Not sure how to begin this will start with some history. My H told me Dec. 2000 about a new person at work who had no friends and could I be her friend. We started spending time together as families, she has 2 children. OWH works nights. I helped with babysitting when she worked late. She is a marriage therapist so I guess I trusted her. I found out Aug. 2001 that they had only kissed. He told me he ended the relationship there. In March 2002 I was in his office and found emails from her. I called her husbund and told him about the relationship which he had no idea about. My H and I have been working on our relationship, but its very difficult because he works with her.
Now, he just informed me in anger that he had slept with her on numerous times, usually when I was watching her kids, and that our 16 year old had caught them.
This explains so much, as there relationship has has suffered. Our son has repeated claimed his dad had sex with OW which I told him wasn't true. He told me I was a fool to believe his dad.
I feel I have been tortured for a year and a half with lies. We spent 1 year in MC but my H lied about everything including any contact he had with OW.
OWH knows they slept together but is fine as he has had numerous affairs.My husbund had an HIV test whicch was neg.
This is kind of rambling, but I'm stuggling.

(((((Ryefield)))), Did he encourage yu teo become her friend BEFORE they started their A, or after? If it was after, then all I can say is how cruel! It must be very hurtfful to know that they both used you to be together as you were watching HER kids. Wow! Please continue to come to this site and post. Read all you can about plan A and B and post, post, post. Take the time to decide what you want to do. How sad that your son has had to really see what his dad is doing to you. He probably has a lot of anger too. He may need therapy as well. Your H has probably damaged his R w/ his son by his behavior. You need to listen to him so that he feels like he has someone safe to talk to. Are you still in C, and what does C say about whats going on now? Take care, C

Ryefield --

A "marriage therapist," eh? My foot!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, a terrible mess for you and your family. Welcome to MB--we'll help you all we can. Of course you're struggling with this; who wouldn't be? Rambling is always permitted and even encouraged. Please post to us anytime; we're here for you...

Yes, it is going to be very difficult (read virtually impossible) for the two of you to work on your relationship with the constant proximity of the OW. My knee-jerk reaction? They can't continue to work together! Does your H want to keep your marriage and family together? If he does--and he's serious about it--they cannot see each other again = complete NC. One of them has to leave that office!

That being said, I'm aware of the practicalities of things, that suddenly quitting the job may not be possible, but to me, it makes very clear the seriousness of the situation as well as the remedy. How committed is he to getting the two of you back on track? How committed are you?

I'm very sorry that your son is so enmeshed in all of this. Firefly10 has some excellent thoughts for you and about your son. I'm always so sensitive to the damage done to the children, the innocents. Give him extra hugs and attention. Have you other children?

I know you've just recently learned about all of this and that you feel sandbagged and stunned, not to mention lied to and cheated on. How do you see this going for now? You have to be there for your family and for yourself. Don't do or say anything rash while you're still in shock--not a good time for life-altering pronouncements.

Hang in and remember who you are throughout the day. This isn't about you; it's about your H's very poor and very weak choices. Now, let's see what he (and you) wants to do about it. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ryefield,
Hello, welcome.
I wonder why your H now told you the truth? Even in anger he could have continued the lie. Maybe he is tired of lieing?
You should appologize to the 16 year old, it took guts to tell you. The messenger is always a difficult role.
Does your H say he wants out? He wants to work it out with you? He just wants to pretend nothing happened?
It really helps to make things clear when you write them down,so come and post when you need to.
L

I think he told me because I ran into OWH at the store. I called my H at work and told him and he was very upset. I think it made him realize the truth would eventually come out and I needed to hear it.
How are you dealing with your H working with OW. The days they work together are so difficult because I don't know for sure what is going on. Because of my H position it isn't feasible for him to leave in a short period of time and we have agreed to let our 16S graduate from school here

Rye,
I would NEVER suggest a WS continue working with the OW. If I had to do it over we would move away. At the time,like you, i felt we had too many reasons to stay and for him to continue his job (retirement,family,he loved his job,kids....)but in retrospect we could have healed more quickly if we were away from OW.
God intervened and sent OW away for several months the day after I found out.She got a temporary promotion in the next town. When she came back it was awful but we were already in recovery. She has since had another affair with a coworker and my H see's her differently now. (not an innocent victim of his overwhelming charm)
keep posting it really helps,you can live through this.
L

Sad princess,
I know we need to leave the area, but its difficult now. The OW has told my WS that she would leave but now won't. Her H is ok with the affair and he will stay with her because of the kids, and even d=said it would be ok if she and my husbund we just friends. I told my WS under no circustances would I tolerate any contact. Am I alone in feeling this is inappropriate? Shes a marraige therapist, doens't she get it or is it me who doesn't get it?

RYE,
This puts you in a difficult position. If you insist on no contact, you look paranoid and crazy since they work together. He would probably lie to keep peace anyway.
Of course continued contact is not right.
I remember in the beginning when I found out my H agreed to no contact. The first week he continued to call her and then one day when I was waiting on him for dinner and we had guests I called him and he was with OW in car, "discussing it was over" blah blah blah he couldnt understand why I was so angry "he was just saying goodbye" they didnt even kiss" make me puke!!!!
Needless to say it took several months before he understood what "no contact" and "100% honest" meant.
I bet if I told him now that he did those things he wouldnt remember and would shake his head and say "what was I thinking"
The WS really does act as if they have lost their mind. They can see stupidity in others actions but their own actions seem perfectly normal.
I can say now I trust my H. He is honest with me now more than he has ever been, about good things and bad.
If I had the H I have now,before the A, I would have felt very happy. It is a shame this had to happen to change him (and me).
It is still painful for me,but I dont think about it every minute like I used to.
I think you should put no more thought into her occupation, many preachers have fallen into the same trap. It is a weakness, an infatuation with self. The OP makes you feel special,sexxy,irresponsible,and most important.
There are no bills,no puking kids,no cleaning house.....
I think somethings I learned were:
1)when I start feeling scared analize it and find out what triggered me.
EX. every time things started going good I became angry and caused a fight. When I realized I was doing this because each step closer we got the more vulnerable I became. Then I started looking at these uncomfortable feelings as progress and I would tell H I am feeling scared because....
2) Take A free days
Affair free days can be called by either party,when they have had enough. On these days you act "as if" you were happy and in love and nothing happened. You save up the questions for the next day. This gives you a glimpse of how it could be.
3)I didnt have to trust him not to hurt me again, I had to trust me to be able to handle it if he did.
4) when I got the "what ifs" I would look back over time since the A and see if I saw progress forward. He was changing for the better in HIS OWN way so I made myself not pick at little things.
Feel free to write me if you like. I dont come here often now, too painful and time consuming.
Its a bad place we find ourselves in but as someone here always said : I dont have to like my situation but I can like myself in it"
L

I really value your postings. You have much wisdom and understanding that have given me hope. Thank you very much.

Sadprincess,
I needed a few days to think about the things you wrote. Some of it sounds so like my situation. Everytime things start going better I do sabitage the situation to keep distance. The whole A has made me a much stronger person which does scare my H.n I am capable of supporting myself, although not to the level he can but I can manage.
One of the things he said was the ow made him feel special. She is 10 years younger than me, which hurts but he has since started to see her for what she is, He commented the other day about her lack of sophistication, and education that he never saw. Also that after a while he forgot to even notice me and look at me.
I think things are working out as he is trying, but its very difficult to to forget the past and the images I have of them together and the the fact she came over during the Affair and pretended to be my friend.
Its slowly getting better but I do think of it often and know it will take time. Have you ever tried a marraige Builders weekend?

update,
I have been out of town for business recently and returned on Thursday. My WS and I have been trying to get our lives back together and have been doing better. He asked me to have lunch with him asI had been gone. When I went to his work I was waiting in the waiting room when one employee came and asked me to leave. She said people are uncomfortable with me in the depatment. My husbund is an MD in this department. I was floored by this and she told me I can't go into his department anymore, if I do it has to be up the back stairs. My WS was furious. We have been looking at moving and this is pushing us over the edge. I also found out last night that the OW has told people I've threathened her, sent her letters ect. The only letter that was sent was by my H saying he wanted no contaCT. i READ THE LETTER AND IT WAS SHORT AND TO THE POINT. I am now viewed as this crasy obsessed person when I have done nothing. MY H has never told anyone in the department about her phone calls, messages in our mailbox (including rotten food) I feel hes being not dealing with the issue and shes bad mouthing me and I look crasy. Should people in the department be informed of all her harassing calls ect?

RYE,
Last I heard it was a free country and a DR. office is not a private home. This is really weird. I wouldnt push it because it will only make you look crazy.
I will tell you a funny story. When I found out about the A I called the OW at work to have a reasonable conversation,get her side....
She was so nice and appoligetic,said she didnt know how it happened and was so sorry. I asked her if she was in love with my H she replied "NO!! I am in love with MY H"
I told her that she had never made a promise to me and that I didnt hate her. I said do not worry I wopnt tell any one. She promised it was over. Then I said "OK now you have made me a promise and if you see him again outside of work or call him on the phone again I will tell your husband,then your parents then your church if you continue.
A week later they were still talking on the phone in secret and my H said something to me like "you said you would ruin her life" ding ding ding I knew he had spoken to her.
SO I called her H at 3am or so and she answered the phone I said let me talk to your H she said no and was real snotty to me. I said I warned you to stop...
I called her H later and he laughed at me saying " She told me you might call and that you were crazy jealous and everyone at work knows about you, they are just friends and that is the most rediculous thing I have ever heard, My wife would never do that" he said she had been telling him for MONTHS that I was crazy.
She set me up. There was no reasoning as adults she had planned to make me look crazy from the start.
If you knew me you would know how funny this is now. I have never been a jealous person, I figure if he wants someone else GO I would not fight about it.
She later said I was threatening her yada yada
I kept quiet and smiled whenever I saw her, then on day after she had started a new affair with another guy at work I saw her at a funeral. I smiled pleasantly said how nice she looked then whispered in her ear " I dont know if I should be happy or sad thet you f@#$%% someone elses husband now" the smiled and walked away - I looked like I had just said "I love those shoes".
She has been afrais of me since. The coworkers who know me now know that I am not a lunatic,heck I dont even have much of a temper. She has shown herself to be the lunatic.
I guess my point is be patient and kind,no angry outbursts, the more you protest the crazier you look.
Good luck
this really sucks
L

Rye,
Oh ya.
We did go to a MB weekend and it was helpful for us. Mostly to see the bunch of normal looking couples that showed up. Made H feel like a normal kinda guy.
If I had to do it again I think I would have chosen Retrouville though. Seems like I have seen a lot more positive responses here from that.
L

Thank you for your replys. Your situation sounds so like mine and I hope I can continue to have strength as you do. I think being asked to leave just threw the whole situation up in my face again. I felt like she won. I know that is an immature reaction but its the first I had, It takes a while for me to settle down and rethink it. The bizarre thing is her husbund is not angry with my husbund at all. He's mad at me for exposing the affair. I went to a sminar with a close friend this Sunday about forgiveness and resentment. How did you forgive your WS much less the OW. The speaker felt it was very important to forgive her as Christ did for us. Tough concept

RYe,
I am still working on forgiving OW, although in my head I realize my H is the one who betrayed me, if it wasnt her it would have been someone else. I will be gone until tue so dont think I forgot you.
L

Sadprincess,
Thanks so very much for your replys. I am having a difficult time forgiving my husbund, not sure if I will ever forgive her. The EA had started before I knew her, why did she pretenf to be my friend then when the PA started, have me watch her kids while she slept with my H. I know my husbund is as much to blame. He stated she made him feel good about himself. The bizarre thing is everyone who knows us both can't beleive he would do this with her. Not being catty but she is not a very attractive person. There was stress at work and she would listen to him. Their whole affair started over the stresses at work and them talking. He admits now when he sees her he can't remember what he saw in her. Guess his eyes are slowly opening.
I am tryng to not become involved in his work situation (see above emails) but not sure if this is right as this is why the affair started. Hope you have a good weekend

SP, Very bad weekend. We spent Friday night with friends and I had a great time but WS didn't/ He feels uncomfortable with them because of what has happened. Sat. night I went to bed and was reading my journal and crying when he came into the room. His response was I'm sick of this when will you get over this. Needless to say I started crying more when he grabbed my shoulder and said I made him get an aids test (I din't, he told me they had protected sex then recanted 3 days later and said he had an aids test" I pushed him away when he grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. I pushed him off me again. I was freaked as he was an inch from my face and screaming. I called 911. When the police came he said he did nothing. I told them I pushed him away. I was arrested because my WS wouldn't talk.He justsaid he got into my space and I pushed him Which is true but he was holding me down and screaming into my face inches from me and I was scared. The police said they had to arrest someone. I have a bruised finger where he was holding my hand. Now I go to court today and hes all nice and saying just take the fine and get it over with, don't contest it. I know he doesn;t want our dirt out in a court trial but I feel I am being wrongly charged. Even the arresting officer said so. I will probably say no contest take the fine the humilation and my name in the paper and everyone thinking I abued by WS. Major league LB on his part. He said he knows its unfair but He could get in trouble at work for domestic assault also so his job is in peril also.

good news, Just heard from the DA and they dropped all charges, they feel they were filed wrongly. I feel as though a weight has been dropped/

RYE,
Wow, the police?arrested?
Did you guys ever fight like this before? I feel like I am missing a part of the puzzle.
My H and i fought then we would have a quiet time then fight again,but they got less and less. Although I remember him saying a million times "you will never get over this we should just forget it".
Time does help.
check on you tomorrow if I can.
L