My wife separated from me three months ago, and I'm looking after my two teenage daughters. I recently found out Christmas eve that she has been having sex with at least one or more new men in her life. I don't know how to look at the situation anymore. Part of me wants her back, and part of me doesn't. I still love her but I'm disgusted. Any suggestions on how I can not let this affect me so much?

Hi NiceguyJim (NGJ),

Welcome to MB. You have found a good place to come. Right now it is a very confusing time. I found the book Surviving an Affair to be very helpful. I know others will recommend other books they found helpful. A suggestion that seems to be consistent is don't make any major decisions with regards to you M for 6 months or so.

Can you give more details about why your W left? Do you know why she left?

Are you girls doing okay?

Take care

<small>[ December 26, 2002, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: niceguyjim ]</small>

Thanks for the reply Sue, my girls are doing okay, accept for the periodic lashing out of anger and irresponsible behaviour.

Other than the neglect and taking my wife for granted, there were a few preceeding incidents.

Two years ago her father died, one and a half years ago her sisters husband left her for my wifes best friend, and shortly thereafter my wife went into a major depression. She started pulling away from me, then she started having intimate conversations with strange men on the net, then she told me she wanted a separation, didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time, she said I was a lousy provider, and a lousy husband. She gave me all the usual (regretably factual) reasons: I didn't touch her enough, only when I wanted sex, always talked about myself, was too controlling, etc. Now she has her own place, her own life, her independence, new male friends etc.

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: niceguyjim ]</small>

Do you know if you want your M to work?

Would you be willing to go to counseling?

I'm guessing here, but what I think your W has found is a new found freedom. How old were you two when you married?

How old and how long were you married when you had your children?

What I'm wondering could be the case, and remember, this is speculation that I am basing on my own experience. My H, left before we got married. We already had two children. He was enjoying the free and single life, until he started to see the price he had to pay with regards to his kids. He was missing out on their milestones, such as our youngest son's first steps. YS was 6 months old when he packed his bags and left.

Yes I want my M to work, and I am more than willing to go to counselling. I still love her with all my heart. She was and still is very precious to me, although I feel betrayed. She was living at home when we met at 20 and married at 21. We had our first child at 25. Some of her friends said she was excited about her new found freedom and setting up her new place. She doesn't seem to care about anyone but herself. I would have thought she would be more involved in our teenage daughters lives, like she led us to believe. It kills me to think about how many strange men she is involved with (and what they're doing together). I was doing so good these past 4 weeks until I found out the truth. I was working on myself, my attitude was great (even towards her). For the past few days I've been totally devastated all over again. I hope this passes and I can get back on my self improvement/positive track. I hope the Lord helps me tp forget about her and her new lifestyle.

It sounds like your WW is going thru a MLC(mid life crisis), in the hope of recapturing some of her lost youth. While on the surface it looks like she may be having the best that life has to offer, she will soon realize that it is a very cold and spiritually empty world she is living in. Especially if she falls in love with a man that is only interested in having a good time with her, but is light years away from a committed relationship. Remember that the odds are against her in finding a quality man and more for in getting involved with players. I know that all this is poor consolation for you and your children, but it is the truth nonetheless. Continue to work on becoming a better person no matter what the outcome of your M is because in the end, you will end up being the winner and she the loser.

TMCM said it very well.

Lets hope she sees that this type of life gets old very fast. I lived the single life, doing what I wanted, when I wanted with little regards to others in my 20's. Somewhere in my mid to late 20's I woke up and saw alot of wasted years in my past. There were no quality relationships except for 2 during that time period. Sure, I had a lot of fun, but it got old, I was going nowhere fast. I found myself in my mid 20's wanting to find a man who wanted a committed R. Most of the good ones were already taken by then, so it was much harder to find a quality man.

Thanks for all the great input. Yes I am a born again Christian. The other day I wished my wife a lifetime of happiness with her new partner. And yes, I do forgive her. Last night I came to the new revelation that I dont want her back anymore. I have my 22 years of wonderful memories. The wife that I once new is now dead, replaced with a selfish, lying, woman who sleeps with anyone who breaths. That woman I do not want to be in my life whatsoever. I trust the Lord will help me to forget the new her, keep my wonderful memories, and move on. May God richly bless all of you as you continually put Him first.

The Lord is doing a marvelous renovation work in my life. I am continually on my knees now, in His Word, and totally submitted to what He wants to do with my life (His life). He has surrounded me with excellent Christian counsel and friends. The Lord is turning me into the Man, Husband, Father, Prayer Warrior, Soul Winner, and encourager He wants me to be.

I understand what went wrong in our marriage, the role I played, my wife played, our family of influence played, Satan played, and how God's hand is in it all and will bring something beautiful from the ashes in me and my wife.

If reconciliation never happens I will accept that as God's will and continue to praise Him for the marvelous changes He is making in my life. I love my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul. I love His Word and desire to be totally obedient to it. I am also praying that God will reveal any wicked way that still resides in me, as well as any unconfessed sin I may not be aware of.

It is no longer my life but Christs life in me Gal 2:20. May God receive all the praise, honour, and glory for the marvelous work He is doing in me, and continue to make me a blessing to everyone I come in contact with. Praise the Lord!

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: niceguyjim ]</small>

Well, one more week and its been a year since she told me she didn't love me anymore, wanted to end our marriage, and I moved out with our two teenage daughters. (6 months since she moved in with her boyfriend). My new girlfriend thinks I should file for divorce, and I guess I think so to, afterall, I don't really want her back anymore.

The Lord has done some pretty remarkable changes to me. Even my girlfriend can't understand why my wife wouldn't want me back. I told her I wasn't the nice guy I am now, and even though my wife see's the changes when she visits our two girls, she won't acknowledge them.

Time to move on, I guess. I would welcome any opinions or questions some of you may have.

Yours in Christ, Jim

So, you are still married? And you have a girlfriend? Are you in an affair? I know you have been through a lot but if you are still married and you have a girlfriend, you are just as guilty as your wife...

Very true. If you are a christian then you are sinning just as she is. You are having an affair. You need to focus on yourself and kids. After divorce you will find someone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong>So, you are still married? And you have a girlfriend? Are you in an affair? I know you have been through a lot but if you are still married and you have a girlfriend, you are just as guilty as your wife...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THAT IS SUCH BS.......I dont understand alot of these comments. His wife left and is now with other men......he is entitled to move on with his life. God KNOWS in their hearts if they are divorced or not. Stop giving the Waywards so much credit. Marriages are sometimes NOT worth the paper they are written on. If this man has prayed and god revealed to him its ok....then its ok to move on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"THAT IS SUCH BS.......I dont understand alot of these comments. His wife left and is now with other men......he is entitled to move on with his life. God KNOWS in their hearts if they are divorced or not. Stop giving the Waywards so much credit. Marriages are sometimes NOT worth the paper they are written on. If this man has prayed and god revealed to him its ok....then its ok to move on."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is just not my layman opinion but that of many folks in the field, that starting a relationship before the previous one ends, often ends up hurting more than helping. It makes sense because many betrayed are so emotionally devastated by their spouse's betrayal that they are extremely vulnerable and very often end up hooking up with someone that is just as bad as the wayward spouse. The chances of the BS relationship surviving and thriving is as great as that of the WS and the OP.

True in some instances, but not all. My wife and I get along much better than my previous wife. She is a totally different person.......I should have been with her all along. I started dating my 2nd wife 3wks before my divorce papers were final. Does that make me a bad person? I have not had one argument with my new wife in a year, my EX and I had a major argument on our wedding night. Different people, different personalities.

SO you are right that it is not true in all cases but I would disagree with you with the term 'some' and I would say that a more realistic term is 'most'. Besides dating does not mean an immediate and committed relationship, at least not in my book.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>SO you are right that it is not true in all cases but I would disagree with you with the term 'some' and I would say that a more realistic term is 'most'. Besides dating does not mean an immediate and committed relationship, at least not in my book.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Agreed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I believe in my heart that my wife severed our marriage vows when she became sexually involved with her boyfriend shortly after our separation. I know that it almost killed me when I found out, almost worse than initially when she said our marriage was over and she didn't love me anymore.

She is the one who committed adultery and released me from our marriage vows. Anyways, the Lord knows the hearts, and I take comfort in Romans 8:1,2 and in Christ being my life now rather than just my Lord and Saviour Gal 2:20

Blessings!

Don't get me wrong but it's bad enough that your WW has sent a terrible message to your daughters about the sanctity of marriage, but how does you having a committed relationship with another woman (while still married to their mother) help them with regards to honoring their vows till the end? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />