d day was a month ago. I am bs. Married 13 years, 2 kids. She says it was already over when I found out. This appears to be true. They had a quicky in a parking lot about 6 months ago, she claims that was only time because it upset her so badly. I am obsessed with knowing EVERYTHING. She gets upset and very sad when I ask for details. I want to know his name, type of car, which parking lot they did it in, position, everything. It all just runs through my mind and tortures me.

We have already seen a MC twice. WS is enthusiatic and wants to make it work and be better than ever. Is my obsessing over the details an obstacle to improving our M, or necessary step. I haven't been asking because it is such a sore topic for both. Hell, I discovered one thing about myself, I can cry.

Well, hon welcome to the site no one wants to belong to, but is a Godsend to multitudes. I'm very sorry for your pain. It does get better, but it is a hard road. You will grow A LOT, and your marriage will actually improve if you follow the advice offered on this site.
Having said all that, what you are feeling is very normal. It is important to bring this affair into the realm of your history together as a couple. These secret feelings and events are part of YOUR history too, so you have a right to gently ask your guestions and get honest answers. Her honesty is going to be a key to your marriages recovery. Try and create a safe environment for talking honestly and deeply about feelings and events...she may say some things that make you crazy, partly because it is too painful to tell the plain truth without rationalizing and sugar-coating. The truth is ugly and embarrassing. Cut her slack here even though it will be the toughest thing in the world for you to discuss this and have some compassion for her as a human being who made a terrible mistake and temporarily lost her way. Your own pain and sense of outrage and betrayal are huge right now and you will want to take care of yourself also. You will probably feel like you constantly need to check up on her to make sure she is not lying--normal and healthy part of recovering trust and a sense of what is real and what is false. So, ask questions about the details as you feel it is necessary for your recovery. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face by raging at her answers. You will be glad for your self-control later when you can look back on your conduct during this fiery trial and know you have taken the high road of absolute honesty and compassion. Your discussions can be intense, tearful, genuinely angry (the Bible says love is not EASILY angered--I think being unfaithful falls under the category where some anger is an appropriate response) etc. You will want to set aside lots of time for the two of you to be together, face to face, and use a lot of that time to build on the good, to laugh together (yes you will), and think about other things than your problems. I've bent your ear enough--blessings to you. Know that you have LOTS of company here in your sorrow and confusion. Read everything here!

I too have unanswered questions. Visuals that make me sick. Emotions that well up in anger and overwhelming grief.

Some questions need to be answered and there are many posts on these boards that address why we need them.

I got excellent advice from my therapist on how to make the mechanics of asking questions more productive….at first, I thought it was nonsensical, but in fact, it makes very good sense.

He said email, or write down your questions to her/him. Choose your words carefully. Let them have time to read and discern. Let them respond without having to see your emotions immediately. Not fearing your anger or sadness at first hearing the truth. That gives you time to digest, react and re-read. You can then brace yourself and respond.

It allows the revealing of what you need to not escalate into an emotional whirlwind that could have both of you saying things that are just meant to hurt. If reconciliation is your goal then you do not further damage your relationship. Even if it hurts them to reveal things they do not want to, you can respond with acknowledgement of the hurt they are feeling and know that you are presenting yourself as you are….the one that didn’t cause them to be hurt, the one that was hurt. And that this is the tool you are using to heal.

I feel that people also are less likely to lie on paper. Sugarcoat? Maybe… when they are talking to you face to face a spouse may say anything to make the confrontation just “go away”. Remember we are dealing with people that are now well versed at lying and justification. Letting them have time to think what the real truth is clears away some of the fog they are surrounding themselves with. It also allows you to see if the story changes often to fit what their current justification may be. If they are blaming you then they have to find words that are specific…generalizations about you not “understanding them”…can be responded to with requests for concrete examples.

Speaking of questions that cannot be answered…not questions like “how could you?”…too vague for anyone to answer. And don’t expect good answers…but if you do get one…affirm them that it helped you. I would think that as long as you have questions that are really haunting you…they should have to be responsible for helping you to get through this.

hello alert, and welcome to mb.please for give my typing i have hurt my arm so i am going to use all lower case letters i think you will understand. the first month after my H confessed his A was very difficult like you i wanted to know why,when,where,everything. at first he would tell me nothing only that he loved me and wanted to give our marraiage one more try(i was unaware we were thinking of ending it)if not he had found someone else.this was pain i had never felt before in my life.

at first he would not even admit to the sex but later he said they had sex two times the vision of this in my mind still haunts and hurts me today,every time he touches me i think of him with her it has been six months and all i can say is the pain is still there but it gets easier every day.that first month i did anything i could for him wanting to prove i was better than her i believe this is very normal reaction of bs.

today i have more anger than i did back then and at times i find this very strange.after reading the book surviving an affair it has put new perspective on all that has happened. i would suggest you purchase this book it will help you i wish i would have known about it back then. it is important that your W understand that you need some questions answered and this is all part of recovery this falls under the honesty section she needs to be honest with you so you can began to heal. this is a great site to vent your pain and read of others going through the same thing, you are not alone and at times that is so comforting for me.

my H acts like all is well but it isn't it will take a long time i do not trust at all and that is so difficult because i always trusted him i believe that is why he was able to get away with it. every time i began to snoop i would tell myself he was not the type to cheat what was i thinking now at times i could kick myself for not acting on my gut feelings. i know what i am saying may not answer your questions but i hope it will help you to know you are not the only one dealing with the mind war i believe it is the hardest battle to win. we can go through our daily routine but the battle in our mind of what they did is very hard to control.this is when i ask the lord to please protect my mind of the images i see.good luck to you keep posting and i will check back from time to time to see how things are going for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

by the way i have a new respect for faithful husbands i hope your wife will relize what a treasure she has and will protect it at any cost.i never thought i would be at a website like this.

My wife was caught on April 28. We are working on our marriage. I was the same as you, I wanted to know everything. She told me everything. Where, when, #of times. I didn't ask for details like position, but if I had I am sure she would have told me.

Her telling me everything I needed to know helped. I don't have to wonder if they did it in my bed or at my house or anything like that.

Your wife needs to understand that she needs to answer your questions at this point no matter how embarrassing or painful. She needs to understand that this will help you and the marriage in the long run.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you all. Knowing there is somewhere I can vent helps. There is no way I could ever talk to my friends or family about the A. It is obvious to me now what an insensitive husband I have been. I have always wanted to be a great husband and have a great marriage. The process of changing myself and just plain growing-up at 41 seems comical.

I know that these questions will have to be asked and answered to help bring me peace of mind. But I just can't bear the thought of driving her away from me. Not now that we are getting close again after being apart for so long. My plan is to gut it out for a while to see what comes out in counciling. I like the idea of writing the questions down to give her space to answer. It can't be easy for her.

alert, your compassion is awesome. You are going to get through this. I pray that your wife will come to treasure you more and more for who you are. I agree with dustkitty that writing questions down is great. I did that for my husband, but he wanted to read the questions in my presence and answer them verbally. This had less than ideal results because I felt his answers were not very well thought out, were often curt and short, and things got really really heated in the beginning as I saw him stonewalling, sidestepping and sugarcoating. I wish I would have asked that he write to me. He is a good writer and it is easier for him to pour out his heart on paper. Keep us updated on how things go. We care very much.

Keep in mind that what she tells you most likely wont help. You wont belive she has been 100% honost no matter what she tells you. It will help you a little but you will never understand "why" and how she could do somthing like that knowing it would destroy you. Im on the same sick ship as you, i too have a million questions that cant be answered and your wife is probably the last person in the world you can look for help. WS's just dont understand/care about the consequences, in my opinion and they cant be told/taught/shown they are born different.

I have been trying in the last few weeks to make my H comfortable enough to open up. He has been seeing a therapist to help him put words to his thoughts. Often people don’t have the experience to be able to communicate such behavior aloud. I have felt he has parroted some phrases from the Therapist, almost giving him a false sense of justification. Since the therapist can only go on what he is being told, he might not have a grasp on the situation either.

I have copied some information from the Internet for my husband to read from the perspective of the betrayed spouse. What our feelings are and why we need to know.
(See AskPeggy and Betrayed Spouses 101 websites and ivillage: 10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse). I have yet to give it to him.

Needing conversation to help me heal is like him needing the affirmation of my affection. I am not withholding affection so he can heal, but he wants the status quo. (The A took place years ago, undisclosed, and we have been having a close relationship since…so he wants it to be as it has…but now it has changed drastically with my finding out).

I wish we could just go somewhere for as long as it takes to dialogue about it, without the interruptions of daily life! I just want my heart to break as much as it will need to when I find out the total truth, so then it can start to heal. Healing and then repeated breaking cause calluses on our souls.

I am going to request he set aside some time very soon.

My husband first told me of his infidelity two days before we were leaving on a thousand mile trip in the van with our children to visit at my parents home...talk about unbelievable stress! I so NEEDED time alone to talk, but we had to sneak little moments over the next two weeks of our family vacation. He slowly gave me the whole huge picture of what had taken place in our marriage in the next months. Horrible time.
He too thought that 15 years of faithfulness should cancel out his unfaithfulness, but it just doesn't work that way--I am extremely grateful for those 15 years and they will mean more to me when I have been able to observe him to be able to SEE for myself that he has been faithful as he says.
Love to all.

<small>[ November 28, 2003, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

Today is black. I am feeling really sorry for myself, and just pathetic. I am not looking forward to father's day. I am afraid of being overwhelmed. Some days the effort is just monumental. When I get home from work I am just going to fake it. I'll give the wife and kids a big hug and pray the emotions follow. It amazes me how often that works, but getting there can be tough.

I don't want to go back to how things were before, but this ain't no joy ride either.

Oh alert, yeah some days are just terrible--black, as you say. The good news is they don't stay forever. There will be happy times mixed in, albeit at first the best of days seemed just bittersweet. Hang in there. Keep reading and posting here. If you are a person of faith, ask God to show you what possible good can come to you through such a horror. He will answer you.

alert, I remember that first month after D-day,I hardly slept I was so afraid if I fell asleep he would get on the computer and chat with her.I was a wreck at work crying all the time trying to hide it from everyone. The first few months are the hardest you will try to be everything you think she wants you to be I think this is normal I did it, my H even said he never knew I could be such a great wife(He can be braindead alot of the time)anyway may I suggest you take a deep breath and slow down just a little by your love and understanding you will deposit the needed love units into your wifes love bank this alone will bring back those love feelings for you.

My H could not believe that I still loved him he thought I would throw him out I think my love for him alone made him relize what a huge mistake he had made however he still had to go through all the feelings of withdraw from the A that he brought on himself and your W will have to go through all of this too.And he says the worse part is the pain he sees in my eyes still today and knowing that he is the cause of that pain. He told me the other day he wishes he could have his old wife back the one with the big smile,he said its been so long since I've seen that smile.

After D-day my H began to pay more attention to me and I began to feel a love for him I had not felt in years it was very exciting to me when I read about all of this in the book surviving an affair. It has been six months for me I still cry I still wonder why, however even that has been answered a little by the book. My H has agreed to read the book and do the survival plan together he is not good about follow threw so I am waiting nevously for this. He thinks if we just forget it all is well but I believe we need to fix the problems that made the affair possible. When I read your post I feel like you are taking full responsibility for the A please do not do this. Yes you take responsibility for what you may have not done right in your M but she chose to cheat not you there for she is responsible for what she did. You do not need to punish her for this it will get you no where but you do not need to punish yourself for something you did not do. You no matter what did not deserve this pain however it is here and now it is what you choose to do with the pain that will count in the end.

I believe you will stand by your W side and together you two will get through this.She is very lucky to have a husband like you my H told me that if the shoe was on the other foot he does not know if he could be as forgiving as I have been(that hurts)

Alert,

Be very careful with your own heart and soul. The types of questions you are asking will only hurt you more. I understand why you would want to ask such details; it’s about sharing the experience so that you can connect intimately with her. Sharing secrets is one of the most profound ways to build intimacy. But, and it’s a big BUT. At what point does it become like watching a wreck? We just keep staring at the gory scene even though it makes us sick. We cannot take our eyes off of it. That sort of voyeurism will only lead to more pain.

In stead, of wondering the position, wonder what was going on in her heart and soul. Speak to her of why she felt a need to do such a thing. Find out her and your needs, desires and vulnerabilities. Then set about filling the needs/desires and protecting the vulnerabilities. That is how a marriage recovers from an affair.

I can understand your need to know. I’ve lived through it. But I found that knowing what made him click was the most profound healer.

Thank you for your replies and concern. It really is nice to log on and see added posts. I am not alone, and that helps.

W and I went for a run last night, she had some stuff to get off her chest, like how she thought that I was the primary source for our problems and hence the A. Now she thinks that idea was wrong and in her desperation she should have been more honest and forceful with me about her unhappiness. I am pretty blown away by this change of heart. She says she reached out to me several times but I was unresponsive. I am sure that was true. Now she feels that she needs to take more assertive actions to get her message through my thick skull. I'd be very surprised if she has to try all that hard since the A, at least I hope so.

So, no, I don't take full responsibility for the A. BUT, our M was very stuck in a bad rut and I was a major player in keeping it there. I have looked at couples who clearly have a good M and I always longed for that intimacy and care. With the A as my brutal wake up call, I am going to pull out all the stops to have one of those great relationships. This web site has really inspired me and given me hope that I haven't had for ages. Your replies and other peoples topics have given me much needed perspective, Thanks Again for helping a rookie.

Today has been much better than yesterday, with only occasional bouts of craziness.

Monday we have our second real session w/ MC. Very nervous, last time it was pretty tough and I expect more of the same. I am going to make sure we put together a treatment plan so I can see where we are supposed to be going.

Alert, reading your post today reminded me of my own life.At first my H said the same it was my falult he would reach out but I did not respond.In our case I got tired of not getting a response when I did something, he only wanted a response when he did something,like you we were in a bad place. Since the A alot has changed but I see my H reverting back to his old ways and then I can feel myself slipping into the "I don't want to do anything for you"stage,I don't want to be like this. When my H pays attention to me and we have quality time together I just naturally want to do what ever he wants,I want to meet all his needs but when I feel like he is forgetting me I start to put of my wall of protection I don't like that feeling. We both have a long way to go but I'm sure we will get there, just like you and your W.Stay strong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bump

Alert, i'm not going to give any advice as i have none to give. I just wanted to say that you not alone. I found out 2 weeks ago that my wife had been haveing an affair for some time. It's the worst feeling in the world and i never thought it would happen to me, i'm sure you felt the same way. Unlike you my wife never actually said she blamed me in anyway. she took full responsibility for the affair and i was the one to blame myself. I don't know your situation or what kind of person you are, but if your the faithful kind, then don't blame yourself, it's not your fault.