Stinks doesn't it? My husband, who said that this was something he could NEVER do, was "caught" having an affair with the local bartender in January. After many tears, and pleadings, we agreed to move on. But of course, unknown to me, it was continuing. At the same time, however, he was all over me like spit. Constantly telling me how much he loved me, how wonderful I was, blah blah blah. He started a new job, and was working alot, so I took over the house, the step-daughter, everything. He said that made him feel guiltier, and he knew he didn't deserve me, so at some level he did what he could to push me away by letting it continue. Now, keep in mind that he was telling her he cared about (or loved or whatever) her at the same time he was telling me how much he loved me.

Over our 7 year marriage and 2 years together before that, he's had a number of psychological programs and addictions (i know I know...don't ask). He's a chronic binge drinker, had a brush with drugs I thought was over but he apparently went back to it for awhile and hid it from me. He Also felt like this was the time for true confessions because he wanted to start over, so he told me that this isn't the first time he's cheated...just the first affair. Apparently there have been several times drunk at seedy bars where he had sex with whatever girl was available. He's going to start counselling soon, and he thinks I've made the decision to stay and try to work it out, but I really haven't. I don't know what his true feelings for this woman were, but he says he thought he loved her for awhile, and even at the very end here, he was careful in what he said to be sure he didn't hurt her feelings (but mine are okay I guess) and told her that it just wasn't going to work out, but maybe in another life.

It will take a long long time to get over the anger. Once he begins counselling for his "issues" I recommend to anyone that the only way to really get it out and get on with it is to attend marriage counselling.

I guarantee you, however, that I will NEVER feel the same way about him again.

Tampa --

You are welcome here with us at MB. I'm sorry for this situation in your life and for your pain. Yes, it does stink!

Counseling, both individually and together, is an excellent path for you two. H has a lot of baggage that needs to be identified and addressed. Self-esteem issues are often (usually!) at the heart of alcohol and drug addictions and his involvements with women are right up there in the same line-up.

He needs to get himself straight before he can even begin to work on your relationship; one thing precludes success with the other. How can you love another if you don't love yourself?

Yes, it will take a good while to get over the anger you're feeling, and rightly so, as it's a process that needs to "set" correctly (like a broken bone) if the recovery is going to be successful. Good healing, sound recovery takes time and can't be rushed. It will take much patience and love on your part to help him and your marriage move on past this to a higher level.

If you're stuck for a direction for you right now, start right here on this website. It's filled with immensely helpful and effective readings: articles, books, and certainly this message board. Read all you can and know that much of what is here has been forged from the tears of similarly betrayed people just like yourself. Excellent counseling is also available from the Harleys and their staff, or find someone good in your area. The key word is "good," as Marriage Building needs to be your goal and some aren't as proactive or skillful as others.

I'm sorry you're here but glad you're here (if that makes sense). We'll help you all we can. Please post again and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

Tampa,

howdy neighbor!!! You seem to holding up pretty well. You sound strong and determined, which is better than some of the rest of us. If your H has the amount of "baggage" that you say he does he is probably confused as hell. There are others here that have went through this w/ their spouse's addictions.

I echo Ammon is that there is a lot of good info here provided by the Harley's and a lot of "real" life stuff posted on these boards.

God Bless

Thank you both. The problems (multiple as they are) begins with him being tired of me asking questions...he feels like he's gone over the ground already, why do I keep asking the same thing in different ways? That's because he's a chronic liar and I don't believe him, and its usually easier to catch a lie when you ask multiple times because they can't remember what they said.

Also, he tried to go get some help, and that's been frustrating for him. We both wanted him to see a psychiatrist, because I think he's got some chemical imbalances and needs to be medicated. And psychiatrists do both. But after waiting 2 weeks to get in to see one, he was told the guy doesn't have time for the "therapy" part of it, and he needs to go see someone else. Gave a recommendation, but she's not on our provider list, so we had to begin again. Got a provider list from Cigna, and had to begin again, left a message for the new guy and he hasn't called back.

How do you know if someone is good or not? Is there a place to go to find out?

Tampa --

Sounds like counseling has been a problem for H for quite some time. I still say counseling for him almost has to precede joint/marriage counseling for you two. I think it's vital to get him started as a primary step and then, not too far down the line, get both of you involved, maybe with a separate person. Bottom line: it's going to be a terribly difficult path for the two of you until H has gotten his head on straight.

The Harleys are excellent, albeit expensive, but won't be on your provider list. I've heard that it's money well spent as they're specialists and highly efficient. Also, ask around your area for trustworthy recommendations; when the same name surfaces a couple of times, it's worth checking out. Don't just pick a name out of the phone book, no matter how attractive or large the ad. If you're limited to your official Cigna list, you may not hit the same pool of names.

So H is tired of hearing you ask the same questions over and over again...tough beans! He's made them necessary for you. It's all part of the price you both are paying for his weak and poor choices. He has to want to provide you with whatever information and details that you need to help you heal. He doesn't want to "keep talking about things" because it's painful for him and makes him feel guilty (and it should), but he HAS to. Besides, you perhaps wouldn't have to rehash if you felt you could believe him--and you don't.

A relationship without trust is an empty shell, a mere frame for the portrait that is yet to come. It's really up to him. Does he want to restore your marriage? Does he want to provide that renewed trust? He can, but does he have it in him? Does he know how much he's hurt you, how severely your marriage has been damaged? Things are fixable for you, but he's got to want to fix them.

Keep us posted. We're here for you...

Ammon

Thanks Ammon.

Well, he says he does, but you're right...I don't believe him. For the last 9 years, I've been the primary wage earner (although not the sole one)and much of what we have is the result of my efforts. He has his daughter because I'm in the picture, and he knows it. So its difficult to believe he's staying for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. If asked, of course, he says he's there for the right reasons, and wouldn't be there if he weren't, but I know how many "security" issues are a stake for him, and knowing him don't believe that he would confess he's there for the wrong ones.

I agree he needs counselling first to deal with his problems. What I want is for him to see "her" as the slime she really is. She was actually involved with someone else at the same time she was with him, so while she was telling him she loved him, she's seeing this other guy. Geez. Does ANYONE have any morals anymore? So I can't understand why he would care about her at all anymore, but he says he does....that he cares if he hurts her feelings, etc. Whatever. I think the real issue here is that he needs external things to make him feel good about himself. he needs people to think he's great...he needs to belong...he needs to fit in...
not my problem. Bottom line is that he has no set of basic tenets which guide and direct his actions...nothing is taboo and nothing is enough to make him want to feel okay about himself without having that need filled by external stuff...that's why he frequents the tiny neighborhood bars...he can tell any story he wants, paint any picture of himself he wants, and no one knows him, so its okay. Then he can temporarily feel good about himself.

But understanding it myself doesn't do me a whole heck of a lot of good.