The phone bill arrived yesterday. It revealed yet another lie about when he last contacted her. SO.......the trust can't even start to be rebuilt when it is continually assaulted by lies. And the forgiveness slips further away when the cover up continues. It was a call made in the end of May, but how do I know there wasn't more calls made from the office? How do I know anything?

We were suppose to go to my H's brother's house for a pool party on the 4th. H's entire extended family will be there. I told him yesterday that I will not be going. I'm not going to go and pretend everything is ok. And when people ask me what's wrong, I'm not going to smile and say "oh, I just have a headache..."- which is true. I have headaches 24/7 now. So I told him that he could take our son and go. He said he wouldn't go without me, but said that he wasn't happy about my decision, because it would make his parents unhappy.
So now I know where his loyalties lie. I decided yesterday, to do like you say, and just not even deal with MIL rightnow. SHe's on hold, indefinitely, until I feel like I have the fortitude to deal with her. I don't see that as being any time soon. I can't take the stress. Yes, I have talked to my H about this. He knows how I feel. Oh, and he didn't tell her that there was another woman. (his stories are ever changing) In March, he told his dad that he had a friend that he talked to a lot, a female, and that I had a problem with that, and was he wrong for having this friend?? His dad told him 'no.' And that I was the one with the problem. (jealousy and insecurity). Dad told mom, and his mom asked him Tuesday eve if our problems had anything to do with his 'friend'. And he said yes.
So now I'm thinking that they must think this whole thing is my fault, and that my jealousy and insecurity is causing all of our problems.
Which really ticks me off.
I have goine by my H's rules in all of this, respecting his wishes not to talk to anyone in our family or state, or that we personally know. And now I'm becoming the bad guy, because I'm keeping his dirty little secret. I'm real close to just calling his mother and telling her the truth. My H said he would leave me if I did that ( he said that about a month ago). But he is unwilling to make this right. He won't straighten things out because he's too concerned for his own feelings and doesn't -obviously doesn't care about mine.
Am I way off here?
I will not take the fall for his selfishness and sin. This is unfair enough in itself. But adding this to it- no way.
I'm really angry about this (can ya' tell??? )

Hi TTGIR,

I think you are right in not going to the family party if you feel uncomfortable.

It sounds like your H is more worried about protecting HIS reputation among his family than he is about protecting YOUR feelings and HIS marriage. And yes, you have a right to be angry about this.

I wouldn't call your MIL and "tell all"... clearly they have already demonstrated that they can't/won't believe what you've said. It sounds as if your in-laws have already decided that their son (your H) can do no wrong. That being the case, I would recommend being civil toward them, but I wouldn't have anything to do with them.

You need to focus on your M and not on your in-laws... actually, it sounds like your H needs to focus more on the M than on his family... This is an issue that HE needs to deal with.

Remember that you and your H are not only dealing with the A, but with all of your individual issues that you each brought with you... Focus on the things that YOU can change, keep going to MC (and if you're not happy with one, then by all means find another!), and try not to LB your H... oh, and I almost forgot... try to remain patient <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I was more fortunate in that my in-laws were 5,000 miles away when we were going through the roughest part... but I can still hear my MIL telling me that it was all my fault. Hang in there... your marriage is worth it.

Take care,
RIF90

I've suceeded in breaking the policy of joint agreement. I sat down at the computer yesterday to type another email to my MIL. I came to the conclusion that the breakdown of our relationship (MIL and I) was/is a direct result of the damage the affair has cause. And my H's unwillingness to be honest with his parents about what we're going through has caused this situation with his parents to deteriorate. I could give up my relationship with MIL and FIL altogether. But it's not fair for me to have to give up relationships to protect his secret. Having to deal with the affair is unfair enough. I didn't choose this course for my life, my H did. And I'm stuck with it. But it is not fair for me to have to give up any relationships because of his choice.
So my intention, when sitting down to write this email to my MIL, was to tell her 'my life story', so she could, perhaps understand me a little better. When I got to the most recent history, I told her about the affair. I gave her a time line. and I asked for her to forgive her son and pray for him and us, and to give their support and encouragement and love, and not ridicule and shame.
AFter I sent it, it hit me that I was going to have to tell my H that I told his parents. I knew he would be angry. He was. His biggest concern was that his entire extended family would know. ( that won't happen) Then it occurred to me, after he left for work, that being angry at me, he might call or reach out to his ex-lover. I called him and asked him to be honest with me if he was going to do something like that. He said he wouldn't reach out to her or anyone.
But how do I know? How can I trust him? He's really angry at me. And I understand why. I have tried to talk to him about telling parents about this affair for weeks, and he has refused to acknowledge my feelings and need for their support for him and me. But now that the affair ruined a relationship, .......this is a really complicated situaiton. Or maybe I have made it that way. I don't know anything anymore. The further we go, the more grim the picture looks. I don't have the strength to keep going. I had contractions all day yesterday, and am having them again this morning. I think I'm going to lose this baby. The baby is what keeps me going.
I can't go back, it's too painful. I hate the present. And I don't know how to go forward.

ABout a month ago, after I found the letter she wrote to him, I wanted to call her and ask her some questions about the relationship (which at that point, he still insisted was just friendship) His cell phone bill shows him calling her on a new cell phone number prior to my request to call her. He dialed her old number, knowing it wouldn't work, and told me that she (1st try) had her phone turned off, and (2nd try) that the phone was disconnected, and that she must have gotten a new number. He denied any knowledge of this action at that time, and said he had no idea what her new number might be. Now that the phone bills are both here, they scream "LIAR!" I understand that this lie was a while ago. But he was still protecting her, and himself, and he lied to me again. He could have made this lie 'right' at any time in the last month. But he didn't. I refuse to believe that wayward spouses are so out of touch with reality that they can't be reasonable about anything. That's a lame excuse for behavior, and it's a crutch. It allows them not to take responsibility for things they have done, and I won't acknwledge that as 'what happend'. We're all adults. None of us are handicapped in any way. There are no excuses.
So I asked him about it.
He got upset with me.
I told him that if there are any more lies lurking around out there, he better come clean about them now, because I don't care how old the lie is, I don't want to discover one more lie.

Now he acts like I barely exsist.

How can I know it's really over?
How can I ever begin to trust him when lies keep surfacing?
How doesn anyone get past this?

Rgae is the only way I can describe what I am feeling at this very moment.
I called the OW. She was reluctant to talk to me at first. But she did.
How many times did you have sex? she said 'about a dozen', he told me 5 or 6.

When did it last happen? she said end of April, he said not after he not after I was pregnent.
Many more lies. My mom just walked in. Will finish later;
But he's a liar

What a horrible day this has been.
To finish my earlier post....
She proceeded (reluctantly, it seemed) to tell me how my H frequently talked about how unhappy he was, how mean and nasty and controlling I was, and how he had only ever really oved 3 people in his life, the other two were before me, and she was the third.
Devistated by her words, I was corgial to her. I didn't figure she had any reason to lie, because she had already lost him. Or so I thought.
After my mom and dad showed up, My H called. He knew I was upset. We exchanged words. He said he did talk to her Friday night on the phone (she told me about this. I asked him this morning if he had any contact with her in the last week. He looked me in the eye and said no) He said she was lying (about all the other stuff), and we'd talk when he got home.
I walked out the back door to my mom, dad, sister (my best friend) and her husband, and I broke down.
They know what's going on.
Of course they all tell me I should leave. "He needs a wake up call".
So what is a girl to do?
H arrived home. My sister stayed to watch my kid. We talked. He denied most of what she said- all the hurtful words she said he spoke against me, and how he told her before they got involved, that he wanted to give it a try before he broke things off with me, to see if it was going to work out for them or not. Because he wasn't going to walk out on me if it wasn't going to work with her. He says he never said that.
Who do I believe?
Does it matter anyhow?

Since he lied to me this morning about the phone call Friday night, how can I be certain of anything he says?

What is the right thing to do?
She has everything to gain by lying and trying to break us up. I have everything to lose. But that sure doesn't feel like much right now.

A leap of faith to trust him and take him at his word....but how many times have I already done that, and how many times do I have to, before I'm a fool?

He said he's going to call her tonight and tell her to stay out of his life for good. SHe told me that he's done this several times in the past, then followed it with such statements as "I'm only doing this 'cause my wife wanted me to." So how can I trust that's not the case this time? How can I know if his heart is right?

I feel like I'm drowning.
All alone.
Nobody to help.
Not even H.

AM I a fool to stay?

I love him. With my whole heart. Even though he's hurt me over and over again. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him so much.

I wish God would just put the answer right out there, where it's real obvious. I'm not hearing a still small voice. And my head is so full of questions and my heart so full of pain, I can't make sense of anything.

Pray for Him to make it obvious, what I should do. And pray for my H to give his heart to Christ.

He told her yesterday that he wasnt nothing to do with her. I will give him one more chance.

Only time will tell.
I feel her 'lies' are indeed half truths, at best. He won't discuss it now, he's at both jobs through today. Maybe tomarrow......
So now, as of July 2, it's over for them. Now his withdrawl can begin.
I hope.

ttgir,
Just wanted you to know that I am still praying for you and your family. I don't have any more advise now excpet for you to focus on you and the unborn child you are carrying. This is more important right now, everything else will now work its course. What you have done by telling your MIL is good in my opinion. I understand how you are feeling when you say that the blame is all pointing at you. You do need support now, you do need to talk with someone who has experience in this and I pray right now that God will send someone to you now so that you don't have to hold this all to yourself. This really helped me when I was in your possision. I did have a close friend that I could talk to about how I was feeling, he didn't have all the answers but he was there to listen and encourage me and that really helps.
I am having trouble using this web site since they changed things but I will try to come back often. For some reason it takes my computer forever to move through this web site and the webmaster is no help yet.

God Bless and remember to continually seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness, then all things will be added unto you.

If I don't come back here because of these web problems you can e-mail me at stillhurts2001@yahoo.com if you need support.

SH

Hi TTGIR,

I just got back from vacation... I'll read your posts and reply later....

Hope you are doing better...

Take care,
RIF90

TTGIR,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much... I hope that you are feeling better by the time you read this.

I never talked with any of my wife's OM... and I don't think that I really would want to. I do think that they would most probably tell the 'truth'... but there would never be any way for me to really KNOW....

You said that you still love your H and for the moment, want to continue to work on your M.... I also think that it was good that you sent the e-mail to your in-laws. As far as your family is concerned... only YOU can decide if you want to continue to work on the marriage or if you want to separate. I'm sure that your family means well, but this is YOUR decision.

Trust takes time and you are learning to trust your H again. Granted, he's making it much harder by not telling you the truth, but remember that it is going to take time for him to become comfortable enough with you to do so.

I know that what you are doing right now is so very hard... but believe me, you are doing a super job. My wife and I still have a few minor "bumps" every now and then, but it will get better as time goes by.

We'll be praying for you. Take care,
RIF90

On July 4th, I thought I would do something nice for my H and wash his truck, as he rarely has time to do that kind of stuff, and I know how much he likes it clean. I got in to move it and there was an old police uniform shirt on the seat. It smelled like a female. He keeps his police bag in his truck, I checked one pocket and found another note from her. It said that she was feeling hurt and betrayed by his wanting to cut all contact with her, and that she knew he wasn't doing it because it was what he wanted, but was doing it only for my. She went on for a short time, stating she was returning all of the things that she had that were his (ie- the shirt) and then closed with 'goodbye forever'.
The images that went through my mind were....well, I won't write them here. But they had everything to do with the police shirt and other stuff.
I was instantly angry. Clearly this was an additional contact he had not told me about. He was sleeping in, coming off of 6 days at both jobs. I waited for him to get up, and we talked. He said she dropped it off to him Monday night after he had told her that he wanted nothing more to do with her. He said he didn't tell me about it, because he wanted time to sit down and show me the letter, and being in both places didn't allow for that. I asked about the shirt, and he said that nothing kinky happend with it, but I still asked him to get rid of it (which he did).
Since then, things are day by day. I have more bad than good it seems. I feel like a failure for this. I feel like if I could just get past this and forgive him, things could get better. He remains committed to making things better, and staying with me. I wonder how people can live with this and be happily married. Ever. My family tells me how strong I am, and how maturely I am dealing with all of this. His family doesn't talk to me much (still- I'm not even gonna go there right now) but inside I feel overwhelmed and scared, and, well, like a little child huddled in a corner, with no one to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Hi TTGIR,

It's a sad fact, but I'm sure that you'll find many more "smoking guns" as you continue to rebuild your M... It does sound like your H is committed to working with you even though it might not seem that way to you right now.

I know that I always thought the "worst" when I'd find out any new information... so I can understand how finding the shirt made you feel.

Your family is right... you are handling all of this very maturely and your H will one day thank you for being so strong.

Hang in there... you are doing great!

Take care,
RIF90

I had an individual counseling session yesterday. we talked about redefining trust. Trust is not...."I believe you will never hurt me" it is needs to be more like "If you do hurt me, I believe that you will stick by me until we work it out". That was what my MC suggested. My trust has been violated so many times in my life by so many people, that redefining it is a good place to start with the healing process.

The last week has been quiet. The cell phone bill has not yet arrived. I do not look forward to it's arrival. I like 'quiet'. There has been no contact since July 2, and no new lies since July 4. It's hard to believe I've gotten through a whole week with nothing new.
Well, that's not entirely true.
He wants to take up with another, larger town's ambulance service to keep his license and skills current, as he may have an opportunity to be on the county ERU (SWAT team) as an EMT. I'm really not ready for him to do this. The local ambulance services are ladden with needy, a-moral people who will stop at nothing to get what they want, especially when there's new blood around. Yes, there are a few decent people, too. But the opportunity for him to betray me again is great. AM I being selfish, asking him not to do this? He may lose an opportunity in his career (the ERU thing). But if he cheats again, .......he loses either way. It could be seen as a major test, and if he fails.........
And if he doesn't.............
I think it's unfair for him to want to do this, first for the opportunity to be exposed to a cheating environment, second- it takes away time from our family, and third, he's the only one who wants this.
No there is no using the POJA here. He's not too good at using that yet.
I don't expect him to give up everything in his life for me, or for us, but I just have a bad feeling about this.
My feelings have never been wrong.
I also get this weird feeling that he won't be present at the birth of this child. I don't know where this comes from. But it's real.
I'm really down lately. I haven't been writing because I don't have the will or the stregnth to do it. My MC says it's not depression, but deep dispair. I asked him several times yesterday, how to get out of the pit of dispair.
I still don't know how.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi TTGIR,

How are you doing this week?

I think that your definition of trust is good. If we define trust as our spouses NEVER hurting us, then we will most definitely be setting ourselves up for failure....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants to take up with another, larger town's ambulance service to keep his license and skills current, .... But the opportunity for him to betray me again is great. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand your anxiety over him taking the new position. I would say that the opportunity for "him to betray me again..." is going to still be there until both you and your H learn ways in which to protect your marriage. You might want to talk with your H about how he can protect your feelings/fears/worries/ if he does take this new job. I would hope that if he is truly wanting to rebuild the marriage that he would at least be willing to do this for you. I don't think that asking him to talk with you about ways that he is going to protect his M in the new job is in any way selfish... In fact, in mho, I think that your H should tell you how he's going to protect and "affair proof" your marriage BEFORE he accepts the job...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think it's unfair for him to want to do this, first for the opportunity to be exposed to a cheating environment, second- it takes away time from our family, and third, he's the only one who wants this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that some occupations have a higher risk for affairs statistically speaking, but I would venture to guess that the "occupation" in and of itself isn't the only factor.... It's important that you both find out the reasons for your H's affair and then work on ways to PREVENT them from ever happening again. The job was just one tiny part of it. I could blame the military for my wife's affairs, but then I would just be laying the 'blame' on something/someone else... I know that this is all so very hard, but please know that it is possible to rebuild your M into one that is more intimate and loving and trusting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't expect him to give up everything in his life for me, or for us, but I just have a bad feeling about this.
My feelings have never been wrong.
I also get this weird feeling that he won't be present at the birth of this child. I don't know where this comes from. But it's real.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm definitely NOT telling you to discount your feelings.... Part of "getting over it" is learning to trust your feelings again after they've been trashed by so many lies. Talk with your H about your feelings... tell him that you are worried about him taking this new job because you're affraid that he will cheat again, then ask him for his help in how to "affair proof" your marriage. As far as being there for the birth of your child... hopefully, he can take some vacation time around your due date... have you asked him to do this yet?

I'm sorry that you've been feeling so down.... it's completely understandable. I hope that your H will talk with you about some ways that he can protect you if he does take this new job... and that he will schedule some vacation time around your due date.

Take care,
RIF90

Just for clarification....the new ems job would be in addition to what he has now- Full time law enforcement,& part time 911 operator. We plan for him to eliminate one of these two positions by the end of the year, and I would do more day care at home to make up the difference. The ems would be in addition to everything else.
And I just don't like the idea. Period.
We talked the other day about reasons for the affair. I just kept my mouth shut and listened. He blames me. I am the reason he slept with someone else. My not meeting his needs made him look elsewhere. That's what he said. I said nothing at the time. Should have. It burned within me for days until Monday when I finally broke my silence. Then he denied ever sayng that. I know there are areas that I haven't done well in. BUt he forgets that he has done a horrible job with my6 needs, and that ultimately led to my not meeting his.
No, I'm not perfect. But he's being completely unresonable and irresponsible.
I'm angry.
I don't know if I can do this.
It would be much easier to live without him than to live with this.
I wrote him another letter yesterday. He can't understand why I don't have good days. (there are days he think's are good for me- it's just a show on my part) So I wrote him a letter explaining why no days are good. He hasn't responded yet, other than to say he has some thinking to do, and we'll talk as soon as there is time (saturday, maybe) I also asked him to redo the EN survey, honestly this time. I think it will look a lot different.
Time will tell.
In the mean while.....
I struggle to get through every day.

My H informed me last night that he took that ems position.
He did the EN survey again, last night. I read through it this morning. It was a lot different that the previous one done the end of May. Much more negative this time.
Things aren't going well. There is a grand canyon between us. We're more distant every day. Partly due to lack of time. That won't change any time in the next 5 months. These are the most critical months. At this rate, we aren't going to make it.
All I want to do is cry.
I'm considering leaving. Mostly to just get away from all the pain. It hurts too much to stay. Not sure where to go. I don't want to stay anywhere in the 100 mile radius of home. And I don't want to be around anyone. And I have very limited financial resources.
I don't know what to do or where to turn.

Hi TTGIR,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down today.... Please know that we are praying for you and your H.

Would you feel comfortable in sharing what was negative about your H's EN survey? Was it negative in the sense that he was totally unsatisfied with certain areas? Did he list any ways that you could meet his ENs?

My wife and I used the EN survey from the MB web site and combined it with one of the exercises from Torn Asunder.... We each filled out the EN survey, then listed ways that we each felt that the other could meet those specific needs... We've been updating our lists every couple of months now.... and yes, our lists have changed slightly from when we first filled them out.

I'm sorry that you and your H aren't spending time together. Have you talked with your H and told him how you feel about the lack of focused time? Initially, my wife didn't want to spend much time with me because all I ever wanted to talk about was the A's.... I started working on ME and decided that if I wanted to spend more time with her, that I was going to have to learn to just enjoy spending time with her without talking about the A's. This was so very hard for me to do at first... eventually, once she was comfortable with spending more time with me, we started talking about the A's.... it took lots of "baby steps" and lots of patience on my part... but now we can discuss anything regarding the A's because my wife has learned to trust my actions and responses again.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling that you have to run away from all of this pain... I've been there and it hurts. Again, you have to decide whether you want to continue to work on your marriage, or if you want to end it. Only YOU can decide that.

You've chosen to work on your M knowing that it was going to be painful.... Nothing that is worthwhile and valuable (Your Marriage, for instance) is ever "easy" or pain free. You are in a battle.... Only you can decide if you want to continue to fight for your marriage or if it's time to cut your losses and flee....

Hang in there.... we'll continue to pray for you and your H....

Semper Fi,
RIF90

The initial EN survey was done the last week of May, before complete disclosure, and before contact with OW had ended. Not sure if that maters. I think partly he was trying to be 'nice', and also he said he was just basing the survey on the last month prior to doing the survey, not our entire marriage.
So when I asked him to do it again, I asked him only to do the evaluation part, based on the last 3 years.
I'll put what he felt in May first, followed by what he says now.
Affection-
In May..."3" or extremely happy/ July..."2"
no sugestions for improvement.
Sexual Fulfillment-
May...2 1/2 / July...1
No sugestions for improvement
Conversation-
May....0/ July....-2
No suggestions. Says in July that this is improving.
Recreation-
May....did not do/ July....0
we do very little recreational stuff together. He never has time.
Suggestion- we need to go camping
Honesty-
May....0/ July..-2
No suggestions.
Physical-
May....3/July....3
No suggestions.
Financial-
May....1 1/2 / July did not do
said we need to talk about this.
Domestic-
May...3/ July...3
Says I do great.
Family-
May...2 1/2 / July...1
Says we'll talk later about this. No suggestions.
Admirarion-
May...-1 / July...-1
Doesn't know what to say for suggestions.

I will be the first to say that sex has been less than good for a long time. Me was a very lazy lover until he got that book on line a few months ago. Him not having any interest in my satisfaction makes it hard for me to maintain the fire and passion all by myself. And emotions have a lot to do with my ability to enjoy sex. Feeling last on his list of priorities for so long....I just didn't care about sex anymore.
Conversation....there is never time to talk.
Recreation...He's too busy to do anything. We never really dated. He was too busy then, too. We've probably gone out to a sit down restaurant 2 dozen times in the last 3 years.
HOnesty...I did withdraw, but don't know that I was dishonest about stuff.
Financial...I think he thinks it's easy to be home and raise kids, that I'm lazy. I have a strong belief in mom being home with kids. WHy have them if you want your career and toys more? I will do with less, and give up my career in a heart beat to be there for my kids 24/7. We both had at home moms. I have a BSN in Nursing. I could have a high paying nursing job. But I really could care less about that. My kids are my focus now. They won't wait.
Admiration... I admired him greatly for the first year we were together. But he let everything else take priority over me. It's hard to admire someone who values you so little.

I know, it sounds loiike I blame him for everything. I suppose I do, in a way. I could have tried harder to make the best of what he gave me, and be thankful for 'that much'. I could have kept a better attitude. I could have done right, despite his actions, and he may have eventually come around. But I didn't, and that;s whre I was wrong. He fails to see how his actions early in our marriage and even going back to our early relationship, made me give up. He just sees my failures and blames me for what he did.
I won't accept that.
Kids are awake now...so I have to go.

So....you're a Marine.....

Hi TTGIR,

Ok... it looks like he's pretty unsatisfied with the way that you were/are meeting his ENs... Did you fill out an EN questionair and rate how he's doing in meeting YOUR needs? If not, then you need to do one as well....

The "next step" is for each of you to sit down and exchange lists. You should try to write down several ways that you will try to meet his need for each area (affection, sexual fullfillment, conversation, recreation, honesty, physical appearance, financial, and domestic support). Once you come up with several "ideas" that YOU think will meet HIS needs, and he comes up with several ideas that HE thinks will meet YOUR needs, then you both need to sit down together and talk about them. Be honest with him if really feel that his idea isn't going to meet your need.... Likewise, he needs to be honest with you and let you know if your idea will meet his need.

Another way to do this is for each of you to rank your EN, then YOU list ways that your H could meet YOUR needs... and your H would list ways that YOU could meet HIS needs.... Regardless of which way you do this, the idea here is to work TOGETHER in coming up with ways to start working on meeting each other's most important EN.... you can just do the top 3, the top 5, or all of them...

Once you've both agreed on the various ways to TRY and meet each other's most important EN... then committ to doing so for at least 30 days.... At the end of 30 days, sit down and go over how well each of you are doing... you might want to adjust your list after getting feedback from your H.

It doesn't sound like you're blaming your H... it just sounds like both of you are in the process of learning how to relate to each other all over again...

Ask him if he will work with you in listing way that you can meet HIS needs...and for way that HE can meet YOUR needs. Ranking the EN is only half the battle...

...actually, I'm a former Marine... went to Parris Island right out of HS then got in Army ROTC in college, but I'm still a Devil Dog at heart.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Big bad blow out with the MD today. H was suppose to have an individual sesison today. He got home from work late (he called and told me he would be late and why <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) but got only 4 hours of sleep before he had to get up and go see the MC. Well, the MC never did show up. He called me at home and asked where H was. I had the two of them hook up by phone. Apparently MC has another office he works out of some days. He failed to tell us this. H and MC got into a heated agruement about the value of time, and who screwed up, and well....now we need to find a new MC.
This prospect is very daunting for me. I really don't want to start over. I'm frustrated and upset about this. But MC didn't tell us about this other office.
Anyway....H is getting involved ikn a case at work (police job) that will require uc work on off days, late in the night, in the town where ow lives. I expressed great concern about this. Tha case needs to be confidential, I'm not suppose to know what I do know. But he will have no way of accounting for his time, and I told him that he's asking an aweful lot of me, and I really don't know how to deal with this. He was supposedly working while he was screwing the ow. How can I trust him? Am I a fool to try? If he screws me over again....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Well, let's just say it won't be pretty.
I told him that I feel like he's asking a whole lot more of me than is fair. Possibly more than I can handle. I don't know how to deal with this.
EN survey... we both did it in may, and I was very explicit about things he could do to better meet my needs (most of my evaluation marks were less than 0.) They are simple things, like a little note now and then, or a foot rub ( I never got one foot or back rub during my entire first pregnancy) -little things, you know. The ones that take a little thought, but very little effort. We've tried to talk it through, about ways we can meet eachother's needs. He can't come up with anything I can do. And when I try, that ain't right, either. I said today.."either they aren't really needs, then, or they aren't that important, if you can't think of ways that they can be met."
I don't know what else to do to get him to say what he needs. He still can't tell me any of the why's of the A. (except that it's my fault for not respecting him enough or talking enough) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
If there was a little smiley banging it's head on the wall, that's the one I would put up!
I'm so discouraged. I feel a great sense of loss, losing our MC. H is willing to go somewhere else, but.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
When does this get easier?

Did you ever find out what the sex of your babies were before they were born? We're sparing over this, now. I want to know, he doesn't. Small, in comparrison to the real problems, I know. Just wondering.

I thought about going into the reserves, but moved from Iowa to where I am now (home) and never looked into it again.