Has anyone had any problems with their spouse having sex addictions?

I recently that my husband has been having multiple affairs. He's been in recovery for alcohol for 5 years, but has not been working a good problem. He went from one addiction to another.

Has anyone had experience with this problem?

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Justfor2day ]</small>

I just wanted to say welcome! I know this is hard! I will answer more fully in the morning when I have a clear head! (Had too mcuh wine tonight( From what you have posted...sounds as You know what, when, where,...so you're ahead of many posters. Please read the site, much information! Take from it what will benefit you and your marriage!

I'll be back tomorrow with a sober outlook and hopfully much more sense...just didn't wnat you to feel ignored! We understand your pain!

Betrayal is not easy or quickly dealt with...You are NOT alone!

Ohhh, A topic I've been looking for! Addictions/ Affairs and Just a Wifey all in the same thread! I will be back in a little while to get in on this one. Have to get kids off to school and wait while H gets done with the computer.

Thank you so much. I will check in later to get your opinion on this.

I appreciate your help.

Hi. I am a male attempting to recover from sexual addictions, and let me tell you, it is a royal b*tch!

Your hubby will need help to beat this. A local SA group and counseling at a minimum. (I'm working over the phone with Cerri.)

Good luck!

Doofus, thanks for your honest response. Are you finding that SA is working for you. He's using the same concepts from AA for the use of his sex addictions. He's also in the process of looking for a new sponsor.

How did your wife take this news? Is she "sticking it out" so to speak?

Man oh man! Just logged on and this is the first post I've read this morning. My WH is a sex addict. He was able to hide his addiction from me for a little while. He used masturbation for his quick fixes and he would do this as often as 2 or 3 times each day in addition to having an active sex life with me. When he was single, he practiced unsafe sex with a large number of partners, but stopped this when he became interested in me.

He managed to hold his addiction to masturbating and sex with me until 8 months into our marriage. Then he started his womanizing at work and flirted with a vengance. WH is an attractive man so it's not as though he had to twist any arms to engage OW in affairs with him. He knew the game well and played it to the fullest. At any given time, he had several women at different stages of an affair as to always have one or two that he was having sex with. As a rule, he stuck to married women or women involved in long-term relationships.

As time wore on, he spent more and more time away from home. He only came home long enough to shower, change clothes, eat, and leave when he got off of work and then he would drag in at all hours of the night. When WH wasn't able to get out of the house, he would stay up ALL night masturbating to internet porn. There are nights when he would wait until I was asleep and sneak out of the house to meet with OW for sex when masturbation simply wasn't going to cut it for him.

This went on for 6 years with me withdrawing into my shell to protect myself emotionally. I was a SAHM and full-time caretaker to our disabled daughter so I felt like I was trapped. I focused on taking care of the kids, the house, and myself. WH was not an alcoholic nor did he use drugs. His sex addiction has been his drug of choice since he was a teenager.

When WH's father (fellow pervert) passed away this past summer, I decided I couldn't spend my life like this because it was too short. I told WH I wanted a divorce and laid out all of the reasons why which included his sexual addiction that he thought he so cleverly hid. Still in denial mode, I showed him all of the evidence I had on the computer which tracked his usage as well as spouted off quite a few names of OW that I knew about and giving him some details that I was aware of about them.

WH whole world got turned upside down in 30 minutes of discussion. I may have turned a blind eye to things, but I do have eyes and ears. That and I have a wonderful little tape recorder, video camera, and picture camera. I kept up with what was going on. If I was going to divorce him, I was going to do it on the grounds of adultery so I was basically building my case all of these years.

I suppose this was when WH hit rock bottom. Even though he still didn't want to change at the time, he went through the motions of getting help for himself just to get me to change my mind. He even admits that he planned on doing just enough to get the dust to settle so that he could go back to his old ways. More than anything, he didn't want his reputation destroyed which is funny because he was the one who did the things that would destroy it.

Anyway, he went through the motions for 6 months. For 6 months, I watched and waited. During those months, WH walked the straight and narrow out of fear that I would catch him. I was watching him closely. He honestly didn't feel that he was doing anything wrong and that the only mistake he made was to get caught by me. He reasoned that so long as it was consentual, it was perfectly okay and I was just being a jealous B. He told me that he thought he only had to act married when he was with me (inside our marriage) and that he could do whatever he wanted when I wasn't there to catch him (outside of our marriage).

This past December, WH finally had a moment of clarity where he could see everything he did for what it actually was and see how bad he hurt me as well as see what all he was throwing away because of his addiction. It took him that long for the fog of his addiction to begin to lift. Right about this time, WH's grandmother figured out what was going on. She knew WH was in counseling and doing a lot of stuff to save our marriage, but she didn't know what exactly was going on until she came over unannounced one day when we had various workbooks and papers spread out and she clued in. She talked to WH and every word she said soaked in completely. No denial. No excuses. No justifications. Just acceptance of what she had to say. It was a lot.

After that, WH started making some real changes in his life. His A's had been put on hold (not ended). He didn't expect for it to take so long for the dust to settle, but I wasn't settling for anything less than a full marriage. We sat down and wrote out a plan which included how to establish and enforce healthier boundaries with women, how he was expected to conduct himself around women, how he was going to end the A's, how he was going to account his time and actions to me, the things that he could do to begin to rebuild trust in our relationship, as well as many other little things. We leaned heavily on this site and have used everything here (and I mean everything), incorporating a lot of the SAA principles.

As of yesterday, WH ended the very last A. There were a lot of OW so this was no small feat. In addition to planning this out together, WH had to work up the courage to officially end the A's so it took a few failed attempts at approaching OW about it before he was able to get started. Both WH and I are on anti-d's and they help. Everything is very new to him now so we are having to be extra vigilent.

WH told a handful of his closest co-workers what all was going on and they have been a wonderful source of support for him. In fact, they are almost protective of him. Earlier this week, WH had a female co-worker buy him a drink and send it to him through one of the informed co-workers who flat out told her that he wouldn't accept the drink. She insisted and when WH got the drink, he brought it straight up to her and set it down and told her that he doesn't accept things from women and turned around and left.

It's the little victories like that that let me know things can be better than they ever were before. WH isn't just talking the talk. He's walking the walk and that isn't easy. This past month has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. If you would have asked me a month ago if there was a chance that we could make it, I would have said no way. But now there is hope. That doesn't mean we will make it. Only time will tell that, but I do have hope that if we use this experience to learn from, we can be better than we ever could have been without it.

There are no more secrets between us. No more lies. No more half-truths. No more long hours away from home. He goes to work and comes home. Instead of going out by himself, we go out together or not at all. At night, he holds me all through the night so that I can always feel whether or not he is there (no worries about sneaking out or getting online).

That doesn't mean that I've stopped checking out his stories or stopped snooping around. If anything, I've stepped it up a notch or two now that I know how he went about doing what he did all of these years because there were some things that I didn't know about. I'm still monitering his phone calls, his workplace (co-workers keep me informed), his internet use as well as a host of other stuff. If I do have to go somewhere without him, his family works with me to "visit" WH while I am gone so that he won't be tempted to backslide. He accounts for everything he does and most of the time, I am right there with him.

WH is not a child, but he understands that these are the things that I need to have some sense of peace of mind. He says he doesn't mind it because he doesn't trust himself either. Sorry this got so wordy, but there is hope. That's not to say all marriages will survive sexual addiction. Heck, I'm not even sure mine is going to survive his sexual addiction, but WH is taking steps.

As for me, there are many times when I have to bite back my anger and resentment. I don't hide my feelings from him, but it does take effort not to let it send me over the edge at times. Even now, there isn't a day that goes by when he doesn't apologize. His apologies come at all times of the day and night. The ones that come out of the blue really affect me a lot. I have good days and bad days. I think I've cried more than I thought humanly possible. After being emotionally withdrawn for so long, it's hard and scary to put my heart out there again. His actions and his heartfelt apologies have reduced the anxiety I feel in doing this, but it doesn't take it away completely. It's hard to open back up to a man who has so completely betrayed me and hurt me, but I am trying.

lorac,what a woman you are! I am filled with admiration for you. I truly hope things continue going well for you and your marriage. You certainly deserve it.

Wow, It's not often that I find myself speechless. I am totally amazed with how far you have came with your husband. I need to soak all of what you said in. I will respond a little later.

Thank you for all of your help.

Hi Red...
I am also married to a recovering alcoholic of 14 yrs. He did a real good program at first but slipped off, and for a short time we were real active in chuch stuff so I wasn't too worried. Then things started to go downhill and continued obsessions etc and we had disaster.
Lorac..
What an incredible story! You must have untold strength to live with all that. You have amazing courage to stay and deal with it.

Here is what I have been wondering-what is a sex addiction? My husbands alcohol addiction was not an everyday, falling down drunk type thing. He didn't drink often but once he started it was unstoppable. Most people didn't even know he drank but I guess it's the reasons you drink that matter to an alcoholic. Is it the same thing for a sex addict? Doesn't really matter how many (affairs) as much as why? I can't help wondering if it is the same thing...something to make himself feel better, escape from reality etc. If so, I am up against something I have little control over. Ugh. He has made some amazing changes since d-day but has not taken complete responsibility for what happened, in my opinion. The last I heard him say it was because I was so negative and he had just given up (and I was difficult at that time, but not because he was being a nice guy mind you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Factor in my depression (undiagnosed at the time) and what a mess. Anyway, I would be glad to hear if someone can help me with this one too.
Thanks!

Red...Sorry, I didn't get back to you the next day. I'm not versed on SA so I will bow to those women and men who have dealt with and are dealing with this illness. It sounds like you've already got a great couple of repliers who know what you are going through. I'm sure they will support you and offer you wonderful advice.

Betrayals can be overcomed. You and your H can build a real marriage, one of love, honesty and trust.

Good Luck!

lorac...Good Luck while you and your H travel your healing path. Sounds like you've made wonderful leaps of healing already. Congrats!

doofus...please continue to respond here...the inside look into the mind of a SA would be most enlightening I am sure. Good Luck to you as you overcome this illness.

Marriedandlonley,

I have been doing a lot of research on sex addictions latley. I have discovered that it's the same concept of alcholism. The only difference is that women become the substance of choice. It is a disease, just the same as alcholism. It's a very deep issue, and sex addiction can hit the family much harder if you look at it as being sex. I view it as another substance issue.

Our divorce should have been final today. I choice to make it work out. I know that what my husband did was just the same as drinking. Only on a more personal level. He's back to step 1 in AA and I started alanon.

I think maybe you should check into an alanon group. Is he in AA?

Where did you get info on sex addictions?

He is not in AA and hasn't been for a long time. He started to go again but OW found out about it and he went to her house 2 times instead of going to the meetings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm not sure I'm ready for him to start meetings again. I used to go to Al-Anon but there weren't any people (old-timers) to help us newcomers and we didn't know what we were doing so it died out.

Another aspect I've wondered about is depression for my H. And, is alcoholism a symptom of depression? And infidelity is a symptom of depression as well. Just something I ran across one time that made a lot of sense to me. It's just confusing to me.
Thanks for this thread...not a lot here about addiction/affairs.

Alcoholism and sex addiction are symptom of a much larger disease. It's a disease of the mind. Some people are cursed with heart problems, lung problems, etc. This is a curse of a "mind" problem.

I would suggest going to alanon meeting group that has already been established. It would help you understand this disease and help restore you to sanity.

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: Justfor2day ]</small>

On the topic of depression...yes, drinking is a form of self-medicating and as affairs are often another form of escape that too can be effected by depression. Both give the "user" a high, both take away the depression for a moment in time...both tend to escalate as the depression becomes greater as the "amount" must be increased to reach the same high.

The depression becomes greater as it progresses without true help and professional guidence, so that even the "highs" can no longer be reached no matter what they do.

Eventually, most reach a level where they can no longer get the "high", they are just addicted to the point they must "have" just to not feel at
all.

Depression can be a desease which by it's very nature makes it almost impossible to reach out for help...as you see no help in sight. It's all blackness, there seems to be no tunnel with a light at the end...just darkness. You pull further and further within yourself. There is NO joy, there is nothing but being lost and alone.

My H has always suffered from depression. He's been on meds most of his adult life. (Childhood issues plus a chemical imbalance.) He will more then likely always need some form of medication.

When treated for depression, you MUST be under the care of a doctor regularly as meds which work today, may well not work tomorrow. (What happened to my H.)

He went from being a satisfied man with a successful career and a happy married life, to one who began self-medicating with alcohol, to having an affair. Both almost destroyed him.

IF you believe that someone is suffering from sever depression, especially the type that is not caused by a temparory situation, please urge them to seek help. Sometimes it takes more then urging...but having a support system and someone who is willing to listen and who cares, usually will allow the sufferer to reach out for help.

Dear Red Head...

Yes, My H is an SA too. Prostitutes and much much more. I have to get to bed but some very well versed people that have not responded yet will find their way to you. This weekend I will post some links that will help you find your way.

You are not alone. Hugs and God Bless.

PDD

justfor 2day, My H is in recovery from SA and drug addiction as well. He went into treatment the first time for drug addiction only about 10 years ago, then continued in AA for that time. He seemed to be doing very well. So we went on, living our lives having kids, etc. In 2002, he seemed to be growing more distant and depressed. He stopped going to AA. I worried that he would relapse, but he claimed he was stressed from work, etc, that we were fine. During the summer, while I and kids were gone visiting my parents, he told me that he was interested in some other woman who was working for him, but that he had only taken her out to lunch and had now stopped that. I went into plan A, w/o knowing what it was. I began to have suspicions that this woman was mroe than friend, but he denied. On 9-14-02, he confessed to me that he was in fact having A w/ this woman and not only that but that he had had many A's during the last 10 years. That he was never in a real recovery even tho he went to AA faithfully. My world fell apart. At this point, I was still plan A'ing, somehow convinced that we could save this M.

I think I was nuts then when I look back on it. Little did I know what was yet in store for us.

Current OW could not be asked to leave job for fears of repercussions. I asked that contact be minimized to work only situations, which of course did not happen. He was no longer in PA, mostly because he never was able to get out to see her. But EA going on strong. Finally after it turned out that H was lying to our MC and me about contact w/her, I asked him to leave until he could decide what he wanted, and not to return if he decided he wanted her. I wanted him to be happy and if that was w/ her so be it. During this, H had gone to psychiatrist who stupidly put him on Xanax, an addictive medication. NOt what you want to do w/ someone with a drug addiciton history. This escalated and he was using this all the time to manage his life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

When I made him leave she took him his drug of choice at his hotel and he was now in full-fledged relapse. He returned to our home after 1 day, saying he had decided to work out our M, but I saw that he was in relapse. I had an intervention done immediately, and he left to go to treatment out of state. While there, he was evaluated for SA, and it turned out that he had concurrent addictions. He has been treated for that. Meanwhile, I am home w/ children trying to keep us all afloat. It was so hard. I did not have a lot of hope, I was in despair. He was gone for 3 months.

Don't want to keep going on w/ this long story, but now after he has been home for 8 months our recovery seems to be going very well. I have lots of ups and downs still, it don't know some days if I will ever be able to put this behind me. I love my H, and am committed to this M so that keeps me going on the days that it all gets to be too much. H is grwoing as a person, I never expected to see the degree of changes he ha s made in himself. He is in AA, IC and we are in MC together. Unfortunately there is no SA groups here, but plenty of SA people in AA anyway. He goes back to treatment center quarterly for a few days as part of his treatment contract, that is a good thing. He has worked really hard on his recovery, he has changed so much about his life, putting in boundaries such as not being alone w/ any other woman ever, having other poeple in room when he needs to interact w/ a client, being open in all areas of his life to me. I have great hope now. I have to go now, kids are getting up. Will check back to this post later.

Firefly,

It sounds as though you and your husband have come a long way. Our husband sound very much alike in the fact that they were going to meetings but not really in recovery.

I find that thinking of the OW as substances really help me. However, I also get very angry and worried that he could have put my life in jeopardy somewhere along the way.

What's ironic about this whole situation is that he never wanted to have a lot of sex with me. From what I was reading, that is very normal. But, he even has a difficult time going out with me in public. I'm not sure why this is. Is this a whole part of the addiction? It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since he's stayed totally away from all porn sites and so forth. He has this "fog" like feeling. Is this normal also?b

My life as a sex addict.

1. "Why?" Because it is fun - irresponsible sex is great, if you're selfish, immature, and self-centered. Why grow up? (Think of Howard Stern, Larry Flynt, etc.) Way too much of our popular "culture" reinforces this poor behavior.

Also, I've always had a "physical release" approach to sex. The emotional/spiritual side of sex didn't interest me. I've never been a spiritual person at all. I've always been a Sex Addict, I suppose, but the internet has been a real enabler as far as giving me the knowledge and means to act out my fantasies.

To "fix" (yikes - "fix" is a scary word to a male philanderer!), myself, I am opening up to the possibility of spiritual realities. An eye-opener, to say the least. When we admit that there is more to life than ourselves, besides expanding our horizons it is quite liberating.

2. "Does my wife know?" Sorta. She knows I've seen a prostitute for intercourse this past spring, but not that over the summer I was going to get handjobs once a week. (In true Clinton fashion, I didn't consider handjobs "sex", just physical release.) She knows I am getting counseled over the phone, and that I am working on this stupid addiction. (Some days are better than others. Right now, I feel a really strong urge to sneak out and run off to a local brothel. Sad, huh?) But, I am still masturbating once/twice or more a week.

According to the SA sites, BELIEF in GOD is crucial to recover from this sh*t. I'm an agnostic, and pretty much of a mechanist on top of that. (I do NOT believe we have souls, or that there is a purpose to life.) However, as I stated above, I am trying to open my heart to spirituality. Also, I'm attempting to "program" my mind, (sorta neuro-linguist programming, except that I really don't know all the steps to NLP), to rid myself of these destructive urges.

Am I succeeding? Well .....

Oh, another thing. We installed the "Covenant Eyes" software on our PC to track what websites I go to. This doesn't block you from going any where, just tracks it. I highly recommend this, as I know I can not on my own keep from looking at porn online. ( http://www.cvnt.net )

Hi,

haven't forgotten about you...just haven't got to you yet....

Prayers.

PDD