I just found out 12 days ago that my husband of 8 years was having an affair. These 12 days have been the worst and best of my life all at the same time....I always thought we had a good marriage, that we were just in what I called "the comfort zone". We didn't fight or argue, and even though I missed the romance of the early days, I just thought that it was normal I guess, and didn't worry about it to much. She lives in another state, five hours away, so I don't have the fear of him sneaking off to still see her. He has been absolutely wonderful since it has all come out. I feel more in love with him than ever....I guess I took him for granted and never stopped to think about life without him.
He met her in a game room online and it snowballed from there. They have met 6 times over the last monthes. I don't believe he was looking for an affair, but this woman filled a need in him I wasn't filling. While she was emailing him telling him how wonderful he was, I was emailing asking if he could fix the drier when he got home. Looking back now, I can't believe how stupid I was not to see that something was missing. He ended it with her immediately. He says he had been wanting to for a while, but was in so far he didn't know how to get out of it without hurting her and was afraid I would find out. He says it's a relief to be out of it now, that the guilt was eating at him. The affair is NOT my fault, but I feel like it is both our faults that our marriage got into a position that one of us would be vulnerable to an affair. We have been up talking every night til midnight or after, and I didn't realize until now how we hadn't talked in months. Oh, we talked...about kids, jobs, bills....but not about us and how we felt. We were both always afraid of hurting the others feelings, and just told the other what they wanted to hear I think. I wanted more affection and attention, but didn't want to ask for it. And he needed to feel more needed and loved but was afraid to talk to me about it. Looking back now, isn't that crazy! We didn't want to hurt each others feelings, and now look at the hurt we are facing!! It's eating him up to see how hurt I am, and it's eating me up have to live with what he did. I love him with all my heart....he's my best friend. I just can't believe this happened to us. I wake up every morning and it hits me all over again. I feel like I can forgive him eventually, that we understand how it led to this and can deal with it. What I'm so scared of I guess is having to have this picture of him with her in my head. How can I get rid of it??? It just stabs me every time I think of it. I think eventually this is something that is going to make our marriage better than it ever was, like we needed a big shock to wake us both up. But I just don't know how to deal with the picture of him and her together.

I can't believe what I just read. I think I wrote those exact words! I have recently thought those exact thoughts--exactly. It's uncanny. Please, if you have time, read my post called Is it too soon for these feelings to go away, or something like that from May 13 under Just Found Out or In Recovery. I am blown away with what you said.
We, too, are experiencing a new level of our relationship with an openness and trust that had never been there. When I saw my H flirting with this girl last June (long before anything started), I didn't say anything to him, because I didn't want to come across as the jealous wife and didn't want him to get mad. Now look what we're faced with.

He sent me an email a little while ago saying, "Everything is going to be great. Let it go." He wants so much for me to be able to dismiss it and move forward. As much as I want to also (since it does absolutely NO good to wallow in the pain of the past), just like you said, I keep getting the images of them together. That KILLS me! Even this morning when he called me and said beautiful, sexy compliments to me, my first thought was, "Is that we he used to say to her on the cell phone early in the mornings after they had been together?" Oh God, I just can't believe it happened either. When I can get to a happy place, everything is good. I had to leave the house today to go see my MC, because I was going nutz here at home. My MC is more into my dealing with the memories "working thru" the pain rather than trying to focus on the bright side. He's afraid they'll resurface if I don't deal with it now, but I'm sick of dealing with it. It's been ten weeks since I found out; March 6 when my life turned upside down. I am still in total shock. I don't have anyone to talk to about it except two sisters and a MC. I would rather die than anyone else I know to find out about it! Like you, we had a good marriage; at least that's what we thought it was. We never fight. What I mistook for Dr. Phil's rendition of a 'comfortable place to fall', my H viewed as boring. True, there were days when he'd come home from work and I would still be in pjs after having washed 200 loads of clothes or whatever. Not now, I make it a point to get dolled up JUST for him before he gets home. He definitely noticed a difference. It made me feel better too.

Someone on my post yesterday said to try to think of something more recent when you get those images in your head. I've been trying several differnt things. One thing that really pisses me off is to think that this little tramp has this control on me that she doesn't even know or want, and my life and world is much bigger than her and this thing in the past. Like a hangnail, why something like that can hurt so much. I don't want to give her that power but my thinking those thoughts is allowing that to happen.

I don't know if you asked for all the details. I asked for some for whatever reason. He would reluctantly tell me things I asked, but then when I'd heard enough, I'd stop him. Sometimes I think that hurts worse knowing them, but then we could be romanticing what really happened bigger than it was. On the other hand, they probably pulled no stops and did all their tricks, so to speak, when given the opportunity. I've told my H how much that part hurts, and he says he wishes he could take it back, but he can't change what happened. That's why we have to face forward, but it doesn't make that pain any easier. kng, I don't know what to tell you other than it sounds like we are sitting in the same row boat. Never in my life did I think I'd be dealing with this. It's robbing me of so much time, energy, and Kleenex! If you come up with anything, let me know if it works. Thanks and best wishes to you both.

hi kng,
i am sorry for your pain. The road to recovery is very long and hard. But, it sounds like you are making great progress.

I also have found a new closeness with my H since dday. It's abit like 'falling in love' all over again, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> noticing things that you hadn't in ages. Of course, there are also the bad days. Anger, pain, vivid images of PA's. I found this the worst part, and they still linger around, but not nearly as much or as painful.

I posted about this a while back and someone suggested when the movies in your head occur, picture OW and WH with donkeys heads!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I try when this happens to think about the future and how it could be, or like WOW said, good recent things between you both.

I am a few months into recovery, and it does get easier with time. I read somewhere it takes 1-2 years minimum to recover fully. Remembering this helps me realise my progress is normal and i'm not going crazy!

A crisis like this, although we would never ever CHOOSE it, can really be a wake up call.

Hang in there and take care, ad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kng357:
<strong>I just found out 12 days ago that my husband of 8 years was having an affair. These 12 days have been the worst and best of my life all at the same time....I always thought we had a good marriage, that we were just in what I called "the comfort zone". We didn't fight or argue, and even though I missed the romance of the early days, I just thought that it was normal I guess, and didn't worry about it to much. She lives in another state, five hours away, so I don't have the fear of him sneaking off to still see her. He has been absolutely wonderful since it has all come out. I feel more in love with him than ever....I guess I took him for granted and never stopped to think about life without him.
He met her in a game room online and it snowballed from there. They have met 6 times over the last monthes. I don't believe he was looking for an affair, but this woman filled a need in him I wasn't filling. While she was emailing him telling him how wonderful he was, I was emailing asking if he could fix the drier when he got home. Looking back now, I can't believe how stupid I was not to see that something was missing. He ended it with her immediately. He says he had been wanting to for a while, but was in so far he didn't know how to get out of it without hurting her and was afraid I would find out. He says it's a relief to be out of it now, that the guilt was eating at him. The affair is NOT my fault, but I feel like it is both our faults that our marriage got into a position that one of us would be vulnerable to an affair. We have been up talking every night til midnight or after, and I didn't realize until now how we hadn't talked in months. Oh, we talked...about kids, jobs, bills....but not about us and how we felt. We were both always afraid of hurting the others feelings, and just told the other what they wanted to hear I think. I wanted more affection and attention, but didn't want to ask for it. And he needed to feel more needed and loved but was afraid to talk to me about it. Looking back now, isn't that crazy! We didn't want to hurt each others feelings, and now look at the hurt we are facing!! It's eating him up to see how hurt I am, and it's eating me up have to live with what he did. I love him with all my heart....he's my best friend. I just can't believe this happened to us. I wake up every morning and it hits me all over again. I feel like I can forgive him eventually, that we understand how it led to this and can deal with it. What I'm so scared of I guess is having to have this picture of him with her in my head. How can I get rid of it??? It just stabs me every time I think of it. I think eventually this is something that is going to make our marriage better than it ever was, like we needed a big shock to wake us both up. But I just don't know how to deal with the picture of him and her together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by billibob:ive tried everything nothing helps with the images I just keep telling myself you cant go back in time and change what has happened ,but you can start from now and make a brand new end
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kng357:
<strong>I just found out 12 days ago that my husband of 8 years was having an affair. These 12 days have been the worst and best of my life all at the same time....I always thought we had a good marriage, that we were just in what I called "the comfort zone". We didn't fight or argue, and even though I missed the romance of the early days, I just thought that it was normal I guess, and didn't worry about it to much. She lives in another state, five hours away, so I don't have the fear of him sneaking off to still see her. He has been absolutely wonderful since it has all come out. I feel more in love with him than ever....I guess I took him for granted and never stopped to think about life without him.
He met her in a game room online and it snowballed from there. They have met 6 times over the last monthes. I don't believe he was looking for an affair, but this woman filled a need in him I wasn't filling. While she was emailing him telling him how wonderful he was, I was emailing asking if he could fix the drier when he got home. Looking back now, I can't believe how stupid I was not to see that something was missing. He ended it with her immediately. He says he had been wanting to for a while, but was in so far he didn't know how to get out of it without hurting her and was afraid I would find out. He says it's a relief to be out of it now, that the guilt was eating at him. The affair is NOT my fault, but I feel like it is both our faults that our marriage got into a position that one of us would be vulnerable to an affair. We have been up talking every night til midnight or after, and I didn't realize until now how we hadn't talked in months. Oh, we talked...about kids, jobs, bills....but not about us and how we felt. We were both always afraid of hurting the others feelings, and just told the other what they wanted to hear I think. I wanted more affection and attention, but didn't want to ask for it. And he needed to feel more needed and loved but was afraid to talk to me about it. Looking back now, isn't that crazy! We didn't want to hurt each others feelings, and now look at the hurt we are facing!! It's eating him up to see how hurt I am, and it's eating me up have to live with what he did. I love him with all my heart....he's my best friend. I just can't believe this happened to us. I wake up every morning and it hits me all over again. I feel like I can forgive him eventually, that we understand how it led to this and can deal with it. What I'm so scared of I guess is having to have this picture of him with her in my head. How can I get rid of it??? It just stabs me every time I think of it. I think eventually this is something that is going to make our marriage better than it ever was, like we needed a big shock to wake us both up. But I just don't know how to deal with the picture of him and her together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

kng357.

JakeB here.

First, I am sorry that this has happened to you. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

I have recently gone through something so similar, apart from the time frame of the affair, I could have written your post.

I know the pain you're in and can empathise with you greatly. My wife could empathise with your husband too. We have also been up to the wee hours sharing a connection that we both thought was lost years ago. Its a really neat feeling, but oh, the pain to get here!

I have only been living with this myself for about three weeks now, and I deeply understand your problem with the images in you head. I have really good days where I'm strong and can see past it into the future - a future with my beautiful wife at my side. And then there are the days that its just too powerful - when the disbelief and denial take over, and I can see them together. Its horrible. I also know this: only time can take the edge off.

My personal plan for dealing with this is to make so many GOOD memories that the bad images eventually go away. I don't know if it will work, but I'm going to try like heck anyway. And if they won't go away, at least they'll pale in comparison.

Right now, I feel so not like giving anyone advice. I really don't have the self-confidence anymore, but if I could offer this: Take it one day at a time, and reach out to him more and more. Share the burden with him, and if you are a detail person, like me, make your husband tell you everything you want to know. If you don't like the details, don't ask. But BE TOGETHER.

And when you feel like the images are too much, TALK TO HIM. Don't use LoveBusters(See Surviving An Affair and Love Busters by Dr. Harley,) but do try to express what you're feeling, and encourage him to do the same.

And most of all, GOOD LUCK. My thought and prayers are with you. Jake

Thanks so much for all your responses! It helps so much to hear from others sharing the same pain. Today is a good day, I am looking to the future. I keep reminding myself...they had approx. 12 days together over six months, I've had over 3000!!! They don't know each other! My H has been wonderful...don't know what else he could have done so far to make this easier. I asked for details and got them...some made it better, some not, but I think for me the curiosity would have been worse. I'm lucky aslo in that my parents went thru a similar situation almost 20 years ago and they will both tell you that's it's one of the best things that ever happened to their marriage. I know it will just take time, but somedays I wish we could just jump a couple years into the future when this will seem more distant. I have always been one to believe that god has a reason for everything that happens...be it good or bad. So I'm trying hard to use that here, and already am reaping benefits from this tragedy....I am committed to making this work, and am trying to look at the positives. I feel close to my H than ever, we have fallin in love all over again!!
Might sound silly, but I even made a cheat sheet for myself. When the thoughts and images get bad, I pull out my reminder list of all the good things that have happened since. And I must say, we have had the most intense, amazing sex ever since this has happened. Is that weird? Anyway, thanks again for your encouragement. It helps so much not to feel alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />