I'm new to this and a little nervous about telling my story but here it goes:

I have heard so many stories about infidelity in marriages and have been one of those who said "this will never happen to me". My H and I have made promises to each other that we would never betray each other in that way. We have seen it happen to too many other couples. We have been married for almost 19 years and have 3 wonderful teenagers. Our oldest just started college. We were married young and have beat all the odds that were against us in the beginning. I can't say our marriage was perfect but we never talked about divorce or had any major problems except the fact that we were going in different directions. Having three teenagers involved in everything required alot of our involvement. He mostly went with our 2 boys and me with our daughter. I can see now that we were just living in the same house with little communication or time for each other. Now to the story:

Finding out that your spouse had an A is hard to swallow but the way I found out was more than I think I can handle. Back in May of 2002 I was having some physical problems and I called my doctor. Since it was Memorial Day I was only able to speak to the nurse. I explained my symptoms and she said that it sounded like an STD (NotHIV). Since the office was closed my only option was to wait till Tuesday or go to the hospital. I decided to wait. I did research on the internet and was more concerned with each click. I called my H in and asked him point blank had he slept with anyone else. He denied it of course. He left to pick up the boys from school and when he got back I asked him again if I could actuall have an STD. Not really expecting the answer I got I was floored. He said it was just one time with an office worker while I was out of town. He begged for forgiveness and asked me not to make him leave. Of course I didn't know what to think or do I called my parents and told them and they took the boys for us. My daughter was on her Senior trip.

We talked into the night with me asking lots of questions and him answering most of them. He explained that we had gone in seperate directions and that this OW made him feel special. He said over and over that it was only sexual, no emotions. (I will never understand how anyone can have sex with no love) you see my H has been my only partner. I still could not believe that they were so stupid to have unprotected sex.

I went to my doctor the following day for cultures and blood work, he went to his for blood work. His results came in on Thursday showing negative, mine came in Friday with negative results but a warning that these results do not always come back with the right result. I was so excited that we could finally go on and try to rebuild this marriage. Boy would I have a suprise!!

I was on a mission to see this woman that a friend of mine produced a picture for me. She was nothing at all what I expected. My friend kept saying that it did not sound like it could have been a one night thing. I confronted my H with the question of how many times and he admitted to 4 (another punch in the stomach for me). But like in the beginning he begged and begged. And like in the beginning I let him stay.

We went on a weeklong family vacation in July things were going well for us, I had been trying to make every effort to forgive, he was so humble, never blaming me for any of this. I truly believed nothing would get in our way. Boy was I wrong, with all the stress I had been under guess what popped out? Another outbreak, this just confirmed to me that his A was at the ultimate expense of me physically. I was devistated. Outbreaks occured every 4 weeks until I finally broke down and started medication. I just can't believe that this has happened. I will never be the same physically and I just don't know how to deal with this.

I have had so many good days mentally and then all of a sudden I plummet down so far I feel I will never come up again. I have gone to a counselor (Which took a long time because I have always believed only crazy people did this). I am sooooo mad at him for making me feel this way. I have always been able to face any thing. The connseling has not helped, maybe I just don't have the right one.

There is more to this story but I will end it here. I am still with my H and he has gone to counseling with me and does not want this marriage to end. The problem I am having is when I get in one of my moods I look at him with such hate for what he has done to me. On my good days I love him so much. My mind is going in circles.

Am I feeling normal? When does the hurt go away? I think I am having such a hard time because I not only was affected mental but physically also b/c of his selfisness.

Please give any advise that might help. Am I dumb for forgiving him for what he has cast upon me and my life? I feel to tainted.

Hi FT,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Welcome to MB! You've found a great place.

The feelings that you describe are ALL very "normal". Read all of the articles here on the MB web site and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... This book will help make some sense of the confusion of dealing with an A.

Keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks for your response, I think this might be the answers to my prayers. I have shared my story with family and a few friends but they do not understand the true feelings that I have. I hope to make this MB a daily part of my healing.

I am very sorry for your pain. I know how awful it is. My H's OW was my former best friend. We were neighbors and did almost everything together. Unfortunately, she was doing other things with him behind my back. The worst was she came into MY home and MY bed when I was gone. That devastated me.

It IS hard, but you can make it work. With lots of counseling, a 9 mo separation, tons of prayer, lots of reading, and making wonderful new friends in a support group...we made it thru. We were in and out of counseling for 5 years. My H lied until last year so it's been very hard to recover. I feel like I may never know the whole truth.

The book Torn Asunder is wonderful, and so is the article 'shattered vows' at findarticles.com

good luck and keep posting
p.s. I went on antidepressants for a while the first year and they really helped me a lot

FT...so sorry that you've been forced to seek out this type of site...but know you've found a good one. There is a lot of information here...READ...then take from it what you feel may be of benefit to your situation and marriage...keeping the other on the backburner in case of need.

I hate to say this, but getting the truth from a WS is one of the highest hurdles we must overcome. They mistakenly try to "protect us" from added pain and usually deny as much as possible (also protecting their own butts). The sooner your H learns that the strongest weapon he has in his hands is the truth, the sooner you'll began to heal.

It sounds as if you may not have the right counselor. A good one is worth their weight in gold, a bad one or one that you don't connect well to, is worst then no counselor at all. jmho You may want to do a little "shopping" around to see if you can find one you're comfortable with and who your H is comfortable with. Do some "interviewing" of counselors to see what their normal "treatment plan" entails.

Also this problem with the counselor may have more to do with you assumation of "only crazy people go"....well...you're NOT crazy...neither am I...but I needed some outside guidence when I discovered my H's affair. I needed someone to point out options which I couldn't see because I was blinded by my pain, confusion and sorrow.

The conflicting emotions are completely normal for a BS. We can go from one emotion to another before we even know it's happening. (ie. crying to raging)

You are NOT tainted. You have an illness, one that you didn't deserve...but it was from no fault of your own.

When does the hurt go away? Good question! But one I am unable to answer. For me, deep inside there is a tender spot, if "touched" it still hurts, it still causes much sorrow...but as I have healed, I've learned to keep from touching it...I know it's there, but I don't have to keep "picking at it" and I am allowing it to heal more each day. I don't believe the pain will ever completely leave when "touched", but I do believe that it will lessen each passing day.

I am sure that your illness has a major impact on your emotional capablities of dealing with the betrayal. You've been doubly betrayed by this.

BUT...you and your H can build a better, more loving, more honest marriage. It isn't easy. It won't be quick. But you can do it!

Good Luck!

Tainted....

I know how much this hurts. Believe me. You STILL may not have the whole truth. I'm not sure I even have the whole truth.

I too contracted an STD from my H. (Herpes to be exact) I still have to go back in 5 months for another AIDS test. I know this is awful. I finally got meds too... I had 3 outbreaks over a six week period. Apparently stress brings them on, and it's safe to say, I'm a little stressed right now... hmph. Can't imagine why! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't know how much help or encouragement I can offer at this point of your recovery, as I am also in the learning stages. But I can tell you your feelings are absolutely normal. I think every BS here will tell you the same thing. You will have good days, and bad days. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it will be one step forward, two steps back. But hopefully, with a lot of love, work, communication, and commitment, Your marriage will survive.

God Bless... Baby

Baby--No I do not know if I will ever know all there is to know but I have been told I should be a detective b/c I ask the same question in so many different ways until finally the truth comes out. My H did not tell everything on D-Day because he knew how hurt and scared I was. This A was over before I found out and he was hoping that this would be his secret. He was so ashamed that I found out. He could not believe that he actually did this. This OW was not the type of person that he would want to spend the rest of his life with. I think he got caught up in the attention she was giving him. He had just been promoted, we were both starting to work-out alot and he said "it was stupid" but the THRILL was what made this start. He also says that b/c she called, paged, made herself available, it was hard to turn down.

I too have Herpes from this A and I think that is the reason I am having such a hard time.

Please keep posting, I need all the advice I can get.

P.S. I did confront the OW. That is another story if anyone is interested. (Call it the detective in me)

Feeling tainted-

I read you story and I feel for you. Discovering an affair is a hard thing to swallow. I always assumed that it was men who commited it not women, that is why I am having a hard time dealing with my wife having one. Affairs and divorce are so rampade with people. When I was growing up I experienced my parents divorce and all their friends as well. I swore up and down I would never cheat and I never have. My wife knows how I fellabout it and it is the worst thing you can do to a spouse.
I am gaving difficulty dealing with her, some days I lover her and some days I look at her with discuss.

I went out and bought her a book by an marriage counsoler in FL the author's name is Gary Neuman.
The book is about how to prevent an affair from happening. I think she need to know what steps she took in having one and learn from it.
For me the hardest part is being close to her. I have a hard time making love, knowing she and some other guy had their hands all over each other. And talking to people about it, I know that the sex between them was more or less exciting, because you are not suppose to be doing it. SImilar to how children act.