Hi, this is my first time putting anything on here, i found this site a few days ago and have been reading all the posts, I am sorry that so many people are going through this, but at the same time, I feel very glad to know that other people understand what i am going through right now!! I guess I should start at beginning...on May 3rd 2003, I recieved an email from an old school mate of my husbands, I thot it was pretty cool that she was looking him up after 13 yrs and I have never had any reason to distrust him so I obviously handed the email over to him. Only the unexpected happened, he started emailing in private to her, I had no idea, then they talked on phone and met up a few times...they have not done anything physical, i guess its more of an emaotional thing. But now, since she came back into his life he has decided he loves her! He says he loves me but is not IN LOVE with me anymore. Which is so hard because she came into the picture i know he loved me with all his heart!! Yes, we have had problems...we have never done anything to fix them we have always just managed and gotten by, but nwever actually sought help for anything ( yes we should have). We have been togetehr for almost 15 yrs and married 5 August 8th this year. We have three children, son will be 12 july 2 daughter 8 and new baby 9 months old! Right now he is at the point where he doesnt even want to try and make things work with us, he feels he wants to move on with this girl...who by the way is married somethjing like 12 yrs in a physically abusive relationship with three kids of her own...and make a future with him and her. I can ubderstand his feelings..we have been together a long time, and for someone else to show that they care for him must feel amazing, but i am so hurt also! I feel like they are both looking at thjings through rose colored glasses right now, and i think she sees him as an out of her life! The hardest part is knowing that they only went to school for 1 yr together had some classes and hung out at smokers corner and now been back in contact for less than a month and a half, and he's in love with her?????? Anyways, I have babbled on, i just wanted to post my story...anyone who has anything to say...great!! Thanks for all the posts that are on her for me and others to read, it reall has been helping!!

I am sorry to hear the news for you. I read many of these posts and hear the same thread in them. I love you but I am not in Love with you. I am starting to believe that some men cannot handle the fact that they alone will not be the center of the universe. It seems that the kids play a big role in the lost passion. I would say keep reading here because I am no expert- but have found some very encouraging words here. The most beneficial was to focus on making a better "you". That keeps a positive light in your world when things seem so dark.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says he loves me but is not IN LOVE with me anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, they all say that. "Surviving an Affair", by Harley, explains why they all say that, and what to do about it. Click on the link in my signature line for some more information on how to recover, if you haven't read it already.

thankyou both for your replies!! I am gradually reading through everything you mentioned!! I love my husband with all my heart, and miss him terribly...he is staying at his mums house...2 weeks today!! Just to have someone come home after work or someone to sleep with at night besides my daughter...i miss him and I want him to work with me at saving our marriage and the life we have had, he is not at that point yet, he thinks he wants to move on with his life with this other woman!! He is so not himself at all...I wish there was some way to wake him up out of whatever this is...but I know that only he can realize and decide he wants to try!! I feel like marriage and life are hard things and you have to work at them not just give up!!

Michelleo --

First, welcome to MB. Your pain and confusion are understood by each of us, since we've all been wounded in some way by the heartache and suffering of betrayal; it's unfortunately why we're here and it's certainly what makes this board spin.

I'm very sorry you've had to join us but also very thankful that you've made your way here, as it's a place of strong support, understanding, and wonderful empathy.

Around here, we call what your H is involved in an EA (Emotional Affair), every bit as upsetting and devastating as a PA (Physical Affair), and in some ways more harmful, as it is systematically eroding the very fabric of your marriage and family, insidiously destroying your trust and your relationship from the inside out. Read all of the wonderful material on this site and gain some measure of comfort from the fact that many, many others have already blazed this trail for you; you've got a lot of company and a lot of new friends right here.

What you're feeling about all of this is perfectly normal and to be expected. Please remember this during the times when you will question your sanity and your ability to withstand this attack on the structure and core of who you are and what you believed was reality. But you can do this, you can survive, and you and your marriage can emerge stronger and better for having been immersed in the fire. But it will take a lot of effort and time and patience, and recommitment by your H.

Let me reassure you that The Fog has obliterated H's thinking and value system and ability to see clearly in virtually every area. He has allowed this EA to eclipse you, your marriage, your children, everything of value in your lives. But, make no mistake, he's not "in love" with the OW (other woman), not by any means. You know this already deep down inside--you've already identified areas that don't ring true in what he's said--and you must keep those beliefs intact, preserve you and your sense of right and wrong, as he isn't able to--for now.

Recovery is a long-term endeavor. His EA has to cool off and then stop. This addiction, which rules his life and thinking for the moment, has to end before he's going to be able to recommit himself to you. He's then got to want to and he's got to be "free" of the OW in order to be able to refocus on you. Right now, all he can see is her; he's been blinded by her light. You're still in the picture, but he really can't see you, as your light can't compete--for now--with hers.

This is doable, fixable, Michelleo, but not until he's able to function like a husband, partner, and father again. It certainly sounds as if you have the desire and patience to do your part--the rest is up to him.

Please post again and keep us in the loop, even if it's only to rage or cry or vent. We are very much here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

IMHO I think you and your H should make an agreement that you will make absolutely no decisions for 6 months and in that time he is to stay out of contact with her and you two get into counseling asap. Ask him to agree to this for no other reason than the kids - if you can get him to agree. If he will agree, then maybe he can shake this fog with the help of a counselor. It sounds like she is playing the damsel in distress. And when you find a counselor - tell your counselor that you want him/her to be very hard and realistic on you both. The last thing you need is a counselor who will just sit back and let you two waste any time.

My prayers are with you.

ammon, thankyou...what you wrote was very good to read!! I appreicate every bit of advice and support I can get right now!!
Allforone..at this point he is set in his mind..he has decided he wants to make a go of things with her and is not interested at this point in getting any kiond of counselling to repair our relationship...which is what i want to do...he is not willing to give her up now...he has made that clear to me!! He was firm in saying he didnt want to work thibngs out with me...after we had a talk, he decided that he would think about trying to make things better with me..but he has not made any thoughts about that yet!! I want to try and make a go of things with all my heart, for me, for him and for our kinds!
And ammon, I agree that he cant be in love with her...he is just llking through rose colored glasses right now..the grass is always greener on the other side isnt that what they say?? And I do feel that he must still love me deep down if he would just give it a chance@!!@@

sorry...looking through rose colored glasses not llking!! OOPS

Michelleo --

Deep down inside of course your H still loves you. The problem: "deep down inside" is buried under too much surface fulfillment and attention from OW. H has allowed her status to replace yours--at least temporarily--and now he "wants to make a go of it" with her. Well, he's chosen a very, very difficult and unfortunate path.

Fortunately, there's a tremendous difference between a "dating" relationship and one that's broadened into significance and the day-to-day practicality of 24/7 interaction. Most A's can't withstand that pressure, and if they do for awhile, they eventually collapse under their own weight. How long are you prepared to wait for this A to die? How much patience, stamina, willpower have you? How much pain is your marriage worth? Hard questions which eventually must be answered. The standard timetable around here is 18 months to two years, a long time to wait in the wings for your cue to assume your former and rightful position. But it's worth it, if only so that you can say that you did everything you could to help this marriage to work.

The OW comes equipped with tons of baggage (an abusive former 12-year relationship, three children, and she's still married!) which, for now, don't seem to be complicating things for H. But that's for now. He's got three young children of his own who need nuturing and a full-time father; now he's going to take on three more! This A sounds doomed from the outset. Taken all together, it's an incredibly heavy burden for H to be shouldering. Wonder how long it will hold up?

So, you take care of yourself in every possible way. You spend extra quality time with your children. You tell them (all except the baby!) that they are in no way responsible for what's happening in the family and threatening their security and happiness. Give them extra hugs and love and give the same to you.

We're with you on all of this. You've already received some great responses and you've got lots of support here. Hang in there, michelleo, and know that we're here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

well, i have just gotten home fromi a night out with no kids and no H...had planned to ahve him pick me up on way home from work..kids were at his mums..where he is staying...cell phone was out of area when he tried to call to arrange pick up.... finally able to retieve messages...7 in total...him trying to arrange pick up up until him being home..at his mums..requesting me to call him when I got message to arrange for pick up in morning...I managed to get a ride home...have just called him...I had been loking forward to seeing him...insteaqd only getting to talk to him on phone...i am very sad right now, i just want him here to hold me...why does this have to be so hard????? Asked him if he wated copmpany in morning at 530 am to pick up trailer..he said he would be all right...I just wanted to be with him, but i guess that is not what he wants right now...I miss him soooooo much...its not fair!!
Sorry if I sound lijke a whiner!!
Ammon...thanks for your posts they are very helpful..making me feel better...well...at least a s good as possible right now!~

This weekend will just drag by since all three kids have gone camping with H (I wish I was included in this too, but I am not invited). The only thing that makes the days and nights pass faster lately is the kids being home, but with no one here it is just quiet and lonely!! I feel like he does still love me....he just doesnt seem to realize it right now...I know he is young for it but from what i have read and heard it seems like a bit of a midlife crisis, my doctor thot the same as this is totally out of character for him...everyone is surprsed at his behaviour!! The doc asked if he would go and talk to her, but right now he is not making any kinds of decsions like that..he wont decide if he will get counselling either!! I am trying not to cry when I see him anymopre...its very hard! And i refuse to stop telling him I love him!! And when I do...he says I love you too...so it confuses me! Also he is still wearing his weding band..which makes me feel like there is still hope! And some of the stuff he says sometimes...make me think that maybe...just maybe....but reall...who knows what he is thinking..if he even is!! I have printed out numerous articles about reparing and fixing a broken marriage and given them to him as he said he would read them and think about it...that was last week...as far as I know he has not read anything yet...I guess he will do it on his own pace...I want to ask him if he has read them but I dont want to be a nag and push him away more!!
Anyways Hope everyone is having a god weekend!!

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover."

My question is...if H doesnt want to have NC with OW, how can I do plan A??? He says he wants to make a go of things with her not me...so I am not sure how to go about convincing her to have NC with OW without seeming like a b**chy nag!!! Anyone??

Read teh Plan A links in the link in my signature line. Plan A is FOR when they will not seperate from the OP.

ok ty, I am going to go to that link now, maybe i am misunderstanding plan A!!

How long should plan A go on for...what is the right amount of time?? My H...says he has no intention of giving up his OW..he is deeply in love with her...after a month and a half ( plus one yr of school together 12 yrs ago) and he has every intention of making a go of it with her..he said I had to get used to it because she was going to be in his life forever now!! How am I supposed to cope with this????? It huts me so bad!

So far I have been doing ok at holding it together with my husband..being happy to see him...trying not to cry..but its so hard!! Last night I spoke to him no the phone and ended up making him mad because i needed to talk then and he wanted to wait until today, I wanted to end the conversation but I just couldnt seem to...how can he not realize what I am going through and that I miss him and just need to talk to him once and a while. I wanted to know when he might start thinking about me and us instead of OW but he does not seem prepared to decide about that right now! He told me he would be willing to read some info I printed for him and think about trying to get some help for us, but so far after over a week since we spoke about that, he has not even begun to think about it or read anything I gave to him. Should I just try to back away or do i deserve some kind of time frame from him? I dont know what to do or what to expect. I finally told my parents...I had been hopking to have some good news ( we are getting some help or something like that ) to go along with the bad news ( he left me). BUt finally did tell them as things seem to be continuing along the same road for now. My mum was coming to visit in 2 weeks and has nopw gone out and chasnged her flight, she will be here tomorrow night...I am glad to have the support!! They feel terrible for me and dont know what to do to help, I said just be a shoulder!! ANyways enough babbling i guess!!

Michelleo --

Yes, it hurts, probably more than anything you've ever had to deal with before. Let us help. Let us sit with you and shoulder some of this immense burden. Know that you're not alone. You've got some very valuable people on board with you already.

Remember that no matter what he says or how strongly it's worded, he's absolutely NOT in love with OW. This is particularly difficult because the one person in your life in whom you've trusted, your best friend, suddenly is "someone else" and isn't able to give you what you've come to expect and rely on--for now. As long as The Fog is in, he's not going to make sense, tell the truth, or even think clearly and rationally. When The Fog lifts, stability, clarity, and reconciliation are all possible.

You have to maintain focus and goal and purpose in the face of this madness and pain, a terribly difficult thing to do. You must have great patience and stamina and dedication. But, Michelleo, you can do it. You can and you must, for your marriage, for your family, for you (especially for you!), and yes, even for your H (who certainly can't appreciate your willpower, loyalty, and commitment at this point. As difficult as this is, as much as it hurts, you HAVE to do this. What else can you do? How would you face yourself in the mirror each day if you hadn't hung in there and done everything you could do to preserve your marriage. Preserving your marriage preserves your family unit; your three children deserve that unity, as do you.

So when things get especially bad for you or when you feel you've reached the end of your rope, you come here and you post. Get us involved in those times. You're doing a great job keeping us updated so far, now just keep it up! I'm very glad you've told your parents and doubly glad that Mum is coming for a visit; you need that broad support base to help get you through.

It's probably going to be a long and very bumpy ride, but this is ultimately a necessary storm for you to weather. Your children need you--their world has been rocked too--and your H needs you (although he doesn't know it for now). BTW, on this board, "babbling" is not only permitted, it's encouraged! We continue to be here for you...

Ammon

ammon...once again thankyou...your words of support are very much appreciated and needed!! I need all the support i can get right now. As i mentioned I pi**ed of hubby last night on phone..was not my intention...never is but is so hard to keep feelings in!! Anyways called this mornign to wish a happy fathers day and to aplogogize...told him my intention is not to make him mad or annoyed at me. I had gotten a very nice card and a gift for fathers day just before all of this came out...the card expresses all of my feelings and what I feel..I had debated not giving it to him but I have decided to give it to him as my feelings for him have not changed.
the card itself says "To the one I love...when i first met you, I knew somehow that you should be the love of my life. And thats exactky what you are. No matter how many years go by, I'll still think of you as the person I want to share everything with, the person I most want to make happy, the one without whom life would never be the same.you are my world, my life, my everything. I love you with all my heart, and I always will. Happy fathers day."
and I wrote: Dear *****, Well, I had bought this card before everyhitng happened. I debated not giving it to you, but decided I would as my feelings have not changed and this card is so true. I love you with all my heart and I miss you so much it hurts. You are an awesome dad to our children. We have 3 wonderful kids together and we all love you very much. I couldnt ask for a better family or better dad for them. I am sorry if you have felt that I havent been there for you or if you have felt unloved by me at all, just know that I DO LOVE YOU with all of my heart, my heart is yours. And I amhere for you and will continue to be here for you. I miss you, I want you, I need you. I LOVE YOU! your wife and best friend Michelle xoxox
Am i wrong in giving this to him...am i pushing things b giving this to him?? what do you think??

well i did give him the card and the gift! Then we had a talk like we had planned! I felt like i was actually getting through to him, but then it seemd like he was shutting me out agaiN!! It seems as though he has put this huge wall around himself and is only letting her in! He says that he will think abiut making an effort with me but he doesnt know when he will think about it because he wants to make things work with her right now! I told him that tyhere was no way he could possibky think properly about me if he was seeing her...he said he understood that but didnt seem to have a change of plans!! i told him that i thot I was worth more than he is making me feel right now! that he is taking the easy raod he looks back and sees me and the bad times and instead of working to change it he looks ahead and sees only the good of the OW. I feel like if i ever meant anything to him he should want to make an effort weith me..especially since we have 3 kids together!! He is a loveing caring man that in his right frame of mind would not walk out on his family, but that is what he has done!! In one instance i feel like I may be reachning him and he may be understanfing what i am saying and where i am coming from, but then in the next instance its like he is just looking straight ahead not taking in anything i am saying!! I know I am probably going about this the totally wrong way, but this is so new to me, and I feel like i need to get everything out on the line!! I told him that i thot he needed to talk to someone and that he should get some help, but I doubt if he listened to me!! The kids want us tyo try and fix things, I would ahve thot if nothing else that would be reason enough for him to try!! ANyways, i guess enough for now!! man I miss him, even when he is near i feel like he is so far away from me!!
Michelle

Just feeling a little bummed at the moment..missing H very badly..I miss having him to go to bed with and talk to...he is my best friend the one I talk to when i have a problem..that is so hard..i never put my feelings oout in the open and I am having to lay them out on the table for everyone to see...it used to be him I tiold everyhitng to..and now...well I donthave him to do that anymore...so many times when i am sad and lonely i think oh I will call H and talk to him, then I realize..I cant...his A and his not wanting to work things out for me is what is causing my pain at the moment...it hurts not to be able to confide in him!! yakety yak yak yak!! sorry lol