I have been fighting for my marriage for so long, and I am frustrated!! As you can see from my profile, we have had multiple d-days. WH would never admit to anything unless I had physical proof. Still stands by some of his lies. After I told him to leave, and disclosed the A for the first time to the children and a couple of close friends, he was devastated. I believed he was ready to make an honest effort at our marriange, and took him back.

Things are better. We spend more time together doing things we both enjoy. However, I am unable to get anywhere near what I consider emotional intimacy, and I feel very lonely. I have told him so. Whenever I try to have a serious conversation about my feelings, or try to get to his, it feels like love-busting. I don't accuse, yell or call him names, yet he gets very defensive and closed off. Is this a side effect of guilt/shame? How do we get past it? I need to talk about some of these things!

Without emotional closeness and honesty, I have a harder and harder time dealing with lingering suspicions. He has been unemployed for over a year, and has lots of time and opportunity to deceive me. He has been such a skillful lier in the past--to the point of looking me in the eye every morning and saying he would tell me if he had any contact with OW!

He keeps telling me that time will take care of my mistrust. Alternatively, he tells me he is afraid he has done so much damage that I will never regain trust.

Frankly, in our 29 years together, he has never been really good at expressing his feelings. Am I expecting too much now? Or should he be willing to work harder at it as a sign of good faith that he is willing to work at making our marriage better?

I really feel like giving up...

Seems like we have the same problem. My Husband had an affair for 6 years. It was long distance but he saw her about every other month, lots of phone calls, cards etc. He took off and left me, moved to be closer to her then decided he wanted me back. We have been together for 9 months now. He has been kind and loving but I want to talk about the affair. He wants to keep it all buried. And he was the one who said the reason he had the affair was because we didn't communicate. How do we bring up our feelings of mistrust and fear of them leaving us again, when they don't want to talk about it. I do think they are embarassed and feel shame for what they did. But WHY???can't they let us talk about it. I feel we need to express ourselves and ask questions till we feel comfortable with the answers.

Do you think we will ever trust again? I found out about his affair with his old high school girl friend and have pretty much come to terms with it. But I have a feeling there have been many others. I asked him the other night if there were others, his response was "let the past stay in the past and I am not going to address the question" Now I beleive more then ever there are others. I don't know if I am being morbid but I need to know who, when and why. I beleive once I know I will be able to move on with my healing process. I hate the fact I can not trust him. If he goes to the store and takes longer then I think he should I wonder is he calling her or are they meeting somewhere - maybe I haven't really come to terms with it. I showed him the radical honest princples and he said that the whole idea made him very uncomfortable so I wrote an agreement based on the those princples that would make it safe for him to disclose all past affairs. He said it made him more comfortable but has yet to sign it or talk to me. One problem is he will not tell me his real feelings about anything the only answers I get from him is what he thinks I want to hear. And if it is really an uncomfortable subject he shuts down all together. All I want to do is be able to trust him again as much as I love him.

<small>[ March 16, 2003, 02:21 AM: Message edited by: KLC ]</small>