Moving on ... all things come to a past!!!

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

Did he express any remorse for betraying you? If so then it may be a factor in his lack of performance because sex may have become a trigger that brings back his betrayal of you. It's very common for a WS(wayward spouse), had a PA(physical affair), to withdraw from sex after the A(affair) ended and reconciled with the BS(betrayed spouse). I recommend that you read Michelle Weiner Davis's latest book 'The Sex Starved Marriage', for even though it doesn't talk a lot about your particular situation (your H's A) it still has a lot of useful information and ideas on opening up dialog between spouses, so as to arrive at solutions that are mutually satisfying.

Moving on .... this too shall pass!!!

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"How can I get him to talk with me without his getting bent out of shape over it and then telling me this is a "total turn off" for him when I bring up the questions I have. Why can't he be truthful with me? HELP NEEDED HERE!!!! "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The way you approach the subject can have a lot to do with his reaction. If you calmly explain to him that you are strong enough to hear the truth and will not punish him for his honesty, he MAY just decide to open up to you. BUT you've got to do your part by not emotionally breaking down in front of him, otherwise that may be the last time he will be open and honest with you.

Moving on ... this too shall pass!!

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

Moving on ... this too shall pass!

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

Moving on ... this too shall pass.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

are you sure you are as strong as you want him to believe..are you sure he sees you as strong or as cold..they are sort of close if watching someone..

as for him you know men do go off and lick their wounds..and go to the cave when things happen..some are not able to watch others die..
he probably was already grievinb..
sometimes we think we both understand things well
I don't think people can fit into a mold..

men don't do this women don't do this..
for as long as you have been around.you have seen alot..I have too..men that age of your husband has lived in this generation..but the things and rules have changed..

one thing I am wondering about..I am not attacking you on any points it is observations I have made watching people and friends and people putting labels on them..that did not belong.cause I would get up and probably put a different label.

you mentioned he has a hard time and you said now the shoe is on the other foot..

when do you bring up the subjects you talk about?
you don't do it in bed..or just before making love do you? that would turn anyone off..
just wondering.

I am not sure he didn't feel anything or sense losses he just expresses them different..some times they might like to see us express our emotions about things instead of being a cold fish..as it would appear sometimes to them..

ask him...how do you see me?
maybe he sees you as aloof...and you are not.
but the thing as I am kind,and helpful and loving
would do almost anything for someone if they asked me..but sometimes I come across differently to others if I am busy doing something..and they interupt me..like if am making 7 minute frosting the kind you boil..I need to concentrate on it and really at the end really watching it..and someone has an emergency to them..like what color shirt should I wear with these pants..I could care less..right then but would like to go help them..but they have to wait..

another example..my husband brought me flowers
and I was in the middle of putting baby oil on the baby who was laying on the table..
I thanked him for them right then..and kissed him
but could not leave the baby to put the flowers in a vase..I asked him to please do it for me or else leave them and when I finish I will do it..
I was thrilled and gratefull..but did not act the way he had played out in his head..I had to take care of the baby..
after finishing putting the baby to bed..then gave him my undivided attention putting the flowers in a vase and bringing them with a warm feeling of love and admiration that he brought them for me..I was so thrilled..
now HE was angry at me..HE says..you did not like the flowers..I assured him I loved him and yes I did love the flowers..but I could not drop what I was doing right then..to attend to them..

do you know what I am talking about here??
well any way I never got flowers again until the 4th year before he died..it was for valentines day..but he said the reason he didn't give me flowers any more..was because I didn't like them when he gave me some..brought them to me..
that was not true..so sad...he didn't bring me flowers...anymore..we both lost out..

oh well anyway we do see things differently some times..

even down to when we give hints in the store thinking they are with us right next to us..so we show them something..and say see this is what I would like for christmas or whatever..and they say enthusiasticly oh yeah..thats nice..but I guess they must of been eyeballing someone in the store..because you made it a point to even remind him of the store we are in..lol and the dept..shrug..just how some men are..
mine was a dud in the showing appreciation dept..
I figure now the reason I got flowers that night was cause I was not expecting him home so early and he had no where to go and got stood up..lol

that was my thinking..rofl

who really knows..he probably really loves you

and it is true to make love before a meal not after a heavy meal..
that is true...

tell him to look into the shots..they will make you both Really happy they work for 2 hours..so you won't even hurry take a break even and go again..lol

oh well...we are not all alike..all women are not the same..

all men are not the same..either..can't be..the world would be like robots and zombies..sorta like the stepfords..wouldn't that be horrible..

oh do get the stepford wives and watch it..
also the stepford husbands..
it was interesting..so see it and that is what people think all are alike..that proves it isn't when you see it..you will understand..

Moving on ... this too shall pass.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

Your case has similarities to mine. For 10+ years, I neglected my wifes needs, and I had an affair. She found out but stuk by our marriage. The roles have been reversed! She found her sensuality and sexuality and she really woke me up four months ago! She came to me asking my consent for her to see other men. She told me that I could not fulfill her sexual needs, that she needed someone new in her life to do this. This really woke me up and I have changed my ways for the better. While I love her very much, the past four months have been difficult for me; I couldn't work, sleep, or do most anything properly. I lost 35 lbs and I am looking pretty good now (that's one of the positive things to come out of this). She found someone else who fulfills her sexual needs, but now she is falling for him. And I have accepted this! How, you say? I am seeing a spiritual advisor. This person has helped me through my misery and now I am living a life of love rather than fear. I am rising above my current situation and now I can work, sleep and do almost everything properly.

It's amazing what my wife did. In ten years, I haven't felt like I do for her. I have found myself spiritually and I have accepted my situation for the better. I wish you the best of luck. If you feel that you need to be fulfilled in any way, do not hesitate to explore! Your feelings are being challenged and you need to rise above!