On June, 16, the day before we left on our family vacation to Disney I found out my wife was having an affar. I was suspicious for about a month. That's about the time her computer habits changed dramatically. I came down to the computer room to see who she was chatting with on Yahoo IM. She quickly closed the window and said that she was only talking to "her". The following morning on June, 16 she was very anxious to get out of the hose by 11:00am. When she left I got on the computer and went to her Yahoo account and requested a new password. It was sent to our ISP mail and I logged in as her to the Yahoo account and read her mail. MY GOD! Not only was the affair in plain sight and being talked about, but, they even discussed the things they were doing to each other in bed and that they were actually meeting at 11:30am.
I've never felt so much pain in my whole life.
When I confronted her she lied and said they were not having sex. She changed her story as soon as I showed her the emails. Hell, she doesn't even seem to show remorse for her actions.
She quit her job about a year ago so she could go to school full time. I make a decent living and thought it was a great idea. What really gets me is that the affair was with her academic advisor who is also the Technical Dean at the college. Oh, and he's married too.

I don't know where to turn or what to do.

Bob J.

Bob J,
I agree that there's no pain as bad as being betrayed by one's spouse. It's that deep down sick to your stomach nausea, with a head full of racing thoughts, and the hope that you'll wake up and find it was all a nightmare. It's the feeling of desperation, as you want their love so badly, while feeling such rage that you're afraid of the kind of revenge you might try. It sounds like your WS is still very much enthralled in the affair. She's in the "fog" where reality hasn't set in. She's had the "luxury" of seeing him at his best without having to deal with the normal daily stressors. I'm sure that the college would frown on one of theirs having an affair with a student. Have you looked at doing a Plan A? You can found examples throughout this forum. Good luck.

Thank you for your understanding.
My wife is actually trying to protect his job. She has become emotionally attached to him.
I would love to work this out. But, After reading the "ending the affair" this probably won't happen because she said she won't quit school or attand any other. So this affair will not end.
She expected me to act as if nothing happened while we were in Disney World. I only went because of my 10 yr. old son. It was probably his only chance to get there. It was the most horrible 8 days of my life.

I am a college professor and I encourage you to contact the president of the college and make an appointment. Contact a lawyer and threaten to file suit against the college. He should be fired immediately. I would certainly contact his wife and inform her. She stays in contact and refuses to leave the college? If she shows no remorse then when you are talking to your lawyer you need to know about your options too. You need to ask yourself why you wish to stay in this marriage when she continue to show you disrespect and distain for you and your marriage. You have options here also. I wish you luck.

Please read and implement the article titled What Are Plan A And Plan B? and avoid all love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior and annoying habits).

One part of Plan A is to expose the A(affair) to all parties concerned which includes the OP's spouse and close friends and relatives (yours and your wifes). Why? because affairs are born out of lies and deception and when they become exposed to the light of day, they tend to suffer irreversible damage and hasten their demise. The WS(wayward spouse i.e. your wife) usually is livid by this action by the BS, but without exposure, the BS(betrayed spouse i.e. you) ends up doing nothing but enabling the A and causing further erosion of the love s/he has for the WS.

Thanks to all for your support.
I am trying to avoid a bitter divorce due to my son. He will be the ultimate victim. My wife says she will make it a bitter divorce if I expose her lover to the college. Boy, I really wan't to.
But, I also want to protect my child from any unnecessary pain and suffering. I believe it is obvious that she has fallen in love with this guy.
We have been together for eighteen years and never thought she would do this. Maybe I became too complacent and stopped giving her the affection she needed. Then again she's not the only one who has been neglected in this marriage.
We talked about counseling quite a few times. But, neither one of us picked up the phone or reached out for help. It could be partially my fault. 9 years ago we had a discussion that turned into an argument about sex (or the lack of). Her response to me was that the only reason she had sex with me was to keep the peace. I have always resented her for that. I know she hasn't a clue as to how deeply that hurt. Nothing compared to this though.
Please keep helping me find my way through this.
This is turning out to be extremely wortwhile and helpful to me. The only family I have left living is my 1/2 sister and we're not exactly extremely close. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday. There I can find out what my options really are. I'm not even sure that the emails are of any relevence. If there are any lawyers out there or anyone who has gone through this, please feel free to comment.
Once again thank you all. I just wish I had someone close to me to talk to. I'm so confused and hurt I think I'm going to die. I can't eat, can't sleep or even think of anything else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife says she will make it a bitter divorce if I expose her lover to the college. Boy, I really wan't to.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what makes you think that after betraying you she won't do it anyway? Her word? We know how much that is worth, don't we? Open your eyes and realize that she can still do it anyway WITHOUT you exposing her lover to the college board.

The OM has probably done this before with other female students so if you keep quiet how many more marriages is he going to destroy? He deserves to be fired from the college for his extremely unethical behavior with his student(s). So get printed copies of their e-mail messages and hand them over to college officials so they can take disciplinary action against him.

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Bob, I needed to reply and maybe help you. Marriages often follow similar patterns. You found emails I found love letters. Like you I couldn’t believe it and lost 25 lbs"looked good" but still. I have three boys and wanted to avoid that bitter divous but the truth you won't and regardless of what you do it will come your way. So! What now. Well I would expose this piece of sh_t as fast as possible to the collage and his wife. I would seek the advice of a good attorney and make sure you get joint custody. I would be strong for your son and get tough. It seems your marriage is history and I would give your wife a wake up call. My wife did the same and went back to school and that’s when it started. It's called no accountability. You need to put your ducks all in a row and get the advice you need. But without a dout expose the sh_t this week and let the chips fall where they may.
Sorry for the direction of this advice but I see my past in your email. I now have custody of three beautiful kids and my SBXW well she lost. My life is now wonderful and very happy; give yourself some time and when you feel weak look at that son you created. It will make you strong.
By the way your marriage was in deep trouble nine years ago. Did you just settle for the status quo?
You have been given a wake up call, do the unexpected and expose the Sh_t and plan out a better life for you and your son.

A

I guess I did except the status quo. I'm Catholic and thought that marriage was forever(my mistake).
As for our marriage I actually want to reconcile because I "truly" do love her. But, I have to admit that my mind has changed a couple of times.
I think the antidepressants are starting to work because I'm actually starting to feel better about myself. As I said before, the support her is outstanding.

BobJ,

Do as Bryan says. Get a lawyer, and contact the President of this University. Your W is no doubt NOT the only woman he has pulled this with. She is barginning with you, but believe me she will respect no more or less if you do what is right. What is right is that this man be removed from the University. I am sure the University doesn't want the publicity.

As for saving your marriage, go to plan a, but realize she isn't going to obviously respond to this. You may need to go to plan B, but if your W is going to this univerisity then remove this man. He just may realize that his job, his reputation and his marriage are more important than your W.

I am of the opinion that if your W blackmails you into not turning him in, that it won't help your marriage. If you try and blackmail her into staying by not turning him in, you won't be in a marriage worth having.

Please call the Harley's and talk to one of them.

God Bless,

JL

Bob,

I just want to add my welcome to MB, you have been given sound advise from the previous posters.

I read the book Surviving an Affair, I found that book very helpful I ordered the book from this website.

Good luck and God Bless

Helping her to protect her lover will only make her view you with more disrespect. You have more to gain from exposing this OM and bringing this affair out in the open. Only with truth can there be healing.

I did contact the president of the college by email and have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow @ 2:30pm est. I never gave some info on me so here it is.

me: 39
WS: 38
Om: 48
1 child 10 yrs

Thanks again for the support

As a college professor I applaud your decision.
He is a disgrace to our profession. To paraphrase Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. You are making the correct decision and saving others from what he did to your wife.

I hope you let the school know so the son of a ***** can be fired.

The OM's wife needs to know as well.

bob

I found out about my wifes affair in early June. I was blown away, sick, humiliated etc, but you know what, I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG! Look, we can talk about emotional needs, love bank etc, but the bottom line is, your wife is a liar, has no respect for you or her childern, and will take medical risks in a age where sexual disease can lead to death. Ill bet your emotional needs were not being met, and your love bank was empty, but you were not out nailing some young bippy. LEAVE HER NOW, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. Your wife has told you everything you need to know about her. Talk to your attorney and leave!

fff

While I respect your opinion regarding what Bob J needs to do regarding his marriage, keep in mind that this is 'Marriage Builders' and if Bob was not interested in saving his marriage, he would certainly would not have come here in the first place. He also has a 10 year old son that he loves with every fiber of his being and he probably wants to save the marriage for his sake as well. Will he be able to save his marriage if he implements Plan A/Plan B? Nobody knows, BUT he will have the best shot at saving it. And even if his marriage does not survive, he can certainly live with the knowledge that he tried his best to try to save it and can look in his son eyes and not be haunted by any regrets of not having done so. If and when Bob moves on in his life, without his wife, he will be ready because he will no longer have any love for her, beleive me I know.

Here is an update on my situation.
I spoke to my attorney today and filed for divorce. She has been giving me no reason not to.
I kept asking her if she wanted to recincile but all I got was "I don't know what I want" from her.
She has already made it clear that she will not give up courses at this particular college. My attorney now has the emails and will advise me whether there is any legal action to take. I have'nt heard back from the president of the college as of yet. Maybe they will just sweep it under the carpet. I am a successful Sr. Design Engineer. There a quite a few people from my place of employment that teach classes there part time. I, at some point in time, will let them know what happened. I really do love my wife but I need to get out of this madness. She made it quite clear that she is in "survival mode" at this time (whatever the hell that means).
I will keep you updated hopefully on a daily basis to let everyone know how this turns out.

P.S.

I truly hope that I am making the right decision.
But I'm convinced that she is not in love with me.
That is really what my decision was based on.

Thank You to everyone

Hopefully I can come back with some "GOOD" news for once.