My husband did the wrong thing and has tried very hard to rectify the damage but I use it against him at every turn. <P>I cannot go on like this, I want a normal existance, I truly do not want to live each day thinking about this rubbish. He regrets what he did he has said sorry so many times I cannot count, if I do not get a grip on this I will be responsible for my marriage breaking down. Is there anyone out there that can help me divert my attention away from the indiscretion and back to my husband and I's marriage. <P>I need to get rid of the anger that I feel towards him and my so called xfriend. He has taken everything that I have thrown at him since discovery back in March. I have called him everything under the sun, I have thrown temper tantrums, smashed everything at hand and he just keeps taking it. The last episode was Saturday and he said that he can't go on like this. He needs me to get over it or tell him to get out. He said if I cannot get over it he will go as he has no desire to live as we have been. <P>Help me change. I have read Private Lies, and After the Affair but have not been able to get the marriagebuilders book. My husband thinks that by me reading the books that I am keeping things alive in my head. Am I? What do I do to get back on track. I have went to counselling, I have been prescribed Zoloft as I have other major life changing things happen this year also. God help me I cannot see past this thing.<P><P>------------------<BR>Make each day count.

Forevertrue,<P>This may not be what you had in mind, but think about this...<P>Your H apologized? He has regrets? He has given up the OW? He wants to work on fixing your marriage? <P>COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! Read some of the message threads here and you'll hear from people (like me) who would give their right arm to be in your position. My W has done none of those things yet. <P>I', not saying "just get over it" because I know the pain you are in and wouldn't trivialize it. But just understand that you are starting in a position that many of us can't even see on the horizon. <P>Good luck, and God bless you.

My H was like yours...almost immediately remorseful and discontinued the affair.<P>Still I was crushed, devastated and most of all violated. Your pain and anger should not be trivialized.<P>No one knew about the affair and I have kids that would have understood if they overheard anything...so I didn't have a lot of choice but to behave. I didn't want to hurt them or my H's ingetrity in their eyes.<P>One book that did wonders for me was the Choosing to Forgive Workbook by Les Carter and Dr. Minirth. If you search under my name or maybe forgiveness, you can probibly find most of the threads that a few of us who had the book were discussing chapter by chapter.<P>It takes a big person to admit that the problem is their own and the solution must come from them. You will find support here.<P>You have probibly discovered your H can not really alleviate your pain. Forgiveness and healing is a journey I believe the betrayed must go on that journey alone for the most part.<P>Welcome.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I was in your H's place, my H in yours...<P>Now my H is moving out because he <B>could not see past it</B>... and he's confused and sorry about it, but the momentum has begun, he's told people about it, and he sees <B>no other way</B>. Don't let it get to that point! <P>The guilt that I had, and the remorse...it's almost as if it has transfered to my H instead. Now he's the one feeling like crap because our marriage is coming to an end. <P>I don't wish to trivalize your pain either, but I'm gonna tell you to <B>TRY</B> to let this go... even just a little bit!<P>I know that the pain is real, and can be all-encompassing, but you need, you must, find a way to deal with it before it eats you and your marriage alive!<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.<P>~John Lennon

I know what you are going through, there hardly is a day that goes by that I don't think about what my W did and what she put me through. I was betrayed, humiliated, you name it I think I felt it. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do, I think that your anger is just one more thing that your H is going to have to deal with, and it's not right for him to give you the get over it or else ultimatum.<P>But...<P>You do have to learn different ways of expressing that anger. If you can try to talk about what he did and why (calmly).<P>If that don't work take some time to yourself. There are times when I still get extremely angry, when thinking about what my W did. I just tell her I don't want to talk at that time, and bring up what I am feeling when I am more calm. If I don't do that, it almost always degrades into a yelling match (not a good thing)<P>You have a right to angry, and he should feel like dirt for what he did, but you do need to give him a chance.<P>Good luck,<BR>Jason

Hi,<BR>this might not be relevant to you but I sat down and asked myself, honestly, what I really wanted from him. My honest answer was that i wanted him to make it not have happened. Obviously, that can't be done. Since he'd already done everything he possibly could to show his remorse and regret, I had to make a decision on whether I could forgive him, and get one with our lives, or not forgive him, and let him go. Not that I don't have my moments. But it helps to try to realize that the past can't be changed.

Yes, I came to the same conclusion as Barrie. The only acceptable thing was for him not to have done it. Yet he did it. So for me to go on in the marriage I needed to forgive and get past the pain.<P>It works most days. What is my reward? My marriage is better than ever. I feel good about myself and my efforts and my strength. My H respects how I have handled this and is willing to work on emotional needs in our marriage that may have gone unaddressed.<P>It was soooo hard, but it can be done.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank you everyone for responding to my plea for help.<P>I need a strategy to follow to avoid the usual response to situations. I need to stop questioning him for my sake as well as his. I just don't know how to break the vicious circle. I look at him and I still find him very attractive and then I think about him with her and something just blows in my head and I start and just do not stop. <P>He said he wants to take the pain out of my head. He said he wants to fix my heart and he can't. He has no idea of what I need. If you have read my profile you will understand all the other damage that this has caused. All the humilation that I have had to endure and the anxiety that I have went through with my adult kids. I could not even celebrate my 26th wedding anniversary as I felt it was a farce.<P>I need to move on. He insists that it meant nothing and she knew he loved me. WHAT - Love me and have sex with someone that sleeps with anyone. A discrete arrangement that backfired when he dumped her.<P>What type of plan should I be in. <P>Forevertrue.<P>

My situation sounds like yours: a husband who made a terrible mistake, regretted it, and tried to make amends. However, my broken heart would not allow me to cooperate. Read the thread For Those in Recovery. In it, I discuss a book that helped me and a letter that I wrote to my husband that allowed me to get my feelings under control. Without doing this, we would not be where we are today. It was the first thing that truly helped me, but believe me, it made all the difference. Another thing that really put things in perspective was a conversation that I had with someone close to me. At that time, I thought my marriage was over because of the pain and unhappiness I felt. My friend asked me this question: "If you split up, will the pain and unhappiness go away?" Of course, the answer is NO. I would still be in pain, unhappy, and ALONE, without the love of my life. So I decided to stick it out. We are getting things back on track. You can too, but don't let your anger and pain take over your life. It is never a good idea to make a life altering decision when you are under this kind of stress.

Hi Forver,<P>I'm Unseen2's wife. Experiencing his anger and pain as well as owning it has been the singlemost arduous hell I've ever had to deal with even tho I know he "took it easy on me." I know that your H is enduring the same from you. (And we deserve it - for awhile at least)<P>My biggest fear of coming back to my husband was that his anger and resentment would never come to a bearable level. Here we are still together, somehow he has found it in his heart to forgive me. But I don't know that I could have stood it if he hadn't.<P>Even tho I have caused the kind of pain you are dealing with now, I understand its volume, its velocity and its weight. Its no joke and nothing to be taken lightly and dismissed. That's where counselling may help. You need a safe environment in which to purge some of your rage and hurt. Because you are self-aware enough to realize your behavior is a further reason why i feel you would benefit from counselling. Finally, your desire to change and make things work in your marriage also tell me you can continue to benefit. <P>Most of the important info in Dr. Harley's books is highlighted here at this website.<P>Forever, your husband's willingness to try as well as the actions he's already aken are a golden opportunity, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him, even slowly.<P>Khyra

Your opinions have set me thinking more deeply than I have cared to think for such a long time. I have a very retentitive memory and I don't forget things very often. My husband hates that about me. Says it is wonderful in one respect and so painful in another cause he never gets away with anything. Anyway my point is, I remember everything about the period he was overseas. I remember him coming home at Christmas and saying how much he loved me and how I was his soul mate and that he had missed me so much and how lonely he had been without me. I remember all the bad stuff that had happened when he was away and what I was left to deal with on my own. I remember the hardtimes and the good times. I remember feeling something but discounting it as pathetic. I remember telling him that a guy at work had asked me out to dinner and my H getting really angry and telling me to tell the guy to ask him first. I had a gut feeling about something but did not act on it and I am angry at myself for allowing myself to be betrayed.<P>I think before I forgive him, I have to forgive myself. I think my anger is that it happened and I may have been able to prevent it. My husband never wanted to do that trip without me and had badgered me to go but I had just had promotion at work and did not want to give up my job or leave my kids. (Who were 19 and 21 at the time). I think I am persecuting him for my own mistakes and bad decisions as well as his betrayal. He was only meant to be home for two weeks at Christmas but did not want to go back, he stayed home for a month and when it was time to go back he wanted me to go with him. I wish he had had the guts to tell me that he had been with her then. I would not be on this forum today. I would have let him go and would not have looked back. <P>My heart if full of grief, I have lost my dad this year, my son has had a relapse with heroin and I have had more traumas than I care to recount. The discovery of my h's foolishness has came in a year when I am not at my strongest. I know if it had been at any other time I would have handled it all so differently.<P>I have very good friends and my young ones are just adorable and very supportive of me. They are very disappointed in their dad and have told him so. <P>What to do now is my only question.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Make each day count.

Re:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am angry at myself for allowing myself to be betrayed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>You</B> carry no responsibility for the betrayal. For the problems in your marriage, yes, but for the infidelity, your H is 100% responsible.<P>As far as what you should do now... seek counseling for your anger... you need a safe place to vent so that you can allow the love to come back in.

Forevertrue,<P>You have had a really rough year, of that there is no doubt. Further, you understand what you are currently doing to your marriage, which is both good news (you can understand what needs to be done) and bad news (you see what is actually happening). After reading this thread and you profile, I am not sure I have anything to offer that would compare to what people here have already posted, but I have a few observations that might help you view this whole thing in a sligthly different light.<P>First, It seems to me that you are being used by your H's relative for their personal revenge. <P>Second, you are punishing yourself for your thoughts at the time he left. (By this you said if he had told you of the tryst, you would have left him and of course you chose your job over going with him). <P>Third, you are failing to see something that many here would love to have. Your H loves you and has no contact with OW. From you profile this no contact has been for several years. <P>Finally, you are being forced to really consider whether you want to be married to your H. Something I suspect you were considering before he left for this job, but did not want to face.<P>Considering the first observation. Are your really angry at relative and taking it out on H because of the way information was spread and you were the last to know? You H did not do this, you know. People tend to be angry at those closest to them although they may not be the real cause of the pain. Are you willing to give this relative so much power over your life and future?<P>Here is a difficult one. There is no excuse of H's affair so read what I say with that in mind. You have stated that had you gone with him this would not have happened. From the sounds of things this is a true statement. You cannot undue it any more than H can undue the affair. However, please consider how your H felt when you would not go with him and chose your job over him. He understood I am sure, but he was hurt. Getting angry at H does not change either of your roles in life. I won't claim he acted out of anger, but he probably acted out of hurt. Aren't you doing the same thing? Acting out of hurt. Please consider that you have hurt each other (don't get into who hurt who most) and consider that you both are in great pain for what you/he did and did not do.<P>As several have stated on this thread, you are in a much better situation than many on this board. Your H is home, loves you, endures you abuse (yes it is abuse), and is very remorseful. What can he do? What can you do? There is only two options: end the marriage or forgive each other and get on with the process of healing. As also stated this process is an individual thing. You the hurt and loss of trust. Him the guilt and lost of not only your respect but that of his children.<P>Finally, are you angry because his affair not only embarrassed you in front of family and friends (courtesy of the relative), but because it is forcing you thing of your role in the state of the marriage and you are not really happy with what you see. Therefore, you are angry with him for this as well.<P>In summary, you do have many legitimate reasons to be angry. However, you also had a role to play in the state of the marriage and from your statements it is clear that your H did in fact love you always. But he failed at his vows. Are you failing at your vows as well? <P>Please consider the suggestions made by many on this thread. As you know, if you don't change you will have given the relative the ultimate revenge. H will be hated by you, his children, and he will have lost his family. You are the instrument of that revenge. You and your H must forgive each other and decide (Yes DECIDE) to do things better. Your anger, while justified, must find another outlet.<P>I realize that I have rambled, and I hope that some of what I wanted to convey came through. You have it in your power to make the marriage better than ever. Please follow some of the advice here.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You<P>JL

Dear Just Learning<P>Thank you for your response to my post. It appears that you know me better than myself. When I read your response to me I just cried my eyes out as everything you said was so true. It was as if you were inside my heart and head when you responded. I have just called my husband and told him how much I love him and how sorry I am for what I have been putting him through and he said that he would do anything to fix the damage he had done to me and that he understood how angry I have been and he said I was justified to feel the way I felt but he was glad that I was going to try and work harder on our relationship. I said I did not want to lose him and he said that he would do everything to ensure that would not happen. So Just Learning, thank you for your insight. Everyone that responded to me helped to put some logic back into my thinking. I will keep you updated regarding my progress, this has been one h**luva year. I think I will survive.<P>FET <P>------------------<BR>Make each day count.

I really do not think that I will be able to compete with the wonderful words of wisdom you have received here.....really good stuff!<P>I will tell you that I can relate to how you are feeling. I so much wanted to punish my husband for his affair, but I had to stop myself. For what I ws doing was sabotaging exactly what I wanted most in this world, to be married to him, and more importantly, to be happy. I knew I wanted him to hurt like I had been hurt,but I knew that I could never hurt him like I was. We are two different people and no two people hurt in the same way.<P>What everyone is telling you is true, he is there for you, he is sorry, he loves you and he wants to make it better. And you do too, that is why you are here. I found some good books on forgiveness...both by Lewis B. Smedes: "Forgive: Healing the hurts we don't deserve" and "The Art of Forgiving: When you need to forgive and don't know how".<P>Both of these are well worth the read, and the author states tht the best reason to forgive is to heal yourself! He says that you can forgive another person with them NEVER knowing it, and it can be a tremendous source of healing for you. He aslo says that when you do not forgive, and yo carry around anger and resentment, it poisions you and all your future relationships. <P>You deserve to be happy, and your husbands needs you. Do your soul a favor, and live and love again. "Love liek you've never been hurt"....good words to live by.<BR>Lots of luck and God bless!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

I read somewhere that there is only so much room in your heart for love and that space can be taken up by hate/anger. <P>By eliminating the hate/anger you will be able to love your H again.<P>I agree with those recommending counseling. It can do nothing but help you.<P>God Bless!

FET,<P>I am glad that I could help in some small way. It is what makes coming to this board worthwhile. By the way, you know yourself very well. All that I saw was in your posts and profile. You've had a hard year, but your posts shows a very strong woman who does understand herself very well.<P>You will do well I am sure. If you give your H half a chance, he'll go to the ends of the earth for you. Have a good night, and I look forward to hearing how this whole thing is starting to turn around.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL