My world fell apart on 8/20/02 when I discovered that my husband was having an EA with a co-worker. We went into counseling the following week and he told counselor that the affair was intense and he wanted out of the marriage. We have been married 17 years and have two wonderful sons 15 and 13 years old. The counselor recommended that we separate and he left that same night. The following weekend upon coming over to pick up our sons for a visit he suggested that we do a 400 dollar mediated divorce. I responded by filing for divorce and upon finding SAA and speaking with priest did not have him serve. My husband agreed to a six month separation. I read Divorce Remedy and was using technique recommended of keeping low profile and not pursuing him. During a 4 hour call with my husband I told him I did not want the divorce and he would have to be the one to pursue it. He admitted that he and OW had had three big fights and admitted that she has lied to him. I told my IC about the call and she suggested that I offer him a sex date. He did not respond. What should I do? Leave him alone and not have any contact except concerning our boys? My husband is so deep in the fog! I have so much love and support from his family and mine. I have spoken with his coworkers and that were shocked by the affair claiming that he alway spoke about me lovingly and they all say the ow who is married and has two teenagers has a history of affairs. OW H moved out of state for a job and left her here to sell their home and finish school year. Please tell me what to do..I am so confused.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear RRS, {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} I am so sorry for your obvious pain and understandable confusion. You have come to a great site that can offer guidelines and support. Be sure and learn all you can from SAA. I think Harley's concepts make great sense, emotionally and otherwise.

First off, no one is going to tell you what to do. You are in charge of your own life. You have been wise, I think, to take things slowly. You know from what you have read in SAA that your H's affair will die a natural death, and it sounds like things are headed that way already with the OW acting the way she is.

I am glad you did not head for the divorce, accept your husband's offer for a quickie divorce, nor have your husband served. Your husband is in the fog. It will take time for him to realize what he could lose with you and your family.

At the same time, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and try to understand why your husband would have been suseptible to the OW in the first place. Look at the EN questionaire. Focus on you, and make yourself the best person you can be, not only because you want your H to remember you at your best, but also because you want to be your best for YOU.

That said, I can't believe your counselor suggested a sex date. That is incredible to me, if for no other reason than the possiblity of STD's. (you said the OW has a history in the office of having A's.)

I hope what I have written is helpful. You are not alone in this situation. There are many who have successfully overcome A's on their marriages and made their Ms stronger and better than ever. Take things slowly and carefully. Take care of yourself and your sons. They will be angry with their father. I am sorry about this.

Take care and post often. Good luck.

Thank you asgoodasitgets for your reply! My H called while I was reading your post. He is very cold and wanted to speak with our boys. The boys are out with friends and he was upset that they were not home when he called. We never know when or what time he will call. He told me that he would not call tomorrow and when I asked why he couldnt take 5 minutes of his day to contact his boys he answered by saying that they were not home now when he called. My boys hate the OW. H took our boys and met with her and her kids the weekend prior to D-Day and they both feel used by H. H already has told boys that they have to accept her and spoke of the four of them having dinner. My 15 year son told his dad several times that he would not meet OW again. Thank God I found this site!! I know that my H behavior is not unusual! He is not the same man I have known for the past 17 years. Just 6 months ago he was attending mass weekly and making comments like our treaures are not here on this earth but in heaven. He claims that we were not a couple and that was true. We are both police officers. He was focus on himself and his career and left everything else for me to take care of. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that this was a wake up call for me to see how unhappy my life had become. I know that he would not had change and work on our marriage before this A but maybe when it end and he has nothing he be willing to build a happy and healthy marriage.

Hi RRS, Happy I can help. I noticed your comment about H being "cold" on the phone when he called. Please remember that you haven't done anything wrong. The best thing you can do is be your normal, cheerful self, even if you don't feel that way at all. Of course it feels like your life is falling apart all around you, but WH needs to know that you are keeping yourself pulled together. Gee, sorry that the boys weren't home, but they have lives to live, too. And as for the boys' not wanting to meet the OW, well, that's understandable. Their loyalties will be with you, their mom. WH can't have his cake and eat it, too. Life with OW is not going to be family life as he has always known it, except now he has a new companion at the table. Nope. Be patient. Work on you. Be ready so that when WH realizes what he is doing and what he will lose if he continues on this path, he can see you for all the great things you are. You have a life history together, and that is worth a lot. I have been married for 17 years, too, so I know. It is so hard to play it cool right now, but you can't be clingy and weepy. Be strong, visit with your priest, pray, continue seeking support from your families. This can pass, and when it does, you have to be prepared for the work that lies ahead. Read, post and take care of yourself. Good luck.