My husband has been caught by me 3 times over the last year spending lots of money visiting strip clubs ($6000 over 5 weeks the first time; most on one two night visit in Las Vegas for a bachelor party). He says that he goes to get warm loving feelings that he doesn't get from me. He feels that he has for years been reaching out to me but that he is not getting what he needs in terms of physical or emotional intimacy.
The first two times when caught he was remorseful and swore he would never go to the clubs again. But he did, and the behavior escalated to where he is a regular and at this point cultivating relationships.
A few weeks ago, I knew he was hiding stuff from me and I snooped. I was able to pull up a copy of his cell phone invoice over the Internet. It revealed that he's been making calls to clubs for months, that he's been calling massage parlors (adult massage), and that he called two separate women most days - usually multiple times a day. Anyway, we had a huge blow out, I asked him to leave - then asked him to return a few days later. He wasn't so remorseful this time when caught; more irritated that I snooped and frustrated by his lack of privacy. During those few days when I asked him to leave, he cancelled my cell phone (so I don't have access to the account), and set up his own personal checking account (again, so I don't have access to the paper trail).
I found out that one of the women was a stripper at the club. He calls her all the time, has "felt her up", taken her out twice on dates away from the club, and stopped by to see her at work frequently. When she wasn't at the club, he would call her to ask is she was "avoiding him". The other woman . . . apparently they are just friends - it is not sexual -- not a threat -- he just enjoys talking to her. I also found out that he has gotten a massage once where he got jXrked off.
Needless to say, I'm devastated. We've been together 17 years and I would have never guessed him to be the type of person that could hurt me in this way. I feel both physically and emotionally betrayed.
We are now in counseling. At our first session, the counselor asked him to make an agreement with me not to frequent massage parlors or strip clubs, and not to cultivate relationships. He also said that he needed to tell me if he intended to do any of the above before he was intending to do it.
Our second session, I told him I was full of anxiety and that I wasn't coping well. I feel like I need to know every little detail to put it to bed and my husband says I know everything. He hates to sit with me and answer questions, and can't understand why I just can't get over it and move on. The counselor said that my husband could essentially choose whether or not to answer me. He's a good counselor, but I'm frustrated that he isn't telling my husband that he should sit with me, no matter how difficult, and answer my questions until I stop asking.
My husband has a job where he travels a lot of the time. He's been out of town; returned 1:30 a.m. this morning. We were in bed together this morning, and as much as I tried to stop myself, I began asking questions about the stripper . . . "do her boobs feel like mine" etc. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't even nurture him the way I know he wanted to be nurtured. And, of course this upset him since we haven't seen each other in several days. He's in town the rest of this week, then out of town for the rest of March. So I need to be on my best behavior this week to keep him engaged in the relationship.
My question is this; how do I get the visions of him flirting with other women, touching other women, having drinks and good conversation with other women out of my head? It's like I'm obsessed or something and it is ruining our limited time together.
I told him that I am grieving and that I don't feel like things are ok, yet if I put all kinds of stress on him (as I've been doing through my actions and words) I'll continue to drive him away. He told me over the weekend that my behavior was driving him away.
I found this web site yesterday and have really enjoyed it. I want badly to salvage the relationship. We have a lot of good reasons to stay together and I want to work it out and get the relationship back on course.
Another question . . . His best recreational times are spent with other people. The nature of his job is to wine & dine people so he spends a lot of time in restaurants, bars, at conventions etc. with other people. We have kids so our existence together is more routine. He thinks I'm boring and no fun . . .yet he never asks me out. It's too big of a hassle with the kids - and because he goes out all the time . . . when he's home - he likes to be home.
Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!
