Hi All,

I've noticed several posts recently regarding forgiveness. Was wondering how you define forgivenes... especially toward the OP if you are a BS.

For me, forgiving my wife was a process. I was more than willing to forgive her immediately when she first asked. But I kept having angry feelings towards her because of all of the unresolved issues that we never discussed. I learned from our MC that forgiveness was actually a process and that I could only forgive what I knew to forgive... as my wife and I worked through our past, I was able to truly forgive her.

As for the OM... I've come to a point that I no longer have the desire to cause them bodily harm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , and I am willing to forgive them IF they ever ask me for forgiveness... For me, this is all that I can do since I've never had any contact with the OM since 1990....

What are your thoughts?

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Forgiveness was very hard for me. But, it came after prayer and a realization that in order for me to move on with my life and make myself a better person... I had to forgive her. In this case, forgiveness for me was entrusting to God that justice would be served regardless of how I felt about it.

Forgiveness is the act of saying: I forgive you... and fully knowing that you will never know the "true" extent of the A, let go of any offended sense of justice or desire for retribution. Sure the A was probably great for my WW... it wasn't for me. What about me, huh? Let it go. Know that you'll never forget it... but when it comes up, hopefully it'll hurt less.

Advice: Don't forgive too soon. I contemplated it for weeks. At first, I forgave specific actions of the affair. Early on it was the sexual stuff, then I was able to forgive the lying/manipulation, then I was able to forgive all of the things I don't know and dread finding out about. Now, I'm struggling with forgiving myself for buying into the lies.

Good luck.

RIF90,

I know that you have seen and replied to some of my posts, and that has helped me. Hopefully, you get something out of my reply here.

Once I got back here to Saudi, knowing that my WW was pregnant with OM child, I felt a right for vengeance, hurt, disgust, low self-esteem, etc. For the first and only time in my life, I had even considered suicide (by driving my car off an interstate at high speed). I've had some very good counseling sessions with the chaplain back here. That says a lot for me, too, because I know that, geographically, the OM is a lot closer to my WW than I am.

The chaplain's statement to me really convicted me. He said that in forgiveness, we wipe the slate clean; there no longer is any sin, any offense. That means that we never bring it up again. If the other person wants to talk about it, then we let them bring it up. So far, I have been able to pretty much stick with that. It's exceedingly difficult at times.

With reference to the OM, I was convicted yet again during a sermon a week or so ago. It was on forgiveness. It hurt a lot, because I didn't, and sometimes still don't, want to let the OM off the hook, because he has never shown the least bit of remorse about what he did to my family. But the Lord convicted me. I wrote him an email. I forgave him, and hoped that he has grown and won't do this to anyone else. I expressed my disbelief at the fact that he hasn't shown any remorse. I also told him that all I ask in return is that he stay away from my family completely and forever. I will be daddy to this child. If he ever tries to contact any member of my family, then we will have a new situation to deal with.

That's my situation at this point; I hope God speaks to you in the midst of your storm.

I am a WS and pray everyday for foregiveness from my wife. We are 6 months since she found out about my affair. While we have progressed far, we still have a way to go. She still has outbursts of anger (every week or 10 days), but she recovers and we continue to build a new foundation. I relate this to you to emphasize the need to maintain hope that you can make it through. If in your heart you feel your spouse regretes and has true sorrow, give them another chance. My MC suggests at some point I discuss an offficial declaration of foregiveness. While I would like that sooner rather than later, I understand that the horrible memories of what I have done are impossible to erase. Time heals all wounds??? As we approach the 1 year mark of the begining of my affair, all those days I spent cheating and lying will be back in our faces. Just yesterday I looked back at my calendar, how I blocked of hours and business trips to be with her. I am so angry at myself. Sometimes I wonder if I have yet to forgive myself...Wow...I hope people who are in a postion to avoid this pain read these postings and don't make a short term feel good mistake...this isn't fun...and the fun does end...when it does...owch!

I too am a WS. I am hoping my Wife will someday forgive me for the pain, hurt and deceit I caused our relationship. For the past 16 months, I have been bearing with angry outbursts from my wife about my casual ONS while I was out on tour. In fact there were no steady affairs. My wife wants to live in the past as much as I would like to close that part of our life. I am extremely disappointed with myself for the way I have behaved and broke our marriage vows. I know it will not be possible for any BS to forget, but I feel forgiveness is possible, if one wants it. I am very sincere about my repentance, and would go to any length to reassure my BS about my changed stance in life. But I can not undo the wrong deeds as much as I try, as past can neither be erased nor changed. One has to learn to live by it as best as possible. I guess only time will tell where our relationship will tkae us. Notwithstanding, what happens, I love my wife dearly and sincerely regret for the misdemeanours.
Can any one provide me with any suggestions what further action can I take to rebuild our relationship.

ASH
WS- 53, BS-52.
D-26 & S-22.
Married - 27 Y

Great discussion... thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Lyxa, I too "forgave" my wife too soon, but have since gotten to the point that when any thoughts or images from the past pop up that they don't really bother me anymore.

CS, hope things are going well for you... I appreciate the words of encouragement!

Howbre & Ash, thank you for your perspective and I pray that your spouses will be able to extend their forgiveness to you. It took me a while to really forgive my wife, but with the Lord's help, I truly know that I've forgiven her.

Thanks again for the great comments.

Semper Fi,
RIF90