In a nut shell here's the story of my life- met my H in high school, first man I ever slept with; even though he was a very controlling man. Started to resent him for the way he treated me and became numb towards him; Had a brain freeze, thought a baby would bring us back together, something positive to focus on. It didn't. Don't get me wrong, my son has kept me sane thru all of this, best thing that ever happened to me. Started getting much closer to a friend of mine. Started to have an affair. Had it out with my H about how unhappy I was, and that I was going to leave - never revealing the affair. He did a drastic 180, and has become an incredible H and father to our 2yr old son. The problem is that I do love both men and even though I want my marriage to work no matter how many times over the past 4yrs the OM and I have broken things off we always end up back together. I don't know how to get off of this roller coaster ride. I still don't have the intense "physical" feelings for my H that I do with the OM - and having not having had them for so long - don't know if I ever will. My H and I live a very comfortable life as best friends, parents and business partners - I don't know if we'll ever have the type of relationship I do with the OM. I guess I'm asking - how do you walk away from the OM knowing your "settling" for this relationship with your H. Can you find happiness in a relationship that will never be totally whole?? I never ever dreamt that I would be in this situation - and now am not so quick to judge people who have affairs because you can't possibly understand the situation unless you're part of it! <BR>Hope this makes sense to someone out there.

Welcome Stone-Angel. Glad you're here.<P>You're in the right place to rebuild your marriage and YES!! it is possible to feel those feelings for your husband as well. It will take a lot of work and a lot of time, but it CAN happen and we have some great people here who can prove it.<P>First of all, though. OM is still a part of your life. And, as long as he is, even just periodically, you will NEVER be able to achieve the things with your husband that will make your marriage everything you BOTH want it to be. So that's the place to start, you know???<P>So, start reading. All our posts, all the material here and all the books our member recommend. LEARN what it takes to make a great marriage for you and your husband. One that won't leave either of you lacking for the things you need and deserve.<P>And please, post here. Whenever you feel the need. There's a great group of people here with a wealth of experience who will walk with you every step of the way.<P>Be talking to you.<P>Lori

Stone-Angel,<BR>I am not really duck and weave I am the husband. For info on us search "best Friend Betrayal".<P>The welcome wagon will probably reply better than I can and have more specifics on Harleys material. The question I have for you is: Do you want to be married to this man or not? If the answer is yes, then some drastic???measures must be taken. You and your husband should sit down and write the other man (OM) a letter the officially ends the relationship and lets him know that you want no further contact none not even indirect contact through friends ect. For your marriage to get better you have to start the process and get honest with your husband and sit down and decide that there will be no contact. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. I am convinced this is the most important thing especially at this stage. This all comes straight out of the book, How to Survive An Affair by Harley. We tried this and continued to have "indirect" contact and it just wasn't seeming to get a whole lot better. We finally took extreme measures and we are well on the road to recovery. Be careful of this web site as it becomes addicting (kinda like your addicted to the OM) This site has been so helpful to us with other people in the same boat giving us suggestions and being suportive through this whole thing. Also it just helps to know others are having the same strugles as you are and sometimes after reading other peoples posts you feel like things could be a lot worse. Hang in there and decide what you want and then work towards that end. Get ready for the rollercoaster ride of your life. Not trying to scare you but just being realistic. I hope I have helped and I hope NSR responds He is much more profound and to the point.<BR>Greg

Welcome <B>stone-angel</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Thanks Greg... sorry I'm just a bit late...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards){like yourself} alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>You are not alone in being a "wayward"... keep on reading...<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! If you feel you want to save your marriage... and that's why we're here... you can start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. But more importantly for a wayward... is to find the reasons to <B>leave the OM</B>... Stay here... listen... we have more reasons than you can shake a stick at.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B> And it is good that you read it too!<BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Even for waywards... honest!!!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on... and this applies equally to waywards as betrayed!<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. and hopefully rebuild your marriage! Do post specific questions to the "betrayers"... they will help... you'd be amazed!!! <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 15, 1999).]

s-a,<BR>you will never have the kind of relationship that you want with your H so long as your energy is divided by this other man. IF you want your marriage to work (and don't you owe that to your son and to your husband for trying so hard for you?), you have come to the right place and you CAN DO IT!! It is hard but so worth it. You CAN feel that way again withIN your marriage. Read Dr. Harley stuff and "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring and there are other resources.<P>Best wishes,<BR>J

HI stone-angel,<BR> First off, I like your name. What does it mean? <P> Your H want's your marriage to work your son wants your marriage to work and more importantly GOD does. I think you do to or you wouldn't be searching for answers after all this time. <P> This OM is not a good man. If he was, he would leave you alone. What PART OF "THOU SHALT NOT COVET... doesn't he understand?That is the honorable thing to do. He is selfish. This is hard for you to see right now. But think back in the past, how did you feel about men that have affairs with another man's W?<P> These are the same feelings that you have buried do to the fact that your needs weren't being met by your H and the fact that OM filled them. Seems mostly sexual.<P> The other thing is your H deserves to know about the affair. Please think this out though and talk to Dr. Steve Harley (from this board) This is just my opinion. Your H deserves to make a decision based on the TRUTH (something lacking in affairs huh?) whether or not HE WANTS TO BE MARRIED TO YOU. HE MAY NOT. This should be his choice and he has biblical grounds for Divorcing you. You (biblically) would not have the right in God's eyes to remarry, your H would.<P> If he finds out on his own, he will NOT handle it the same. AGAIN this is MY humble opinion ONLY.<P> One other thing. (assuming you believe in God at all ) GOD DOES NOT send "LOVERS", "BEST FRIENDS" or "SOUL MATES" into a marriage. The "OTHER GUY" WITH THE RED SUIT DOES. <P>GOOD LUCK AND I (as will the rest of these great people) will be praying for your marriage. FRANK

You are comparing apples and oranges. Your husband is a coparent and co-business owner. Your lover is a man who can just be with you as a woman. A wonderful side trip. Can he be a full member of a full life? Do you want to have it all or retain a refuge? You have to consider their different roles in your life. Your H probably can't be such a free figure as the lover but he can be a part of all you have and be a lover to you as a woman, (this grown up full life stuff isn't as simple as it used to be when I was younger). If you had no choice except to give up one life or the other, which would you choose?<P>