I learned about this site two days ago, read ENs and some articles and some threads...

And don't know what is the most important to tell you, to get some answers...

Sat, Mar 15/03 I found out he was out with OW, although I've suspected it (his A) for a longer time.
He denies... lies... "no other woman, no affair, nothing to end"...
I took our 17 months son and left the house the same (Sun) morning... saying to him - I'll see you next time when you are ready to tell me truth... I was fed up with his lies...

The next day(s) I explored... found a person who saw them in the restaurant... and let my "H" (common-law) know that I'm not bluffing... he said it was just a stupid evening... doesn't tell me her name, denies there is an A at all...

We exchange Emails, 1-3 per day; he wants me back home and our son, to try to rebuild our relationship and grow together.
I told him - I cannot before he REALLY decides if he is going to be a FAMILY man or free (and that he cannot have both, at least not with me!)

Now I'm waiting for his 'decision'; it doesn't seem he rushes with...

Was thinking a lot about us these days... his mistakes, mine... and so many lies of his I knew or just felt them... not only about OW, but - in general!
Also, about me, months and months being neglected as a Woman... and as a reaction on his behavior almost from the beginning, he didn't get his ENs from me neither...
Let's say - our guilt is 50/50

What's now?
I'm hurt, humiliated, sad and unhappy till the bottom, but cannot afford going back to him before I can at least hope he is going to be sincere and work with me to resolve the problems we had had...

How long shall I wait for his decision?

I could forgive having A (OW is not important, sex 'an passant' wouldn't be a reason to give up my family...), but - what hurt me most is that he waits and don't fight (for me/us), acting like I insulted him!, and I left the home and he's just a normal guy!, acting he needs MY! comfort and reassurance that WE are going to be fine... and not rushing to tell me the truth so we can talk what we should do for us (either way)...

Or, guess - the decision he knows he has to make is so difficult?

He visited our son (at my parents place) three times for last 10 days (one hour each time)... I was out, avoiding him... It doesn’t surprise me - he never wanted to spend more time with him...

He is 50, I'm 43, and 2 yr. lived together...
No other kids of ours...

Well... I skipped "Plan A" and - am I in "B" and...

where am I at all?

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

Oof. BelongingToNowhere, you've got a tough situation, there. Sounds to me like you're full-on in Plan B, but then again, what do I know?

It's incredibly hard to put down the anger and hurt long enough to be able to think even a little rationally about things, but it's really important that you try to.

Go read what the web site says about Plan B, and go grab Surviving an Affair. Read up on what John39 will soon post from his tag ling, and read up on everything else you can about living through this.

Go for a long walk or three or four. Write down all the things that you love about your husband. Write down all the things he does that make you crazy and hurt.

Find out if he really wants you to come home. Look him in the eyes when you do it. Find out if he's ready to work on your relationship, and to be honest about it.

If he is, take the plunge and -do- it. It's a long, long, hard road you're going to walk.

And find yourself a reallyreally good counselor!

Click on the link in my signature line. You are really between Plan A and B - you need to decide which one to do. A counselor may help you decide.

Thank you, J!
Yes, I have to see if he really wants me back (or it's just more convenient for him...) Looking at his eyes won't help me..... but I always could relay on my intuition/gut/instinct... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Then to make next steps...

John, thank you for links; I've read most of it already...
I asked him without anger or disrespect to decide where and with who he wants to be. I said we'd stay friends anyhow, because we have a child and I want him to have a good relationship with him, if possible (for child's sake!!)

I guess I stay with Plan B - If now I go back to him without knowing he's ready to work HONESTLY on our relationship, everything will be the same, and he&#8217;ll behave as before...

Writing this I got this message from him:
"Hoping you will listen, I will try again to explain.
I am very sorry for what happened and accept blame.
At the same time, I am sure you believe that the situation is worse than it
really is.
I don't have relationship with anybody, neither before nor after that Saturday.
There is nobody to "break up" with."

Well... I don't trust him...

Should I insist to know her name? To find out who she is? (To confirm he says truth...)