Over the last few weeks I have noticed changes in his openess. He hid a chat screen when I walked in the room. I thought nothing of it at the time because he chats with our friends sometimes, but he acted as if I had bothered him and he couldn't continue until I left. Then last night I was looking through the internet history and found an adult personals. He said that he wanted to try something different with me, an extra person, he knows that I wont. There were a few "we" words in there, but as I looked further it also said "one on one" and "discreet". It also had his work e-mail. He acted nervous when I was asking him about it. This morning I looked into the history again and everything had been cleared, cookies and everything. I asked him if he did nothing wrong then why is he erasing everything. He said that I am paranoid. I know I shouldn't be snooping, I should trust him, but how am I suppose to do that? Please help me, I really love him and don't want to believe my suspicions. I even mentioned to him last week that I felt we were drifting apart and wanted to take up a hobbie together and he blew it off. Am I being paranoid?
In Response for more info:
We have been M for 6yrs and 10m
I am not sure what type of M you mean
Last summer he I bought him a camera because he like to shoot, then he took pictures of a woman, he said it was "art and nothing happened", we worked through that, but I am guessing that we didn't get to the real problem
When we talk about trying different things I am willing, as long as it is just us, he says that it is just a fantasy.
There is a lot of helpful support that I have seen so far, it's just a matter of getting through it all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: unsureofthetruth ]</small>

Please give us more of your story. How long have you been M? What type of M do you have? Do you have children? Have there been other signs that your H has had or thinking about an A? Did you ask him why he wanted to experiment? Please read everything you can find on this site and then sit down and talk to your H, try to sort out what's going on with him.

Best Wishes.

Unsure --

Welcome to MB. You've found a very supportive place and we'll help you all we can.

People who have nothing to hide don't need to hide anything. Covering up the screen and erasing cookies and histories doesn't add up to innocence and healthy marital activities.

You are NOT paranoid. You are properly suspicious and actively wary. Your reactions to H's behavior are normal and sound and smart. You KNOW that something's amiss--why you've posted here--and you don't like what you're seeing or feeling.

Know that what you're doing is not snooping--around here we call it Basic Research. Forewarned is forearmed. You are simply protecting yourself and your relationship. In a healthy marriage, trust is an ever-present and vital, functioning component. When one partner raises doubt, the other (you) are wise to gather as much information as you can.

I agree with FT. Sit down with your H, sooner rather than later, and lay it all out. It's common for the accused to call the other paranoid and to attempt to rationalize and explain. Anger ("how dare you accuse me?") is also a typical reaction. Be as calm and rational as possible. Even if this is all somehow "explainable," you're not comfortable with what he's doing and how insecure it makes you feel. That in itself is worthy of a heart-to-heart talk. Things just aren't right.

Please post again and fill us in a bit more on your situation. Keep us in the loop. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,My stomache sank when I read your reply. While we were talking last night, he tried to explain, then anger, pass it off on his friend "I did it for him", after that reason, today it is compassion and concern. I am still angry this morning, but I am trying to keep my composure, it doesn't do either of us any good if I start yelling. I will keep you posted how things progress.
Unsure

Unsure...you've got every right to be suspicious...the red flags are flying.

The fact that he has discussed wanting a "third" involved says he's looking for something "more". Now this in itself isn't such a large red flag, as we often in marriages after a few years, want something to "spice" things up. And it's good that he did talk to you...that shows you have created a good environment in the marriage for the two of you to talk.

HOWEVER...he went onto an internet "dating" site and didn't inform you. He's chatting with "someone" and hiding it...there is a reason he's hiding what he is doing. Now it could be fear of your reaction, it could be because he already knows he's in the wrong, it could be stupidity.

The misdirection that a WS or STBWS attempts when confronted with thier actions is NORMAL...they try their best to make the BS feel as if there is someone wrong with you, anything to get you off the track.

Snooping has a bad rep...and I think undeserved when you are talking about a married couple. You both willingly choose to share your lifes, you choose to bring another person into your life and to be honest and caring and loving.

IF one spouse is beginning to have a HIDDEN life, that is NOT a private one. There is a very large difference. jmho

You've got every reason in the world to discover what is included in your marriage.

Good Luck!

Well, H just called. This weekend he was suppose to go to Vegas with his buddies (now I am not sure how much of that was true), anyway, he said since none of them gave him a direct yes he wants me to go. I have been reading through some postings, especially from Sue with hope, and plans A/B, I want to go with him and spend some one on one time, but I don't want him to hold a resentment because he is changing his plans. If I understood it right plan A suggests not making demands, but by him changing his plans I am afraid that he might feel forced into it because of guilt, who knows which way that could go. Thank you so much MB, it is amazing how much better I feel just getting it all out! I have friends, but I want to be sure before I drag him through the mud. Thanks for the open ear.

He asked you to go (didn't have to do so), you want to go...so GO!!!!!

just a wifey,
What was I thinking?! I am going, already talked to my work and everything is settled.
Things weren't starting off well last night because I couldn't deal with my anger. During class I did some thinking and realized that I have not been paying much attention to him. Turning him down at night, working one full time job and a part time one during the week, taking a class one night a week. These were choices I made because I don't like to sit on the couch. I have squeezed our time down to two nights a week and a little time on the weekends. I think this might have been a cry for attention. I still need him to admit that he took the ad out for himself, it was not the appropriate thing to do, and that it hurt me. I have noticed in the past that if he doesn't outright call a rose a rose then in his eyes it is a petunia. I don't know if he has been in contact with anyone and I am having a hard time completely believing that this will be ok until I can know for sure.
The other thing is about this weekend. I am not sure if I should give it a rest, or should I use the long car ride to my best advantage. I have already told him that I realize that I have been neglecting his emotional and physical needs and will try to do better. But I also said that I felt my emotional needs have not been met. He just clammed up and changed the subject, but he listened while I was talking. I suppose that is a step in some direction.
I still plan on having fun and letting off a little steam this weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Unsure