I am here because I am lonely and alone. I got out today with friends, worked out, basicly did all the things that I have been doing for almost three years to get over my husband's affair. We are together, which I worked for so diligently. I have read every book, tried to improve myself, learn about LBs and emotional needs. The grown kids are happy but I just can not get there. I feel so much resentment still. I try so hard to get over everything but when he continues with LB even after the seminar and he refuses to do the lessons, I just feel like walking away. He is away on a business trip that he forgot to tell me about until it was too late for me to go. I do not think the OW of 21 years is in the picture but he just continues to not think of my situation before he does things. I have emailed Dr. Harley, I have talked with people at the 888 number about a mentor but so far there is not a mentor list. I am at my wits end---anyone out there?

CGAR_
I am sorry for your pain. I am not familar with your story. Please explain the hows and whys and whens of everything. You said the A was three years ago? How did it end? How did you find out? How is your FWH treating you now? All of these things can add to your pain. I know. I've been there. We all have.

I know I am more fortunate than some. My husbands "fog" didn't seem to last more than a couple months. With the really bad part being about three weeks. As far as I know, there has been NC since Feb. 2002. But, I am still hurting. And although I have forgiven him; I do not trust him.
Tell me your story. It doesn't matter how long it is. Just keep writing. Somehow, that has helped me tremendously!
GodBless
traceys*

Hi Tracey---Thanks so much for your response. It does help to know there are others out there who understand. My family and friends have been an outstanding source of support but there comes a time where you know you can not continue to talk to them about things. I have now been married for 31 years. Here goes a history:

Married for 29 to a man who appeared to love me. We were the model celebrity sports couple who were excellent parents, great comunity leaders with wonderful friends. We agreed early on that since he traveled a great deal I would not persue a career and would be a stay at home mom. I was and am very happy with that decision. I greatly appreciate the opportunity to so financially. He would brag in his speeches that without me doing what I did on the home front that there was no way he could perform as he did. Our adult children are well adjusted, productive and kind people.

On Feb. 6, 2000 H disclosed an affair that had been going on for 21 years. I did not have a clue. Later information I found showed that A started when I was 6 months pregnant with our third child. I have asked him twice in the past when he would be cold and distant if there was another person involved and he said absolutely not, just that I had to understand that he needed his space sometimes with the stress of the job and that anonymous callers could not be trusted with his public exposure as it was. I have always said the thing I admired most about him was his honesty and never believed he would lie to me.

He said he had fallen out of love with me many years ago and that he had reached a state of intimincy with OW. He said he decided he could not convince me he loved me so he just quit trying and said "O, just F--- her. I like to hear "I love you" spoken. All of the above disclosure was on the roof of the parking garage of a major airport after taking a trip to see our son play college sports. Somehow I drove home. Over the next 10 months he would commit to trying to put our marriage back together but only if there were changes on my side. He still said he did not feel love for me but wanted to try to regain it. When things would get too bad, he would do something that would give me hope so I hung on. The children wanted to X him out of their lives but I just kept reminding them that he had been a good father to them no matter what happened between us. We went to two marriage councelors, but I feel they only provided minimal help. My weight dropped to below 100 lbs. He continued to have contact with OW during that time. However, he has not seen or contacted the OW since July 2000 as far as I know when at that time they spent the night together. By Nov. of 2000 he still said he could not say he loved me and that he needed more time to try to regain love. I filed for divorce in the most non LB way I could with papers not served in public, etc. as the lawyer wanted but at my breakfast table with just the two of us. He went into a funk and refused to leave the house. Eventually he convinced me to try again, started to say he loves me and we have been working at it ever since.

He has improved his treatment of me and tries really hard in some areas and he listened to (not acted on) my honest stated emotional needs at the MB seminar. However, he refuses to follow through on the course-says he can not agree with the policy of joint agreement because it could not possibly work. He is very good at finding a way to convince me that most things are my fault. He does not meet the EM's that I need to be met, but will say "Yeah, but I'm doing better, right" He usually talks me out of what I am trying to say. He is very charismatic and people everywhere just love him. I had hoped that the seminar and follow through would provide a safe forum for us both to express our needs and how they could be met.

Basically, he is a very interested in making more and more money and takes an enormous amount of vitamin supplements and subscribes to all kinds of financial and health publications but will discuss emotional needs only if he feels there is no other alternative and will not read or discuss Dr. Harley's material. I have emailed Dr. Harley and he has advised me that continuing without my H would give very unpredictable results. I am instructed to continue in non-LB ways to encourage him.

I have always been the care taker of this relationship and recognize that I have now gone into withdrawal. I am beginning to wish I had just walked away instead of reading His Needs, Her Needs and How to Survive an affair. Michelle Weiner-Davis convinced me to "Divorce Bust". I thought I was stong enough to do this and if I just worked hard enough that my husband would come along. He is not a mean man, just a self-centered one. My children, who were devastated, have been on board with me and they have all restablished even stronger relationships with their father. That puts me in a place where I feel trapped. I just could not put them through the pain all over again, but my love account is busted and I just feel empty and going trough the motions trying to pretend everyting is Ok.

You are right, typing it out was a good idea. I hope that Dr. Harley's list of mentors will be out soon and that there will be some one trained who can assist me.

Thanks for listening.

(((((CGAR))))) (hugs)
I just read all you have been through. Oh, how I hurt for you!
I do not know how you have made it this far. I think I would be Bankrupt also. You have been to the seminars. THAT didn't work??
Do you think your husband could agree to counseling with SH??? I know you said he didn't want to. But, could he be convinced with a kind, non-LB plea from you to save the marriage??? Do you still want to save it?? Not for your children....FOR YOU.
I am going to call on a few "old-timers" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That I respect a great deal. Some people who have been married longer, and who have more experence to help you.
Please know that I have added you to my list of MB's that I am praying hard for. You have a lot to deside, and I want you to be sure of what you deside.
God Bless You, Cgar
traceys

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> thanks for the support and most of all for the prayers. I would appreciate any guidance.

cgar,

A 21 year affair is a whole lot of stuff to get over. I guess I would start by asking your husband to do the counseling with Steve. Have you spent time actually doing the phone counseling? You've been to the seminar, and you know the program. Steve or Jenn would help coach the two of you, and hold your husband responsible for doing the work.

I usually recommend a good Plan A in these cases, but you've done this already. Have you sat down with your husband and been as honest with him as you were with us? If not, I'd suggest that you do that too---let him know how alone you feel, and how you'd like to rebuild the romantic love that you're missing (and him too, probably).

If he can't by into this soon, I'd suggest a separation soon. This is based on the fact that you seem pretty worn out, and that you've been doing a decent Plan A (right?). But I'd much prefer you to get this advice from Steve or Jenn---they're both terrific counselors (I know this from experience), and they'll be able to fine tune this in a way that's very hard to do so over the internet. Give it some thought.

Thanks for the encouragement. I think I will try the counceling with SH over the phone and see what they can do with this puzzle. I do not believe that my husband would want to join in the call, but it would certainly help me. I do think my husband would like to have a loving relationship but does not understand how to participate, even after the seminar.

I just went on the counceling center section of this site, filled out the form for an appointment, filled in the comment area, tried to submit and it only says the web site will not respond. I guess i will just wait until tomorrow and call the 888 # for an appointment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

keep trying CGAR,
I just wanted you to know that I was still thinking of you. Let us know what happens this week.
blessings
traceys

Calling all help!

I just went back and reread this thread to see if I am better or worse than January. It is discouraging to realize that there is just no difference. Not better, not worse. It is not an unpleasant life now but it is not intimacy, probably never has been, I've just tried to pretend there was in the beginning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Everyone seems to ask "how long do you keep trying" and that's just what I need in an answer. I know there are different cicumstances in every case but will you read the above and give me your opinion? I just keep going around on a merry-go-round and I'm not pushing. My WH gave an ultimatum the other day that I either needed to accept him as he is or leave. He later said he wanted to withdraw it. Is he capable of change?

Help--please