tow. He used to say that I was nagging him and being paranoid, but since I have exposed them so many times he has refrained from using those words.