The wife dropped the d-word on me about a month ago, for reasons that were very true. Pretty much just being a horrible husband, not treating her right, not appriciating her, not helping out with our 9 month old like I should. And I fully admitted those things to her, that I had been treating her horribly, but she said that it was too late to change and she wanted out of the marriage. Of course I was devestated, and started looking for other reasons as I knew the ones she listed couldn't be why she wanted to leave me. One day I found her phone and it had a few text messages on it. One of them to her said "I trust your judgement babe, I know you will make the right decision, you are well worth the wait" Of course then I pretty much knew that there was someone else involved. I confronted her about it, she said yes she had feelings for him but it was just emotional, nothing physical had happen or anything. I then got her cell phone bill, and she had been text messaging this guy for quite awhile before I found out, about a month. In 21 days she had sent him 906 text messages. This whole time I have been telling her and showing her that I can change, and am willing to do anything to save this marriage, but she has said no to everything. She is still living at the house, but goes out on the days that I have our daughter. I followed her one night and saw that she did spend the night at this guys house. I confronted her about that as well, she said she slept on the couch and that there were other people there. The next thing to happen was I found another text message on her phone from this guy that said "I can't wait till tomorrow, I am going to rip your panties off and hit it so hard" After reading that one I passed out for a few secs, and left the house for the night. She found out I had read it and tried calling me all night to try and "clear things up" as she put it. She said it was just talk and that still nothing had happen, nothing physical. I want to believe her so bad but I have caught her in countless lies the past month. Also that next night she DID sleep at his house, and also the next night after that. She still says she sleeps on the couch and nothing has happen. Am I blind here? Everyone tells me that they have slept together, but I don't know why I can't accept that? She has already sent in the divorce papers, so I feel that there is nothing left to save in the marriage, but for religious reasons I need to know if she has commited adultery? Any opinions?

Josh, sorry you are here; but you'll find many kind compassionate and "been there" people who will help you through this.<p>Based on what you have said it looks like an affair to me. Her behavior sounds very typical based on what I've read here and Dr. Harley's book. <p>You need to get Surviving An Affair; which you can purchase through this website. The book is cheaper here and they ship cheaper and the delivery is quicker.<p>Regardless of whether or not your marriage survives you will need to process this experience or there won't be the healing you need in order to have a successful relationship with you wife or someone in the future.<p>I am sad that your baby may grow up in a divorced family and I admire that you are willing to do the work to make your marriage work.<p>SAA will help you see what your part was that contributed to the situation you are in.<p>Very important here. "You are not responsible for you wife having the affair". She did that all on her own; however you do have a responsibility for the condition that your marriage was in to allow for an affair to be possible. SAA will take you through this.<p>This is so hard. We all know. Others more experienced and who have worked on MB principles longer will post to you as well. Let us know how you are doing! CSue

Hi, Josh! <p>Sorry to hear of your problems. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It IS clear that she is having an Emotional Affair (EA), and probably a Physical Affair (PA) as well. <p>Now, get ready for the rollercoaster ride of your life! Here's the thing that you need to keep in mind.... An affair is based on deciet, and fantasy. Its' an Infatuation of sorts. It's NOT REAL LOVE!! 9 times out of 10, the A will end! Think about it for a moment.... If YOU had an affair with someone that knew you were married, do you think you could ever trust them to be faithful to you? I mean, if they did it once, they are apt to do it again! <p>Is the other man (OM) married? If so, perhaps you should tell his wife! This is what Dr. Harley advises! What you need to do now is get your W to see that what she is doing is WRONG!! Also, I think it would be prudent for you to contact an attorney. If she knows that you could sue HER for divorce, based on Adultery, she could loose her child custody. Not to mention, EVERYONE would know that she cheated on you! That's public record! I've been there, and done that! My Ex-W lost (even) our community property!<p>I've got more to say, but I've gotta run for now! Understand that there IS HOPE for saving your marriage! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'll get back to you later today! <p>God Bless! <p>HT

HT, I'm glad you've jumped in here. With your expertise and wisdom you're just what Josh needs!!CSue

Thanks for the words Sue, I just ordered that book this morning [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] HT the other man is divorced with a child, his wife was unfaithful to him a year ago if you can believe that. As far as divorcing for adulterey, CA is a no fault state. I have had hope everyday that our marriage can be saved, but I just couldn't take the beating I got everyday of my hopes being dashed, so I have withdrawn from that. I still would try and work things out with her in a heartbeat though, I just try not to tell myself that [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by JoshG:
<strong>Thanks for the words Sue, I just ordered that book this morning [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] HT the other man is divorced with a child, his wife was unfaithful to him a year ago if you can believe that. As far as divorcing for adulterey, CA is a no fault state. I have had hope everyday that our marriage can be saved, but I just couldn't take the beating I got everyday of my hopes being dashed, so I have withdrawn from that. I still would try and work things out with her in a heartbeat though, I just try not to tell myself that [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Josh: <p>You've gotten off to a very good start in that you've ordered the book, "SAA". [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] There is a tremendous amount of information in there that will help you out. <p>Now, one thing you should consider is a good solid Plan A effort. If you haven't read about Plan A yet, you need to! You can find all the info on Plan A on this site. Plan A is NOT something that you will do forever though. Eventually, you may need to follow up with Plan B. (That Too, is on this site.) <p>Plan A is where you become Mr. Wonderful to your Wife. The idea is that you concentrate on making yourself a better husband to her, fulfilling all of her Emotional Needs (EN's). And, at the same time (hopefully) your Wife (W) will see what she is leaving behind for some unrealistic fantasy! That's what her A is all about! FANTASY! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In addition, by doing a good solid Plan A, YOU will feel better about YOU! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You said that you have treated her horribly. Yes? What do you mean? How have you treated her horribly? Please be specific. Also, have you asked her for forgiveness for your treatment of her? If not, you NEED TO! This is essential to attempting to move forward. How did your W and OM meet? What does he do that YOU DON'T? All important questions to ask. <p>BTW, my W has had an EA/PA as well. This happened from April 2001 thru August of 2001. And, even with all my proof, W still won't admit her A! So, don't count on your W admitting it for a long time if at all! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>Josh, I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes it's worse than death! It hurts, it makes you angry and resentful, and it takes a long time to get over. <p>Now, on the bright side, rest assured that this affair will end! Trust me! It WILL END! Well, or at least there's a better than a 95% chance it will end. Those are pretty good odds, don't you agree? The question is, "Will you wait for your W to come back to you?" How much do you love her? What are you willing to do to get her back? Can you be a doormat for awhile? Do you think you can convince her that what she's doing is wrong, and that she should try to make her marriage to you work? <p>I know....Lots of quesions, huh? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] But, all of these questions are important. We can help you, Josh. But, you're gonna need to give us lots of detail on what's happening. Okay? <p>God Bless!<p>HT<p>P.S. Are you guys religious? If so, there's a lot of things your church can do to help. Also, I would HIGHLY suggest you get some counseling from one of the Harley's. Your Wife needs it too!

Josh: <p>Here is some interesting reading for you. This is especially important for you to know about at this particular time. This should help you to understand that you are NOT alone! Just click on the link below: <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940<p>God Bless! <p>HT

Hi Josh,
I'm in your boat also. My W had lied to me so many times that it was very hard to trust her when she said it was EA and not at all PA. I may never know the whole truth. All you can go on are the facts and to determine how likely P contact may have been. My W met OM several times for lunch and conversation about her evil H, namely me. Could thay have gone to hotel or a friend's house? sure but she had limited time because of needing to pick kids up at school. Your W spent night at OM house sp had oppurtunity. <p>But you need to decide if you want to stay married to her. If you do, you need to start your Plan A. If you don't, keep thinking about the PA and it'll eat you up to the point where you'll be sooo angry that reconcilliation will be impossible.

cwmac is soooooooo right. You dwell on PA and you'll be were i'm at. She is home and remorseful
wantingto work on M. I don't know that I want to be M'd to her now. I dwelled a long time on PA &
withdrew totally from her(maybe to far to go back) <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HurtTired:
<strong><p>Josh: <p>You've gotten off to a very good start in that you've ordered the book, "SAA". [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] There is a tremendous amount of information in there that will help you out. <p>Now, one thing you should consider is a good solid Plan A effort. If you haven't read about Plan A yet, you need to! You can find all the info on Plan A on this site. Plan A is NOT something that you will do forever though. Eventually, you may need to follow up with Plan B. (That Too, is on this site.) <p>Plan A is where you become Mr. Wonderful to your Wife. The idea is that you concentrate on making yourself a better husband to her, fulfilling all of her Emotional Needs (EN's). And, at the same time (hopefully) your Wife (W) will see what she is leaving behind for some unrealistic fantasy! That's what her A is all about! FANTASY! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In addition, by doing a good solid Plan A, YOU will feel better about YOU! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You said that you have treated her horribly. Yes? What do you mean? How have you treated her horribly? Please be specific. Also, have you asked her for forgiveness for your treatment of her? If not, you NEED TO! This is essential to attempting to move forward. How did your W and OM meet? What does he do that YOU DON'T? All important questions to ask. <p>BTW, my W has had an EA/PA as well. This happened from April 2001 thru August of 2001. And, even with all my proof, W still won't admit her A! So, don't count on your W admitting it for a long time if at all! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>Josh, I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes it's worse than death! It hurts, it makes you angry and resentful, and it takes a long time to get over. <p>Now, on the bright side, rest assured that this affair will end! Trust me! It WILL END! Well, or at least there's a better than a 95% chance it will end. Those are pretty good odds, don't you agree? The question is, "Will you wait for your W to come back to you?" How much do you love her? What are you willing to do to get her back? Can you be a doormat for awhile? Do you think you can convince her that what she's doing is wrong, and that she should try to make her marriage to you work? <p>I know....Lots of quesions, huh? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] But, all of these questions are important. We can help you, Josh. But, you're gonna need to give us lots of detail on what's happening. Okay? <p>God Bless!<p>HT<p>P.S. Are you guys religious? If so, there's a lot of things your church can do to help. Also, I would HIGHLY suggest you get some counseling from one of the Harley's. Your Wife needs it too!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Okay, Plan A I started right away without even knowing about it, lol. I started trying to be the best husband I could. Doing all the things she listed that I hadn't been doing. Helping around the house, cooking dinner, taking care of our daughter, dishes, laundry, trying to show her that I truly loved her, etc.. I have asked for her forgiveness, and she says she forgives me, but that doesn't change anything she says. We have talked with countless people, all of whom we respected throughout our relationship, the preacher at our church, even went to a counselor for one session. She just got more frustrated though when I did do those things, she said now I was just doing them to try and save the marriage, and that I couldn't change like that permanently. I have been doing those things for the past 3-4 weeks and she finally has admitted that I could change for the better and make it life-long, but that just isn't what she wants anymore. Our first talk where she told me if things didn't change she didn't want to be in this relationship just happened at the beg of May. She already has the divorce papers and actually hasn't sent them in yet, but everything is filled out and ready to go. My wife and this OM actually grew up close together, and went to high school together. They have also been working together for the past 4 years, just recently though on the same team. She says he makes her feel special, important and beautiful, all the things I haven't been doing for her. She is moving out this weekend, to live with her grandparents. I could be a doormat as long as it took to get her to realize the horrible mistake she is making, I just don't know what my next move should be. I haven't read up on plan B, I will though in just a bit. Right now she said she just wants some time to where we don't talk about the whole situation, and that is what I am giving her. It's so hard to try and do that though, cause I think about her almost every sec of the day. One thing I haven't mentioned is that neither of us have hardly any trust for what the other person is saying right now. She doesn't have trust for me because I have lied to her numerous times throughout the relationship, and now I don't trust her because I have caught her in many numerous the past month. That I think is a very key issue, and I told her it would take alot of time to try and earn that trust back, but she says she is not willing to try and do that. Hmm, I think that I all I can think of off the top of my head right now! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

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