Recently I returned from the war with Iraq only to discover my wife was having an affair a week prior to my homecoming. A simple week. I was suspicious that something was terribly wrong and that not everything was right back home prior to getting on the plane to fly back to the states, but I couldnt put my finger on it, and I refused to belive there was an affair because my wife just wouldnt do that to me, to us. I was wrong. Right off the plane she was late coming to met us. Everybody elses families and friends were there to greet them except mine. Right away she wanted me to go visit friends and to give her breathing space and get used to my being home again. Most military men and women have problems reintegrating with their spouses after a long hard deployment, so I wasnt all that taken back, but still pretty surprised. But I agreed and went to go see an old friend that was nearby.
The last night of the trip I felt that something was wrong and I couldnt stay away, so I rushed home in the early morning light. I think I was secretly hoping that if she was having an affair I would catch her in the act, but it was a monday and by the time I got there, the lover was long gone to work and me none the wiser.
Through out the week my wife still acted weird. When I questioned her about her friends and when I would be able to meet them, she flatly refused saying she needed to have "just her friends" and that she didnt need my seal of approval to hang out with whoever she wanted to. She also still demanded that I stay at a friends house while she still try to get used to me being home. I foolishly agreed again, wishing to make her as happy as possible so I could get back to the way things were before I left.
We set up dates and time to spend with each other so it would feel like when we were just dating, to get used to each other again. I became extreamly suspicious that she was having an affair with one of her new found friends when after a date had just started, he called and she canceled our date to spend time with him. I was furious. She stated that he had just had a bad day and just wanted to make sure he was ok. I stormed out of our apartment and went to my cousins place where I was staying. I called her a few hours later that night to ask her if it was worth it to cancel our date to spend time with him and she said no. I asked if I could spend the night there and she really refused strongly. That made me really worried. I made a date with her the next morning to watch the sunrise over the bay (something we hadnt done), and kissed her goodnight.
The next morning I went to our apartment early but sat outside it until the appointed time. Lo and behold and man steped out of our place and she kissed him goodbye while only wearing her robe. I was furious. I went up to the apartment and confronted her and the lover. She yelled at the lover to keep walking away while I yelled at her. I then left and refused any of her phone calls on my cell phone, I left a message that I wasnt ready to talk to her yet, and that I need time to cool down. Meanwhile I called her lover from a phone number I had saved off her own cell phone. He confimed that they had been sleeping together for about 2 weeks. One week before I got home and one week after.
I called my wife and she denied that anything happened, that he was just a friend that had stayed the night on the couch. I told her I talked to him and knew they had been sleeping together. She broke down and admitied it. I was so mad that I told her I didnt want to talk to her for the rest of the day and stayed away from our apartment. I went and saw our chaplin on base to see if he could help, and he said I should stay away as well. I think that was another mistake.
I went to the apartment the next morning and called her from my cell phone outside. I asked to come in and she said no, that she had friends over. I suspected her lover was there and walked in on them in bed together, him trying to hurriedly put his underware one. Two of his friends were passed out on the floor in the living room so I roused them and kicked them out.
I couldnt belive it. She slept with him again, the day after I found out. It's been about 3 weeks now since it happened, and I've forced her to stop contact with her former lover with the threat of divorcing her and never looking back. I made her leave a phone message on his cell phone saying she couldnt see or talk to him ever again. I felt like a heel for having to force her to do this, but she couldnt do it on her own will, or wouldnt.
Things are slowly getting better. I'm back in the apartment now and I do sleep in our bed. We've even managed to make love a few times. But always the affair is in the back of my mind and I cant get it out sometimes. I have trouble sleeping and sometimes my mind drifts to her and him in the act or what warning flags I missed that could of prevented it. We havnt gone to family couseling yet for a few reasons. One is that she feels she has alot of issues she needs to work out with a therapist before she can concentrate on just us, the other is that our base doesnt offer the best in couseling and sound advice.
Im afraid of us slipping back into the patterns that led up to the afair and not confronting the issues that caused it, but I also dont want to push and force her for fear of pushing her away. Im just really lost right now and I dont know what to do, can someone please help us?

Hi DP and welcome to MB,

I am sorry to hear you had to come back to this kind of problem. Here at MB we learn how to cope and help each other in addtion to MC (marriage counseling). Some of us can't have fulltime MC available so reading and posting here helps.

What your W has done is disrespectful. That probably doesn't describe it harsh enough but it is a start. Now we need to get you through this since there may be several layers of feelings you will be going through while coping and your W will be going through different stages also.

1st, read the concepts section above. Get ahold of the books, "surviving an affair" and "his needs/her needs" both are by Dr W. Harley. Then find the book, Love must be Tough by Dr James Dobson. Read and ponder..... establish your support group (chaplin, workmates, commanding officer, friends, family, neighbors.... u didn't mention children so I am not sure if you have any.....even the family pet). You need to be able to have some you can confide and bounce your thoughts off of. So it is also wise to pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

Right now you sound like you are still have a clear head but this stuff takes an emotional toll whether we admit it or not.

There are more here that can help you. Also there is an emotional questionnaire and if you can print if off and leave it for your W to take it would be good. You take it also as yourself and as your W (if she won't take it). It may be revealing.

Post back your thoughts and feelings. There are several H's here in a similar position as yourself. So you can receive posting support here. MB has helped me deal with my H's A from 3 years ago. It was horrible but I surived and he is home with our family.

One positive thing: At least the OM was willing to be honest with you. Just limit your communication with him. No need to test your temper to it's limits. Remember that this A is your W's doing also and that will be your immediate challenge.

One important item: You will find in your reading that 'educating' your W about how to end her A may not always work. Telling her what you want her to do may backfire.

What to do? Read up and post here. Let her stew in her mud for now. Until you can come up with a better plan of action and you feel stronger to deal with it on a more proactive approach.

NOTE: Battering rams don't work well in these situations but carefully planned strategies may yield an end to this nightmare.

take care,
L.

Devilpup

How long have you been married?
I take it that there are no children involved.

You couldn't even go back to your own place when you came home and you are married?!?! And she blatantly saw this guy after you came back and after you discovered the A in your own home again?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Based on what I read so far, I would follow through on the Divorce and Don't Look Back approach. She sounds extremely immature, self-centered and thoughtless. It almost comes across like you are dealing with a teenager! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

If you are not married that long and have no children, I would walk away from this now. I see the strong potential for repeats of the same actions from her in the future. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I agree with blindsided. What kind of a person could have done all of these things to you. I agree that if you do not have children you should look for another mate. The total disrespect that she has had for you is unbelievable. How do you think she would have reacted if the roles had been reversed. She couldn't wait 2 weeks before you came home from Iraq? She has sex again with her lover in your home after she gets caught? Ask yourself if you would want her to raise your children if you have them down the line. Only you know what you want to do but are you sure you wish to be with someone who has such a broken moral compass. I agree therapy and marriage counseling is a must. I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for now and in your future.

To recover adequately is not going to be easy (duh). I have no arguments with BS's or Bryan's characterization of your wife's behavior, but I have seen people who behaved worse make great changes and end up with good marriages. For some detailed advice about how to get to a recovery that will yield a great marriage for you both, and where neither of you will be likely to have an affair, click on the link in my signature line.

Dear Devilpup,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that your with a woman like the one you married. I can't believe that instead of being worried about how your doing in IRAQ, she had an affair. What a B****. I'm sorry for saying that because you still love her but think about this, Did you deserve what she has done?

I highly recommend that you stop having sexual intercouse with your W(wife). Bringing a child into your unresolved situation is a very cruel and selfish act on the part of both. Until she expresses an explicit desire towards rebuilding the M(marriage), you should hold off on the sexual intercourse.

I agree with blindsided. If you have no children, get a divorce and move on.
Michael

Hi DP,

Your story sounds so familiar to what happened to me over 15 years ago... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

YOU need to decide if you want to continue in the M with your W. If you decide to divorce her, then I don't think that anyone here will say that you made a poor decision.

I can tell you from personal experience, that it IS possible to rebuild your M. It will take alot of counseling (individual and marriage), and it will take a tremendous amount of pain and effort from BOTH of you. If your W isn't willing to do the work, then at best, you'll just end up living in the same house with no love or intimacy.

Your chaplian might not be equiped to help you, but I'm sure that he can point you to someone who can. Counseling is a must for both of you. You might also want to get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and read it with your W.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

EVERYONE knows what I will say on this forum.............................................................................................................BOUNCE!!!!

You risked your life for this country to come back to someone who could care less if you were back ALIVE or not??? Also, the dissrespect. I would have left the 2nd day myself. No kids.....move on.

DP,

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

I have lived through it all and seen it all but this is truly bad. My advice based on what you relayed to us is get out now and find someone who will really love you. You are young "don't" saddle yourself with this piece of work. If you value your own self worth then get out now. This is the type of person that will possible destroy your life over time. You fought for your country now fight for yourself. Call the boyfriend up and tell him he can have her as your gift to him.

Just because he doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean that he should leave his wife.

I just found out on April 28 that my wife was involved in a 6 week EA and a 3 week PA. It almost killed me. My wife and I are working things out, but it is not because we have kids. It is because we really love each other. A lot of things went wrong for this to happen, but it wasn’t enough for me to throw away my marriage.

Devilpup, your future is in your hands. You need to take your time and educate yourself so that you can make the best decision for yourself. If you don’t want to be married to her anymore then you don’t have to, but don’t jump to a decision you may not want to live with. Examine the situation and make the best choice for you.

One bit of advice. Make sure she wants to be married and is remorseful for what she had done. She doesn’t sound like she really cares that she was caught. You should give her a couple days to think about what she has done and decide if she wants to be married. If she does and you do then you can start the path to recover. If she doesn’t then get a divorce as fast as you can and say the hell with her.

I know how you feel right now, because I am still experiencing those feelings. I will pray for you.

@tech.

My wife is reading Torn Asunder now. It is a good book. Another one for you is “Two Becoming One” by Don and Sally Meredith. Read this book weather you get a divorce or not. If you get a divorce, it will help you in future relationships.

Hi I want to say THANK YOU for putting your life on the line for me by serving in the military.

I hope that you can resolve this real soon so it won't be a hinderance to you while serving.

I will be praying for you now that I know a name of a soldier YOU I will do that for you everyday.

please know I sympathize with you and I have no advice to offer because this is a very different situation because you will not be together so it makes it even harder..

I was a spouse of someone in the service and he was not faithful while we were engaged only I could never pinpoint the people in his life but he got an std and when he did he gave my name so I could be tested..
I was so hurt and shocked the doctor could not believe I stayed with him to marry him but I did.

things were not good the whole marriage we were married since 1961 to 2001 he passed away in sept of 01 and we were legally separated just a year before that.

It is a difficult thing to go through it rips your heart out. even when they are gone and deceased it don't make it any easier..believe me when you love someone it does not die..
even though they don;t say they don't love us and want us..we still care for them just not what they did to us..
take care and Keep On Keeping one!

Know when your wherever you get sent that when you look to the sky God is in control and is watching over you and Gods army is there angels you can't even see are there.

some people here in the states
alot of us stop one day a week and pray at 9;00 eastern time we all stop what we are doing and pray for our country and our service men..thought you would like to know that..

whatever happens please don't you do anything to harm yourself, know God is with you. Keep on Keeping on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

had to edit to fix some words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 01:24 AM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>

First, I want to say "thank you" for putting your life on the line for our country!!!

My FWH is also military... an even though he was not in Iraq, he was deployed for almost 2 months this year... I stayed at home with 2 little ones, and thought only of my H! While our soldiers are away, it is NOT time to play!!! (does your unit have a family support group?)

Only you know what is right for you. Do you love your wife? enough to fight for her? Do you think she is worth fighting for?

When my H came home, I was there waiting... ( I was actually there about 6 hours before he got home!!! preparing the welcome home party with other spouses!!!)

Please take care of yourself... you are a hero... maybe not HERS... but you are a hero!

-mc

Id like to start off by thanking everyone who replied to my posting, it means alot to see that Im not alone in this. I'll give you some updates on the current situation since I last posted.
My wife and I have decided to try and save our marriage. She's cut off all contact with the other man and isnt affiliating with any of his friends so as to avoid a chance meeting. She's going to individual counciling right now so she can work out some issues of her own as well as find out why she did have the affair in the first place. Right now she's gone home for about 3 weeks to spend time with her family (its about 5 states away) and then I'll fly home and were drive back together. Once were back here at home were start marriage counciling together while she continues to go through her own personal sessions. She realizes what shes done has hurt me more than any person has in my entire life, not even a bullet compared to the emotional pain. There are still moments of difficulty for me and her but were working through it. Thankfully we have no children and we dont plan on any for a number of years now. I've printed out the questionar forms and gave her a copy to fill out while at home. I'm filling out one as well and were exchange them once were back home.
I wont give up with-out a fight and if it doesnt work out, I'll of gone down trying. Things though look good and I have great hopes. I still am very untrustfull of her and vulnerable. Even though its through with that other guy, I'm still keeping an eye out for the next one. Something was definitly wrong in our relationship for her to suddenly have an affair and I wasnt providing her with what she thought she needed from that other guy. Were gona find out what that was and hopefully have a stronger marriage and friendship after this.
Once again, I'd like to thank everyone who replied. May the wind be at your back and the warm sun smiling on your face.
-Devilpup

There is a saying. "You have affairs then fall out of love. You don't fall ot of love then have affairs"

You need to know why she did what she did and why she did it infront of you.Why? What is it about her personality that she did'nt care "about You". This is a major Red flag and you can't live in fair because this might happen again. Be careful there is a personality flaw here and you were a victim. Will you be able to leave her for months at time and trust she will be faithful? Sometimes we think we know people especialy those we love only to to find out that we don't know them at all.
My advice is that you need to take this time to prepare yourself emotionaly and become strong. You are giving her a second chance and must be prepared to say goodby if she can't give you the answers and "actions" you need to see a life with her. By the way "Red Flags" never go away and always come back years from now to say hello.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I wont give up with-out a fight and if it doesnt work out, I'll of gone down trying. Things though look good and I have great hopes. I still am very untrustfull of her and vulnerable. Even though its through with that other guy, I'm still keeping an eye out for the next one."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree that you should do everything to try to save your M(marriage) and that's why I recommend that your read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs, Her Needs' as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's books 'Divorce Busting' and 'Divorce Remedy'. And last, but definitely NOT least, choose wisely a marriage counselor that is oriented towards saving marriages by following the MB(marriage builders) principles.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Something was definitly wrong in our relationship for her to suddenly have an affair and I wasnt providing her with what she thought she needed from that other guy."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beg to differ with you because MOST marriages have MANY things wrong with them and yet the spouses do not resort to having A(affairs) to deal with them. You and her are equally responsible for the state of your M(marriage) BUT SHE IS 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTIONS IN CHOSING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR and until she accepts this, the two of you are far from recovery.