First of all I'd like to say its been a couple of years since I have posted on this site. Just like most of you I was cheated on during my marriage when I was pregnant with our 2nd child and needed all the support and advice I could get to move on. Unfortunately my marriage didnt survive the affair only because he would not do his part to try.

Its been 6 years since we have split and we have become better at being friends and handle our children and situation well. He is getting married again and ironically its on the same day as my birthday.I genuinely wish him the best. His fiance is a good person and she of course had nothing to do with his initial infidelity...which I think is the biggest reason why it is much easier to accept.

But my main reason for posting is because the issue has been surfaced again but I'm not sure how to handle it.

I am currently in a serious relationship. We now live together are engaged and will be getting married in September. Before I met him he was single for over a year. Before that he was married 15 years and has a 14 year old daughter. The first 10 he spent serving his country. His XW and child followed him wherever he he went. When he left the military his XW enlisted and was out of the country for 20 months. After she returned their marriage was rocky. She suspected infidelity and asked him to leave and divorced him soon after. Now when he told me this he swore up and down that he was a faithful husband and would never hurt her. He said she always accused him of having an affair with a co-worker and friend of theirs who helped him with their daughter while she was gone on military leave. He told her that it wasnt true and they stayed together despite her accusations for a couple years after that until she divorced him.

I asked him to be honest with me at the beginning of our relationship,especially about that. Being that I was the victim of infidelity and that basically destroyed me, I wanted to be sure of who I was dealing with. He basically told me that the relationship with this OW only got as far as kissing. He said he knew it was wrong but that him and his XW were going thru things and would discuss it no further.

Last night we sat down to dinner and the subject came back up. He finally admitted that he had an affair that lasted about 8 months with this woman until his XW came back. To add more salt to the wound he told me that at one point this woman was pregnant by him and that she had had a misscarriage.

At that point I was hurt and dissapointed. He has asked me not to hold this against him, since this happened 8 years ago and that he is a different person now. But of course a nerve has been hit and I am afraid. But I am more hurt that he looked into my eyes in the beginning and said he never cheated and since we are this far into our future.

He said that he could have chosen not to share the truth with me. Which is true. He said he was afraid of my reaction.But I am not sure how to feel. I feel sick, I feel bad for his daughter, and I am dissapointed and disgusted that he had unprotected sex and got someone else who was also married pregnant. It turns out her husband was away on military leave too for a year. I am concerned that this behavior wont repeat itself. I am concerned that he may not be honest or as honest.

I know I have issues about infidelity...but because I have been there and done that...I dont know if I could take that kind of pain again. Between the years of therapy to calm my anger...the antidepressants I needed back then to numb my feelings so that I could deal and care for my kids...the struggles I went thru to just to try and trust again...I feel like I have hit a wall. I dont know what to do. I know mostly everyone here keeps an open mind. I beleive in marriage. I guess my question is should I beleive in him? Because this had nothing to do with me am I wrong to feel the way I do?

I know he didnt do this to me. But my heart is aching please advise...thanks...

Q

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: Q4life ]</small>

Q
Maybe this will help.
If you move on with someone else the new guy has the same potential to hurt you.
He lied,very bad. What has his behavior been in the long picture? Maybe you need more time to evaluate him in the long run.
He did tell you the truth now - why?
Take time to sort through how much of this is old luggage and how much is a valid problem for the future.
Good luck
It is sad how one 10 minute mistake can harm us so deeply for the rest of our lives huh?
L

You're right. Nothing is certain.

For the most part he has been wonderful. I havent felt this way since my ex H. He has been helpful and great with my kids. We talk all the time. Because the infidelity of my exH was such a traumatic experience for me it is something that I guess right from the beginning I made it a point to discuss.

He decided to tell me because I kept asking I guess. I just felt my intiution telling me that there wasnt something right about his story.

I beleive he loves me. But so did my exH and look where that went. I guess the scars of what happened didnt go away that fast.

Honesty is important. So I am going to propose to improve our communication. Hopefully he will be more honest about things.

I can understand where you would be wary.

Number one - He deceived the first wife and continued to tell her he didn't have an affair when he did. It drove her so insane she eventually divorced him, it appears from your post he never came clean to her.

Number two - He at first tried to do the same to you, but having been thru being a BW has sharpened your bull**** monitoring skills (meant as a harmless joke) and you picked up on something in his story that didn't jive well with you.

Maybe you can fare better with him because of your past experiences. You will be more attuned to how he is behaving and such. I wouldn't pretend to know what kind of advise to give you, this is tough. I know I would want another chance, having been a WW.

Yes, the most important thing to figure out is whether he can be honest or not.

It's very good that he told you- but how many times did he lie about it to you? And Why? Was he afraid he would lose you because he knew you'd been hurt in this way before? You need to talk about your expectations and how you interpret honesty together.

Thanks so much for your eyes and ears....

First to FMWB....yes I agree..being that Ive been there and done that my antenaes are up very high. So I am more in tune with the BS. My fiance wasnt honest in the beginning. This conversation and question has been posed to him about a handful of times. The last time I was just very persistant. I think that because our wedding date is growing closer...he felt he had to tell the truth. I'm not sure why he did..but I am glad even though it did put a crack in my image of him.

I do agree that the WS should be able to prove themselves especially if they are willing to try. This is his promise to me.

Secondly to espoir...I have to hang on I guess to the trust that I do have that he will maintain some kind of honesty with me.

I do beleive in the saying...What doesnt come out in the wash...comes out in the rinse.

Q

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Q4life ]</small>