Yesterday for some reason decided to check h email and discovered another "affair." I confronted h who wants to go to counseling and work on the marriage.

I have an unusual feeling of calm. I guess because I "knew" for so long this was going on and tried to warn him it was heading there and he kept denying. Is this feeling of calm normal? It's like a relief because now i don't have to live in wonder, fear, agony..you know what i mean..

Anyway, saw counselor yesterday (perfect timing) and he recommends h leave job or ow leave job, but h says it's not necessary and they can work together in spite of this. I should mention they told each other they love each and well, uh wante dto have sex. Counselor says it will not work with them having contact, but h needs job to enable him to stay home everyday with our son (age 2) while I work, and I want that too, but I don't think That I am mentally capable of dealing with knowing they work together.

I sent ow email yesterday and told her that i knew. It felt good. If i can cause her just a shred of pain by telling her that he told me he doesn't love her and never did, that it was all a lie, then i feel good knowing that she might suffer just a little. She is a married woman going through a divorce, and I guess she thought nothing of ruining someone elses marriage so she deserves whatever she gets. Since they work at a church,I am very tempted to tell pastor what has been going on behind closed doors as well but don't want to cause h to lose job.

What can I say? I love this man with all my heart. He knows he needs help for this problem of not knowing boundaries when it comes to female friends.

Anyway, I wonder how long this calm can last. Is this normal?

H offered to leave. Counselor says if i want to work on marriage that would be another "problem" to overcome, but I know me. When he's here I want him, when he goes I wonder if he's seeing her and that hurts, and what hurts more is knowing that my trust issue will kill whatever chance we could have.

Your husband is living in "la-la land" and seems to be still in the "fog".

Your counselor is correct. Your husband has proven that he cannot be trusted to act in your best interest, much less in the manner a Christian husband is commanded by God to act. His leaving and finding another job is essential if the OW will not leave.

I have a deeper problem that stems from not knowing whether or not you and/or your husband consider yourselves to be "born-again" Christians. If you are, it is clear that your husband is either lying about his faith or is in willful disobedience to God's commands. If he truly wants to save your marriage, then he is going to have to start by obeying God's commands...period, no exceptions.

Also, if this situation at church is not resolved it can become a cancer eating at the reputation and ministries of the church. Sorry about that, but Christians are held to a higher standard than "base animal instincts". I am not sure about the idea of telling the pastor, but I can tell you that if there is not immediate repentence and turning from sin, the pastor needs to know that there is active sin going on in his church. He is the shepard of the flock and is required to try to help the sheep who have strayed. Possible ramifications, however, are a consequence of sin. Forgiveness does not equal "no consequences". This may cause further difficulty for both of you on the homefront, but that is not fatal and God will use even that as a way to teach what marriage is all about.

Not having trust is normal. He cannot expect you trust him...he has failed not once, but twice. Trust can be granted by you, most likely in little segments, but always from this point forward based upon your observation of his actions and that those actions show he is regaining some trustworthiness.

God bless you as you work through this difficult time. I am so thankful that it seems you have a good Christian counselor to work with. I hope you are both in joint counseling.

I understand that calm-2x for me too- h having affair- once when we were very young with babies and now 16 years later in ''mid-life''- I KNEW and couldn't prove it-he denied my suspicions and I knew by his way of denial that it was true-very surreal- but I was so deep in my own depression-I just figured that out this week! and when I finally had proof in my hands he couldn't deny it- we are in week 3 and some things are GREAT- at night I fall apart and in the morning I start fresh. I have talked to my minister,sister and 2 close girlfriends and our grown sons- some things I have to do for ME- h does not know I talk to the minister- I know that going ''too public'' is bad for us since we want to stay together-so our parents etc.. will never know. I did lay what was left of my trust in the ow spouse and told him flat out what was going on- my sole purpose was that he shouldn't live like I had been-oh how I wish someone had told ME- the repercussions of that were many but I know I did the right thing. He was naturally stunned but grateful to have been told- it was very hard for both of us but it took the secret OUT for the philandering duo and that was a bonus I hadn't thought of-taking their clandestine priveleges away---- you can email me if you want- Tillie1960@aol.com

LEAVING THE CITY OF REGRET

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet, I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I'm talking about my annual "Guilt Trip".

I got tickets to fly there on "WISHIHAD" airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which, I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been.

No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town. As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year's most important event, the Annual Pity Party.

I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there. First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol' Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterday's. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share. Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It's Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.

Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that all of this trip and subsequent "pityparty" could be canceled by ME!

I started to realize that I did not have to be there. I didn't have to be depressed. One thing kept going through my mind, "I can't change yesterday, but I do have the power to make today a wonderful day".

I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left the city of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address.

Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.

So, if you are planning a trip to the city of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now.

Instead, take a trip to a place called Starting Again. I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myself and the New Starts are so very helpful.

By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. You too, can find this new town, ust ask the Lord to show you the way. Now I live on ICANDOIT street.

FP
Whatever it takes, whether a new job or something. Its best that your H move on from that job even if you have to make up a new budget and cut back. Its vital to your recovery. Them working together while still in La La FoggyVille is not going to help your marriage.

Your H is not strong enough yet to make such a promise to you that they can work together with no hassles. That is FALSE.

I hope you can talk him into leaving that job. Its the first step to a good recovery.

Best of Luck
God Bless U
Zoey