Hi me again,

could someone please explain to me how I paste a hyperlink to this article above...

Hi Liza,
I did it once. I hope I'm telling you correctly

Copy the address from the address line. Click on the URL button below and paste the http address between the coding.
I hope this is correct????

Hi,
How is it going? Anytime you get tired of a Porche, let me know, I will be glad to take it off your hands LOL.

Hi Sue and everybody,

wanna hear a GREAT THING:
Today I said "I AM HAPPY" for the first time since d-day (almost 2 months ago).

Yesterday our toddler was baptized and we had a wonderful party with our friends (most of whom know about H's A and support us with all their good wishes and friendship). It was a perfect day. My H and I felt so close to each other again, it was great, great, great!

Today he had dinner with me at my work. I was very busy but the moments we spend together were filled with true happiness and love.

I am getting less flashbacks. They are still very painful, but my husband holds me and with endless patience and love comforts me.

We have found each other again, after almost loosing each other forever. There is a new feeling of the value of our love, new appreciation for the gift that every day is that we can be together.

I wanted to write this for all of you who are in the darkest hours of their lives now. Those who doubt that there can be real happiness again. I was like that a few weeks ago and you here gave me hope. Thank you so much for everything that you have done for me, for your kind words, your advice and -just- for being there.

Hi Liza,

I'm happy for you. I hope some day I can report that I am this happy. I keep trying, mostly for the kids. Maybe, someday I can feel love for him like i used to.

Liza,

I'm glad to hear you had a really happy day. You will have more and more of them. The bad thoughts will become less painful when they leap out at you.

I really believe that is what this forum if for -- supporting each other when you are really having a bad time. I know that lots of people were there for me at the beginning when I really needed it most. It has also helped me to help others -- for some reason it is much easier to see another's situation clearly.

Glad that things are going well.

FHO

Hi Liza,

thought of you yesterday. Didn't know if you work or live near ground zero.

In my area, flags were up all over the place. I don't think patriotism was ever dead, but it has shown a renewed strength since this tragic event.

Hi,

yes, I work in Manhattan and I saw the WTC burning. It was a horrible day, where I was afraid for my life. We could hear the fighter jets fly very low over the river and on that day we did not know if they would have to shoot down a passenger plane to protect us.

In the afternoon of Sept 11, 2001 I went to help in our Emergency Room, everything was set up after the disaster plan with many stretchers waiting. But there was not a single patient there. That's when the realization hit me that there were no survivors after the towers fell.

In the evening of that day I was standing on the roof of the hospital looking over the city to the south. It was a beautiful sunset over New Jersey that bathed the city in a pink and golden light. There was a warm wind form the west blowing the huge grey cloud of dust and smoke out to sea. The towers were gone. I stood there for a long time and thought of all the people that had died on that one day.

Yesterday I did not want to go to any memorial services. We thought about going to the concert in Central Park, but I felt that I could not deal with it at this time. Everytime I saw a picture or film of the towers burning I started to have tears rolling down my face because it brings back the memory of that horrible day and all that fear and sadness.

Instead my H came into the city and after work we had a wonderful dinner in our favorite restaurant in midtown. Then we walked through the Park to Lincoln Center and up Broadway. When I got to the restaurant he had bought me a rose. I couldn't believe it. That had never happened before and very happy I carried my rose around NYC.

Hi you all,

I wrote this post for Biscayne's question: Who is more important to you, your children or your spouse? But then I thought it really also belongs here in my story, because it shows so well how my feelings for my H are now.

"For me my husband is the person I love most in this world.

I love my children very very much, too, but somehow the love for them is different. They are so small that they need protection, care and unconditional love. But they have not yet developed their full personalities. To see them grow up and develop their personalities is one of the greatest joys in life.

I love my husband as the person that he is. He has so many fascinating sides, there is so much to love.

He is the center of my world. The one person who "holds" my life and happiness in his hands. He is my best friend, he is the one who knows my most secret thoughts.

When I met him I wanted nothing in this world more, than to be with him. I changed my whole life for him (moved from another country, changed careers, left friends, family and relationship of 10 years).

I have never loved anybody as much as I love him. I always wanted to make him happy and to let him feel that I love him with all my heart.

After his A, when he told me about it and wanted to rebuild our life, I stopped loving him for some time. But now I feel my love for him return, deeper and with appreciation for every day that we can be with each other. I have always loved him, even when he was difficult due to his severe depression.

Now I love him for his patience and - most of all - for his kindness in the last two months since d-day. We laugh together and cry together. He holds me and comforts me. He has rebuild so much of our life together.

I love him more than anything in this world.

Iceprincess,

What a beautiful expression of love. I hope you share it with your H.

I am really happy for you and your H.

FHO

Iceprincess,

What a beautiful expression of love. I hope you share it with your H.

I am really happy for you and your H.

FHO

Hi Liza,

WOW - I felt weepy over your last post. It was beautiful.

While I was reading your post about 9/11, I recalled a conversation I had with a friend. he told me that he was in NY for a friends wedding a few months back (pre 9/11/01);a few months later, September of 2001, he called the guys home, got his wife. He was in the building when it collapsed. I thought the poor man, and wife. They had only just started their lives together.

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Dear friends:

maybe I should move over to the recovery forum where people write all the time about good days and bad, about rollercoaster relatioships, ongoing pain, repeated betrayals...

Yesterday was an extremely bad day. For the first time I had a dream about H and A. I was shouting at him in my dream: "You are a lier and now you are lying to me again". I hit him in the face in my dream.

I woke up yesterday morning all confused and scared. I told him about the dream and he tried to assure me that he wasn't doing anything in terms of contact with OW, that he loves me and wants to build our life every day.

All day yesterday I carried this doubt and pain with me. In the evening I couldn't take it anymore and I really LB'ed. I accused him of having made my life hell and I told him that I did not want to live like this anymore. I really felt that I wanted to get out of this marriage to protect myself.

I rather be alone by myself than to build all this with him to have it shattered with his next A. Some days I love him so much that it scares me, because it means that he has the power to hurt me again.

He tries to convince me that I should give him a second chance now, but I told him that he deliberately destroyed the first chance he had, when he promised to me before God that he would be faithful. He broke that sacred promise, why should I believe anything he says now?

I feel that my view of the A and my H is changing. At first I was in total shock and I just wanted to hear his apologies and affirmations of love all the time. Now I start seeing him with his real personality, that he chose to have this A. I cannot love him when I see this.

He may have been depressed, but I feel so strongly now that that does not excuse having an A, while your loving wife is there for you every day, trying to make you happy, showing her love, trying to help overcoming the depression. He has rejected my love so many times in the past, why does he say now it is the center of his life and he cannot live without me?

He is changing now, too. Yesterday he got very angry with me and started fighting back. Before he had always listened to me and tried to comfort me, assure me of his love. Yesterday he was furious and I was scared of his rage. He says he did nothing wrong during the day yesterday, that he comes home after work and wants to be with me and then I start attacking him like this. He feels that he doesn't deserve this treatment.

I am so tired of this whole mess. What are the chances that he will do this again? Many married couples never have to deal with this. I feel it is a personality issue. You do it once, your chance to do it again is skyrocketing high in my opinion. How do you wonderful people feel about this?

Thank you for listening to me.
I'm so very sad today...

There is always a chance it will happen again, but you can't control that. You can only love him, show him you are the woman he wants and needs, and most importantly, allow him to LOVE YOU.

If you do those things, and he cheats again, then you will know you are not the cause. You will know he simply could not find satisfaction with you.

However, after reading your thread, which covers just about the same amount of time as my situation, I must say I am envious. Your spouse is doing so much to be there for you, to attone for his behavior and to be the man you want him to be. I'm not saying you don't have the right to feel anger and resentment, but you must find a way to accept what has happened as something in the past. Your anger and resentment will be a hang-up to your recovering a healthy, happy marriage.

Keep talking to him. Stick to the principles you have established in your marriage. Treat him as you would have him treat you. Forgive.

It's not easy, but believe me, I'd trade places with you in a heart-beat. You are in recovery, and that don't suck.

Hi Liza,

I'm sorry you had that bad dream. Recently I talked to a friend, who found out her H cheated on her before they got M. She was about 7 or 8 months pregnant, they were due to be married in about a month. She was having symptoms that are associated with a STD. She went to the Dr, and sure enough, she received a positive test result. I remember her comimg back to work, all upset, she was so upset she was vomiting. She didnt' know what to do. She had one child already from a prior boyfriend, the man she was about to marry cheated on her, and another baby on the way. She was wondering, how was she going to make ends meet? What was she going to do. She decided to go ahead with the wedding and hope it never repeated itself. That was 10 years ago. It never happened again. She told me that the first few years afterwards, she was always worried, suspicious. When she was very anxious, she would talk calmy about it, but most of the time she kept it to herself or talked to friends. She did what she had to do to check up on him without him knowing to either confirm or deny her suspicions. Her suspicions were based from the first and only occurance of the A. She never found any proof, as time went on, she grew less suspicious and now she trusts him totally.

I hope this helps. Otherwise, unfortunately, I dont' have much to offer except that even when things look good, you will have moments of distrust. Being betrayed is a very traumatic experience. I don't recall where I heard this, but I heard the shock of an A, is equivalent to the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that war vets experience.

I am moved by your posts. They have helped me understand and accept the feelings I had when I discovered I was betrayed.

He lied to me when I trusted him completely. I felt like I was living with a stranger. Did I still love him? At times I did, but at times I was afriad to love him because I wasn't sure who he really was. So I told him that.

I told him if he continued to lie to me, he better realize he'll be living with a woman who does NOT love him. I would NEVER love a man that would lie to me or hurt me. So, if he's lying to me, HE KNOWS I don't really love him at all, I only love the man he's pretending to be.

I also told him if he's honest with me, I know he respects me. Iceprincess, if you ask for honesty please try not to punish your H for it. Your H needs to trust you enough to be honest.

As for forgiveness. I believe in promises and vows, but I don't believe in forgiveness. What he did was not ok, so it cannot be forgiven. But, I won't hold onto the pain because I didn't cause the pain. He's working to help me rebuild my trust in him. I deal with it by looking at the present and the future because that's where we'll be living. Every man has a past, at least we know our men's past.

I think the future is what's in a man's nature. My man is a SA, but his nature is to be honest and faithful. HE is working on building what's in his nature. I am supportive of that and I'm finally enjoying the results. My advice is this, from what you know to be true about him, what is his nature? If it is to be a good man and a faithful H, maybe it's worth working with him to find his way back to who he really is.

Dear MB friends:

thank you to all those of you who have the patience to read on page 6 of this (unfortunately "my") story.

I guess this shows how long 2 1/2 months can be. And that the thoughts of the A have been with me for this long.

My H is trying really hard to rebuild our life. He shows his love every day and is kind and patient. He says he does not expect me to trust him now but that he will work to regain my trust eventually and that I should just give him the chance to show me.

I am getting very sad about all that has happened. Somehow I feel in the beginning it was the biggest shock of my life. Then I wanted to fight to become the "perfect" wife so that he would have no intentions to continue the A (he says he had absolutely no contact since d-day). Now I am totally exhausted from all this emotional turmoil.

I am so sad that I can hardly drive in my car without crying. I have to drive 25 miles each way to work and during this time alone I have the worst flash backs and thoughts about the A.

In the beginning it hurt too much to see my H as the person who pursued this A. Now I realize more and more that it was his choice to betray me and it withdraws so many love units from his account that there are times when my love bank is empty.

Then it happens that he does something nice like a phone call or a loving email and some of my love for him returns.

Have you felt as well that you go through stages after you learn about your spouse's betrayal? I know that in psychology there is this theory that after a traumatic experience you go through these stages:

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Acceptance

Maybe there was one or two more that I can't remember right now. Right now I am going through the phase where the A hits you as real. Something that has changed everything in your life.

I did not want to talk to a counsellor but right now I am getting so depressed that I think I'll have to.

Thanks for reading this long post.
Blessings to all of you.

Hi Liza,

If you think a counselor would help, then please for yourself do it. He or she can help you sort through all of the emotional ups and downs.

Unfortunately, the roller coaster rides goes on for a while. It varies from person to person. These things take time.

Ice Princess,

I read parts of your thread (1st page and last 2 pages - sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). I can see where you have grown and I am glad that you and your H are in a better recovery mode.

Don't despair about the down days. Just know they will come. It is part of recovery (unfortunately). The nightmares will subside but you will still have them for a while. Your recovery is quite fresh so know this but don't beat yourself up over it.

I post because you said something that caught my eye about the stages of recovery. Last year in my momments of despair 2 very wise MBers on the d/d site posted to me about the 5 stages of grieving. If you can look up Redhat's thread you will find it in his signature line. Those words from them really helped me understand where I was and what was ahead for me. That way when those times of depression did come along with the anger, I was somewhat prepared. Still angry but at least I knew where and why I felt that way.

Hope you feel better soon.

take care,
L.

Dear MB friends:

something horrible has happened. I don't even know where to start...

I was feeling very sad for some days and then yesterday I really started wondering why I had not gotten our EZ pass bill. I received every statement, bill etc that we get every month, only the EZ pass bill was missing. During the last month I asked my H many times if he had seen it.

It shows the times and where he went that night when he went to her apartment to sleep with her and was interrupted by her boyfriend when they were kissing on the sofa (how disgusting to even write this... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ).

He told me repeatedly this month and then yesterday looking me straight in the eyes: "No, I have not seen it."

I called the company and asked for a duplicate bill. They told me the statement had been sent out on 8/26. Knowing that I confronted H again in the PM, saying that nobody except him had any reason to hide this bill from me. After lying some more for a while he finally admitted hiding the bill from me "to protect me".

I was crushed. Somehow I had known that he took it but to lie like that looking into my eyes...
It shows me that I cannot trust him at all.

I asked then what else is on that bill that he did not want me to see. He knew I am getting the duplicate so he had to tell the truth now. It turns out after the boyfriend interrupted them, there is a 45 min time period where H now says he was parked at a gas station not knowing what to do.

This is the first time he is telling me about this unaccounted time. Never before in his story of the events had he mentioned this. Am I going crazy or does this also not make any sense to anyone of you?????

I feel he is lying. It hurts me more than I can describe in words...

Where do I go from here? Please help me with your wisdom and experience. I am so thankful for any of your thoughts on this.

- Devastated