How much information does/should the BS need to know from the WSabout the A? I know why it happended, is this enough? Do need to know when and where and how long its been going on? What good will details and details do? Isn't this just inviting more pain or I am avoiding some need truth?

<small>[ May 08, 2003, 04:49 AM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

hi there,
I think we are all different when it comes to how much details we want about the A. Like you say, the more important things to focus on are the 'why' it happened and re-building the marriage.

I am the obsessive type. I wanted to know everything, gory details etc. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier if I only knew the basic facts. It's hard when you know so much, not to have the images/movies in your head. But if you didn't know, curiosity could make you imagine worse than what happened.

I think alot of us are trying to work out a 'damage assesment' as to exactly what was involved, and also trying to 'compare' what OP had we didn't. Self esteem issues were involved for me.

I would say, if you can cope with the basic whys etc, and you have no niggling questions in the back of your head, then you may know enough.

I think another reason I wanted to know was to ensure EVERYTHING was covered, and I wouldn't have to go back to it again for details.

good luck, ad x

Jo,

I don't know which side of the fence you are asking from. As a WS, I guess you would be reluctant to tell all. As a BS - me - I wanted to know everything. I wanted it all out on the table. I wanted to learn as much as possible, because my immagination could be much worse than the truth, and also I wanted to know which EN's the OM filled because I planned to fill them instead and move him right out of the picture.

Were were being coached by Jennifer at the time, and she recommended that we set aside one afternoon about two days after D-day to review all of this. To let me ask questions, and wife to answer truthfully. And then, hopefully, never revisit this.

I prepared a list of questions beforehand. We met at a park, with no one else around. We talked for a couple of hours. In the year and a half since, there have only been two questions that I had to ask because I didn't cover it in our meeting. But mostly, it has been put behind us.

I gave my wife the list of questions the day before, so she could prepare her thoughts. Here's what I asked. Worked for me, but you have to be the ultimate judge:

----------------------

Overall, I want to know every detail of your relationship, in the order that it happened. Radical honesty. I will try to be attentive, capture it all, so that hopefully nothing needs to be repeated or asked twice. I don’t want to have to wonder what happened when and where. This is NOT meant to be cruel to you, but instead a part of my healing process, and need to know. Don’t hold anything back from me, whether you believe it will hurt me or not. To tell everything will allow me to put the past to rest, and not come back to it again, and let us get on with our new marriage and life together.

Questions

When

1. When did the affair start?
2. When did the affair progress to sex? I suspected <event> 1999, at the time.
3. How often do you talk or email each other?

Where

1. Where did it occur? In chronological order, with each encounter.
2. Were there times you were together other than trips I was with you?
3. Did you have sex in our house?

What

1. This is most important to me: what emotional needs did he meet? Also, I would like to know what he met in the beginning, and whether this changed with time, especially during my change period (lets call it Plan A). And what he met in the last few weeks.
2. What were your plans together? Did OM have plans to leave OM’s Wife and marry you? Was this your thought/motivation when we were living apart?
3. Was <an event we were planning to attend> planned to be together? Or anything else this year for that matter?
4. Did you have protected sex? Have you been tested for STD’s?
5. Second in importance. What needs did he do an exceptional job of meeting, that you wish I could “do like him”?
6. Was the sex better, worse, why? I suspect I will take a while to get over the likely comparison.

Why

1. I know why it started. I share responsibility.
2. Why did it progress to sex – your desire or his?
3. Why did it end?
4. Should I trust you now? I have always in the past, and find the need to check your emails and voicemail unnerving, but don’t want to allow the affair to continue.

Who

1. Who knows about this, other than OM? Any of my other friends? OM’s Wife?
2. Is OM the only one you’ve had an affair with?
3. Did <our previous Counselor> know about this? It would explain some things she asked me.

First, as Angel stated, it depends on the individual. There is alot written about what men want to know about (sex) and what woman want to know about (emotions). I have to say I asked a lot of questions my wife was very hesitant to answer beacuse it angered me and triggered other emotions. It was only last week that we sat down after 1.5 years since the affir ended with unlimited time and my list of 53 questions (very similiar to persistent's list) and found out more than before, because WE were communicating and my wife and I knew it would bring some closure, which it has. There is also another reason to do this...you find out and now your wife knows you know, just how the affair operated. It also de-fantasizes the experience for the wayward spouse beacuse you now know all the "fanatsy" behind the affair.

Persistant, you are very persistant! What a load of questions I could ask. I am up to a few but really don't wish to know details. I've asked WS several times if OM's wife knows about the A and get no response. I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell her. Or give OM a dead line to tell her. Which is best?

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>

Joquin,

How much information depends upon what you are comfortable not knowing.

I want details, I have accepted I will not get details. (Honestly, he probably does not know details, he should). He can't keep stuff straight with us, how can I expect him to keep stuff straight with his A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Jo,

I guess I don't fully understand your question about telling. I think the Harleys would say that if the affair were still going on, and your wife was not willing to end it, then you should tell the world about it. Everyone. Get it out in the open, and away from the secrecy and excitement of that.

In my own situation, I was somewhat challenged. My wife ended it, but saw any attempt by me to notify OM's wife as just hatred and Love Busting. Jennifer didn't like not telling OM's wife, but said we should live with it as long as my wife vowed and held to no contact. As my wife saw it, it was a test for both me and her. Her to avoid contact, and me to protect OM, as well as her. Yes, it sucked. OM is now divorced though, so I guess the outcome isn't probably any different.

P

This has been the 4th A over 24 years that I know about. I believe WS has a serious character flaw. She blames me for the problems in our marriage with some truth. I am a passively dependent H. Thinking that I love her SO much that I can't live without her. I feel I've trapped her in this relationship and her A's are the only way out.

Now trying to change my life so she has total freedom financially and in others ways so she doesn't feel trapped.

I'm concentrating on myself trying to understand why I need someone that lies to me, cheats on me and blames me for our problems so much. When I found out about the A, I asked her to leave for 6 months. A week later I asked her to stay here. What a weasel. At this point I don't even know if I want to save the marriage it has so neglected over the years. Any advice?

<small>[ May 11, 2003, 04:38 AM: Message edited by: Joquin1 ]</small>