First of all, I've become the queen of snooping and discovered HUGE amounts of info on my WS. We're not in counseling yet, but plan to start soon. WS just got back from a year overseas in January and reported to another state less than two weeks ago. Our son and I will be joining him up there next month. I have managed to find out about at least two, probably three OW, over the last two years. He is in the military and has been gone for the majority of the last five years. I confronted him about a month ago in a calm way. I had enough facts that he couldn't deny the affairs, but did lie about what the parts he thought I didn't know. He claimed these women knew he was married. I have had conversations via email and phone with two of the women. Their stories are very similar. He told them he was divorced, and we were only married for six months. It was very interesting when I talked to 1st OW (to my knowledge). During the discussion, he had told me that he almost left me for this one. However, when I told her this she was amazed. Only spent a total of nine days with him, only had sex with him once, then she broke it off when he finally told her he had two ex-wives and a son. (I am his second wife.) He hadn't even told her that much the beginning of the relationship. She felt he was too dishonest to continue to date. She has better instincts than I do. Was him telling me that he almost left me for her a defense mechanism of some sort?

My next question is what sort of pattern this is. I've seen WS "styles" classified as passionate affairs, one night stands, sex addicts, etc. Nothing for a few short term relationships. I'm of the understanding that knowing what sort of cheater he is gives a clearer view of how to handle it. I'm further confused that he told all of his social circle during the year overseas that he was divorced. Last I checked, there was no shortage of OW willing to have As with married men. And I do take that lie as proof that he went over planning on having an A. Why lie? I did commit a LB and made him email some friends in that circle to tell them the truth about how we were always married. In an odd sort of way, that lie bothered me more than the As. I feel like the marriage license must have small print that says "Valid only in the U.S."

During the conversation with OW#1, I also discovered that WS's buddy played out the same line with OW's friend. We have had dinner with the buddy and his wife and been to their house. Should I tell the wife? If I were her, I'd want to know, but I am the queen of snooping.

I am hopeful that we can work things out, as he is a wonderful husband and father when he's home. I'm just so darned confused by the situation and going a bit nuts until we can get into counseling. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dobie,

I'm assuming that your H is military, based on the things you are saying. I can only offer my love and support for you. My H was USMC for 26 years, I saw guys go overseas year after year, have affairs while they were gone. Unfortunately, in most cases absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Also, the peer pressure to engage in As is tremendous with these guys. MC is the first way to go, second is to seek support from other Ws that are having similar experiences. When your H is away, keep in contact with letters, videos, phone calls, pictures. Some of the men feel very abandoned when they are alone in the field.

You have my support and the support of many of the other spouses at your base. Use that support to the fullest.

Read everything here. It's great stuff.

Kim,

Thanks for the reply. I was active duty myself once, and I do know how those guys can be. "What happens at sea, stays at sea." Just never thought it would happen to me. Next month I'm moving in at his new duty station which should be for four years of shore duty. Having talked to some friends in the same situation, we're convinced there's an underground manual on having affairs. Correct things to tell the wife, the OW, etc. I know how some of the guys can be, and it's pretty appalling. They really think that what the wife doesn't know, doesn't hurt her. I guess one of my big hurts right now is that I don't believe he'd ever regret the As unless I found out. As if the cruel way he treated me when he came home after the first A had nothing to do with the fact that he was infatuated with her. At least I understand why he was that way now.

Right now I'm taking a middle ground with his buddy's A. I'm going to contact him and let him know that they're not as smart as they think they are, and it's going to hurt his W eventually. I don't think it'll do any good, but I have to try. I'm still amazed that they're willing to risk their careers, financial stability, our health, their children's happiness and security, and the marriage to have a brief fling. And go out in herds looking for these flings. The thought process is so far south of their brain.

This place has been a godsend.

Dobie,

Just hang in there an go get some help to save your marriage. I've seen many recover from affairs, some so horrific that you wonder if the BS is crazy to take WS back!! Stay focused on what you need to do to save it, try to stay out of the "gossip loop" that is present on every base and FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!!

Thanks for reminding me about the gossip loop. We'll be in base housing, so that's a big issue.

Perhaps this should be in another thread but here's my latest paradox.

- I truly believe that he would step in front of a bullet to save my life.
- I also believe he would donate a kidney to me without hesitation.
- I believe that if I was hurt by someone else, he would furious.
- But I do not believe that he can be away from me for any length of time without engaging in behavoir that sticks a knife in my heart.

As for telling: Wouldn't you want to know, if the roles were reversed?

I don't know her well enough to know if she would want to know. I'll also admit to having the cowardly fear that if I tell her, her husband will gripe to my husband and they'll start going into a male bonding support mode. "Us against them." After all, they were partners in crime before and supported each other's infidelities.

I'm scared, hurt, angry, and confused. Can't even define the rest of the emotions I'm in. I'm not confident that I'm in the right mindset to make a decision on informing her yet. Not even 100% sure that my own need to know hasn't done more harm than good. Logically, I know that I can't fix something unless I know it's broken. Emotionally, I found out, it hurts, and I just want it all to go back to where I thought it was before.

Mood swings lately have been terrible. I could probably post again in half an hour with a whole different opinion on this.

I do have another question. I promised my WS before he headed to his next station that I would try my level best not to discuss this until we get into MC together there. Our discussions were pretty one-sided and just frustrating both of us. I felt more like I was conducting an interrogation, no matter how hard I tried to be gentle. I also asked him to start counseling on his own before I arrive. It's been almost two weeks since he left. Would asking him if he's checking into counseling be considered a breech of that agreement? Would it be wiser to see if he takes any initiative on his own? Quite honestly, I don't think he will start any counseling until I push the issue. It's one of those hot buttons for me. I'm researching ways to recover, wanting MC, reassuring him that I'm willing to give him a shot at earning my trust back, and dealing with my pain. He says he's afraid of losing me and our family, but doesn't seem to be doing a damned thing to fix it unless I demand it. His latest comment is that he'd like a double ceremony when his aunt and uncle renew their vows this fall. I'm not even willing to consider that unless I'm certain he's committed to making it work. AAAARRRGGGG!

I have another question about fidelity contracts, but I think I'll post it on the recovery board as I feel as if it belongs there.

Thanks again to you and to this board for listening to me vent.