To fill you in quickly. I was married very young. Had a baby. After a little over 2 years of marriage, my H came home and said he didn't want to be married any more. My daughter was then about 2 1/2. It hurt. Cried alot. Got over it. Finally met a great man. Would do anything for me. Would even treat me better than I sometimes time I deserve. We married in '98. We had a baby. Now I have a 13 year old daugther and a 3 year old son. We just made our 5 years together. My husband recently told me that before X-mas, he cheated on me. This time, compared to the 1st time, hurt really, really, really bad. I did not feel this kind of pain the 1st time. I felt like my heart just died. It was with a woman he knew from the bus. Said they would talk about things all the time. We are have a lot of family issues in the house. Dealing with a teenage daughter, coping with a 3 year old, job stress, basically your average family issues. Said he slept with her 3, 4 or 5 times the most. Has not seen her or talk to her since just before X-mas. He seems to be very honest about all of it. Seems very sorry. Cried to me for days. I can get past a lot of the stuff. Block a lot of it out. We are working together on trying to repair the marriage. It hurts like hell. But have to go on and not live in the past or dwell on it or will never be able to go foward.
The one thing I just can't get past and keep getting stuck on is that my husband said it didn't mean anything to him. He said that after he had sex with her the 1st time he knew it was wrong. He said he felt very guilty. Said he couldn't believe he did such an awful thing. Then he also said the last time he went to her house for sex, he didn't even want to go. Didn't even want to have sex. But he did it anyway. He said he really doesn't know why he even did it to begin with. But my question is, if you felt guilty, remorseful, and awful the 1st time, why did you go back again and again and again? And why did you have sex the last time if you didn't want to even go and do it? Anyone have any answers for me.

I cannot explain why they go back, but I can empathize with you. My wife said the same thing. She said that after the first time she knew it was wrong and felt bad. She even said that a couple times she didn’t want to, but was unable to say no to the other man. She went back 5 additional times after the first and she cant explain it either. So, just mark it as unexplainable and work on recovery. My wife and I are doing very well and getting better everyday.

Good luck to you.

As the WS, I can tell you the reason I went back was because I felt certain ENs being fulfilled (not just SF), even though I knew what I was doing was wrong. At a point just before the end of the A and for several months after, I wanted out of the M because I found I could get my EN's fulfilled elsewhere.

If you haven't read "His Needs, Her Needs", I recommend you do. It was/is very powerful reading. I'm hoping I will able to utilize it in my M before we D. We have been separated for two months and now I am the BS in this latest scenario.

Good luck and God Bless to you and your family.
TTSMM

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 08:00 AM: Message edited by: tryingTOsaveMYmarriage ]</small>

Dear Stasia,

I understand your pain and confusion as my WS did the exact same thing exactly one year ago tomorrow. In this case, it was July and Sept.
In between, there was plenty of time to put on the brakes and not do it a second time. What I want to share with you is that the WS knows that it is wrong and will probably hurt others but is like an addict. If the EN's are being met by the OM/OW, it makes it very hard to not taste the fire again. In my case, my spouse felt awful about doing it again and wondered what kind of person she was and was gult ridden but somehow still was able to do it because of another reason, they believe they will not be found out. Often, the affair partners will put this Affair in a box and feel that it is ok because they still have the stable but less romantic/home relationship as well. Only after A was exposed by OMW, did my spouse fully realize that she could lose everything that we had built together for 18 years. On a positive note, I do believe my spouse when she says that she was completely unaware that her EN's were not being met and that she thought she could control the old boyfriend in the box but alas she could not. Also, do not underestimate how seductive it is to have the OP pouring it on over lunch with plenty of wine. I guess on some level, it is human nature to say, " oh well, one more time will not hurt" but it does! I hope this helps a bit?

Click on the link in my signature line. It wll not explain why, but maybe point you to some resources that will help you figure it out.