Tampa --
You are very welcome to anything that any of us on the board can give you. I don't often get my own "headline" around here so I thought I'd respond on this thread rather than go back to your original one.
You say, "not my problem," but in actuality, it IS yours since it's an marital extension of his. If he didn't have his problems, you two would certainly be a lot better off and much more solidly situated. Get him "fixed" and most if not all of those issues would disappear. I think it's a primary direction for your relationship.
Also, understanding it all yourself really DOES do you a whole heck of a lot of good. Understanding produces meaning beyond the surface factors; knowledge brings reassurance and comfort and a measure of wisdom into your "mad" world. The more you know about him and his problems, the better you'll be able to cope and stabilize and adjust and heal.
As long as The Fog rules him, not much chance he'll see the OW as a "slime." His vision is obscured enough to see her as something other than what and who she really is. He's bought into a package with her that has damaged you and your marriage, and that damage includes himself (he just doesn't know it yet). He can't be clear of her influence until he allows himself to see this for what it is.
He still has his inherent goodness and morals but they've been put on hold, shoved in the back corner of a drawer and forgotten about. He's chosen a terribly destructive path for both of you. I'm not a psychiatrist but it sounds like those ol' self-esteem issues to me. I think you've diagnosed the root problems very well. Nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about oneself, but when the methods hurt others and one's primary relationship, it's a guaranteed recipe for structural damage.
It hurts a lot to think that he's putting OW's feelings above yours, but that just shows how far askew is his clouded judgement, how far he's fallen. Where's his sense of responsibility, of decency, of obligation? All resting irresponsibly on that back burner, out of the way. Out of sight, out of mind.
But there's hope for you, so you have to hang in there and be as stable as possible. Know that this can be turned around and be actually better than it was. Have you had any luck with getting him a counselor or someone for the two of you? You will need to be proactive in this as it's probable that he won't do the seeking-out himself. You're going to have to make it happen: find the counselor, do the calling, set the appointments, whatever it takes to get him in and started.
You have a good understanding of the issues and problems, now it's just a matter of getting started on the solutions. A long road but a necessary one. We're here for you...
Ammon
