I am really confused and I feel cheated. Is this considered cheating or do I need to get over it??

That's a great question.....the same one I asked myself when I overheard my h having phone sex. For me, walking in on that felt like cheating and I've had a lot of the feelings associated with being betrayed. And I heard my H say on the phone, "we ought to get together sometime"

My thoughts for you are this: Do NOT disregard this. It is a pretty small leap to the possibility of things moving to a physical affair.

Roberta

Monika --

Welcome to MB. I'm glad you've found us; we'll help you all we can.

Don't be confused on this. Bottom line: if you FEEL cheated by your partner's actions, then it is cheating and needs to be thoroughly discussed, certainly between you two, but perhaps with a counselor if H continues on this questionable path.

I'm not a big fan of definitions, so the idea that statements or actions have to be neatly "fit into categories" for them to be valid doesn't work for me. But in a very practical sense, time spent away from you and your relationship certainly cheats the quality of your contact, certainly takes valuable time away from meaningful interaction between you two. That time is being spent "with other women" and therefore erodes the trust and value and your bond.

If you are made uncomfortable by something your partner does or says, you owe it to your relationship to air it out with him. Don't be surprised if he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing. No matter, it's wrong for you and wrong for your relationship. So...let him know how you feel. Let him know that what he's doing hurts and threatens you. Make certain that you know that he's heard you and understands. Then if he continues, you'll know a good deal more about his commitment to you.

Would you be comfortable providing some details? Are you married? How long have you been together? Are there children? Your ages? Whatever you feel like sharing with us; the more we know, the more we can help.

Please post again and let us know what's going on. We're here for you...

Ammon

I am not sure it is cheating, but I am sure it is harmful to your marriage, and harmful to him and his sexual development. When he uses pornography, especially if he is masturbating while looking or afterwards when remembering, or if he is thinking of pornogrphic images when he is with you, he is habituating himself to sexual arousal and release without a proper "real" emotional component. Men are very susceptible to this, because the physical drive is so strong it is possible for them to have a satisfying sexual experience with a very low emotional connection to the object of desire. However, men who self-report the greatest satisfaction with their sex lives are those who have one long-term partner with whom they have a strong emotional connection, and the emotional part of sex is a significant part of their overall sexual experience. (I would argue that God designed us to function best that way, and marriage is the best place to have such a relationship, which is why God put prohibitions on other forms of sexual expression - because he wants us to reach the inborn potential that he designed within us. But whether I am right about that or not, the scientific evidence shows that sex with a high emotional content in the context of a long term relationship is the most satisfying - for men.) Pornography usage is like practicing bad sex.

If you want to learn more about this, read "The Sexual Man", by Hart. Lest you think that Hart is jsut some religious guy trying to make up scintific evidence to support his religious views, I can tell you that what I have just described matches my experience. My wife's and my sex life was awful (for both of us) until we both got in touch with the emotional side of sex. It's not awful anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . The interesting thing is that I would not have characterized it as awful at the time - it is only by comparison to what we have now that I can see how bad it was then.

Maybe! Is he doing this all the time? Is he spending more time in his "fantasy" world of Porn then he is in his true relationship or is he only visiting it occasionally? Is his use of Porn increasing so that it is intruding into the marriage? Has he turned from his real relationship to his fantasy one? Which relationship (marriage or fantasy) is he giving more attention, thought and effort on? Is his porn of choice considered soft, hard...or sick (jmho)?

I'm not a fan of porn, not even soft porn, but I do accept that men are visual creatures and do indeed enjoy "looking". However, while it can be non-threatening to the real realtionship, it can also become overwhelming and take from the real relationship/marriage.

The fact that you feel "cheated on" means that this is something you and your H need to sit down and discuss at length. There may be some "happy medium" which you both can agree upon, there may not. But you need to talk to him about how you feel about the time he is spending on viewing porn.

Good Luck!

Wow....there are some really thoughtful posts here on this problem. I find I'm still realing from my own experience, and therefore, not too very helpful to others. I'm really trying to get there, but its difficult!!!!!

I was thinking.......There are times when we give men allowance for being "visual," and therefore, wanting/needing? visual stimulation. Kind of like a "natural" thing with men.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be "emotional"....meaning they often want/need a strong emotional connection with their partner....and not only with their partner.......ever notice how women share with their female friends??? Pretty intimate.

But we certainly can't say then, that it is natural and ok for women to pursue "emotional stimulation" ...... ie...LOTS of emotional connections with other men........so it goes without saying, that we can't then say it's natural and ok for men to seek the visual stimulation of other women.

I guess I'm saying I don't tend to let men off the hook that easily when it comes to this.

Beyond that idea, my H was saying recently that a coworker doesn't have sexual relations with his wife anymore...he complains that she doen't want him anymore. He is actively checking porn sites, dating sites, etc... As my h put it, "he's exploring" and felt that if he isn't getting any, then of course that's what he will do!!!!......my comment to that was this, "then I guess he's guareenteeing that he won't have sex with her"....meaning his actions contribute and feed the problem.

What I want more than anything is clear if you look around my home.....in our bedroom is a large basket filled with massage oils, lotions, a book on passion, ect....On my nightstand are candles, books on couples sexuality, and things like that....Our bedroom is red and ivory satin.....that's where my heart is....and where my dreams for my sexual relationship with my h are.

I support anything that helps us move towards each other and not away from each other.......I think porn is not part of that equation

my 2 cents <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chris..........that link was a "goodie".....According to Harley, trying to discover whether something is cheating or an affair is..."an affective way to get lost down a path where "Left Brainers" typically dwell and where "Right Brainers" typically get offended....The bottom line to the question is, "Specifically, what was it about the inappropriate relationship that caused damage to the marriage?".......If you don't understand how or why it happened and why it hurt the spouse, the probability of it happening again is very high?

"Asking others to define the term for you is not the answer.......If you boil it all down, you are left with the fact that you both need to work together in developing a plan to prevent this "beast" from ever attacking you marriage again"