I know how my husband is... He doesn't get into these situations on purpose, but there we are. I think he meets women by just being himself- friendly, outgoing, and helpful.

Right now I just know something is going on. I'm pretty sure. He is erasing his cell phone caller id, which he only does when he is hiding. He is moody (glad that it stresses him to hide so much from me). He is working late. I am pretty sure he took our two year old son to meet her. But my son is too young to say anything!! And this week, he has received a call every night which he says is his new boss. They talk about nothing for a minute, then he says i'll talk to you later. Well, the boss has a gruffy old man voice and i am pretty sure that i heard sweet female. So far it has happened four times (that I know of) around 8:30pm. And he is calling her too. He sneaks off saying he is going outside to smoke or something. There are other things too. I don't know her name, but I am pretty sure I know her (unlisted) number. I caught the phone once before he erased it. I called the number from a payphone and her message says "I'm not home right now..."

He knows I suspect. But I really have no proof. He denies it all, says it's all my imagination. I've heard it all before. Yes, we've been through this before. He never admits anything. My gut says that he needs a lot of sex and admiration that he doesn't think he's getting at home. He also has a low self esteem. And if I fuss about anything (like would you take out the garbage), then he thinks I am putting him down. Oh but if I don't remind him to do something or if he just goofed up on something (happens regularly like forgot to take out the garbage after I remind him), then he is a failure and why do I want to be with him anyway. He just forgets. I do aggravated about things, but it's nearly constant. Yes, I deal with the good and the bad of his day. He does have his good moments. And when he is "on", he is terrific so I try to point that out too. I usually just wish he'd get on the ball, but this is the way he has lived his unmotivated life so far and I'm watching him slowly change, slowly take intiative to get what he wants out of life. Meanwhile, we deal with it.

This girl probably gave him positive attention when he was feeling low one day and now he's getting deeper and deeper involved. I'm not saying it has gone physical with them, but it is coming between us. I think he means to be faithful to me, but enjoys the attention and the positive strokes.

Even if he got what he wanted at home, he wouldn't know how to "break up" because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. (He has always just walked away from previous relationships with no explanations.) I think she is causing him some undue stress though by calling while he is with me. He may have the guts to put a stop to that part.

He won't listen to anything I say straight out. Maybe I can feed him pointers on how to "break up" with her without him knowing. Like say I saw this episode on tv where this person did blah blah blah. I'm also going to try to Plan A. That's gonna be tough. I know in my heart, I don't need more proof. I'd love for him to just wake up and remember why it is that we are married and together and that it is forever. I just don't know what to do.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you had to wait for a reply.

I do think plan A is the way to go. I know it sounds difficult because your H's behaviour has been an emotional drain. He also may not respond as you'd hope right away if he's in the fog and distracted by OW.

I'm confused by something in your post. You say your H doesn't know how to break this off. How do you know that? You also indicated that he's just broken off his past affairs without difficulty. What makes you feel this one is different? I'm not asking because I think I can help you end it for him. It just seems to be a part of this situation that you feel resposible for. I'd never suggest not helping an affair end, but please don't think you are to blame if you can't help him end it.

this week, i tried to not really confront him about the phone calls and the hiding. i messed up once in a very smart aleck way saying- it's almost time for "george" to call. (that's his boss' name) he ignored that comment. then once he was talking to me saying that he loved me that nothing would come between us etc. and i said someone is already coming between us. he will not admit that there is anyone, so i just blew on past the accusations. i said listen i know women, if a woman is calling you on a regular basis she may not tell you but she is probably hoping for more than friendship, it's just the way that women are, she'll listen to you and tell you how great you are, she'll say she just wants to be friends, but in the back of her mind she wants more. he said i'm not doing anything. i said i'm not saying you are being physical with her, but just the fact that you are hiding it says that it is a problem. he ignored and changed the subject. then yesterday, she called while we were at lunch together. he said yes yes no yes no and got off the phone. i heard little to none, but i knew it was his "friend". i don't know what she said, but i looked him straight in the eye when he got off the phone gave him this little exasperated look and looked away. he mumbled maybe you're right. then he asked me about my salad. i'm hoping hoping hoping that he's beginning to see that the relationship is inappropriate.

you can see how bad our communication skills are! but it would be easier if he didn't deny everything and then accuse me of being the bad guy because i said something about my suspicions.

i don't think he goes seeking these relationships. i'd say he was just being nice to someone and that someone developed an interest in him. it's very flattering for that to happen. i don't blame him for that part or for feeling good about it. i do blame him for allowing it to continue.

and he really has no idea how to put a stop to it. he has always been the non-confrontational type. when he had girlfriends (before us), he always had more than one (because he didn't know how to say i'm attached). he also didn't know how to break up- he'd leave town without a word to them or something drastic like that. really!! or he'd say that his mother died and he needed to have time alone. i'm serious. he would do just anything to keep from hurting the girl's feelings directly. little did he realize that other things like moving without telling them would hurt even more. when he has had little flings in the past (since our marriage), he has told them they couldn't be friends anymore because of his crazy, insecure, controlling wife. he told them i was trying to control his personal life, that i was just insecure and couldn't handle him having friends, etc. he doesn't want the person to think it is their fault and he also doesn't want to take the blame.

this time i think it is the same. although he hasn't been direct with any comments, i am guessing that she is an office supply sales rep that comes to his company everyday. it's a guess, but i know he has been coming home with a lot of pens and promo stuff. i'm sure it started out just as a nice friendly exchange and has developed into more. if she is calling him or he is calling her to just chat (non-business), then i think it's gone too far. i'm not saying he can't have friends. i am saying he has a history, and that he shouldn't have single female friends without me being involved.

i am trying to plan a. it's just that he says he is happy at home, except for being hounded by my suspicions. and sometimes i don't have to say a word for him to know my thoughts. he'll just look at me and say "i'm not f-ing anybody!!!" i never said he was doing that...just that it was going too far. i'll just have to try to do all the things that she must be doing and keep praying.

If you are sure, tell him right out what you think. Tell him what you need in your life to be happy with him and thus beeing able to make him happy. Then have him choose. You, with his new attitude towards you or OW. If you're soft on him he will only lie and keep the affair better hidden.

SeMM

There's alot of pain here for you from your H and it seems his inability to handle confrontation keeps him from feeling comfortable discussing important subjects in your marriage.

I know SeMM is coming to your defense, but I think the solution's going to be a bit more delicate than that. I hope some other MB's with experiences similar to yours will assist.

Hi,

Welcome to MB. Sorry that you are here, but now that you are you will find kindness and compassion from those who know how you feel.

Go to the bookstore on this site and buy Surviving an Affair. It will help you gain insight on what you need to know before you do anything.

Read, everything you can on this site in the meantime. Others more experienced will post their wisdom. Blessings, CSue