I'm just curious since I just found this board. Within a week I knew the guy's name, place where he worked, his wife worked and his email. I sat on it for a while but did email him to let him know what I knew. How many here have confronted the other person in person? How many would have told their spouse? How many have? I decided my move was best and it made him squirm. It may be bad but I love the thought of the look on his face every day when his wife says, "Guess who I talked to today honey?"

You did the right thing. If you read the thread about door matts and Plan A in my signature block, it discusses contacting the OP and everyone else.

Just don't make a big habit out of it. The idea is to shine some light on the affair and make them have to face everyone. Affairs depend of secrecy.. you took that away.

I did the same thing. Contacted the other man (my wifes affair partner) and his wife.

My wife hated the fact that I did this. I was only hurting myself by doing this was her reasoning. When in reality I was breaking down the walls of deception. I discovered more in a few short conversations with them than my wife was and is still (3months later) willing to discuss with me.

I've recently been told by my wife not to contact her as a result of her affair ending and her impression that my contact with her affair partner and his wife had something to do with my wife being dumped. I guess I did a bad thing so no contact is my punishment.

Funny thing is niether one of them has ever asked me not to contact them.

The reality is I began to know,

1- more things about my wifes affair from her affair partner
2- more things about her affair partners relationship with his wife
3- and from her affair partners wife I also gained information about what my wifes affair partner was realy thinking about my wife and the affair relationship. Few Did you get that.

I went from the outside with no contol of my life or the information I was seeing to more control of what was happening to me and happening within the affair than my wife wanted to let me see or knew herself.

I do advise you to think before you speak to the other person and don't do anything that would hurt your spouse. Talking to the other people involved in this mess isn't about revenge but to gain helpfull infomation for yourself and calmly explain your feelings to those involved. When you've done that keep the contact once a month at most.

Everything you do or say will likely be repeated to your spouse and used against you. You don't want to push them togther or give them the oppertunity to say "your right your spouse is a raving loony no wonder you want out"

The first half of my story is here: May Newsletter, in the section titled "After the Affair: a perspective on the road to recovery". The link in my signature line is my attempt to compile the best resources we used in our recovery.

I did not contact the OM's wife, but wish I had.

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

what id you have very strong suspicions and confront and are wrong. I am tempted to contact her but....

Zorweb, good guy.

Would you two make a visit to Lost Pilot's thread...the one directed towards cerri. His MC doesn't advocate exposure at all....and I want him to see another perspective. Thanks.

DM.....I think that exposing affairs, ends affairs better than almost any other strategy.

Depressed, trusting you love your wife and want this to work out, I would caution you to proceed slowly and calmly. While contacting the OM will help end this quicker it will cause some resentment on the part of your wife. She will reason it should be her decision to end it. While that may seem bizarre and irrational she will feel that way none the less. Borrowing a line from someone else around here, "you want to conduct yourself such that you can look back in 10 years with no regrets". I have decided not to contact the OM and I am in his company on an ongoing social basis. It is difficult to bite my tongue but I understand that this ONS was largely my W's idea. I don't throw that in her face but it is my belief. Knowing he wasn't interested in pursuing her makes me feel some softness towards him. I won't say respect but I do feel lucky in that W picked the wrong guy and probably learned a valuable lesson. These are very difficult unchartered waters and there is no sure fire formula that fits all. I can say that NO CONTACT is the ideal situation. Once you achieve that you don't need to keep firing shots. It serves no purpose for anyone other than you.

I don't wish to show disrespect for other people's views but sometimes I get the feeling that those spouses who commit adultery do so because they have lost respect for their spouses and believe that these spouses have no backbone. The fear of being divorced makes the BS appear more pathetic and weak. What is not understood by the BS is that if you don't put a high value on yourself why should you expect your spouse to put a high value on you.

I agree with Tomaz. I e-maled the OW and told her if she contacted my H again, I would tell her H everything (I used his name - letting her know I knew his name... I knew alot.) My H told me after that he admired me for doing this. Shocked me... but H liked that I had the backbone and that I was going to fight for my M.

I really struggled with contacting the OW, but afterwards had no regrets... I was glad I did.

H&S

pla-eeeeez, I do not think so TOMAZ. You imply that it is to some extant the dault of the BS, have you been there, on either side? The offending Spouse has a big problem, no matter how strong the BS is. My H is attracted to weak, insecure doormats. So, please . Think again.

My H told me nothing not even her name it was like he was protecting her, I begged him to tell me I told him I wanted to talk to her he kept saying no.Well while he was at work on night I found e-mail he had sent it gave me her e-mail address,her name and then she made the mistake of e-mailing him with her work phone # that was all I needed.

I did eventually e-mail her with no response,but when I finally called her we talked for two hours,I still would love to know what she looks like. I know her hieght,weight, hair color but I want to see her face,after all my H felt he needed to show her pictures of our family and tell her little details of me. I hated that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The other mans wife caught them. So everyone knew. I had to go to school and take an exam. I then came home cussed, beat the hell out of my text book, (It’s 4 inches thick, it could take a punch) cried, hurt, ask why, ask for details, called the other man and cussed him, threatened divorce, broke my cell phone, broke the clock, thought about death, thought about death of other man, cussed, cried, and finally passed out around 5 am the next day.

There were so many times I felt he was fooling around with this one chick at his work, that I finally called his work and asked one of his male coworkers if my husband and that chick were having an affair. Of course the man said no. I also called that womans mothers house and told her. But, I still don't know if he had a physical affair with her. In my first marriage, I told the other woman's father whom she lived with that his daughter was fooling around with my husband, and I confronted her. HEck, I caught my first husband and the whore driving out of the motel parking lot! It was same motel we used to go to before we were married. Men are creatures of habit.

My H had multiple affairs with women he met on the internet. None of them knew about the other.

I got his email address list, his chat buddy list and combed old phone bills for phone numbers. I emailed, chatted with and phone every one of them. I reached 30 women, most were just women he chatted/emailed to. I told every one of them about all the others. The ones he was having or had had affairs with I spoke/chatted/emailed with at length. He had told them that he was a divorced dad. I made sure they knew that he had remarried. I told them to get the hey out of my marriage. And I gave some of them all each other’s email addresses and chat names. Gave them something to do… rip into each other.

Then I confronted him. I told him to get out.. our marriage was over. I was hurt and angry beyond belief. He asked me to give him a chance.. it took some time for me to agree to that. He told me that he would stop all contact immediately. He Plan A’d me. We found and read “Surviving and Affair”.

When I discovered all this, he was already in the process of ending the affairs on his own. He told me that he was very surprised at the way I reacted. That I actually confront the women in the manner I did. Said it made him feel good to know that I cared enough to do that… he had a silly grin on his face when he said it. His previous 2 wives left him for their OM. So I guess it made him feel like someone finally loved him enough to fight. People are strange is all I can say.

Tomaz, I trust your comments are inspired by my reply. I really don't disagree with you but I stand by the advice I have given none the less. Yes, if you're a professional victim you will be treated as such. But by the same token if you use this isolated mistake to put your spouse through the shredder you may also regret that approach. Everyone has pride including the WS and if you push them to the limit they may not leave but they may wish they had. I welcome your guidance and suggestions on my own posts so don't think I am discounting your comments - but only trying to say some restraint is also something that needs to be considered. I was a compulsive gambler for a lot of years and I well remember who threw me under the bus and who stood by me. The objective is to end the affair and rebuild the marriage, not tear down the WS and rebuild them. The other part about having backbone etc. is the fact that whatever confidence/self esteem you may have had prior to the affair is a distant memory as you try to pick yourself of the floor during these times.

Neither one of the OW in my life (yuck!) had husbands or boyfriends so there was no one to contact. I didn't contact them and will probably NEVER speak to them in their lifetime.

When I found out the first one - I did laundry! Funny, how life goes on whether we want it to or not.

The second time, I immediately doubled over with pain in my stomach. I phoned him at work and called him some very choice names. He came home and we had it out before I had to leave for work. We both took the afternoon off - sick (heartsick!) but there was more to learn.
DB